IPOD
RADIO
I am becoming slowly concerned by the knot in my gut, and the stabbing pains it's causing me. It cannot be natural to lose at least 1lb a day. If not more. Some days it's 2 or even 3lbs.
I don't want to sound like I'm being dramatic, or overreacting here, but I think there's a small chance it could be something serious. How can I put this tactfully? erm, certain of my bodily functions don't seem to be working the way they should, and it's kind of scaring me. I weigh 9 stone 11 at the minute, but my body shows no sign of stopping this slow decay. I honestly don't know, and I'm honestly too scared that it could be *that C word* to go to the doctor. It runs in my family, and I'm damned if that's a family tradition I'm going to follow.
Also, why the hell do I still feel like such a fat bastard? surely with a BMI of 22 I should be pretty trim, and it's true that absolutely NONE of my clothes fit me anymore, not even the ones I bought 2 weeks ago, but I still can't help the feeling that I could stand to lose about 5 or 6 more lbs.
Otherwise I guess I'm pretty good. Had a bit of a jam today, and got some good stuff down. Other than that, it's been a typically nonproductive day off. Anyway. It's valentines day, and in the tradition of the last 22 years I have no valentine, so I shall celebrate with the usual combination of drinking my self into a stupor and smoking far too many cigarettes.
Nice.
I don't want to sound like I'm being dramatic, or overreacting here, but I think there's a small chance it could be something serious. How can I put this tactfully? erm, certain of my bodily functions don't seem to be working the way they should, and it's kind of scaring me. I weigh 9 stone 11 at the minute, but my body shows no sign of stopping this slow decay. I honestly don't know, and I'm honestly too scared that it could be *that C word* to go to the doctor. It runs in my family, and I'm damned if that's a family tradition I'm going to follow.
Also, why the hell do I still feel like such a fat bastard? surely with a BMI of 22 I should be pretty trim, and it's true that absolutely NONE of my clothes fit me anymore, not even the ones I bought 2 weeks ago, but I still can't help the feeling that I could stand to lose about 5 or 6 more lbs.
Otherwise I guess I'm pretty good. Had a bit of a jam today, and got some good stuff down. Other than that, it's been a typically nonproductive day off. Anyway. It's valentines day, and in the tradition of the last 22 years I have no valentine, so I shall celebrate with the usual combination of drinking my self into a stupor and smoking far too many cigarettes.
Nice.
The past will always catch up with you. This is the truth.
If life is a gravel path, straight and long, every deviation you make, every bad or stupid thing you do is like a pebble kicked forward by your shoe. Amd the cumulative effect of that over time, is to built piles of rubble in your way, blocking the path for you. Sometimes these are small piles, ones you can climb over, or get around somehow, but sometimes the pile is so huge, that you have no option other than to find a new path, live with the disappointment that brings and carry on walking. The paths are long, and lonely but sometimes they irun parallel with anotherrr, and the person walking that path will join your journey until one of their piles gets in the way.
And sometimes, things just happen, like boulders falling from the sky, or, if you're lucky, a lightning bolt from the heavens will strike your drift of rocks and suddenly the path will become clear again.
Most of the small wrongs of my life have caught up with me by now, but there are other onse, far worse, that are lurking somewhere out there, and the biggest problem with the path is that you can only ever walk down it backwards, never knowing when you might stumble or be blocked.
This is life in as true a metaphor as I can put it.
If life is a gravel path, straight and long, every deviation you make, every bad or stupid thing you do is like a pebble kicked forward by your shoe. Amd the cumulative effect of that over time, is to built piles of rubble in your way, blocking the path for you. Sometimes these are small piles, ones you can climb over, or get around somehow, but sometimes the pile is so huge, that you have no option other than to find a new path, live with the disappointment that brings and carry on walking. The paths are long, and lonely but sometimes they irun parallel with anotherrr, and the person walking that path will join your journey until one of their piles gets in the way.
