IPOD
RADIO
everything that's not perfect
cluster headaches, back pain, drinking too much, smoking too much pot, feeling tired, night sweats, pangs of sadness, mood swings, drug cravings, stomach problems, unsatisfactory relationship arrangements, cantgetagirlcantgetajob, time wasting, not reading enough, spending too much, eating poorly, dehydrated, acting like peoples mother, not being myself all the time, best mate in a state, creative block, room's untidy, texting too much, not doing enough exercise, pushing people where they don't want to go, being annoying, being clingy, not being that into her but planning to do it anyway, still living at home, keep forgetting to pay bills, owed money, getting violent, being lazy, being complacent, not giving enough to charity, failing to understand, writing long self-accusatory rants on the internet to people who shouldn't really be interested.
everything that's perfect
little sisters, honey roast ham, acting like a man for a change, home clubbing, endless cups of tea, bitburger, ambient music, surges of self confidence, my mobile phone, american express, ampthill park, smoking just enough pot, improving as a producer, not having smoked a cigarette in months, that moment just then, insomnia by faithless, friends being happy, everytime i see your face i forget why i came here, payday, losing my debts, resolving to overcome inertia, poppy season, everything and everyone is just how i want them to be and i know i'll get the things i don't have because i am not the horrible person i sometimes think i am.
cluster headaches, back pain, drinking too much, smoking too much pot, feeling tired, night sweats, pangs of sadness, mood swings, drug cravings, stomach problems, unsatisfactory relationship arrangements, cantgetagirlcantgetajob, time wasting, not reading enough, spending too much, eating poorly, dehydrated, acting like peoples mother, not being myself all the time, best mate in a state, creative block, room's untidy, texting too much, not doing enough exercise, pushing people where they don't want to go, being annoying, being clingy, not being that into her but planning to do it anyway, still living at home, keep forgetting to pay bills, owed money, getting violent, being lazy, being complacent, not giving enough to charity, failing to understand, writing long self-accusatory rants on the internet to people who shouldn't really be interested.
everything that's perfect
little sisters, honey roast ham, acting like a man for a change, home clubbing, endless cups of tea, bitburger, ambient music, surges of self confidence, my mobile phone, american express, ampthill park, smoking just enough pot, improving as a producer, not having smoked a cigarette in months, that moment just then, insomnia by faithless, friends being happy, everytime i see your face i forget why i came here, payday, losing my debts, resolving to overcome inertia, poppy season, everything and everyone is just how i want them to be and i know i'll get the things i don't have because i am not the horrible person i sometimes think i am.
everything that's not perfect
cluster headaches, back pain, drinking too much, smoking too much pot, feeling tired, night sweats, pangs of sadness, mood swings, drug cravings, stomach problems, unsatisfactory relationship arrangements, cantgetagirlcantgetajob, time wasting, not reading enough, spending too much, eating poorly, dehydrated, acting like peoples mother, not being myself all the time, best mate in a state, creative block, room's untidy, texting too much, not doing enough exercise, pushing people where they don't want to go, being annoying, being clingy, not being that into her but planning to do it anyway, still living at home, keep forgetting to pay bills, owed money, getting violent, being lazy, being complacent, not giving enough to charity, failing to understand, writing long self-accusatory rants on the internet to people who shouldn't really be interested.
cluster headaches, back pain, drinking too much, smoking too much pot, feeling tired, night sweats, pangs of sadness, mood swings, drug cravings, stomach problems, unsatisfactory relationship arrangements, cantgetagirlcantgetajob, time wasting, not reading enough, spending too much, eating poorly, dehydrated, acting like peoples mother, not being myself all the time, best mate in a state, creative block, room's untidy, texting too much, not doing enough exercise, pushing people where they don't want to go, being annoying, being clingy, not being that into her but planning to do it anyway, still living at home, keep forgetting to pay bills, owed money, getting violent, being lazy, being complacent, not giving enough to charity, failing to understand, writing long self-accusatory rants on the internet to people who shouldn't really be interested.
everything that's not perfect
cluster headaches, back pain, drinking too much, smoking too much pot, feeling tired, night sweats, pangs of sadness, mood swings, drug cravings, stomach problems, unsatisfactory relationship arrangements, cantgetagirlcantgetajob, time wasting, not reading enough, spending too much, eating poorly, dehydrated, acting like peoples mother, not being myself all the time, best mate in a state, creative block, room's untidy, texting too much, not doing enough exercise, pushing people where they don't want to go, being annoying, being clingy, not being that into her but planning to do it anyway, still living at home, keep forgetting to pay bills, owed money, getting violent, being lazy, being complacent, not giving enough to charity, failing to understand, writing long self-accusatory rants on the internet to people who just aren't interested.
