Well I turned 32 a few days ago. Really didn't feel like I had a birthday. First off had to work, cause i didn't get the request off done right in the computer. Second not to sound petty or selfish I really didn't get anything I wanted. Took back the present my mom got me so I could get some shelf speakers for my record player and my sister totally "mailed" in my present with getting a gift card to my comic book store. So I guess I'll take the money I saved this week from comics and apply it to my reserved copy of Mass Effect 3.
Lots of friends wished me well on Face Book, but I still feel very lonely. I often bitch and moan to myself about not having a girlfriend but the thought of going out to try and meet some girl just shuts me down with self doubt. I feel more comfortable with a patient trying to die at work than trying to talk to a girl, how fucked up is that?
One good thing, since I took off about 4 months from running I've maintained my weight from the last time I weighed myself. I'm still huge, but I had felt like I had gained some weight back., it felt good to see that I didn't.
Went for a run the other day 1.6miles, felt good, just a little sore today in the legs.
Lots of friends wished me well on Face Book, but I still feel very lonely. I often bitch and moan to myself about not having a girlfriend but the thought of going out to try and meet some girl just shuts me down with self doubt. I feel more comfortable with a patient trying to die at work than trying to talk to a girl, how fucked up is that?
One good thing, since I took off about 4 months from running I've maintained my weight from the last time I weighed myself. I'm still huge, but I had felt like I had gained some weight back., it felt good to see that I didn't.
Went for a run the other day 1.6miles, felt good, just a little sore today in the legs.
Woke up early with a headache 
and I'm still tired as hell. Think I'm gonna try to go back to bed.
and I'm still tired as hell. Think I'm gonna try to go back to bed.Went to see Black Swan Friday night by myself 
The movie was really good. I'm usually hesitant about art movies but this was worth it.
On the way out I got this overwhelming sense of loneliness in the crowd leaving the theater. Its been with me for about four hours now. It was really hard when I was buying groceries at the supermarket, I probably looked like a guy whose dog just died or something. Guess not having a girlfriend for a couple years can do that to you.
I was thinking on the way back about re-activating my account with eharmony, low self esteem or not.
I've been giving serious thought about getting back to exercising and eating well cause I can "feel it" in my knees and my blood pressure is getting a little high even for me 145/98 was my most recent reading.
Will most likely start with exercising next week, have to work Saturday and Sunday night.
Peace out-
The movie was really good. I'm usually hesitant about art movies but this was worth it.On the way out I got this overwhelming sense of loneliness in the crowd leaving the theater. Its been with me for about four hours now. It was really hard when I was buying groceries at the supermarket, I probably looked like a guy whose dog just died or something. Guess not having a girlfriend for a couple years can do that to you.
I was thinking on the way back about re-activating my account with eharmony, low self esteem or not.
I've been giving serious thought about getting back to exercising and eating well cause I can "feel it" in my knees and my blood pressure is getting a little high even for me 145/98 was my most recent reading.
Will most likely start with exercising next week, have to work Saturday and Sunday night.
Peace out-
I"ve been thinking recently about picking up extra shifts at work. I thought of getting a second job somewhere else besides nursing, cause I dont want to get job burn out. I only work 3 12 hour shifts a week, so a second job wouldnt be hard to handle (I think). But I'm not sure what kind of part time job I might like to do. I'm not hurting for money, but I'm getting tired of almost living check to check.
If I decide to just pick up at work, just 2 extra shift a month would be about $500 extra after taxes and about $6000 a year. I would have to have each extra shift be on separate pay periods so taxes wouldnt eat the extra pay up, that might be hard to do cause picking up can vary.
What to do?
If I decide to just pick up at work, just 2 extra shift a month would be about $500 extra after taxes and about $6000 a year. I would have to have each extra shift be on separate pay periods so taxes wouldnt eat the extra pay up, that might be hard to do cause picking up can vary.
What to do?
BOO
I just noticed that James is no longer active on the site. When did this happen? I feel bad that I didnt get to say goodbye
I wish her well, her beauty and charm will be missed.
I just noticed that James is no longer active on the site. When did this happen? I feel bad that I didnt get to say goodbye
I wish her well, her beauty and charm will be missed.
I've been listening to Aerosmith for the past two hours and have come to the conclusion that I must build a time machine and transport current era Aerosmith back to the 70's so they can make some more kick ass music.
Their music over the last 25 years has been great, dont get me wrong, but there is something about their sound that is different when listening to Toys In The Attic versus Just Push Play or Nine Lives. Maybe it was all the drugs they did way back then.
Their music over the last 25 years has been great, dont get me wrong, but there is something about their sound that is different when listening to Toys In The Attic versus Just Push Play or Nine Lives. Maybe it was all the drugs they did way back then.
It just hit me that another two of my favorite shows are ending in the next three days, Lost and 24. Damn, at this rate I wont have hardly any shows to watch anymore. Some of my most favorite shows have already ended like Battlestar Galactica, The Shield, Star Gate SG1 and Farscape from a couple of years ago.
The only shows left are the new Star Gate Universe and Smallville. And who knows how long Smallville will last, I cant remember if this is season eight or nine, I fell off from watching mid season.
All I can say is thank God for all these sitcoms being on DVD to rent or own.
Its really hard for me to get into any new tv series. Most dramas are way too dramatic to the point of being fake and painfull to watch. Medical dramas are a slap in my face since I'm a nurse. And most cop shows like Law and Order are just dumb to me. I have an almost sick adversion to reality tv, except for some stuff on Discovery Channel like Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch every now and then.
I'm discovering new shows to watch through netflix. I'm currently watching Six Feet Under. That show is written very well. I'm a fan of dark/black humor, I love every episode of Dexter, I ordered Showtime just to watch season four. I just finished up watching Star Trek Enterprise. I thought it was good for the most part, too bad it didnt last longer than four seasons. I was very hesitant about renting Big Love, but it was worth the rent.
