Noooooooo! Tsunami Bomb broke up! Laaaame.

I have just booked my driving test for the second of December. The day after my birthday, which means I can't get drunk, but that's probably a good thing! I can't wait to be driving after putting it off for so long, it'll be nice to be able to get about under my own steam, at last.

I got a bitching new phone yesterday, Nokia 6681, yeah, I know it's just a phone, but I'm a gadget obsessed twat, so I fucking love it. It's actually my third one this year, because I keep dropping them in my drink down the pub. Hah. Don't know what that's all about. I seem to be extra clumsy lately for some reason.

I used to freak out about the fact that I didn't have a lot of friends. I've always existed with just a core of about 4 or 5 good friends, and never bothered with the whole expanded social circle thing. I always felt I was missing something.

I've realised recently that it's probably a good thing I don't have a lot of close people in my life. I can barely cope with keeping in touch with the ones I've got.
I haven't seen my best mate in 3 weeks, due to my own slackness. Bad James.
*ahem*
--
This time of year is pretty special to me.
Last year, in october and november I had a series of extremely powerful experiences that changed me beyond all recognition. It was sort of a coming of age time, but better. I lost all my neurotic fears about the future, and became a very spiritual person, which I never really was before. I'm not really going to go into these experiences, as they're very personal, and I don't think most people would really understand, but they were transcendental and transformative.
I learned to forgive today, and always look forward to tomorrow, whatever happens.
--
New Phone! : 07944195301

Random texts and drunken insanity always welcome

Peace out! (oh god, did he really just say that? maaaan what a loser! )

People say I'm the life of the party because I tell a joke or two. Although I might be laughing loud and hearty deep inside I'm blue.
I need you. I need you
Since you left me if you see me with another girl, seeming like I'm having fun. Although she may be cute she's just a substitute because you're the permanent one.
Outside I'm masquerading, inside my hope is fading. I'm just a clown oh yeah. Since you put me down my smile is my make up I wear since my break up with you..
So take a good look at my face and you'll see my smile looks out of place. I f you look closer, it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.

I'm a fucking hippy.

Yeah. You heard. A goddamn HIPPY

I went for a walk last night, at about 2 in the morning, this is my new thing. I skinned up, put some quality ambient music on my ipod, and went for a walk in Woburn Safari Park. Well, not actually in the safari park, just the big open wildlife park bit outside. There's loads of goats, and deer roaming about the place, and I got quite engrossed in just wandering about, stoned off my tits, absorbing some nature.

See. Hippy.

Yesterday was the day the dog died, which is very sad. We've had her for about 14 years, but recently there was a big decline in her health and she wiggled her way from this world to the next last night. I don't think she suffered too much, which is good.

The cat seems pretty lost now. He's walking round the house mrowing, looking for his friend. It's at times like this you're reminded just what a high degree of sentience animals have.

Other than that, life is fine. At least, it will be when i learn the value of self control.

x

Who wants to go down the pub? I'm thirsty

Right. I've got a 3 track demo being made as we speak, should be ready in the next two weeks, i think, so if anyone fancies a (free) copy, just drop me your address via the contact tab, and i'll send one out to you. Ta.

Also, if you want to hear a couple of the tracks in an unfinished state, they're up at myspace

Werd.

Don't you just love the way the guitar solo in Purple Rain starts off so restrained, and then gets progressively sillier, until it's almost a parody of guitar heroism?

I do, anyway.

So. I guess, despite everything I wrote in my last entry, or possibly because of it, I ended up totally falling for the girl in question. Quelle surprise.

Now I'm stuck in "waiting for her to make up her mind" limbo, and it's not particularly fun. Still, these things are sent to try us, as they say.

This weekend I discovered the following things:

- Pink Floyd are still absolutely amazing
- Drink driving is terrifying
- Mobiles are tempremental as fuck
- I shouldn't drink white wine

Yeah. Boring week, i guess.

It's alright to hide away underneath the ocean


They never teach you how to say no at school, and they really should.

So, Saturday night was intense, strange, long, good, awful, a mistake.

The girl from a few weeks ago invited me to a party, basically purely for a fuck, plain and simple. Well, thinks i, i'll pretend that i'm into that sort of thing because actually i really like her, and want her, so i'll act like i can do no-strings, and all that stuff. needless to say, i can't. I spent all week psyching myself up, trying to be mr. macho, trying to act like i can fuck with emotional detatchment. I ignored wise advice from people I should have learned to trust by now, ten thousand more apologies for that.

So i went.

Do you remember when you were 17/18 and drinking was purely and simply about getting fucked off your face? When the general aim of a party was to vomit? I'd forgotten what that was like. These days I'm more mature, I know my limit with alcohol, I can get drunk and stay at just the right level without risking a stint driving the porcelain bus. These kids haven't learned that yet.

So H, the girl i was supposed to be there with, was probably the most drunk of all. We fucked, yeah, but I couldn't overcome the feeling that I was acting, not being me, just playing a role. She was so drunk she threw up in my tent in flagrante delicto, as they say. She passed out, and twitched for five minutes until I managed to revive her. She cried, she hurled, she fell over, I held her hair back, I played motherfucking babysitter, all the while knowing if i really was who i was pretending to be.. i'd have just turned and walked away.

I make no bones about admitting I fucked up. I did something that was unfair to everyone involved, I acted like a cunt and I hold my hands up to it.
Strangely, the realisation of this makes me happy.

I am not the shallow piece of shit I think I am sometimes.

Oh yeah, and I told her it's not gonna happen again.