cluster headaches, back pain, drinking too much, smoking too much pot, feeling tired, night sweats, pangs of sadness, mood swings, drug cravings, stomach problems, unsatisfactory relationship arrangements, cantgetagirlcantgetajob, time wasting, not reading enough, spending too much, eating poorly, dehydrated, acting like peoples mother, not being myself all the time, best mate in a state, creative block, room's untidy, texting too much, not doing enough exercise, pushing people where they don't want to go, being annoying, being clingy, not being that into her but planning to do it anyway, still living at home, keep forgetting to pay bills, owed money, getting violent, being lazy, being complacent, not giving enough to charity, failing to understand, writing long self-accusatory rants on the internet to people who just aren't interested.
Every day is an epiphany at the minute.
I've realised today, just how much I want to leave home. I'm 22 now, half way to 23. It's time to go.
Luckily for me, my best friend is in the exact same situation, so we're gonna get a place together. And new jobs, 'cos we both work in the same shitty shop. It may end up being the decline that I've dodged for a while, it may end up being the escape, time will tell.
All I know is that there's nothing left for me here, and it truly is time to go.
I've realised today, just how much I want to leave home. I'm 22 now, half way to 23. It's time to go.
Luckily for me, my best friend is in the exact same situation, so we're gonna get a place together. And new jobs, 'cos we both work in the same shitty shop. It may end up being the decline that I've dodged for a while, it may end up being the escape, time will tell.
All I know is that there's nothing left for me here, and it truly is time to go.
"I laid in a field of green grass for 4 hours, going "My god, I love everything!!". The heavens parted, God looked down and rained Gifts of Forgiveness onto my being, healing me on every level -- psychically, physically, emotionally -- and I realized our true nature is spirit, not body, that we are eternal beings and God's love is unconditional and there is nothing we can ever do to change that. It is only our illusion that we are separate from god, or that we are alone. In fact, the reality is that we are one with God and God loves us."
What i did on May Day, in the words of Bill Hicks.
What i did on May Day, in the words of Bill Hicks.
I would like to leave this city
This old town don't smell too pretty and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
And when I leave this island I'll book myself into a soul asylum
And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
So here I go still scratching around the same old hole
My body feels young but my mind is very old
So what do you say?
You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
You're half the world away
Half the world away
Half the world away
I've been lost I've been found but I don't feel down.
This old town don't smell too pretty and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
And when I leave this island I'll book myself into a soul asylum
And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
So here I go still scratching around the same old hole
My body feels young but my mind is very old
So what do you say?
You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
You're half the world away
Half the world away
Half the world away
I've been lost I've been found but I don't feel down.
It's over...
...And when it's all said and done, what is he any more? Nothing but an empty, bitter, jealous shell. A cracked mirror to give a burnished reflection of better days.
Mute in solitude and company, a weathered voice that passes vengeful but impotent judgement, his tongue a skeletal hand, scratching at the door, begging to be let inside in vain. He is a fallen idol, a cracked rock, a paragon of tired and passionless inertia bought to his knees years too late, and only now finding that he never really did anything at all.
He is redundant and retired, faded like the oldest of inks, his brighter core a black lead mass like a dead star condemned to forever float through a bleak sky.
He is still at the starting block, although the race is already run.
His are the most insipid of platitudes, the most rampant of bromides and banalities. His desperate pleadings for love show his utter lack of anything approaching a soul, they betray the gutted, raped slough that is his spirit.
He is vacant, defunct, and exceptionable, but there is a spark inside.
Like the tip of a cigarette, burning on a rimed winters night, a coruscation of recalcitrant defiance as he refuses to be dragged past his lowest ebb.
The will to rebuild and repair his razed personality is still within him, not yet quashed by the injustices wreaked upon him. Jigsaw like, he will manufacture a new chitin shell against all hurts and from within this mollusc like space secrete a pearl around the sand grain of his contumacy. A new nacre like personality.
He is become a shining sun once again.
---
Just showing off my vocabulary
...And when it's all said and done, what is he any more? Nothing but an empty, bitter, jealous shell. A cracked mirror to give a burnished reflection of better days.
Mute in solitude and company, a weathered voice that passes vengeful but impotent judgement, his tongue a skeletal hand, scratching at the door, begging to be let inside in vain. He is a fallen idol, a cracked rock, a paragon of tired and passionless inertia bought to his knees years too late, and only now finding that he never really did anything at all.
