haha
wow, im a total slacker huh?
Not that that has changed, but ive logged in to check in and realized no new blog since april, and thats awhile. Nothing really to say though. Im sure things are up. Im sure my life is too hectic and disorganized for me to know what it is.
But youre in luck, ive been deemed 'too drunk to have my keys' and am being held captive at my friends apartment with nothing but this computer to entertain me while he is passed out in the other room, or you wouldnt even get this update.

IM GOING TO PARIS!!!

On tuesday. Its a crazy disorganized last minute trip, but hopefully i can get it all sorted out and have a blast. That or ill be roaming the streets of Paris with no where to go for a week (what are the chances that my french isnt too rusty to make that a giant challenge?). Im still waiting to hear back from my friend who is already over there to make sure she got my flight itinerary and knows i am in fact coming and to let me know where she is staying at so i can join her there.
But im excited. Its been an awful month full of canceled plans and being ditched, but im hopeful about this making up for all of that. And i really need a nice vacation. So yay paris!

im still here...somewhere...

Hope everyone enjoyed their holidays!
I just got home from visiting my crazy grandfather. Ive come to the conclusion that i dont especially like him. Hes not a pleasant person. And at 8am im not a very forgiving person. So if hes going to wake me up at 8am so we can all go get breakfast, then he shouldnt mumble under his breath about how im dressed like a prostitute. Specially when for once im really not even remotely.

Ok, for those of you who havent noticed my set that got accepted/unaccepted/waited forever to see the light of an SG day, is now somewhat in the light. Sitting over in hopefuls, hoping for a second chance.
BUt its seriously bugging me that so far the only tag on it is 'thong'. So go look, and tag. and say you love it so it can get its second chance.

Keturah: Strip of Wax

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how
The clouds opened up and let it out
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere when the water filled every hole
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean making islands here no islands should go, oh no
Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
The rythms of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forevermore
And the distance is quite simply much to far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before. oh no
I need you so much closer...

-"Transatlantisism" Death Cab for Cutie


I had a dream last nite that i was in London, and I was so happy to be in the city again.
And so hopeful....

Last nite i learned something very interesting.

Im not real.

This revelation was imparted after returning home to begin watching the first season of Farscape on DVD, because, "OMG its my fav Scifi show ever and youve never heard of it?? We totally have to watch it now!!" following our lovely dinner date where we discussed various SciFi shows we liked, who were the best characters. "The next generation was my favorite Star Trek." "Ohh remember back in the 80s, Quantum Leap was my favorite then."

While getting ready to put in the DVD we saw something crawling on the wall. A rather large something. "Holy crap! Is that a cockroach on your wall?" Then while he is talking about how embarrassing that is, and how he cant believe there is a cockroach in thier house, i go and get a paper towel, pick it off the wall, and squish it.

He just stops and gawks.
"Your not even a real girl."

The obvious scifi conclusion- Hes dating a fembot.

If sex is like baseball, then you cant run from first base to third, and then try to steal home. Cause even if you manage to slide across home base, you wont score any points.

Ive hit a bit of a roadblock in my relationship.
The sex aspect has died out, and ive started to become very particular about it all.
The last guy called me frigid at this stage.
He had a point in there somewhere under that cutting remark. I do tend to self sabatoge at this point of things. Its not that my sex drives dies off, instead I decide that i want it even more, but im just never happy with the sex thats being offered up. Its just never quite what im looking for. He kissed me here, and i wanted to be kissed there. He wasnt firm enough with me. He wasnt gentle enough. I wanted sex, he just wasnt pushing my buttons right to get there. I wonder, how much of this is me, and how much of it is the men that Im dating.

