I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this or not...but I then thought to myself, "Self, these people have been your strongest supporters since the beginning. share your thoughts and journey with them"
A letter to my future self
Dear Morgan,
So, here you are, all female in every way…walking around every day without people staring at you because you look different, or wanting to work from home because you didn’t want to go outside ever, or not going to a store to shop because if you went to try anything on the people around you would give you weird looks. Good for you. It’s about damn time you were happy. I’m writing this to you because I haven’t gotten to where you are just yet. I’m working on it though. Slowly but surely, I’m working on it.
Hey, do you remember that time back in Chicago when you worked at Ontourage Nightclub. You’d wear tight jeans and eyeliner because that’s how you wanted to dress and felt comfortable, but you hid that with a blue Mohawk and red glasses because you didn’t want people to stare…but they did anyway, just not for the same reasons. You made yourself look even more different so that at least if people were going to stare, you were going to give something more to stare at. You don’t do that anymore…because you don’t have to.
Do you remember how scared you were to go to work for the first time wearing makeup? It was at the porn store in Naples. You were careful to wear sunglasses all the way there so nobody would see you on the way. After you got there and took them off, nobody even said anything. It was like, “uh, HELLO…I’m a boy wearing makeup!!! LOOK AT ME!!!” even though you wanted exactly what you ended up getting: for everyone to treat you normally.
Do you remember the first time you wore a bra outside of the house? HA! It took you a good 2 months to actually do it! Then, after you got to work, yet again, most people didn’t even say anything. The ones who did, said nothing derogatory or condescending at all. In fact, I don’t believe I’ve actually heard anyone say anything bad about the way I look yet. It’s almost as if…brace yourself…nobody actually cares what you look like!!!
Hehehe…I don’t mean to be sarcastic or anything, but you have to admit, it’s kinda funny that you put all this stock into what people think your whole life, and it turns out that nobody gives a crap about any of the things you thought they did!
So, you just keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing quite wonderfully. I couldn’t possibly be more proud of you and the strides you’ve made. I certainly hope the hormones are going well. Have you gotten anything done surgically yet? Has mother come around yet? I have so many questions for you. Do you finally feel happy? Have you quit smoking yet? Do you look good in a bikini yet? Do you have a girlfriend? What are you doing now for work? These are just a few of the questions I hope you answer for me.
Remember, Morgan, that you are a wonderful person inside, and nobody can take that away from you. Go ahead and let them try!
I love you,
-Morgan
A letter to my future self
Dear Morgan,
So, here you are, all female in every way…walking around every day without people staring at you because you look different, or wanting to work from home because you didn’t want to go outside ever, or not going to a store to shop because if you went to try anything on the people around you would give you weird looks. Good for you. It’s about damn time you were happy. I’m writing this to you because I haven’t gotten to where you are just yet. I’m working on it though. Slowly but surely, I’m working on it.
Hey, do you remember that time back in Chicago when you worked at Ontourage Nightclub. You’d wear tight jeans and eyeliner because that’s how you wanted to dress and felt comfortable, but you hid that with a blue Mohawk and red glasses because you didn’t want people to stare…but they did anyway, just not for the same reasons. You made yourself look even more different so that at least if people were going to stare, you were going to give something more to stare at. You don’t do that anymore…because you don’t have to.
Do you remember how scared you were to go to work for the first time wearing makeup? It was at the porn store in Naples. You were careful to wear sunglasses all the way there so nobody would see you on the way. After you got there and took them off, nobody even said anything. It was like, “uh, HELLO…I’m a boy wearing makeup!!! LOOK AT ME!!!” even though you wanted exactly what you ended up getting: for everyone to treat you normally.
Do you remember the first time you wore a bra outside of the house? HA! It took you a good 2 months to actually do it! Then, after you got to work, yet again, most people didn’t even say anything. The ones who did, said nothing derogatory or condescending at all. In fact, I don’t believe I’ve actually heard anyone say anything bad about the way I look yet. It’s almost as if…brace yourself…nobody actually cares what you look like!!!
