I think sometimes, maybe one of these offhand thoughts I have during the day is worth writing about. Maybe I could make a short story out of it or something. Then I think, what kind of thought is that to have? Does everybody think that? Maybe that's how authors get started. Normal people who enjoy writing so they flesh out their little idea and bam... short story, or book, or script. Usually though, I just think I'm dumb and have delusions of grandeur. Anyone who comes across this feel the same? It would be nice to know that other people have those thoughts. Or if they don't, at least I can try to change my thinking. I don't feel too far off from everybody else though, so I'm hopeful
Dear anonymous,
I don't want to try anymore... I don't want to try for your affection. You obviously don't care about me. Or I suppose I should say, care enough about me. You seem to care a little bit in that you go out of your way to spend time with me at work, but whenever I try to make real plans, you turn me down or stand me up. I don't know why I care about you and part of me thinks I don't really. That would be the side that comes out when I really feel there is nothing to connect to. The other side of me really believes that I care about you and knows if you'd just show it back we'd really have something. I am such a cliche'. Look at me writing this self indulgent dribble. I think I am happy most of the time. Which is the same as saying I am happy. The more time that goes by though, the more time without a girl who I know without a shadow feels something real and tangible about me. the more I feel that every little negativity from the opposite sex is a complete rejection of me and who I am. This of course is, none of it, your fault. Even on a good or bad day, most of me knows you are just the vessel of my unrequited love. Maybe this is me asking what I should do about that. Pessimism says that even when I try to expand my somewhat limited pool of possibilities I usually end up with already involved girls in one form or another. Optimism shouts back more fierce and over the top to keep trying and stay motivated. Self motivation is something I am getting better at these days. It's probably a combination of both that will end me up out of this excruciating downward spiral of self doubt. In any event, I'm sure this has been very confusing for both of us although likely more so for you, but I think the point I'm aiming for is that I'm not going to pretend I'm never going to let myself care about you, but know that within these coming months I intend to slowly ween myself off of you, the fake love, the holding me back girl, until I am completely done with you. If I'm lucky I'll have found my real somebody already. If I am not, then I know by the time I can say no more and stand my ground, she won't be too far off.
Passingly yours,
Jacob
I don't want to try anymore... I don't want to try for your affection. You obviously don't care about me. Or I suppose I should say, care enough about me. You seem to care a little bit in that you go out of your way to spend time with me at work, but whenever I try to make real plans, you turn me down or stand me up. I don't know why I care about you and part of me thinks I don't really. That would be the side that comes out when I really feel there is nothing to connect to. The other side of me really believes that I care about you and knows if you'd just show it back we'd really have something. I am such a cliche'. Look at me writing this self indulgent dribble. I think I am happy most of the time. Which is the same as saying I am happy. The more time that goes by though, the more time without a girl who I know without a shadow feels something real and tangible about me. the more I feel that every little negativity from the opposite sex is a complete rejection of me and who I am. This of course is, none of it, your fault. Even on a good or bad day, most of me knows you are just the vessel of my unrequited love. Maybe this is me asking what I should do about that. Pessimism says that even when I try to expand my somewhat limited pool of possibilities I usually end up with already involved girls in one form or another. Optimism shouts back more fierce and over the top to keep trying and stay motivated. Self motivation is something I am getting better at these days. It's probably a combination of both that will end me up out of this excruciating downward spiral of self doubt. In any event, I'm sure this has been very confusing for both of us although likely more so for you, but I think the point I'm aiming for is that I'm not going to pretend I'm never going to let myself care about you, but know that within these coming months I intend to slowly ween myself off of you, the fake love, the holding me back girl, until I am completely done with you. If I'm lucky I'll have found my real somebody already. If I am not, then I know by the time I can say no more and stand my ground, she won't be too far off.
Passingly yours,
Jacob
Today is a bad day. I finally got to the point two weeks ago that I've felt shitty enough about myself to start working out daily. I started P90X and it's amazing. I have a ton of new energy and I'm starting to feel better about my body. I've been without a girlfriend for about two years and I haven't had sex in about 6 months. I truly feel most of the time that I am unattractive to anyone. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I fell in love with a girl who was seeing someone else at the time. this was about 2 years ago. He was in the marines and never around. I on the other hand was and we hung out often. It got to the point where I didn't care about this other guy any more and one night when she came to watch a movie at my house I told her how I felt and kissed her.
Things were pretty good for a while. I had to sneak around a lot, but I was too happy to be with her to care. Skipping over some time, she broke up with this guy and I obviously thought "perfect". I thought it would totally fall into place and i could be open and truly happy. instead she told me she wasn't ready for a new relationship and a few weeks later started sleeping with someone behind my back. A year and a half later we are on speaking terms again, much to the dismay of her boyfriend(the behind my back fucker).
