Blah, the shitty shit that happened at work is still bothering me. Plus I'm not too thrilled to have to work my next few shifts with the exact people I don't want to work with. But oh well so is life. At least it is only two hours in both cases.

Anyways I've been taking a lot of trips to the Detroit Zoo to take photos. The animals cheer me up I guess and I feel I've been taking some decent photos. I've posted a bunch below, unedited and uncroped. Tell me what you think. I think I might start making up some prints, at least for myself.

Man have I had one of the shittest days. Somedays the people at my work just piss me off. When you fuck up and are lazy and get caught, own up to it! Don't blame me when I'm one who finally had enough of your shit.

Anyways I glad I've got you fine people to leave nice comments and check in when I haven't posted in awhile. Nothing makes a guy who feels like no one even notices or cares about him think otherwise faster then coming home after a shitty day to find nice comments.

I have my flickr acount up and running. I'll be posting more photos as time goes on. Feed back is always welcome.

I still don't know what to think about the girl that keeps coming into my coffee shop and flirting with me yet I know she has a boyfriend. For some reason though I don't feel all that invested. I mean this feels just like everyother girl interaction-relationship hopeful dance I've had. I mean she seems cool and all but I don't know. I really think I have better things to do then chase women.

So yeah also does anyone want to go to the D-Town Zoo. I have this membership that allows one guest to get in free, just offering. It's always a nice excuse to get out of the house.

I feel like I've been a bad person...sometimes but I've come to a point where I think I've started to make some process towards being less depressed.

What makes me feel bad is that NOT listening to my parents and just doing what I think is right has yielded positive results towards battling my depression. Probably because they've both fucking given up on being anything but negitive, angry people which does nothing to help me get better but I think I've kind of moved on.

To give you some background, when I was a kid I was that one in a million kids that listened to his parents and believed that everything they said was pure truth. Good for them (they had a low maintenance kid), bad for me it caused me to have a couple of break downs later in life when I finally faced the real truth that they didn't really believe the stuff they had taught me to believe. I don't blame them though, their intentions in the beginning where chase. Try to raise a kid well. Of course as I grew up they also drifted further and further apart from each other (like really strong magnets) putting me in the middle to play messenger, problem solver, basically to be the adult of the three. I'm telling you making a kid be the mediator and voice of reason for two adults at age 12 sure does fuck you up.

But really I didn't come here to write about how they screwed up. I came to write my thoughts out to encourage me to follow this path since while maybe not the safest or wisest in their eye (fuck that they aren't even really paying attention to my path anymore) it does seem to have some good on it. I guess maybe I came to write to toss off some fear? Which frankly there is a lot since I'm facing a lot of them I developed when I was young.

The current one being photography and my dad and the fact that even though I've spent eight years trying to get him to teach me what he knows or discuss what he knows and all I've gotten is the same brand of vague and degrading comments. It's like during the years he did photograph he was a stupid kid and that nothing can come from encouraging that in me but he won't say flat out that I shouldn't or can't.

I'm thinking that Monday was another start of a new era. While at the Detroit Zoo taking pictures I found myself asking "is it wrong to not feel alone when you are all alone?" I had an amazing time Monday at the zoo, just me and my camera, all alone. Maybe I didn't feel totally alone since I was surrounded by animals that were more civilized then most people I see on a daily basis, but you see the point. I didn't have people pretending that they truly believe the noblest things or giving me vague comments on how to improve my shots or anything of the sort.

It was me and my camera, deciding everything and trying to make the best decisions and shots based on what I thought was best. Being able to have the clarity of hearing myself think that allowed me to try different things and have new ideas. I had fun and felt like I learned something. Period, no strings, no feeling bad because I didn't feel a certain way.

Still I don't think that I have to be totally alone to have moments of clarity or have a good time. I still believe that there are positive people out there that can effect me in postive ways. Maybe they won't always be a postive influence but I'll just have to make a judgment call on that which such a happy change for me from the world of absolutes I was taught.

The world does not make sense, it can't make total sense, but I am now seeing that is one of the things that makes it so great. That the things you do and the places you go may not make sense or reason but with the intention of trying to do what you think is best you will learn a lot more then just doing what people have told you is best.

So what if I spent and am still spending insane amounts of money on frivolous stuff. I'm learning that if it teaches me something important or stimulates me to explore or discover something important it is worth it. Then again I know very well that not every stupid decision ends that way. Just how things that seem to be stupid choices turn into learning experiences and experiences you grow from seemingly bad decisions can just be bad decisions. Same applies with seemingly good actions and decisions. Good can equal bad and good.

On that note I think I've done enough rambling. I don't know if I've made any sense. I feel like I've made some sense to myself but if you feel like I'm chock full of shit or gone off the deep end or just have it wrong. Tell me flat out and why you think so...I'm not looking for a fight since I won't be offended...I'm just curious about other people's thoughts. Yes I'm looking at you.

I think I came to terms with something in the last week or so.

I'm that guy.

The guy that has no luck. Women screw him over. Bad things happen to him for no reason. The very people who treat him the shittyest are the people he has tried to be the nicest to.

The guy that in all rights should feel screwed over and depressed. (Which I have felt sometimes.)