And sometimes, things just happen, like boulders falling from the sky, or, if you're lucky, a lightning bolt from the heavens will strike your drift of rocks and suddenly the path will become clear again.
Most of the small wrongs of my life have caught up with me by now, but there are other onse, far worse, that are lurking somewhere out there, and the biggest problem with the path is that you can only ever walk down it backwards, never knowing when you might stumble or be blocked.
This is life in as true a metaphor as I can put it.
It's a beautiful day, and I am playing songs of triumph at earsplitting volume with the windows open.
2 rights make 1 wrong
A simple loop over and over, and the world seems like a magical place. How is it that such beauty can exist in a song, I wonder. How can a guitar lift my soul to this place, so close to heaven. And then the horns, like the angels piping in the glorious apocalypse, the wheels of the world previously turning out of synch are now connected as one. All is right and the serene happiness that floods my soul cannot be explained with mere words.
A crescendo, building and building to a release, an eye in a maelstrom of noise, bringing expectation of the next part.
Passing by
The bass shakes the walls, and the windows rattle in their frames and slowly, slowly like the aftermath of a sonic orgasm, the music starts to twitch and fade, electronic stutters and masked voices and slowly a banjo, twanging out a post-coital narcosis. The elements start to emerge as the seperate parts they are, and a heavenly choir sings me into blissful floating transcendance.
The power of music is both humble and humbling. We rarely take the time to really listen to it, and yet so many of us have come to rely on it for our spiritual wellbeing. No other art is as pure, no other art speaks to the soul in the same way as music. It is the original form of communication, the rhythm mimicking the beat of a heart, the melody aping the processes of the brain.
All that we are is music and memories.
2 rights make 1 wrong
A simple loop over and over, and the world seems like a magical place. How is it that such beauty can exist in a song, I wonder. How can a guitar lift my soul to this place, so close to heaven. And then the horns, like the angels piping in the glorious apocalypse, the wheels of the world previously turning out of synch are now connected as one. All is right and the serene happiness that floods my soul cannot be explained with mere words.
A crescendo, building and building to a release, an eye in a maelstrom of noise, bringing expectation of the next part.
Passing by
The bass shakes the walls, and the windows rattle in their frames and slowly, slowly like the aftermath of a sonic orgasm, the music starts to twitch and fade, electronic stutters and masked voices and slowly a banjo, twanging out a post-coital narcosis. The elements start to emerge as the seperate parts they are, and a heavenly choir sings me into blissful floating transcendance.
The power of music is both humble and humbling. We rarely take the time to really listen to it, and yet so many of us have come to rely on it for our spiritual wellbeing. No other art is as pure, no other art speaks to the soul in the same way as music. It is the original form of communication, the rhythm mimicking the beat of a heart, the melody aping the processes of the brain.
All that we are is music and memories.
the car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark wind blows
the government is corrupt
and we're on so many drugs
with the radio on and the curtains drawn
we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death
the sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
it went like this:
the buildings tumbled in on themselves
mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair
the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze
i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -
these are truly the last days"
you grabbed my hand and we fell into it
like a daydream or a fever
we woke up one morning and fell a little further down -
for sure it's the valley of death
i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark wind blows
the government is corrupt
and we're on so many drugs
with the radio on and the curtains drawn
we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death
the sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
it went like this:
the buildings tumbled in on themselves
mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair
the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze
i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -
these are truly the last days"
you grabbed my hand and we fell into it
like a daydream or a fever
we woke up one morning and fell a little further down -
for sure it's the valley of death
i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood
10 years ago today, One of my personal heroes took control of his life and left us, never to return. I don't know if he is alive or not, but I will always truely feel his loss. I hope you found some peace, Richey, and I hope wherever you are, be it on this world or the next, that you are finally happy.
I can't really think of much else to say, so I'll end with some words from one of my other heroes, who died 11 years ago this month. The late Bill Hicks.
I love both of you guys.
The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride.' And we...kill those people. Ha ha ha. 'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings, and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace.