I'm on the fence about starting up The Sapranos. I'm not a huge fan of mobster series or mob movies for some reason. But I'm interested in checking out Breaking Bad.
TV is gonna suck in the fall, not that is doesnt suck enough now.
The only shows left are the new Star Gate Universe and Smallville. And who knows how long Smallville will last, I cant remember if this is season eight or nine, I fell off from watching mid season.
All I can say is thank God for all these sitcoms being on DVD to rent or own.
Its really hard for me to get into any new tv series. Most dramas are way too dramatic to the point of being fake and painfull to watch. Medical dramas are a slap in my face since I'm a nurse. And most cop shows like Law and Order are just dumb to me. I have an almost sick adversion to reality tv, except for some stuff on Discovery Channel like Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch every now and then.
I'm discovering new shows to watch through netflix. I'm currently watching Six Feet Under. That show is written very well. I'm a fan of dark/black humor, I love every episode of Dexter, I ordered Showtime just to watch season four. I just finished up watching Star Trek Enterprise. I thought it was good for the most part, too bad it didnt last longer than four seasons. I was very hesitant about renting Big Love, but it was worth the rent.
I'm on the fence about starting up The Sapranos. I'm not a huge fan of mobster series or mob movies for some reason. But I'm interested in checking out Breaking Bad.
TV is gonna suck in the fall, not that is doesnt suck enough now.
I felt the need to share my feelings about this dream I had during the night. I'll do my best to describe the dream in general.
I was in somekind of bathroom taking a bath, (which I almost never do) and in walks somebody who looks a whole lot like Lovely Suicide wearing like a black bikini. She stands next to me and ask me if I want to do this. The feeling was if we wanted to go out together and be in a somewhat serious relationship. I said yes while she was walking around the bathroom. Then the dream shifted to where I was in a fast muscle car, all black with silver linning in the inside. And some guy was taking me to met Lovely at some concert.
That was the best I could describe it. Now there are two feeliing I have when I wake up after having these types of dreams. One is a sense of satifaction or happiness that I was with someone. This first feeling doesnt last for very long and it gives way to the second feeling, sorrow. It comes along fast and turns the happiness I felt into a type of shame and pain for even thinking/dreaming that I could be with somebody. It is almost like life has to remind me in a very cruel way that I am alone, that I sleep alone and have nobody besides my family that truely loves me.
Now I know that the answer to this problem is to go out and meet people. Find a girl and this sense of loneliness will go away when I have these dreams. But its not that easy for me. I'm not special in any way, I have problems like a lot of other people, my parents divorcing when I was six, then both getting remarried later on. Having an emotionally abusive step-father, who went out of his way to make me feel like shit every day for eight years and having my mom thinking that I was making most of it up. That shit has affected me in so many ways that I'm still not over it, and its been 10 years since I left home. My self esteem being hampered by the fact that I cant loose this weight for the life of me.
I have no problem talking to people at all. I have to talk to people every day, its part of my job being a nurse. But the apprehension I feel going on a blind date or walking up to some girl to start a conversation is so much I can barely function. I know I would feel more comfortable with my emotions of dealing with a patient at work coding and possibly dying than going on a blind date. How FUCKED up is that?
I just re-read this blog and wow, it took a different turn than I was expecting, but I think I made my point, kind of.
I was in somekind of bathroom taking a bath, (which I almost never do) and in walks somebody who looks a whole lot like Lovely Suicide wearing like a black bikini. She stands next to me and ask me if I want to do this. The feeling was if we wanted to go out together and be in a somewhat serious relationship. I said yes while she was walking around the bathroom. Then the dream shifted to where I was in a fast muscle car, all black with silver linning in the inside. And some guy was taking me to met Lovely at some concert.
That was the best I could describe it. Now there are two feeliing I have when I wake up after having these types of dreams. One is a sense of satifaction or happiness that I was with someone. This first feeling doesnt last for very long and it gives way to the second feeling, sorrow. It comes along fast and turns the happiness I felt into a type of shame and pain for even thinking/dreaming that I could be with somebody. It is almost like life has to remind me in a very cruel way that I am alone, that I sleep alone and have nobody besides my family that truely loves me.
Now I know that the answer to this problem is to go out and meet people. Find a girl and this sense of loneliness will go away when I have these dreams. But its not that easy for me. I'm not special in any way, I have problems like a lot of other people, my parents divorcing when I was six, then both getting remarried later on. Having an emotionally abusive step-father, who went out of his way to make me feel like shit every day for eight years and having my mom thinking that I was making most of it up. That shit has affected me in so many ways that I'm still not over it, and its been 10 years since I left home. My self esteem being hampered by the fact that I cant loose this weight for the life of me.
I have no problem talking to people at all. I have to talk to people every day, its part of my job being a nurse. But the apprehension I feel going on a blind date or walking up to some girl to start a conversation is so much I can barely function. I know I would feel more comfortable with my emotions of dealing with a patient at work coding and possibly dying than going on a blind date. How FUCKED up is that?
I just re-read this blog and wow, it took a different turn than I was expecting, but I think I made my point, kind of.
I really hate how Hollywood has become so un-original in making movies. Case it point I just watched a preview for Repo Men(2010) on imdb.com the tag line reads: Set in the near future when artificial organs can be bought on credit, it revolves around a man who struggles to make the payments on a heart he has purchased. He must therefore go on the run before said ticker is repossessed. . After watching that it hit me that I've seen almost the same movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera(2008). Its tag line is In the near future, a biotech company saves mankind with synthetic replacements for failed organs. But those who default on their new liver or heart are subject to repossession. I mean come on! I think I can crap something with more originality.
