So this is going to sound totally stupid but here goes...

So there's this girl. I met her in a class I had. After a semester of talking and the occasional casual dinner or two, I realize that I have a lot in common with her and begin to like her as more then a friend.

Being a guy who doesn't like the high school style relationship bullshit I tell her a straight up honest fashion. Of course she had just started dating another guy and turned me down.

Flash to now, which is about five months since I last talked to her. I get the sudden urge to try and reconnect with her. Take a shot in the dark and see if she will even talk to me. So I send her a message (a friend request really) the only place I really can, her myspace profile. But see I'm really a myspace user (why have one when I have a better version of the same thing here). So I setup an honest profile. After a week or two with no response back I accept that she doesn't want to talk to me and that's it.

Or so I thought.

Until today when I'm at work, a coffee shop on Main street called Espresso Royale, and I see her at the counter while I'm working the espresso machine. My first reaction is to duck and say perfuse swearing under my breath. When I had collected myself I popped up and said hi and started to talk to her.

Now here's where I start to sound really stupid. She actually talks back to me and starts to have a meaningful conversation with me. Worse yet she actually takes my offer to sit at the bar and talk to me.

At that point I'm fucking thrown for a loop. Complete and utterly stunned. Here is a random girl from my past, that I had just decided a week or two ago I still had feelings for, that randomly stumbles into the very place I work, at the very time I was working without knowing I worked there and without any contact with me for five months.

I swear some Higher Power just really enjoys fucking with me. I mean I know that after six years of one relationship after another failing before they even become relationships, that this whole thing can't end well. I can feel the dark clouds of lustful doom.

Thoughts, comments?

I know the above looks like the ramblings of a crazy person but personally, today's events were just really really creepy to me

I'd like to think that I'm not a totally bitter person. That the world hasn't totally crushed my spirit. Yet every day that passes I think brings that closer and closer to being true.

I guess I feel abandoned. Abandoned by people who said they were there for me. By people I tried my best for and went out of my way to make happy and help. I guess I feel that way because whenever it has come to the point where I need help or need someone to make me happy those same people either don't try at all or only try until it takes some work. Parents, teachers, friends...all people who I have tried my best to give every common curtsey, every respect , and have tried to be there when I needed them. Sure they say come to them if I need anything but when I do it's something impossible to handle. Fuck I've had to help people twice my age with problems I had no clue how to fix but I tried to give them what support I could. But when it's my problem people who have told me flat out they know better and more then I do, don't even try. They don't even try when it's their only son. They only what to know whose fault it is.

I've gotten tired of hearing "you shouldn't let it bother you." How do you tell someone that saying that doesn't excuse them from not doing anything to help the problem. Worse that isn't an excuse for someone's actions.


I think that is one of the root causes of my depression. I just want a friend. A true friend that will treat me like a human being and be there for me when I'm down and who I can be there for them when they're down. No tallies or "I did this for you so I expect you to do this for me."

I think the harder I try to be a good friend the more weirder I seem to people. I'm punished for trying to be a good person and think of others. Why does everyone think there is a catch. Why does every girl that I'm nice to out of respect think that I'm working some angle? Why is it when I'm honest about my feelings and tell people straight out rather then stalking around it is that creepy?

Fuck I just need a good friend that will be there for me. Or a girlfriend who doesn't think being cared about is creepy.

Then again those things don't exist.

When watching "Bones" starts to cheers you up, you know you are seriously fucked up.

Wow what a long work day. I mean it wasn't that bad but still maybe a little venting is in order?

-I Had to work with my boss which was a little nerve racking since she moves very quickly sometimes but she doesn't take tips so that I guess is an upside. She's a nice woman but I just don't have her totally figured out

-I hate cappuccinos, ok maybe I don't hate them I just have high standards for myself when it comes to cappuccino foam. Even though most people wouldn't know a latte from a cappuccino, let alone what GOOD cappuccino foam looks like. But never the less I try to make perfect foam for everyone.

-I hate fucking stay at home moms who decide to get coffee mid day with multiple children who they just let run around unattended.

Put all three of those things together with a mid day rush and you have fucking disaster. I guess I just hate fucking up things I know I can do.

Also it's been kind of bothering me that it seems everyone I work with has at least one friend come by and talk with them. It's not that I mind them taking a few minutes to talk to their friends. It just reinforces the fact that no one comes to see me. No one comes to talk to me. Hell a lot of customers don't even acknowledge my existence when I say "good afternoon" to them. No wonder I'm so depressed.

