"The trees
are become
beasts fresh-risen
from the sea--
water

trickles
from the crevices of
their hides--

So my life is spent
to keep out love"


- William Carlos Williams

damn, I'm sick. i never get sick. i don't know what happened. maybe once a year I get a cold, but that's it. this feels like the flu, which I haven't had in probably five years. i wonder what did it? the McDonald's I ate last night? I guess I am housebound for the weekend.

I'm obsessed with shooting film. I can't distort images enough. they must look like a big freak parade to make me happy. a freak parade one second then beautiful and fragile the next second.

my throat feels like its full of crap. charming.

Fuck, I'm broke again. I'm such a loser. Well, at least I have plenty of space on my hard drive, two cameras and tape stock. I can shoot and edit to my heart's content. all I need is two more days and I swear I'll be done. Just two. Saturday and sunday.

I've somehow fallen into a relationship with someone at work. Very odd how these things happen. My last relationship was with someone I worked with (different job) and it ended badly and I swore I would never again date someone I worked with and here I am again in the same boat. Not only that but I think I'm attracted to a different person at work.

I told the first girl I would take her surfing (which I haven't done in some time). What I really should do is just break it off before we start getting serious. It just feels too much like my last girlfriend. She even looks like my last girlfriend, for Christ's sakes. Bad sign. Relationships are ridiculous.

I went through a period, when I was younger, of falling in love with girls. One after the other. but I didn't know how to express myself. I never knew what to say to them. My emotions were so huge they dwarfed everything around me.

Then I fell completely in love with one girl who didn't feel the same way about me and it smashed me apart. I think subconsciously I made a decision to never let that happen again because I never wanted to be in so much pain again. And it hasn't. I've cared for women and cared about them and loved them, but I haven't been in love

not like that

I'm so effing deep. I should just write goddamn fortune cookies.

Frederick Wiseman is the greatest documentary filmmaker of all time.
Someday I will make a film as good as "My Name is Ivan"

there is no finer feeling than getting jacked up on caffeine and nicotine and going out and shooting footage.

THe following words and/or word combinations may be important as much for the way they are said as for their meaning

MKULTRA
Sidney Gottlieb
control
deprivation
Frank Olson
artichoke
bluebird
chatter
delta
animal cruelty
naomi
Albany
Dr. Cameron
7 subjects for 77 days
bones
fur
claws
feathers
conditioning
imprinting
anxiety
depression
doraphilia
dental braces
eyeglasses
anasthesia
amputee
inflation
foreskin
second skin
edgeplay
nausea
the sleep room
electroshock
tape loop
medicine
dosage
retainer
headgear
paraphilia
catheterization
injections
suppositories
prostatic massage
mind control
remote viewing
orthopedic casts
menstrual cups
enemas
temperature taking
medical gag
intimate examination
herodotus
quadriplegia
transgenderism
retouching
level three
connect four
five points
bella donna

When I read William Carlos Williams I see a mirror-image of the way I think my life used to be - although I will never know for sure. Doesn't matter. Nothing matters. The only thing that matters is that his poetry exists and kindness.

I used to think this was the most beautiful thing I'd ever read:

"Sleepless, sleepess,
I twist on my bed,
My beloved is not with me,

The night tormented,
My thoughts dark,

O Lord of Mira, Giradhara,
Another dawn has come.

I can not see you,

My eyes burn,
My mind is taken by you,

Day and Night,
Without patience,
When will you meet me,
Lord,

The words, sweet
on my lips,
Giradhara

Without seeing you,
I can not see."


Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in a movie theater next to a girl. I left the movie early to go get a drink but all the bars were closed. It was cold and rainy.

Beware the almighty FUD.