I left S. I miss him, and I still love him. It hurts more than anything to do this to him.

I don't regret it. J is perfect.

I still feel treacherous.

It started with crow.

In the beginning there were trees and air and ground and sky and sea.
In the beginning there was dust.

Nothing made a noise.

Crow watched the silent world spin from the top of the tallest tree on the tallest peak.
Crow watched the silent world and began to sing.

The silence shattered as crow's voice flooded the world,
The whole world called back.

The sea rushed and roared.
The sky split and cracked.
The clouds gathered and boomed.
The ground whispered and sighed.
The trees clapped and pushed up to danced.

And with all of this sound,
And with all of this noise,

Dust pushed up to dance.
Dust whispered and sighed.
Dust gathered and boomed.
Dust split and cracked.
Dust turned to blood.
Dust called up to crow and began to sing.

I've been noticing what people wear and who they want me to think they are.

I have become conscious of possession.

I have become conscious of being.

A part of me wants to feel lonely.

I'm fat again. It hurts.

I feel as if I'd grow better in the dark.

I miss the sun.

I've been so busy lately. A new job at Christmas. Boys and sex and drugs. I should be happier than I am.

I can't do this winter thing. Not when there's no snow and I haven't seen the sun for more than ten minutes over the past month. I can't believe I'm missing early November. I love Canada, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

S took shrooms with me. He loved them, which made both of us happy. I think he almost understood. He's better to me than I am to him. The poor thing.

So much love, I can't take it.

More shrooms with J this weekend. More love and sex and wonder. We're taking what we can while it's still nice enough to wander around outside.

I met a new guy at Annie's party. He's very sexy, and a very good kisser. I really wish he didn't need to work this morning...

I'm such a tramp. ^_^

We sat on the stairs to nowhere in High Park. Eleven steps. I filed that in the same part of my brain as where I kept J's passport and Annie's phone number. We made a bright crayon rubbing of fallen leaves around us. There wasn't enough time to do all of them, but I think the others understood. I remember thinking that not all of us can be saints. J told me a story of Robot World, where we can do whatever we really want to because happy robots would take care of us. I offered the robots ice cream. J couldn't stop thinking about it. I jumped, and the feeling of falling was magical. The sun was warm and golden and soft. I love it when he lets me kiss him.

I found beautiful dead branches, and wanted to trace them too. We went through a gate, and were in someone's home. They have beautiful woven branch fences and arches decorated with red berries and leaves, and bird feeders in their trees. J and I sat on their picnic bench and traced the branches in brown. We sat for a long while in silence, just tracing and thinking. We heard rustling and looked up, and there were hundreds of birds everywhere. We decided to thank the person for letting us into their home, so we folded up our tracings into an envelope, and left them a dollar in their arches. I hope they find it and it makes them happy.

I came to a hill with tall thin trees, red and gold against the sun. I stared and empathized, slowly turning into a tree as well. I could feel my feet turn to roots. J woke me up in time, and I was able to leave. I would have got cold without him. He always saves me at just the right moment.

We walked in circles for hours. Saw the same dogs with the same people. It was hard to be certain of where we were. My memories were like dreams.

We found the park, filled with children and laughter. Jason had memories of this place. I wished I did. We sat on the steps and wondered about things together, and started to return to real life. We found the petting zoo on our way back to the city, and I yelled happily at the llamas. I pet a bison, which may have changed everything.

I felt so good. I feel so good remembering. So much golden light, so much love.

Billy Corgan is a wanker.

The Pumpkins concert on the 4th was the least entertaining show I've ever seen, and I went to see Jan Arden with my mother a couple years ago.

The show started off with a lot of promise. Billy skulked onto the stage singing Ava Adore, wearing a really pretty gothy coat, carrying a jack o'lantern full of glitter. He played some great songs, like Soma (which was the highlight for S and I) but things went to pot after the first forty minutes.

The music from there on in just got dull. They weren't playing for the fans anymore. When people go to a reunion anniversary tour, they want to hear songs they know and love the band for, not marathon length experimental shit.

S and I actually sat through most of the show with hopes that maybe Billy would stop wanking and play a classic, but gave up for the encore. We weren't the only ones disappointed. All of the talk we heard on our way out was negative.

So it goes.

Polysics put on an AMAZING show at the Horseshoe on the 5th. I missed Jaguar Love, but got to see the bands between them. Black Gold was great. Very danceable, and the guys in the band were personable on stage. The next band was okay, but there was way too much high pitched screaming to be enjoyable. If they sacked their singer, it'd be better, I think.

The floor was full for Polysics. People were dancing and jumping and the whole place was full of energy. There were a couple of people in orange jumpsuits, and one girl had POLYSICS shaved into her hair. Hardcore! S and J and I loved it loved it, and I think P-head liked it too, but I haven't really talked to him about it.

I bought all four of their albums so now I don't feel like I'm ripping off the band.

Also: A tiny Japanese girl stoically playing keyboard and doing the synth voice may be the cutest thing ever.

yayayayaya