On the 8th Day of Chanukah, my true love made for me....



Well, she got distracted after day 3, but it's a start.

Dear Kyle;

As you can see, I've added Zurich to the long list of countries under my iron boot. Make that eight iron boots. My new subjects were good enough to loan a horse for me to survey my new domain from.

- Yours in conquest,
- Mortimer

I am a pile of tentacles and...head.



It has been almost a year since the accident. I only vaguely remember it. I think I passed out in a lampshade. It turned me into fried calamari. But not to worry -- I am now in surgery, numbed with an endless supply of potato vodka.

She can rebuild me.

> <
MM

Fuck, man, how am I going to get all this playa dust out of my tentacles?



Not that I wouldn't do it all over again.



Mortimer approves of abusing rival cephalopods.

I'm going to Burning Maaaaaaaan!

I love Polish girls for two big reasons. Weighty reasons. Reasons that have a cross nestled between them, because they're good Catholic girls, too, usually.

It doesn't hurt that they're generous with their booze, either.


Mortimer, meanwhile, was a little baffled by Krakow. He went into the milk bar expecting to meet up with his droogs, put on one false eyelash, and head out on the town for a night of mayhem. Instead he got a plate of pirogis from a babushka.

Mortimer had a good time in Riga.


Meanwhile, I did my best to expand the minds of the locals, by explaining the concept of a Guinness Milkshake.