Been going back and forth about some things lately, but one change of the mind that's been happening quite nicely is that I'm trying to get healthy and really take to heart the whole "moderation is the key to happiness" deal. A balance to everything.
Because of that idea, I am going to not hold a burden upon myself to always eat what's healthy for me, but I will try to include more beneficial choices in my diet than not. Because of that idea, I will still enjoy time spent on my laptop under the covers -- late at night, enjoying a beer, listening to music -- but I will also take the time to go and explore places outside of my bedroom whether I am alone or not. Because of that idea, I will cherish the moments I have with loved ones, but also appreciate the moments I have with those I dread to be around.
Optimism is at an all-time high as of late. I'm focusing on the good things. This year has brought me too much misery to sit around and just find something to be miserable about that's not even important.
Photos within the spoiler:
My boyfriend and I are silly.
In no particular order...
Because of that idea, I am going to not hold a burden upon myself to always eat what's healthy for me, but I will try to include more beneficial choices in my diet than not. Because of that idea, I will still enjoy time spent on my laptop under the covers -- late at night, enjoying a beer, listening to music -- but I will also take the time to go and explore places outside of my bedroom whether I am alone or not. Because of that idea, I will cherish the moments I have with loved ones, but also appreciate the moments I have with those I dread to be around.
Optimism is at an all-time high as of late. I'm focusing on the good things. This year has brought me too much misery to sit around and just find something to be miserable about that's not even important.
Photos within the spoiler:
My boyfriend and I are silly.
In no particular order...
My boyfriend and I drove up to my home in Georgia for the weekend to honor my friend who passed away earlier in the week. The funeral is in about an hour, and my stomach is in knots. I'll be seeing many people from high school that I haven't encountered in a while. A reunion through death.
And when I thought that today would be a better one... I wake up and receive news from friends back home that a great friend and wonderful human being passed away in his sleep this morning. He had been struggling with cancer in only the past six months or so. I spoke with him on the phone when he was in the hospital. I had plans to come visit, but then that's when Dad died. It's eerie that this happened this morning... Because last night, before going to bed - I whipped out a notebook and listed some things I need to do. One of them was going to see Ben.
I miss him so much. I feel as though I've lost a brother. None of us are sure we can make it to the funeral this weekend, but we will have some kind of get-together to honor him.
Death hasn't been too kind this year.
9th grade. L-R: Chelsea (my best friend), Sam (boyfriend at the time/now best friend), me, and Ben (was Chelsea's boyfriend at the time).
I miss him so much. I feel as though I've lost a brother. None of us are sure we can make it to the funeral this weekend, but we will have some kind of get-together to honor him.
Death hasn't been too kind this year.
9th grade. L-R: Chelsea (my best friend), Sam (boyfriend at the time/now best friend), me, and Ben (was Chelsea's boyfriend at the time).
I am sick of this. I do what I can for my mother, and she makes it clear that it's pointless and unappreciated. Just now, I sat here with tears running down my face spilling my emotions to her. All of my frustrations, my sadness, my concern about her health. She kept turning her back to me to check her bank account online... mumbling to herself. Hearing me but not listening.
There are many things I could add to this to give you a clear understanding of how much my mother's apathy and selfishness has chipped away at my being. One major point is her refusal to find a job when I was a junior in high school - leading to our family being evicted. My dad worked what jobs he could, but she just sat back. Asking me for money so they could buy cigarettes. Asking ME to work for their bills.
And now? It's the same old shit. She's been asking me for money. I give it to her in hopes she'll use it on her car insurance or rent. Instead, she calls me while I'm at work one day - asking for more money. I ask her what happened to what I gave her. "I spent it on cigarettes."
My sister and I have always spoken of how vacant our mother is, and it's now that I'm realizing I've always held her to expectations she will never reach. She will never be the mother we yearned for her to be. Loving, caring, selfless. And I have to cope with that. It's very sad. Not only will my children never get to meet my father, but now they will never experience the potential care of a grandmother. My nephew Cason might as well be considered as some kind of pest when he comes to the house to see "Mawmaw". She acts as if everything he touches turns to shit. Quick to grab him away from everything. Quick to yell at him -- to tell him to "shut up!". He's three years old. Come on.
Writing this has helped a little bit to vent. This is all new. Never did I really sit down and think about it in this sense. Very sad. Very sickening.
There are many things I could add to this to give you a clear understanding of how much my mother's apathy and selfishness has chipped away at my being. One major point is her refusal to find a job when I was a junior in high school - leading to our family being evicted. My dad worked what jobs he could, but she just sat back. Asking me for money so they could buy cigarettes. Asking ME to work for their bills.
And now? It's the same old shit. She's been asking me for money. I give it to her in hopes she'll use it on her car insurance or rent. Instead, she calls me while I'm at work one day - asking for more money. I ask her what happened to what I gave her. "I spent it on cigarettes."
My sister and I have always spoken of how vacant our mother is, and it's now that I'm realizing I've always held her to expectations she will never reach. She will never be the mother we yearned for her to be. Loving, caring, selfless. And I have to cope with that. It's very sad. Not only will my children never get to meet my father, but now they will never experience the potential care of a grandmother. My nephew Cason might as well be considered as some kind of pest when he comes to the house to see "Mawmaw". She acts as if everything he touches turns to shit. Quick to grab him away from everything. Quick to yell at him -- to tell him to "shut up!". He's three years old. Come on.
Writing this has helped a little bit to vent. This is all new. Never did I really sit down and think about it in this sense. Very sad. Very sickening.