Bill Hicks
I can't really think of much else to say, so I'll end with some words from one of my other heroes, who died 11 years ago this month. The late Bill Hicks.
I love both of you guys.
The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride.' And we...kill those people. Ha ha ha. 'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings, and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace.
Bill Hicks
Lancel and Chirona
By the shore does Lancel stand
And cast his gaze upon the sand
A woman walking does he see
Chirona by her name is she
A lady of a lower class
But fair as any in his past
And so he asks her for her name
And she replies and asks the same
The reason for his standing here
She soon acquires a wish to hear
"Upon this lonely stretch of ground
A king once stood and cast around
His gaze upon a battle wild,
Usurpers who would kill his child
Attacked him here to steal his crown
Upon this lonely stretch of ground"
"But surely, sir, any man
could stand upon this piece of land
and knowing well its history
rest his eyes upon the sea.
Something else, I fear to ask
Dominates your saddening past"
So Lancel then proceeds to speak
And tell the tale of this beach
"When war did end, and king had won
his enemies reduced to none
he stacked their bodies in a cart
and to his castle did depart.
The bodies dumped upon the ground
In woods which did the keep surround
And brought his mistress out to view
The safety of her child anew.
but yet the queen did wildly cry
'my brother with the dead does lie'
and fleeing to this beach to find
her sibling's blood had turned to rime
for winter's chill had come at last
and scavengers did make repast
on skull and bone, on lung and heart
which had not rode the monarch's cart.
And in her came eyes tears to form
Like gathering of winter storms
And so she made her life to end
Her soul in heaven to ascend"
"And still I fail to clearly see
How sorrow's tale applies to thee"
"My mother Lluth, was born that queen
And ended here her life serene
And here I come to see the grave
Of mother and her sibling knave.
And tell me know, oh shining maid
What brings you to the beach of Raed"
"My mother here did lay her head
Her birthing pains and fear to shed
Her husband being out of sight
In war he died, though did not fight.
So here she sat without a mate
Her child to evacuate
And through the labour hard and long
She sang an ancient river song
A boatman friend had taught to her
About a time before the war
When barges cut the land across
Steered by man and pulled by horse.
And when the child at last did fall
Chirona was she heard to call
And then expiring from the strain
Her body lay in summer rain.
Her only child and final sound
Were uttered here upon this ground."
And now ,the hour growing late,
This pair must quickly separate.
The girl her supper to attend.
The man his castle to defend.
But knowing both that very soon
Upon this beach, beneath the moon
A lover each had slowly found.
But now they part without a sound.
A meeting need they not arrange,
Just wait for frost and driving rain
For to this place, both are drawn
By memories of winter storms
And here they surely both will meet
The drumming of their hearts two beats
Which now have fallen in as one
Beneath a heavy fading sun.
By the shore does Lancel stand
And cast his gaze upon the sand
A woman walking does he see
Chirona by her name is she
A lady of a lower class
But fair as any in his past
And so he asks her for her name
And she replies and asks the same
The reason for his standing here
She soon acquires a wish to hear
"Upon this lonely stretch of ground
A king once stood and cast around
His gaze upon a battle wild,
Usurpers who would kill his child
Attacked him here to steal his crown
Upon this lonely stretch of ground"
"But surely, sir, any man
could stand upon this piece of land
and knowing well its history
rest his eyes upon the sea.
Something else, I fear to ask
Dominates your saddening past"
So Lancel then proceeds to speak
And tell the tale of this beach
"When war did end, and king had won
his enemies reduced to none
he stacked their bodies in a cart
and to his castle did depart.
The bodies dumped upon the ground
In woods which did the keep surround
And brought his mistress out to view
The safety of her child anew.
but yet the queen did wildly cry
'my brother with the dead does lie'
and fleeing to this beach to find
her sibling's blood had turned to rime
for winter's chill had come at last
and scavengers did make repast
on skull and bone, on lung and heart
which had not rode the monarch's cart.
