Things have been trivial, yet stressful over the past month.
It seems to just be a lot of little things.

As I wake the first thoughts are usually of running away. Away from this town,state,country as far as I can.
Sometimes I just want to start over.
The only things that keep me here are opportunities for an uncertain future.

I just don't know.

My hearts melting
To tell you all the truth I need help man
My hearts big, but my sins are bigger
Its like "Fuck the world" I don't feel like I can win
I'm lost and I only seem to find demons
I just want to quit this life
It's like I'm tired of breathing
So through the stress I confess to you

The End

ANGER, has been nipping at my heels,
Making its presence ever more known

Two years of work
training
tears
pain.
Slowly slipping further away.

I do not lose my temper. Never have. I use it. I channel all the pure emotion, HATRED. Into positive outlets.
Getting so good at it these emotions seem things of another life

Why do I feel the need to fight others battles?
Those close to me.
I have no business nor place in this.

As one who fears nothing earthly....I am slowly gaining more fear of whats inside.

Every day. It makes it's presence known. Never to anyone else just me.
For the first time in years I remember this.........

First and for most thank you all for your words, prayers, songs and just your genuine concern.
Things are good.The doctors where able to get him to regain feeling in his body, as well as stop the shaking.
He was discharged the other day.

For those of you that read my journal I ask that if you are religious or spiritual in any way. I care not what god you pray to just that you pray. I ask if you Can please send up words to the creator tonight in prayer.
Someone very close to me was just informed that not less then 30 min ago there father ( lee ) was involved in a car crash. Its very serious. While I do not know everything surrounding it what I do know is things do not look good.
Please just take a moment and send your words, and your songs to the creator so he may watch over lee as he watches over us all..
Thank you.
Jay Longstar

P.S if you are able to get in touch with any prayer circles or sweats, or drum groups. Please pass the message along.
Thank you

Sometimes Greatness is defined Not by what we Accomplish,
But by what we Overcome.


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Changed my mind, Getting the tattoo on my ribs, right side.

I'm having trouble finding someone in the area who will do my Venom's.
Most piercers around here suck at what they do. People who paid 100 bucks got some needles and now feel comfortable to put holes in peoples bodies with no thorough training or knowledge.
The one shop in the area I feel comfortable with refuses to do any sort of tongue piercing due to personal preference/experience.

The story behind them not doing it is this:
This girl came in to get her tongue done, saying she had had it pierced before but was forced to take it out. It healed, she wanted it done again.
They agreed.........
Well she had had her tongue pierced four times before not one and there was a considerable amount of scar tissue. Which in turn pushed the needle ever so slightly to the side nicking a vain.
She bleed.......a lot. They began to get nervous because of the vast amount of the blood.
So they rushed her to the hospital. Only to find out the girl is on blood thinner.
Usually info you don't withhold from your piercer.

I miss Anuyi Raine, katie, and shera

though I am still in contact with some of them its not the same to come back to the site without them, not being able to read there comments in my journals and to read about there daily lives.....

So I guaged two of my lobe piercings last night. From a 10g to a 6g.
No pain no lube, I didn't even have to push them through. I was kind of disappointed.

Now the jump of two guages wasn't really by choice at first, but when originally going to an 8g I realized that the O rings I had been using ( much bigger then needed for the 10g's I had in ) had actually gone not only through my ear but had hit the other O ring and was stuck inside my lobe. So after fighting with it to come out, and realizing that the 8's where no longer gonna be big enough I went to the store across from my work and bought 6's.

Kind of an anticlimactic way to end a story but none the less

The End

There was once a time when my life seemed as though I had no control over the direction in which I was to head. Now It is as though I am standing still, surrounded by different paths, choices in which direction I want my life to head..... How am I supposed to know what the right choices are?
I think things where easier when I had no choice.

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Why are men dickheads???
Why do you ( women ) allow us to treat you as so?
In my culture we are all taught from a very early age that no matter what we ( males ) do in life, i.e be a leader for our people, country. or even cure cancer it will never bring us close to the greatness that surrounds women.
From the time a young girl becomes a women. Every male then realizes her power, and our inferiority.
We are fine with this. Women bring life, and make this life worth living.
Yet to see women of any culture, age. Tolerate being bullied, stepped on, and treated like prisoners in there relationships. I question.....Why. Do you fail to realize how truly amazing/important you all are?
Is it differences in your upbringing?

A quick example of differences.

In european culture when a girl, first becomes a women. With her first period. She often seems shunned, hid, alone.

In our culture this is cause for celebration. The entire town will get together and have a feast at dinner time. Sing, dance, party. Well into the night. The cause for celebration....This girl becoming a women. The whole party is for her. Every women gets this treatment. Acceptance into the community as a women from that day on, no longer a child.

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Finally resized my pictures so there up. Check um out

So after three months of 90+ hours a week I have finally decided to throw in the towel. I will no longer kill myself for the profit of others.

Maybe this means a leap forward in an attempt to gain a life.....

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I have now booked my trip back to Virginia beach, as well as my upcoming adventure to Japan.
This will be the first of two trips to Japan,
Trip 1.) Get an idea of the land, Help me learn the language better
Trip 2.) Will be moving to a monastery to study under a monk.....Seriously no joke


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Sometimes I want to just accept all the credit cards I'm "pre-approved" for. Then max them all out on whatever it is I desire at the moment. Then in the face of Overwhelming Debt, Pack up all I own and move to the rez for the rest of my life ^_^

So my second holes in my ears are only at a 14g at the moment and while sparing last night The little balls on the end where both ripped through my ears.........
Now I should have known not to wear them because this is how I got my industrial ripped out of my ear.
It didn't really hurt just bled a lot.
*Shrugs Shoulders*

All in all There fine..........I think

The End