He is redundant and retired, faded like the oldest of inks, his brighter core a black lead mass like a dead star condemned to forever float through a bleak sky.
He is still at the starting block, although the race is already run.
His are the most insipid of platitudes, the most rampant of bromides and banalities. His desperate pleadings for love show his utter lack of anything approaching a soul, they betray the gutted, raped slough that is his spirit.
He is vacant, defunct, and exceptionable, but there is a spark inside.
Like the tip of a cigarette, burning on a rimed winters night, a coruscation of recalcitrant defiance as he refuses to be dragged past his lowest ebb.
The will to rebuild and repair his razed personality is still within him, not yet quashed by the injustices wreaked upon him. Jigsaw like, he will manufacture a new chitin shell against all hurts and from within this mollusc like space secrete a pearl around the sand grain of his contumacy. A new nacre like personality.
He is become a shining sun once again.
---
Just showing off my vocabulary
I kind of, sorta, maybe, totally would fuck Kelly Osbourne, I realised tonight. God knows why, but I find her strangely alluring. Weirdo.
I'm writing this entry from my brand new, beautiful laptop. I'm considering sleeping with this laptop, it's that fucking amazing. Yeah, well, I've not really figured out what use I have for it yet, but it'll become clear in time. My dad found out i'd bought it, and thankfully didn't bitch me out too much about it, so that was a pleasant surprise. Pictures of it will be taken soon, no doubt.
I'm feeling like such a gadget boy these days. Shiny laptop, shiny phone, shiny iPod, I'm turning into Nathan fucking Barley, and I fucking love it. Neo-Yuppie. hehe.
Recently, I guess I'm just really happy. Things that should/would normally upset me are just water off a duck's back. So yeah, FUCKING GREAT!
haha. I dunno. I guess from the outside I look like a big druggy mess, but really, I'm comparitively sober these days, and pretty tidy personality wise. How am I like this? God knows. I think it's about fucking time I had some peace, though. I've been owed it for fucking years. Maybe I've just lost it at last, nah. I doubt that. hah. God. I'm happy and yet I can't stop analysing it! how very... me.Peace and Fucking!
I've just purchased for myself one of these lovely techological beasties.
I don't really need it, and I've got no other excuse except I wanted one, and I've got an American Express.
Trophy.
I've done basically fuck all this weekend, just lazed about basically. Went out Friday night, spent pretty much the rest of the weekend on the internet. Meh.
I guess I feel a bit loved up at the minute, but I'm getting the vibe that if I express that to people, they're gonna run a fucking mile. I don't know why we can't just tell people when we feel happy to have them in our lives, because really, everyone should feel glad about hearing that. It's kind of weird of me to think like that, I guess, hence why I haven't said anything to people, but I guess I am just really happy that certain people are around at the minute, and that they're impacting my life in positive ways.
That person was in my dream again last night. She worked at the shop, doing sunday nights so we never got the chance to meet. She left a book of pictures of herself there and I saw her standing with crowds, but I was struck dumb and couldn't speak to her. I know this dream means something, because I've had it 3 times now, but I can't work it out.
This morning I broke it off with Katie. She gave me a hug, and said it was ok, and that we'd still hang out. I feel a bit... meh about the whole thing I guess. I clearly couldn't carry on with it, but (being frank here) I don't get the chance for physical intimacy very often, and voluntarily denying myself it is a pretty difficult thing to do. I guess it's also a bit of a bummer, because she is seriously gorgeous, and a really, really cool person, and so far out of my league that I'm unlikely to ever get someone like that again. I know I sound like a selfish, shallow bastard, but that's just the way I feel right now.
I am duty bound to post this flyer
Anyone who fancies coming should, they're a great band. Check out their website
(it also contains amusing pictures of my friend when he looked like a lady)
This morning I broke it off with Katie. She gave me a hug, and said it was ok, and that we'd still hang out. I feel a bit... meh about the whole thing I guess. I clearly couldn't carry on with it, but (being frank here) I don't get the chance for physical intimacy very often, and voluntarily denying myself it is a pretty difficult thing to do. I guess it's also a bit of a bummer, because she is seriously gorgeous, and a really, really cool person, and so far out of my league that I'm unlikely to ever get someone like that again. I know I sound like a selfish, shallow bastard, but that's just the way I feel right now.
I am duty bound to post this flyer
Anyone who fancies coming should, they're a great band. Check out their website
(it also contains amusing pictures of my friend when he looked like a lady)
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