And in her came eyes tears to form
Like gathering of winter storms
And so she made her life to end
Her soul in heaven to ascend"
"And still I fail to clearly see
How sorrow's tale applies to thee"
"My mother Lluth, was born that queen
And ended here her life serene
And here I come to see the grave
Of mother and her sibling knave.
And tell me know, oh shining maid
What brings you to the beach of Raed"
"My mother here did lay her head
Her birthing pains and fear to shed
Her husband being out of sight
In war he died, though did not fight.
So here she sat without a mate
Her child to evacuate
And through the labour hard and long
She sang an ancient river song
A boatman friend had taught to her
About a time before the war
When barges cut the land across
Steered by man and pulled by horse.
And when the child at last did fall
Chirona was she heard to call
And then expiring from the strain
Her body lay in summer rain.
Her only child and final sound
Were uttered here upon this ground."
And now ,the hour growing late,
This pair must quickly separate.
The girl her supper to attend.
The man his castle to defend.
But knowing both that very soon
Upon this beach, beneath the moon
A lover each had slowly found.
But now they part without a sound.
A meeting need they not arrange,
Just wait for frost and driving rain
For to this place, both are drawn
By memories of winter storms
And here they surely both will meet
The drumming of their hearts two beats
Which now have fallen in as one
Beneath a heavy fading sun.
I had a great night last night.
I closed up the shop 15 minutes early and then me and Gareth went over to the studio to try and work on some new stuff.Neither of us were really feeling it at first, we were aiming a bit to fast and it was the first time we'd tried to make some music without being stoned and it wasn't flowing that naturally. Then we changed tack, and slowed it down a lot, and endied up making what I like to call Ambient music but with live insturments. I banged on a coat stand and we made that sound into the percussive base, put loads of effects on it, played some great guitar and bass, which we're gonna cut up and loop, and it all sounds pretty good. We've both got plenty of other good ideas for the track so I'm happy!
We left the studio about half 12 because we were both knackered, then I came home and fell right asleep. Nice.
I smoked 35 fags yeaterday, though, out of pure anxiety, which I'm not happy about.but such is life. I'm giving them up next weekend when I go up to Ali's for a few bevvies, so wish me luck on that one! although I have the will of an ox, so I'm sure I'll be fine!
I closed up the shop 15 minutes early and then me and Gareth went over to the studio to try and work on some new stuff.Neither of us were really feeling it at first, we were aiming a bit to fast and it was the first time we'd tried to make some music without being stoned and it wasn't flowing that naturally. Then we changed tack, and slowed it down a lot, and endied up making what I like to call Ambient music but with live insturments. I banged on a coat stand and we made that sound into the percussive base, put loads of effects on it, played some great guitar and bass, which we're gonna cut up and loop, and it all sounds pretty good. We've both got plenty of other good ideas for the track so I'm happy!
We left the studio about half 12 because we were both knackered, then I came home and fell right asleep. Nice.
I smoked 35 fags yeaterday, though, out of pure anxiety, which I'm not happy about.but such is life. I'm giving them up next weekend when I go up to Ali's for a few bevvies, so wish me luck on that one! although I have the will of an ox, so I'm sure I'll be fine!
Songs that give me MASSIVE rushes:
Mogwai - 2 rights make 1 wrong
Biffy Clryo - All The Way Down (Prelude/Chapter One)
Stone Roses - Waterfall
Aphex Twin - Windowlicker
It probably doesn't hurt that I've listened to these songs so many times whilst pilling, that I almost have flashbacks from them!
God, I love that natural dopamine release.
Mogwai - 2 rights make 1 wrong
Biffy Clryo - All The Way Down (Prelude/Chapter One)
Stone Roses - Waterfall
Aphex Twin - Windowlicker
It probably doesn't hurt that I've listened to these songs so many times whilst pilling, that I almost have flashbacks from them!
God, I love that natural dopamine release.