Hehehe…I don’t mean to be sarcastic or anything, but you have to admit, it’s kinda funny that you put all this stock into what people think your whole life, and it turns out that nobody gives a crap about any of the things you thought they did!So, you just keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing quite wonderfully. I couldn’t possibly be more proud of you and the strides you’ve made. I certainly hope the hormones are going well. Have you gotten anything done surgically yet? Has mother come around yet? I have so many questions for you. Do you finally feel happy? Have you quit smoking yet? Do you look good in a bikini yet? Do you have a girlfriend? What are you doing now for work? These are just a few of the questions I hope you answer for me.
Remember, Morgan, that you are a wonderful person inside, and nobody can take that away from you. Go ahead and let them try!
I love you,
-Morgan
So today I went to my free consultation at this new shrink (pre-licensed, actually). She is super nice and we mesh really well. After half an hour of talking to her, she told me that she thinks that i know what I want and she'd have a letter ready for me the next time I went in (in 2 weeks) to go to a doctor to start hormone therapy! YAY! 
I couldn't be happier with how it went! She's also going to email me the 2 doctors that she knows about that work with trans patients. This way, I can make an appointment for, hopefully, the same day or the next day to actually get my very first prescription! 
I'm just so....just wow...OMG...freaking out a little bit (in the best way possible). AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehe
That is all
I couldn't be happier with how it went! She's also going to email me the 2 doctors that she knows about that work with trans patients. This way, I can make an appointment for, hopefully, the same day or the next day to actually get my very first prescription! I'm just so....just wow...OMG...freaking out a little bit (in the best way possible). AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! heheheheThat is all
ok so before i go lay down due to a freakin pounding headache, I thought I'd update all you sexy mofo's.
So I'm still holding strong and dressing as I want to dress at work and other places. there are times where I'll go out and not wear a bra. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. I'm sure the girls can understand that.
I'm still really struggling with thoughts that there are times where my friends don't want to hang out with me as much because they don't want to be seen with me in public...like they just want to have a "normal" night out or something. Yeah, sure, nobody would ever tell me that or probably think that, but I just can't seam to get past thinking it. I know what I look like. I know I'm not passable yet. Until I am, I think I'll have these thoughts...no matter what people say to me. Stubborn, I know.
Work is going pretty well. I, now, help out the newer people and actually coach them at times. I really enjoy doing that and it breaks up my day/week of being on the phones all day. I did apply for the supervisor position that's open. I honestly don't think I'll get it, but I think interviewing for it will be good. that's another thing that I'm really happy about...I truly don't think that any of the management (or anyone I've talked to) judges me in any way. Sure, there are a bunch of people there that are curious and ask me questions, but I absolutely LOVE that. I love being able to answer people's questions and make it so they understand instead of being ignorant, thus creating unrealistic thoughts/judgements.
My apartment and roommates are great for the most part. My male roommate and I don't really talk too much, but I'm planning on REALLY changing that in the next couple of days. I just have to come up with something that we can do together and bond and whatnot. Other than that, the apartment is really nice. It's in a great area with a Cinetopia right down the road and shops and stuff like that.
So, my hair is getting longer. It's like 3" passed my chin, so it's getting there. I still haven't gone to see a shrink so that I can get hormones from a doctor. To be honest with you guys, this part scares me almost as much as coming out did. I know that it's not permanent or anything like that. It's just a huge step and change has never been something I do easily. I get set in my ways and then get comfortable in that and don't change anything unless I'm shoved into another direction. I've looked up therapists several times on several different sites, but just never gotten on the phone and called any of them. So, instead of going to work tomorrow to do overtime, I'm going to call therapists and make an appointment for next week. I'm going to actually try again to do something big...and my stomach is in knots and my hands are clammy just thinking about it right now.
My photography hasn't really been touched lately. I still have my lights packed up from the move and haven't even taken my camera out since then either. That's another thing I'd really like to start doing again. I live in a really beautiful city...it's time I took advantage of that.
Well, that's about it people. My ass is sore from just sitting here typing this. Please please, nobody take anything I said personally. It has nothing to do with anything anyone's done in any way at all.
