Wow, an entire month has passed since I've felt the itch to jot some thoughts down here.

That's no good.

What all can I say? I'm about as much as a flip-flopper as a politician, and I can't figure out whether I'm coming or going. Literally. See all year I've been plagued with different health issues - nothing serious yet, but enough - which have been seriously influencing my decision to move away from Ohio to somewhere new and foreign to me. I've looked heavily into Phoenix and LA for the most part, but I'm equally likely to do something totally insane and just drop off the grid altogether and wind up in Burundi or something. I mean, I'm about to turn 21 in a month now and I already feel tied down and trapped by my situation. As Danny Glover wouldn't say... I'm too young for this shit.

I don't know, I guess. On one hand it's the typical 20-something runaway attitude that going to LA will somehow solve everything and it'll somehow all work out. The likelihood of that is pretty small, but I figure at the very least I'll somehow find myself or at least hopefully find something I'm looking for - even if I don't know exactly what it is. I had a really bad anxiety attack the other night which lead to a whole lot of thinking and a lot of insanity - I mean I seriously lost my grip on reality for a bit and it really sucked. Every little thing that popped into my head somehow turned against me. Every little paranoia, every little thing about my day-to-day living, and even the minute nuances of who I am personality-wise just started angering me and I still am not totally sure why. I kept trying to say that this is who I am, but I don't like that person and I want to totally change myself. I don't want to accept who I am because I'm not happy with that person.

Again, it's all just crazy talk and once I got my bearings locked down I began looking for smaller steps to take in order to somehow change things. I'm going to Europe really soon just to backpack across it, get drunk in different places and meet new people, and to really experience what I would consider humanity. I mean, being stuck in the same general 50-mile radius is horrid, but being absolutely trapped in a situation with no way out can really drag somebody down. I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on the world passing me by while I follow in the same footsteps as all of my family. It's more or less what everybody thinks, I'd say, but for some reason mine just really, really got to me.

So the plan for the moment is: continue with college, even for just a little while. Visit Europe, try to experience as much new culture and humanity as I possibly can. Travel more and be more worldly is definitely a change in my life I need to make. I'm far too "good" to be trapped where I am in the world. I need to ramble. I need fresh air followed immediately by smog. I need the desert after the glacial tundras. I need to roam.

Also, the idea of giving companionship to somebody has been nagging at me a lot lately, but as my mental breakdown showed me - I'm not exactly the first choice. It's a shitty feeling, and I know everybody gets it and everybody thinks they're different somehow and it only truly applies to them, but in my personal experience of never dating anybody, its a tough pill to swallow. I mean I'm going to be 21 in a month and here I am having never experienced true companionship, or romance of any kind. I'm frightened of the thought of simply being forgotten somehow.

I think I think too much.