Nobody said it was easy, but noone ever said it would be so hard.
I think (I'm not sure) that I'm on day 5 of cannabis withdrawal.
The mood instabilities are settling somewhat, bu they're still there. I'm relying very heavily on my family and friends to get me through this. The lows are getting less pronounced, and the other extreme is getting pretty good. I don't feel like the happiness I've found is leaving. I always knew it was real, and this has proved it to me. I am avoiding siruations that get me down. (and there are a couple of those at the minute) although work is pretty hard going, because I'm not busy so I have too much time to think. IT's like, if I start thinknng about stuff, my mood just plummets, and *boom* depression.
Gareth came over the shop yesterday and say witth me for a few hours. I talked with him about some stuff and he gave me some good advice, which has put me on a better plane with certain things. He told me that my hopes didn't make me a bastard, just determined. I'm a patient man. I can wait this out, and not let it get to me. I've accepted certain situatuons for a while, but it still hurts when tehy are confirmed in front of your eyes, you know?
Had a bit of a chat with my boss, Andy, too, and he told me some things that made me feel a lot more positive too. He has the benefit of a lot of experience with these things and is a good source of wisdom. (which, incidentally , is his surname!)
sample quote: "do they know what they' do to us? yes. Do they give a shit? probably not."
My dad has been wonderful too. I was frightenend that he would be angry with me, but he accepted the situation and just wants to do everything he can to help me.
Physically my body is recovering slowly, but my appetite is still fucked. I can't eat solid foods at all, so I'm living off fruit smoothies and chicken noodle soup.
I haven't smoked a joint yet, although I've been tempted, I'm just not sure whether it'd start the withdrawal all over again from the beginning, and I don't want that to happen. I'm going to leave it at least a month until I smoke up again, and then It's only going to be with mates. Luckily, Gareth is off drugs at the minute too, due to certain issues that they were causing him, so the oppurtunity for sessions is going to be a way off.
I've started smoking more cigarettes. I didn't smoke any while I was stoning, but I figure, one addiction at a time, right? I'm not back on 20 a day or anything, just a few rollies through the day, to replace that joint tobacco.
I had a massive clear out of my room last night. I threw away 3 bin bags full of stuff that I was just keeping out of habit. plus 3 years worth of Bizarre magazine. My personal space feels a bit less crowded, and that's helped brighten up my spirits a bit. My room's only tiny, so it gets crowded really easily. However, it has made me realise just how few clothes I own.
5 t-shits (all faded to shit)
2 pairs of jeans (old and too big for me now)
assorted underwear
2 shirts
1 suit
1 leather coat (knackered)
1 pair trainers (bit tattered)
So I'm going on a clothes buying mission on tuesday, I think. I'll get my grandma to take me to Milton Keynes and I'll buy some decent clothes, to help me create the new me a bit more.
Wow. I've poured my brain out a bit here, but I guess that's good. I'm going to be a lot more sociable soon, I feel. I've withdrawn into my own bubble the last few months, and I'm ready to come out of it now and make some friends!
Well, hope everyone's doing well, and I'll try and comment on all your journals sometime in the nex few days. Cheers!
I think (I'm not sure) that I'm on day 5 of cannabis withdrawal.
The mood instabilities are settling somewhat, bu they're still there. I'm relying very heavily on my family and friends to get me through this. The lows are getting less pronounced, and the other extreme is getting pretty good. I don't feel like the happiness I've found is leaving. I always knew it was real, and this has proved it to me. I am avoiding siruations that get me down. (and there are a couple of those at the minute) although work is pretty hard going, because I'm not busy so I have too much time to think. IT's like, if I start thinknng about stuff, my mood just plummets, and *boom* depression.
Gareth came over the shop yesterday and say witth me for a few hours. I talked with him about some stuff and he gave me some good advice, which has put me on a better plane with certain things. He told me that my hopes didn't make me a bastard, just determined. I'm a patient man. I can wait this out, and not let it get to me. I've accepted certain situatuons for a while, but it still hurts when tehy are confirmed in front of your eyes, you know?