I got spanked 16 times last nite by the bartender im crushing on at work. Everytime i screw up an order, forget an order, or steal his bar ashtrays to bring to my tables, he gives me a little tic mark on a napkin and promises at the end of the nite I'll pay up. I made sure i got a lot of marks. As promised by the other waitress (who said to me "Have you ever been spanked by him? Ohhh!! His spankings are wonderful!! " and then 'helped me out' by getting ahold of the cocktail napkin he was using and adding a few more marks) the spankings really were quite wonderful. And then I left with my man hoping that the little tingle that had started was going to help get things started with us, and the bartender went home to his girlfriend.
Its amazing how we can hide behind the allure of the unattainable. Its certainly not anything wrong with me, I can get perfectly aroused by this spoken for man, or that one across the ocean. Yes, if it werent for those outside forces that i just have no control over, I could find a relationship that doesnt make me frigid 3 months in. I just dont have the right ones available to me, im sure thats all it is....

Is there some tendancy for men to slack off in the amount of effort they put into getting the girl to want sex once a relationship has been established? In those first moments of a relationship sex is an aspiration, but youve not yet been promised that outcome. For those first few dates foreplay can last hours. Days even. One of my mothers men commented that he read/heard somewhere that some women need days of foreplay. And he shared this like it was the oddest notion. Who could sustain foreplay for days? And mum and i both just tilted our heads in thought and said "Yea, that sounds about right." Foreplay is more than a few kisses and just groping my tits, and rubbing on my clit a bit. And in the beging this seems obvious. There is so much attention to the process, the goal is there, but its not where all the concentration is focused. But after youve had sex a couple hundred times (or less) it starts to seem like a given. Yes, we will have sex, because thats what we do. And everyone looses focus on the process. Its all or nothing. You had sex last nite when you went home togehter. Or you didnt. Wouldnt it be great if you could say "Last nite we went home and we excited each other for hours. Ohh yea, and at the end we had sex." The irony is that in the beginging the sheer excitement of a new relationship is often enough to set things a-twitter. The further into things you get, the less excitement there is just for the sake of the relationship itself, and the more you need that attention to the little details that come before the end. Why do we skip to the end, just when we need the journey there the most?

The fact that I completely lack the ability to communicate effectively in the bedroom is probably the bigest issue standing in my way. If i coud just say "Baby, the way your sucking on my nipples might seem nice and all, but its not really doing anything for me at the moment, so could you try maybe kissing my neck instead." or "Why are you putting that condom on? Im not wet yet, so youve got a lot of work ahead of you before youll be needing that." BUt instead i just pull away from what i dont like, and hope he will stop and try something new on his own. However, this plan tends to fail when instead he gives up, and just tries to cuddle up with me and sleep. Last nite I found that particularly frustrating and i was quite determined to end this little dry spell and have some sex and damn it i was going to enjoy it! So i flipped him in the head. Right between the eyes. The shocking jolt to full consciousness and that look of "Ohh no she didnt!" on his face was rather amusing. But also left me with the thought that i have some of the oddest and most illconcieved compulsions sometimes. Either way i broke down in histerical gigling and he tackled me and proceeded to flick me every random place he could thing of. Ever had your cunt flicked? Its a rather odd experience.

Either way, there was still no sex....

There mey be some photogrpahy in my future.
As some of you are probably aware my current 'accepted' set will not be going live, and i am working on replacing it. Its been a long time, and im a giant procrastinator. That and just so stupidly busy.
But hopefully soon all of that may be changing.
There is a bartender at work who i have an overwhelming compulsion to flirt with.
Mostly on account of the fact that i know, much like myself, he has an absolutely filthy mind.
He also happens to be a photographer.
And as it so happens he is not only more than willing to photograph me, but also is familiar with this site, as he too happens to be a member. (albiet one of the lurking not especially active variety, a role i too have started to fall into) So perhaps in the near future i will actually get that set together to submit.
In the mean time there is also some talk of taking some pictures with another cocktail waitress i am friends with.
This dirty bartender/photographer likes to tie girls up!
And while certain other co-workers whisper this to me like its some sort of grade school secret, it seems he has found 2 lovely ladies who not only find that to be a perfectly acceptable past time, but think it would be extra hot if he would tie us up together