I love you guys. The ones that I'm closest with have changed my life, each in their own separate ways. Even the people I'm not the closest with, and those who I've never even met in person, a LOT of you have helped keep me going and boost my self esteem. You all are some of the most amazing and most supportive people I've ever met in my life, and I can never thank you enough for it. For now, we'll stick with this simple "thank you all"
<3's all around
So I'm still holding strong and dressing as I want to dress at work and other places. there are times where I'll go out and not wear a bra. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. I'm sure the girls can understand that.
I'm still really struggling with thoughts that there are times where my friends don't want to hang out with me as much because they don't want to be seen with me in public...like they just want to have a "normal" night out or something. Yeah, sure, nobody would ever tell me that or probably think that, but I just can't seam to get past thinking it. I know what I look like. I know I'm not passable yet. Until I am, I think I'll have these thoughts...no matter what people say to me. Stubborn, I know.
Work is going pretty well. I, now, help out the newer people and actually coach them at times. I really enjoy doing that and it breaks up my day/week of being on the phones all day. I did apply for the supervisor position that's open. I honestly don't think I'll get it, but I think interviewing for it will be good. that's another thing that I'm really happy about...I truly don't think that any of the management (or anyone I've talked to) judges me in any way. Sure, there are a bunch of people there that are curious and ask me questions, but I absolutely LOVE that. I love being able to answer people's questions and make it so they understand instead of being ignorant, thus creating unrealistic thoughts/judgements.
My apartment and roommates are great for the most part. My male roommate and I don't really talk too much, but I'm planning on REALLY changing that in the next couple of days. I just have to come up with something that we can do together and bond and whatnot. Other than that, the apartment is really nice. It's in a great area with a Cinetopia right down the road and shops and stuff like that.
So, my hair is getting longer. It's like 3" passed my chin, so it's getting there. I still haven't gone to see a shrink so that I can get hormones from a doctor. To be honest with you guys, this part scares me almost as much as coming out did. I know that it's not permanent or anything like that. It's just a huge step and change has never been something I do easily. I get set in my ways and then get comfortable in that and don't change anything unless I'm shoved into another direction. I've looked up therapists several times on several different sites, but just never gotten on the phone and called any of them. So, instead of going to work tomorrow to do overtime, I'm going to call therapists and make an appointment for next week. I'm going to actually try again to do something big...and my stomach is in knots and my hands are clammy just thinking about it right now.
My photography hasn't really been touched lately. I still have my lights packed up from the move and haven't even taken my camera out since then either. That's another thing I'd really like to start doing again. I live in a really beautiful city...it's time I took advantage of that.
Well, that's about it people. My ass is sore from just sitting here typing this. Please please, nobody take anything I said personally. It has nothing to do with anything anyone's done in any way at all.
I love you guys. The ones that I'm closest with have changed my life, each in their own separate ways. Even the people I'm not the closest with, and those who I've never even met in person, a LOT of you have helped keep me going and boost my self esteem. You all are some of the most amazing and most supportive people I've ever met in my life, and I can never thank you enough for it. For now, we'll stick with this simple "thank you all"
<3's all around
Only a couple more days until I'm back peoples!!! We get our internet on Monday! Woohoo!
Sticks and stones break out bones...
I strong urge EVERYONE to watch this. This is probably the most amazing thing I have heard with my ears in my adult life. Whether it be a song or a movie or a speech or a poem. THIS speaks to us all
poem
When you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.
I strong urge EVERYONE to watch this. This is probably the most amazing thing I have heard with my ears in my adult life. Whether it be a song or a movie or a speech or a poem. THIS speaks to us all
poem
When you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.
Screw you YouTube and your silly "copyright policies"!
So...as stated before...
As promised, my 2012: Year In Review
[VIDEO][VIDEO]
[/VIDEO][/VIDEO]
So...as stated before...
As promised, my 2012: Year In Review
[VIDEO][VIDEO]
[/VIDEO][/VIDEO]
Video montage of my year so far is almost done! I didn't forget! (ok, maybe I forgot for a week or two, shut up!)
Stay tuned!
Stay tuned!