Had a bit of a chat with my boss, Andy, too, and he told me some things that made me feel a lot more positive too. He has the benefit of a lot of experience with these things and is a good source of wisdom. (which, incidentally , is his surname!)
sample quote: "do they know what they' do to us? yes. Do they give a shit? probably not."
My dad has been wonderful too. I was frightenend that he would be angry with me, but he accepted the situation and just wants to do everything he can to help me.
Physically my body is recovering slowly, but my appetite is still fucked. I can't eat solid foods at all, so I'm living off fruit smoothies and chicken noodle soup.
I haven't smoked a joint yet, although I've been tempted, I'm just not sure whether it'd start the withdrawal all over again from the beginning, and I don't want that to happen. I'm going to leave it at least a month until I smoke up again, and then It's only going to be with mates. Luckily, Gareth is off drugs at the minute too, due to certain issues that they were causing him, so the oppurtunity for sessions is going to be a way off.
I've started smoking more cigarettes. I didn't smoke any while I was stoning, but I figure, one addiction at a time, right? I'm not back on 20 a day or anything, just a few rollies through the day, to replace that joint tobacco.
I had a massive clear out of my room last night. I threw away 3 bin bags full of stuff that I was just keeping out of habit. plus 3 years worth of Bizarre magazine. My personal space feels a bit less crowded, and that's helped brighten up my spirits a bit. My room's only tiny, so it gets crowded really easily. However, it has made me realise just how few clothes I own.
5 t-shits (all faded to shit)
2 pairs of jeans (old and too big for me now)
assorted underwear
2 shirts
1 suit
1 leather coat (knackered)
1 pair trainers (bit tattered)
So I'm going on a clothes buying mission on tuesday, I think. I'll get my grandma to take me to Milton Keynes and I'll buy some decent clothes, to help me create the new me a bit more.
Wow. I've poured my brain out a bit here, but I guess that's good. I'm going to be a lot more sociable soon, I feel. I've withdrawn into my own bubble the last few months, and I'm ready to come out of it now and make some friends!
Well, hope everyone's doing well, and I'll try and comment on all your journals sometime in the nex few days. Cheers!
Dear love.
I need you with me through these long dark days, and now when I need you the most it's for the very reason that I can't have you.
I need you to ease my fears and smooth my dips and peaks. I love being with you and spending every waking hour in your company but things have made it clear that we can't go any further. you have invaded me to the point that I am losing myself, and becoming just a mirror of you. I have been changed by you and will never be the same again, it feels like. But I have to believe there is something after this. A new morning without fear and sadness. And that's why I can't see you for a while. And I can't ever let us get that close again. I know you will always be there for me but I need to stand on my own feet for the first time, and stop using a crutch to help me through life. I need to communicate with others again, and move outside this relationship box. I need to stop soothing my lonliness with you and find some people who are willing to share my life on an unexclusive basis. I have to leave you. I'm sorry, but this is just how it has to be for now, even though it's killing me.
I'm sorry, I will always love you.
James
I need you with me through these long dark days, and now when I need you the most it's for the very reason that I can't have you.
I need you to ease my fears and smooth my dips and peaks. I love being with you and spending every waking hour in your company but things have made it clear that we can't go any further. you have invaded me to the point that I am losing myself, and becoming just a mirror of you. I have been changed by you and will never be the same again, it feels like. But I have to believe there is something after this. A new morning without fear and sadness. And that's why I can't see you for a while. And I can't ever let us get that close again. I know you will always be there for me but I need to stand on my own feet for the first time, and stop using a crutch to help me through life. I need to communicate with others again, and move outside this relationship box. I need to stop soothing my lonliness with you and find some people who are willing to share my life on an unexclusive basis. I have to leave you. I'm sorry, but this is just how it has to be for now, even though it's killing me.
I'm sorry, I will always love you.
James
loading your activity feed...