I miss having good conversations with people who have the maturity level above a six year old and the attention span above a jack rabbit. It seems like everyone assumes I have an agenda whenever I say anything. If I'm nice I must want something or what to ask them out or etc...

I miss good conversations where people just listen to what I say and respond with thought out answers and allow me to respond with thought out answers.

Today's lesson: Almost Everything Electronic These Days Has A Secret Debug Mode
(Subtitled: I am a very big geek.)

So I'm riding in the car with my father who has his car in for service and has a loaner. In a new BMW 5 series, more importantly with iDrive. So we're riding along and I'm thinking and pondering and realize hey that whole iDrive has a pretty extensive software backbone. Then I start to wonder if it has a secret debug mode or a Field Test program or such. Yes I know geeky but hey it gets worse.

Out comes the iPhone (heavy customized, geek strike two) where I quickly google BMW secret debug modes using my EDGE connection (geek strike three).

Of course five minutes later I have a nice debug menu all pulled up. I laugh and shut it off because I have no use for it.

Kids I need a girlfriend...badly

Ok I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I know ObeyPabst has been just worried sick. Yes that was a joke, because I know no one even noticed that I was gone.

Judging by the christmas tree at the mall that has been up since early October it looks like the holidays are coming up. Woo fucking hoo. Yes I am one of those people who HATE the holidays. Not because I hate my family and not because I don't like get stuff. It's just...I hate what people turn into around the holidays.

But since none of you believe that...here's what I want for christmas:



I want to get back in photography, though I have to admit I'm a little hesitant. I don't really feel I know enough. I want to learn but I don't want to just wander around teaching myself nor do I want to subject myself to another basic photography class where they explain the rule of thirds, give you some crappy 35mm, and pretend that your pictures are good.

I guess I was kind of inspired by the Photoshop teacher I had. She didn't teach me basic photoshop by holding my hand and holding me to a lower standard. She held me to a professional level standard but taught me to work to that standard.

Oh yeah on that note I want a real (read: legit) copy of Photoshop CS3. Which really shouldn't be all that hard since I am a student and I do qualify for a education discount.

I'm also hesitant to get back into photography since it's an expensive hobby and I'm not really looking to go into it as a profession, though life has been throwing me curve balls.

Comments anyone?

So I'm on Twitter now. Same name (JackMcGinnis). Come read about my boring little life.

I need make outs.

Man, I've forgotten what make outs are even like.

So I feel like the past four hours have been a relapse for me.

I back to being kind of depressed, kind of nervous, and back to wondering why hasn't anything changed or improved in my life.

I guess it's a disappointment with my social life? I mean when I was up in Canada, which god was two years ago, I would end up going to the movies alone. Always because I could never get someone to go with me. Tonight I went to the movies alone because I had nothing better to do and you know what? It felt fucking terrible.

Am I really that repulsive of a guy that I still don't have some sort of a friend? I mean I think I would have felt a little better if I would have had at least someone to call, and then them just being busy, but no, I had no one to call and I knew that. I've stopped even taking shots in the dark.

Plus this whole being really nervous when I normally wouldn't thing is really starting to worry me. I mean this is something totally new and it seemed to crop up right after my whole Starbucks ordeal. I mean tonight I found out that I'm closing with my boss. Something that isn't totally bad, I've been a good employee. But for some reason I'm fucking terrified. Why? I don't know. I mean I've worked with her before. This should be no biggie, right?

I don't know this is why I need a good friend. I mean I'd love to start there. Then maybe advance onwards to a decent girlfriend that isn't just using me to make her self feel better or as a place holder.

Well night night interwebs and pictures of really hot, sexy, intelligent girls.

Shit I really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. I want to go ride my bike. I need some bike therapy. I mean things haven't been that bad...they've really just stayed the same. Which is something that worries me. I want to be progressing forward, not stay stagnate.

I could use a good zen ride.

Still I hope I'm not working with my manager tomorrow. It's not that I don't like her...she just makes me a little nervous. Then again I've been overly paranoid at this job trying to do my best, since the Starbucks thing turned into such a ball of shit. Which wasn't really my fault but still I want to seen as a good worker not someone they're taking a chance on. So yes, I guess the fact that she's a authority figure and the fact that every time I try and be friendly and start a conversation it always fails does cause me to get anxious around her. I mean how was I supposed to know that one of her cats was mauled by ferrets. That was an awkward moment.

Well I'm going to try and get some sleep. I have to cancel an online order tomorrow by phone which is going to be soooooooo much fun.