It was a boring day. Eric did not stop off here on his way home. He does want to see me, I said if you are talking to her then no way. He still contends that it sucked making out with her, but I don't know if that is true. And I guess his friend banged her a while back and said she sucked in bed.

But anyways, since it is a boring day - story time!

Today's story is:
I think I made someone an abuser

This is an awful story, because I really am afraid that I have created someone who will not be an abuser in all the rest of his relationships.

I dated Scott when I was a freshman in college. We met when I applied for a position as a waitress at a Pizza Parlor. He literally took my breath away when I saw him. He sat down and we talked, he worked there.

Later he called an asked me out. Scott was an artist and a romantic. I think he actuallly was the one who taught me to be generous and to open myself up to do cute things for others, because he loved it.

Our relationship did turn tulmultuous, I thought he hung out with a girl too much, and I was in college, he would get a job for a few days and then quit or get fired. So, I think that made him feel bad.

One day we got into a fight, and he threw me into a door and pushed me. Now a little tangent about me.....I have this horrible skill of pushing people past their breaking points. My mother always said I would be killed because I just never stop. I push and push and push, until I push them over the edge. I am just not afraid.... which is pretty damn stupid.

That was the beginning of the end.....once he knew he could scare me into submission, it just got worse. He was smart. He never slapped me across the face. I had bruises on my arms from being shaked really hard or on my upper thighs, but never on my face or where you would see with normal clothes.

I fear that I basically taught him that he could end the fight by hitting or threatening.

I remember two things most clearly:

1. Valentine's Day - We had a nice day, but really neither one of us wanted sex, don't know why , but i got pissy. He also got pissy and I started to cry he raised a wooden keg handle over my head and told me that if I didn't stop crying, he was going to bash my head in.

Now you tell me, how the hell am I supposed to stop crying when you have that over your head....okay stop crying or I will fucking hurt you, probably kill you. Somehow I stopped immediately and things were over.

2. I remember that every time after an incident he would take me to the rocking chair, he would hold me and rock. It would calm me down and I still love being rocked or held in a chair. But I remember thinking it was so odd that I felt so safe in these arms, that had just hurt me so much.

To my knowledge he was no abusive before. I fear that i gave positive reinforcement to make be this way.

I will admit that it took me a long time to not react when someone moved at me quickly. I prepared to feel the blow. And even with Adam, he once gruffly accidently grabbed my arm and I went into a weird thing. Tears came immediately but I held it together.

Much like the virginity thing though, it doesnt' bother me that much now. I think I worked through it. I think this was because I finally told my college girlfriends one night in a drunken stupor and in tears.

The saddest part is they said they knew....but didn't want to confront me. I couldn't believe I thought I had held this secret, but i hadn't. I know my parents probably knew too...I still have the Easter picture, with hand marks clearly on my upper arms. I hold on to it to remember.....