Shameless Facial Promotion.

God damn it, I really cannot wait until monday comes round. A whole week (8 days, in fact) of not having to go anywhere near bloody Unwins. YAY!
Anyway, I think I mentioned about giving up smoking on Tuesday, well, I'd forgotten how hard it bloody is! I've been really irritable all day, and off with everyone. Perhaps acting a little bit strange too. But I have discovered (thanks to my vast drug knowledge) the cure for cravings. TEA. yes. I drank 6 cups of tea in 5 hours at work, and I don't want a fag any more. I could go into the boring scientific explanation for this, and because it's my journal, I fucking well will!

Basically, nicotine increases the level of dopamine in your brain. This causes, over time, your dopamine producing mechanism to secrete less dopamine into your body. This happens because you are constantly stimulating them with nicotine. When you cease to use nicotine, the producers become sub-optimally active and your brain informs you that you need dopamine. This causes a nicotine craving.
The caffeine in tea also causes dopamine to be released by your brain, however it is far less aggressive, and does not cause retuning of the producers, just mild stimulation. Therefore, drinkning a cup of tea produces the dopmaine your body is requesting, and ends the craving. Other Central Nervous System stimulants, such as cocaine or ampthetamine could also be used, however they are less desirable because they cause addicition in and of themselves. Bing. See, I can still do science when I need to!

Anyway. I'm in the process of scoring some lovely blow, and then down the Cellar for a night of debauchery and destruction. Alternatively, Gareth and I will just get a bit pissed, and talk about how annoying everyone else in the world is, and how we could "have her, I reckon. Yeah, I'd bang it" which is so not really us, but alcohol is a demon for that!

Anyhoo. I just got the Bloc Party album, and it's well weapon. Anyway. Time for dinner. Mmmmmm ribs.

So, I'm somewhat frustrated. I want to do a degree in acoustics, or acoustic engineering, but it looks like I'm just plain not qualified enough at this point. I'm trying to think what I can do, and I think the best course of action might be to get myself a different degree, in, say, physics, and then use that to get a master's in acoustic engineering. It's all a bit of a pain in the arse really, and I may end up having to hold on for a year, so I can do another A level, in maths maybe. The trouble is, I kind of fucked up my A levels through taking too many drugs and being pretty much a depressed wreck due to my parents splitting up, mum having affairs, no money coming into the family and having to hold down a job to pay my school fees. Plus some other stuff I can't really talk about. But yeah, so in the end I came out with a C in physics, a D in chemistry and an E in AS level biology. Now, those aren't the worst results ever seen, but they're not quite good enough to get me into one of the TWO (count them, 2 in the whole bloody country!) universities that offer degrees with Acousitcs as a major part.
I suppose it's odd that I'm so intent on this one thing, but I am absolutely fascinated by sound and it's the only thing i've ever been able to actually think to myself "hey, I would actually like to study that!"

There's basically two options of courses I can do. I'm not gonna be able to get a place at southampton, because you need at least 300 points to get in there, and I've only got 160. Even if I do a maths A-level and get an A, I'll still only have 260, which is short. So, salford seems to be the only other place that offers it and that's the place I'll be applying for. Hopefully a BSc in acoustics, and then I'll do a postgraduate degree in sometyhing related to it.

So. here's the plan.
Do a mathematics A-level
Got to Salford to study acoustics
Find somewhere that offers a post grad that's related
Get a job in the industry (the dream would be to work for either Marshall or Bose)

Anyway. I should have known this was not going to be simple, nothing ever is with me, and again, I'm gonna be playing a waiting game, but I can do this, I know it and I'm sick of letting chances pass my by when they're staring me in the face.

So, I had a date on Saturday! first in over a year, and it was fab.
We met up at about 8, in the White Hart, and had a quick drink, a chance to smoke a few cigarettes and get relaxed. I was pretty nervous, but it was nothing a glass of wine didn't help sort out. The table was booked for 8.30, so we popped up there shortly and had a lovely meal. I had duck, I'm not sure what she had because I was slightly distracted by the impressive cleavage she'd created for my benefit. She was looking particularly stunning, I have to say. Black dress and black stilletoes. I'm going through this phase at the minute of being attracted to short curvy girls with dark hair, and she pretty much fits that mould exactly.5'1", dark hair with big tits and a nice big bum. A little heavy round the middle, but that's how I like it. She's got really sultry, dark eyes, lips that are just blatantly sexual, offset with a cute button nose. Oh I do like that little virgin/whore facial dichotomy. Anyway, in the inteersts of not sounding like a hideously superficial type a male, she also seems to be a really nice person. We talked about a lot of stuff, clubbing in london, music, work, shit like that. We sort of skirted round the fact that neither of us were particularly looking for a relationship at the minute, just something casual. I guess I do want a relationship, but I just don't think this particular girl is the one. We get on, but we don't particularly have a massive amount in common, so it's just pretty much a case of two people enjoying each other's company.
Anyway. We went back to the white hart after we ate, stayed there for a couple more drinks and left at about 11. I walked her back to hers, and she invited me in. I kind of suspected that might happen, as we were flirting like mad all night long. So yeah.
We pretty much stumbled through the door, and straight up to her room, her dragging me by the hand, where we proceded to have wild drunken monkey sex until some stupid time in the morning. During which time, she managed to kick me in the face with her shoe. Gave me a fat lip, and a bruised jaw. Not that I noticed at the time, being completely engrossed in what I was doing at that particular moment. But, for future reference, I highly recommend taking shoes off if your gonna do any positions involving ankles near ears! Just like running with scissors or smoking, it may look very very cool, but it's DANGEROUS! lol
Yeah. Afterwards we sort of dozed for a couple of hours, and got up about 7, she made me a nice cup of tea, and I headed off home. Where I didn't bother to go to sleep, and spent the whole of sunday in a wierd sleep deprived parallel universe that confused the shit out of me.
I sent her one of those "morning after" texts that are always so awkward about lunchtime, and she popped down to visit me at work. Looks like we're meeting up on Thursday night, after work, so I shall look forward to that!

