Confession time-

I am writing this as a cry for help.

I have hit a wall.

Not just any wall, but the same wall I've hit anytime time I've really pursued something.

I've done a lot of things in my life, gone down many avenues, as it were. And I always run into the same issue.

I've been a chef, a musician, a writer. Now I'm going after something I've always wanted but also always been afraid of: movies. Making movies, that is.

In all my previous ventures, in the beginning, my creativity out reaches my skills.

Then there comes a moment, after all the practice, all the work and critiques, all the money invested into resources to make my creations come to life...

My creativity is gone.

I don't know where it went.

Maybe it became lost in all the DIY or BTS videos. Or all the books I've read. Or maybe even in the mundane projects i forced myself to do for the "experience"?

I don't know where or why or how, but I've lost my mojo.

Perhaps I never really had it to begin with...

The point is, I've reached this point in my movie making.

I am, at best, mediocre. And this bugs my to all levels of hell.

I feel like the guy addressed in this quote-






So to all you: artists, musicians, photographers, painters, sculptors, poets, writers, craftsmen, etc-

What inspires you? What makes you see things differently? What makes you say, "Today I should make this, paint that, sing these words"?

And when inspiration comes, what do I do with it???

Hey all-

So long story short, I am directing a small student film project.

Its a Zombie/Cop Drama piece intended to become an independent webseries.

For promo purposes I'm looking to make some Zombie pinup style poster and need models.

If you are near the Indianapolis area and interested please PM me.

here's the Facebook link-

https://www.facebook.com/thezombieproject

Okay Sg'ers- new blog time.

I really want to shoot a set for someone!

I've been studying photography for awhile now- all photojournalism stuff, and I want to try some fashion/art stuff.

I've studied under a couple of pros- including one of Indiana's most award winning photog (who I will not name as he probably doesn't approve of this site).

I've also been apprenticing under one of Indiana's tv stations senior post editor, so we could even make a video.

If anyone is interested- hit me up!

It's been a very long time since I blogged about anything really. No particular reason, just lazy I guess.

This is my second full year back at school, it's very much a love hate relationship. I'm a broadcast major and I love my major classes, but as is very typical of me I suck with the core classes. They just really annoy me. But on the up side, I'm now running the school's new student broadcast studio and it keeps me on my feet.

My biggest struggle, though, are the same issues that made me drop out in the first place. Lack of confidence, social awkwardness, and a severe case of A.D.D. One of my biggest complaints that crops up from time to time is comparing myself with other people. I'm the sort of person that (this I think is my A.D.D.) likes everything. So I'm constantly learning little tidbits of all sorts of different things at one time, never being able to devote enough time to one subject to really master it. And while most of the time this serves me well, other times I see things that other people are doing e.g. Photography, or Video that just blows my mind, and I all the sudden feel inadequate.

I don't really mean this to sound whiny, and I really am a very joyful human being for the most part. It's just been one of those weeks. So I'm in one of my (this may sound a wee bit arrogant) I'm-not-so-great-as-I-like-to-think-I-am, moments.

That's enough for my little bitch-fest.

As always, I'm continuing my ever-going pursuit of "who in the hell I am", and to better myself. I recently decided that I need a little more discipline in my life and so I've started swimming like I used to when I was younger and bought a weight set.

The goal? To become a sexy-ass mutha-fucka!

Here's to seeing how long I keep it up.

Current reading list:
DV Rebel by Stu Maschwitz
In The Blink of a Eye by Walter Murch
An Experiment on Criticism by C.S. Lewis- which I've been reading on and off for many months now
A biography of Benjamin Franklin

and my pile of books keeps growing at an exponential rate.

Today was a very important day. July of last year was very difficult for me, and to make a long story short, all I will say is that I made a few very poor decisions that left me lost and heart-broken. I moved back home to Zionsville, Indiana where I started working for a grocery store in the meat department. I was miserable and all I wanted was to get away and take some time to find myself, as it were, and to reconnect with God. But I was trapped now in an horrible job that sucked what little life I had left out. However, in a round-about sort of way, I got my wish, for only three short weeks of wrapping cut meat, management decided to transfer to a different store as the only meat-cutter with absolutely no experience or training. On August 25, 2008 after about an hour and a half, I ran my hand into the saw blade and cut off the middle finger of my left hand. Being a complete stranger to this store, I had no one I could count on for help. I bandaged my hand, picked my severed finger up off the cutting table, call 911, put my finger in a bag of ice, and waited for the ambulance. And somehow managed to contact my family and few friends about the whole ordeal. I was rushed to the E.R. where I was examined and told how poor a chance I had of saving my finger, but I wanted them to try anyway. My surgery was supposed to take around two and a half hours, but ended up lasting six and a half. Little did I know that while I was under sedation, a whole score of my friends showed up at the hospital and didn't leave until I was out of surgery and in the recovery room. Needless to say that the whole experience was very traumatic. I was in the hospital for three days, my dear friends coming to visit, a few in particular never leaving, helping me cope. When I was finally released I had ten days to see if the re-attachment would keep or if I would lose it forever. The prognosis never looked good and over the course of those ten days, my finger grew darker and fetid, and I grew rather weak and sick. I knew that my finger had died and was slowly rotting. But my impatience got the better of me, I decided that I no longer cared what happened I just wanted this thing off me so that I could begin the healing process. Finally, I went back to the doctor and we decided to remove the finger that day. I was prepped for surgery, again, and was very discouraged when they told me that I was not going to be put under for the operation. It was an hour long of feeling them cutting, and scraping, and chiseling away- unbearable. While, initially, the whole ordeal seemed somewhat surreal, it was now very much a reality. I spent the next to months on disability. I have to say that if it weren't for the friends that God has put in my life this next part would not have been possible.

Obviously, it was hard. I had to completely re-adjust my life, and it was only natural that I had a few very abysmal days, but by and large, the support that I had received from everyone, gave me the strength I needed not to let this thing crush me. And not long into it, I realized that, in some very weird way, that I had gotten my wish for time. And I decided not to waste it. I spent my time reading books like Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, and some of Rob Bell's books. I met with older friends that are my spiritual guides. And so on. I decided to return to school and to re-assert myself to old dreams that I had let die out of fear of failure. It's a curious thing about fear. I grew up in my father's machine shop, and I always had a dreadful fear of losing a piece of myself- and now that I had- all my other fears seemed to wash away. So I have set out with reckless abandon in pursuit of my true dreams, and though I have no idea as to where I will actually make it, I have no fear that it will all be okay in the end.

I have ever picked my guitar back up and started the process of re-learning how to play.

So with that I say goodnight,
and happy anniversary
Jonny9fingers

Every once in a while I think of something profound. Today is not one of those times, and I really hate recycling old material. So all I while say for today: is that life always keeps me guessing. Not a nervous- worrying type of guessing. But rather an exciting- I can't wait to see what will happen tomorrow guessing. Not all that long ago I made the decision to stop worrying about tomorrow and to start living in the moment. So far it has changed my life. I have met some amazing people, made new friends, and even repaired broken relationships. So with that I bid you adieu, and hope that you all discover the adventures that life brings and embrace them.