More skipping... we are talking one night at work(we work together again) and her boyfriend who was extremely drunk, tries to pick a fight with me. I don't want to get fired so I put up no resistance until it is eventually broken up. She cries and breaks up with him on the spot. She comes home with me and tells me that she wants to b with me, she feels bad about what she did before and realized she should have been with me then. She wants to wait a few weeks to get over him then we can be together. I take my time and take it slow. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO FUCK IT UP BY MOVING TO FAST OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. One day about 2 months after all this she stops talking to me and quits her job. I havn't seen her since and only spoke to her to get my comics back. This was in January. I found out 2 weeks ago that right after she quit her job, she got back together with this guy.
Fast forward a month, I start talking to this girl I knew from when I used to work at blockbuster. We have a lot in common and I like her. She seems to like me because she actually tries to call and text me if I don't call or text her for a while. We start hanging out and spending time. She spends a few nights at my house and I kiss her. I try to move forward a few nights later, no sex, just fooling around. That goes well. I hang out with her again only to find she is making me work for a kiss. I keep getting this weird vibe that she is bored and only wants to use me as a time killer. I try to shake it but the next few nights yield similar results. I start talking to her less over a few days to see if she'll text me or anything. Poor results. Haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and found out she started dating some guy just like that.
The question I am forced to ask myself is this, "Why am I constantly being passed over for other guys?" I value myself in that I am a terribly romantic person and deeply emotional. I try to keep a positive attitude and i generally like everyone I meet. I don't understand why no one wants to be with me. If I could post a disclaimer that went out to every girl I meet before hand it would say: "I'm a nice guy. I don't drink or smoke and I love to smile and make other people smile. I promise if I get to know you, I will tell you all the wonderful things you never knew about yourself. And if we start dating I will never ever be mean to you and you will always be loved and valued."
But, I can't. And I've come to believe that I will never be able to make people understand that before they decide they want some other guy who is more attractive than I am.
Today is a bad day, because everything inside me is love and all I want and everything I do is for someone to share it with and be happy. No one is there though. My love is born and dies everyday and it feels like some days there is less than the day before. I don't want to die alone.
Things were pretty good for a while. I had to sneak around a lot, but I was too happy to be with her to care. Skipping over some time, she broke up with this guy and I obviously thought "perfect". I thought it would totally fall into place and i could be open and truly happy. instead she told me she wasn't ready for a new relationship and a few weeks later started sleeping with someone behind my back. A year and a half later we are on speaking terms again, much to the dismay of her boyfriend(the behind my back fucker).
More skipping... we are talking one night at work(we work together again) and her boyfriend who was extremely drunk, tries to pick a fight with me. I don't want to get fired so I put up no resistance until it is eventually broken up. She cries and breaks up with him on the spot. She comes home with me and tells me that she wants to b with me, she feels bad about what she did before and realized she should have been with me then. She wants to wait a few weeks to get over him then we can be together. I take my time and take it slow. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO FUCK IT UP BY MOVING TO FAST OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. One day about 2 months after all this she stops talking to me and quits her job. I havn't seen her since and only spoke to her to get my comics back. This was in January. I found out 2 weeks ago that right after she quit her job, she got back together with this guy.
Fast forward a month, I start talking to this girl I knew from when I used to work at blockbuster. We have a lot in common and I like her. She seems to like me because she actually tries to call and text me if I don't call or text her for a while. We start hanging out and spending time. She spends a few nights at my house and I kiss her. I try to move forward a few nights later, no sex, just fooling around. That goes well. I hang out with her again only to find she is making me work for a kiss. I keep getting this weird vibe that she is bored and only wants to use me as a time killer. I try to shake it but the next few nights yield similar results. I start talking to her less over a few days to see if she'll text me or anything. Poor results. Haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and found out she started dating some guy just like that.
The question I am forced to ask myself is this, "Why am I constantly being passed over for other guys?" I value myself in that I am a terribly romantic person and deeply emotional. I try to keep a positive attitude and i generally like everyone I meet. I don't understand why no one wants to be with me. If I could post a disclaimer that went out to every girl I meet before hand it would say: "I'm a nice guy. I don't drink or smoke and I love to smile and make other people smile. I promise if I get to know you, I will tell you all the wonderful things you never knew about yourself. And if we start dating I will never ever be mean to you and you will always be loved and valued."
But, I can't. And I've come to believe that I will never be able to make people understand that before they decide they want some other guy who is more attractive than I am.
Today is a bad day, because everything inside me is love and all I want and everything I do is for someone to share it with and be happy. No one is there though. My love is born and dies everyday and it feels like some days there is less than the day before. I don't want to die alone.
Hi. I'm Jacob. I joined because I think suicide girls has the closest thing to true beauty the world has ever seen. I can't stand the cookie cutter look. I love how the body is becoming a canvas for people to express themselves.
OCTOBER 2010
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SEPTEMBER 2010
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AUGUST 2010
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JULY 2010