First of all, thanks to all of you who left messages of support for my (foolhardy?) literary endeavors. The agent I spoke to in Austin finally got back to me today to give me the name of another agent who handles stories like mine. I had more or less expected that, based on our earlier conversations, but still, I'm disappointed. She did say she really liked the manuscript, and the idea for the overall trilogy, she just doesn't represent young adult fantasy-type novels. I'm trying to be cautiously optmistic; she wouldn't have given me a specific person to contact if she didn't think there was something there, right?

Anyway, on another, somewhat related note, I began my MFA classes last week. I've been doing more "serious" fiction (rather, I've been thinking about it, for my future writings in the program), and it's had an interesting side effect. When I do this kind of writing, I tend to become angrier, and drink more. I think it's because I look at the world, the real world, much more closely when I'm trying to write about it (as opposed to working on my fantasy worlds). Doing so just underscores how... I don't know, I guess disappointed I am with the ways of the world. It makes me generally upset, and occasionally depressed.

In a lot of ways, I'm kind of like McNulty from The Wire (which I finally finished watching the other day -- excellent). McNulty is always angry, and he's an alcoholic because of the bullshit he has to put up with in the Baltimore P.D. In Season 4, he starts up a relationship with a woman and returns to being a beat cop in the Western District, where he's more or less happy. He stops drinking, stops sleeping with random women, and is generall happy. But then he gets bored and goes back to being a detective, where the anger returns. I see a lot of that in myself -- I haven't been like this really since I graduated Purdue and stopped writing this "serious" fiction stuff. Now that I am again, I'm angrier. Fortunately, I haven't slept around like McNulty did, and I can honestly say I won't, either, but still, the other parallels are striking.

Speaking of The Wire, it's really interesting to see a lot of the places where the show was filmed. I drive through a pretty rough spot of East Baltimore on my way to class, and there's one particular block I know I've seen on the show. And then, whenever I go to Oriole Park or M&T Bank Stadium, I drive right by the very docks where they shot Season 2. It's like it's not just a TV show anymore; these are real places, with real addicts sitting on the stumps and real corner boys and hoppers scoping my car and trying to decide whether I'm a cop, a potential customer, or just a dumbass white guy with Texas license plates passing through. It's eerie, really.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm praying like crazy for this next agent to want to represent me; I can't live this month-to-month life much longer, never knowing if I'll have enough to make rent and all my other bills. I can't just keep going to school without anything to show for it. I need to prove to myself that there's more to me than this.

This video kind of matches my mood right now. It's so beautiful and sad. Fuck Trent Reznor, Cash understands this song better than he ever could. And the look on June's face, the one that shows she wants so desperately to help but knows she can't... God, this video nearly makes me break down every single time I watch it.



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