I went to the funeral of my family's friend today. He was in his 90s and expecting to die at any time, but apparently he had been saying that since 1978. I've been to several funerals, most of them in the past year, but as I looked at his body I realized this was the first one I'd been to with an open casket. It was the first dead body I've ever seen in person. People sometimes say they look like they're sleeping when they're in a coffin; it's actually kind of true. The skin on his hands almost looked like rubber. This is kind of macabre, but I kept expecting him to sit up or open his eyes.

I heard his wife talk to him when everyone else had left the room. I won't say what she said, but it was a strange experience to hear something like that in person and not in a movie or something.

I always feel guilty at funerals; like I didn't know the person as well as I should have, or wasn't as personable with them as I should have been. This one was no different, even though I had only met this person at varying intervals in my life, dating back to when I was a little kid. But seeing how everyone was reacting at the service, and hearing how much he had done for and meant to them, that guilt came back because I didn't have a story like that, even though I had no reason to have one.

It's been a bad few days.

Arrogance irks me more than anything else. I don't why that is; there are other traits that should be more repellant to me, but the arrogant have always gotten to me more than anyone else. I've seen so much of it from our illustrious president that I can't even stand to look at his picture or hear his voice anymore lest I should be physically sick. I'm definitely seeing a lot of it now whenever I'm stupid enough to read internet comments on sports or political blogs.

Speaking of sports, I think they've become a bit too important to me over the past few months. I still don't really know anyone here in town outside of my family, my girlfriend is still stuck in Indiana (though that may finally be changing, despite the best efforts of her parents to keep her there), all I do is work, and I've hardly had time to do any writing (or a place in which to do it, which is really what I think I miss the most about home). Because of all this, sports has kind of been my release. It's been that in years past, but now I'm placing too much emphasis on it. It's not a release anymore; I feel horrible when one of my teams loses, or when a team I don't like wins, and I used to just be able to shrug and then go off to Chumley's to do some writing, have a few drinks, maybe see a friend or two that would inevitably be there at some point in the night. I can't do that here in Austin.

Because of all this, whenever I read or hear an arrogant fan of one team or another I don't like or one my team is playing against, I get more upset than I should. Thankfully tonight I was able to just close out the internet window I had of ESPN.com and try to study for the GRE (which I'm taking Tuesday, sandwiched in between a 32-hour work week, not counting my Friday night high school football coverage for the Austin American-Statesman). I need a Chumley's, and I need people I can talk to about writing and books and movies and everything else I love besides sports. And I need to see my girlfriend again. Soon.

Anyone else have a problem like this?

Oh my God... I haven't been drunk in over two months, since I moved to Texas. And I haven't participated in any drunken postings for far too long. God I love this (until tomorrow, "im sure). Go Cubs! And the upcoming movies of "The Golden Compass" and "Atonement" better be good, or else somebody's getting scalped and castrated, though maybe not in that order.

So I think I'm past that requisite freak-out phase when you completely alter your life in a way that could either be very bold or very stupid (depending entirely on the outcome, of course), and now I'm just trying to find a job in my new city. All I have now is a part-time thing at Barnes & Noble, and I most definitely do not want to still be doing that for another year -- I'm completely burnt out on it after seven years (hell, I want to be done with customer service in general).

On the plus side, I have been doing some decent writing. I got an interesting idea for a screenplay if I decide to just start a whole new one for my UT application instead of revising the overlong sci-fi piece I'm almost done with. This new one is about baseball (kind of), but that's all I'll say in this forum that's open to the public.

Speaking of baseball, the Cubs just keep rolling. Watching them on TV gives me a little slice of home, though I'll admit it's kind of nice to be the one guy in Austin, Texas (at least that I've found so far, which isn't saying much) who walks around wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey. If they make the playoffs, I'll be pissed that I just moved all the way down here; I might have to arrange for a little trip up to Chicago for a few days. But that's a long way off; the season's barely half over, and I don't want to jinx it.

So if anyone actually reads my postings, have you ever done anything with your life completely cavalier that makes you ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing?" (and I don't mean a random impulse; I mean made a major decision knowing all the while that it could be a major mistake, but it could also be the only way to make something very good happen)?

Random thought of the day: wouldn't it be funny if you kicked someone in the stomach (or below) and they made the same face that Blanka from Street Fighter II makes when you kick him in the gut?

So I just moved to Texas for at least a year in the possibly vain hopes of getting into the UT Austin MFA creative writing program. They have 4 spots for 600 applicants... yeah.....

It really hasn't hit me yet that I won't be going back to Indiana. I think I'm more nervous about all this than I let myself believe.

Dear Life,

Please stop fucking me. I don't like it. This whole one thing after another bit is really pissing me off. At the very least, could you take a break and stop sending so much crap my way all at once? I'd really appreciate the breather. Thank you.

--Austin

Go Colts!!!!!! We've been waiting for this for a long time; we can finally savor being the champions.

Oh, and by the way, since my last post I've graduated college, gone to London, and nearly faced bankruptcy. How's everyone else been?