I had a monster of a migraine last night, so I went to bed about 10:30, and crashed out.

Finally got the network up and running properly, and my fat lip has mostly gone down, so yeah. Life's not so fucking bad after all!

I miss playing.
That's the real truth. I think everyone does. Why do we have to suddenly get so serious when we grow up? I don't WANT to work for 5 7ths of my life, and spend the weekends mindless pissed. Alcohol is social control, a drug that keeps you stupid. I want to spend my life running through sunny woods and snowy fields, feeding on the fruits of the earth and naming the animals. I want to be an artist, not a labourer, and I want everyone to be there with me. I want to regress the human race back to childhood, design a virus that lies dormant until everyone is infected and then activates simultaneously. People will stand up from their work, walk out the front door, look up to the sky and God will rain gifts of infinite love down on them. We will make things for each other, things we enjoy making, playing in each others work places laughing and smiling like the beings of true beauty we are,
See, everyone enjoys doing something creative, cooking, making clothes, building bridges, whatever. It's a fact. The way we live now, with all these concerns about money and wealth is FUCKING BULLSHIT. ok? BULLSHIT. We are not supposed to be doing this. and it's killing us all. I know very few people who are completely content in what they're doing. Because they are working. Artists. Not Workers. remember that. it's important.
This is my vision for the world.
No politicians, no leaders, no money, no work, no misery, no war, no weapons.
Just, peace, love, unity, and respect. And glorious, glorious art in all its forms.

some lyrics that've been kicking around my book for a bit, and being worked on:
-------

Once he lived a smoothed out life
But now he sees with clearing eyes
The strength it takes to make a change
Is all it needs to keep him same

Like a drunk who's lost a bet caught in the rain
He'll find his way back home to you again

Since you stepped back through the door
He's worked out what he's waiting for
Even so it hurts to see
Another's pain will set him free

Waiting for the phone to print your name
He'll find his way back home to you again

The song he sings will glorify the tame
Determined not to fuck this up again

oh, and here's a demo of the music to go with it:
Clicky

What a nightmare day it's been,
At work, these two little bastard kids came in and tried to buy alcohol. I, of course, refused to sell to them, and they had a mini huff. It was a boy and a girl, no more than 12 or 13. I took a picture of one of them with my camera phone, stupidly, for a laugh. Simply because I found the whole situation hilarious. Well. They left, then kept coming back in, until I told them to get out and not come back. They refused to leave. A massive argument ensued, and I had to call the police to shift them. This normally does the job, and gets people who refuse to leave scared enough to go. But these brats just wouldn't go. The stupid fuckers thought they could actually get me in trouble for telling them to fuck off. They stood there, arguing with me for 20 minutes, while customers came and went (none of them offered to help, the cunts) and eventually, I just EXPLODED. I started shouting abuse at them, calling them fucking cunts, threatening to kill them, beat them up, and smack them one. I headbutted the till, kicked the shelves, and generally shouted my fucking head off. I don't think any of you have ever seen me angry, it doesn't happen often, but when it does I lose all self control. I go into total hyper rage. I have to try so hard not to let myself get into that state, because I'm terrified I could actually hurt someone. I was seconds from harming these kids. There were customers in the shop at the time, too, which was bad. Well. Luckily the police turned up, and he got rid of the kids for me, gave me their names and addresses so I can get them officially banned, and was just generally supportive of me.
I have to be honest, I terrified myself. I haven't lost it like that in years, and I'm generally such a mellow guy, but I could have actually seriously hurt a couple of kids(!) today if I'd lost just a little bit more control.
I dunno, they were clearly doing everything they could to wind me up, and get a rise out of me, but I think even they were scared when I blew up like that. I don't want to get a reputation as a nutter like I had at school, shit like that sticks, and is very hard to get rid of.

So. I went to the doctors yesterday, to sort out this stomach problem. He did a bit of investigative prodding and poking and reckons that it's something like a stomach ulcer. I've got to go back on Tuesday to have some blood tests and possibly an endoscopy at some point in the future. I guess that makes sense to me, I've been aware that something wasn't right inside for a while, but I still had plenty of appetite, due to smoking pot all the time and being constantly munched, so it wasn't until I gave up that the effects became properly noticable. I'm kind of worried still, because this is an unknown illness to me, but I guess it's treatable by drugs and shit, so it's not life threatening or anything. I just hope we can get it sorted quickly and easily, and until then I'm continuing my habit of munchin antacid tablets. I eat them like sweets anyway, because, being the freak I am, I actually like the taste!

Erm, what other news is there? Not a great deal, I guess. That's the problem I have with keeping journals. I don't really do a lot, to be honest, so I never have many actual events to talk about! Pretty sad huh, but my life is pretty much just

10 wake up
20 sit on computer
30 go to work
40 come home
50 sit on computer
60 go to bed,
70 goto 10

At least most of the time, anyway.
Hmmm. It's 10:45 am, and I could absolutely murder a kebab. I think I might be pregnant.

Oh, and thanks for all the well wishes and orders to go to the doctors!