I'm still feeling overwhelmingly STUPID!!! But somehow there's a little thingy in a remote corner of my soul that murmurs about freedom and new options and the bright side of the medal... ahrg! shut the fuck up! I'm not yet ready for optimism, ok? I can't already feel better the next day, no? ok, that Vase is broken, now I don't have to polish it any more? hmmm... well... true....

Fuck.

This should never have happened. Im sitting in my brothers house after I moved out of my own flat. Again the same old mistakes, again years of work dissolving into nothingness. I'm numb. I know I'll survive the whole shit and I'll do it all again and again and again... because I love to believe in the good things. I love to dream of Chances and I always fight until the last bullet is fired... but in the end I don't have anything left, I leave again although I hate it. I hate to leave, but I'm the one who is able to do it. ...again and again and again.
The horrible thing about it is that I feel so tremendously, incredibly S.T.U.P.I.D. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.