But for some reason right now I can't care less. Worse I find myself saying that if I'm going to be screwed over I want an adventure. I want to be chased across a roof top by police spot light (wait that has actually happened). I want something worthy of a story.

Have I just hit rock bottom? Or have I just hit a new level of insanity?

Maybe it's just that I've come to terms with the fact that I've become everything that I feared when I was in high school? Sure things could get a lot lot worse.

Maybe it's been a good thing that I've sunken down and experienced a lot of the things that scared me shitless as a kid? I mean I was audibly laughing the other day in the cereal aisle of mijiers because I was realizing that pretty much everything my parents got me to believe was utter bull shit. If I decided to eat Lucky Charms merely because St. Patrick's day was coming up, over the healthy cereal I WOULDN'T be unhealthy and instantly die or be wasting money. That doing good in school and caring about school doesn't mean that I would do good in college. That being nice to others doesn't mean that they will feel any need to be nice to me (not that I'm suggesting that everyone should be an ass to everyone else. I'm just saying there are a LOT of ass holes out there).

I'm glad that I realized at an early age porn is not this evil thing that rots you out from the inside. That drinking a case of diet coke a week isn't going to instantly kill you (maybe cause some problems down the road but not instant effects.) I'm glad that I finally realized that there is nothing wrong with being single. That there is nothing wrong with not thinking that blond big breasted girls are the most attractive thing out there but instead thinking that the smart, small chested girl with the glasses is much much sexier. That liking someone doesn't mean I have to instantly want to or have to sleep with them, that wanting to talk to them and know everything about them is NOT weird. That being able to laugh at your self is NOT a bad thing but a GOOD thing.

I guess I'm glad that I realized that it's ok to be weird, as long as you are truly having fun.

Blue eyes and dark hair is just the Higher Power's way of saying "SCREW YOU MR. MCGINNIS!"

Seriously yesterday was a bit of let down.

See there is this girl (it's always a dame at the root of problems it seems). She's a customer that comes in fairly regularly to my coffee shop. She always talks to me. She seems to find any and every excuse to talk to me. Dark hair, nice small frame, seems pretty intelligent, and these stark blue eyes that just make me melt. Wonderful, eh?

I thought so. So yesterday I mention that I would really love to hang out with her and chit chat in length in a place where I wasn't all sweaty reeking of coffee and where I didn't have to run away every five minutes to help a customer then I give her my number. About 10 minutes later she comes back to the bar and hands me a piece of paper with her number saying "I realized I hadn't given you my number." So this the part where I supposed to celebrate right?

While handling another group of customers I decide to up the ante. I decided to see if she would like to take a break from her studying when I got off of work to go have something to eat, my treat, nothing fancy just a chance to chat. But...before I can get to her I see her put her coat on and starting packing up her stuff. As she leaving she waves me good bye and says "I've been summoned...the boyfriend is hungry."

And my heart sinks. That one word I keep hearing that fills me with dread, "boyfriend".

So I come back to the beginning my my post, blue eyes and dark hair is just the Higher Power's way of saying "SCREW YOU MR. MCGINNIS!" Genetic rarities are better then hallmark cards any day.

For some reason I think the weberverse is mad at me. Oh well.

It's been an interesting few weeks. I finally got all of that photo gear I've been talking about. So I've been going between "woo I have some new gear and a new creative outlet" and "oh my god what the fuck have I gotten myself into? I suck at this" In the meanwhile I've been out trying to take pretty pictures to find a middle ground between those two but the Michigan weather hasn't really been cooperating and I've been struggling to find interesting things to photograph.

I mean there is ObeyPabst but I think his time would be better spent in the company of some nice ladies. I would take pictures of that rowdy bunch Tiggle and xZombieprincessx but there's that pesky ocean. Not to mention Valkyrie who is on the other side of the world

Other then that not much has been happening. I'm off to go get some food in me. I promise to post some pictures when I take some I like.

I know the whole spiteful blog entery on valentine's day thing is kind of cliché but I just had to share this.

Thank you wired for screwing me over once again on valentine's day.

I logged on this morning to do my usual email, comics, SG check and somewhere along the way I clicked on the
following story just for shits and giggles. The problem was about the time I reached Step 1 and picture with the girl in the red shirt it hit me...I've read this article before...last valentines's day...where I was single and I'm still single.

A cute girl customer talked to me at work today. It was awesome.

It's fucking cold out and I want to go mountain biking. I mean usually I'm pretty cool with the cold but I really want to go riding in the dirt. My rides have become a kind of therapy for me. Three or four hours alone in the woods with nothing but an ipod and my bike always makes me feel better or at least too tired to beat up on myself.

I'm really on the fence about spending a metric buttload of money on some camera gear. It's a square off between common sense, self doubt, and the urge to explore and be creative. I mean it's not like I'm thinking of becoming the next SG photographer or turning professional. I'm just hoping to do something like what Ink Suicide and Malloreigh Suicide have done. A kind of chronicling of their lives.

Other then that things have just been about the same.

I'm reinstalling everything on both of my computers and it is really damn boring, but hey I've been meaning to clean out my computer for awhile now.

Other then that nothing really exciting has been happening around here.

I think the screen on my Powerbook might be going. Maybe it's time to upgrade. Those MacBook Airs look kind of cool.

Because I promised XzombieprincessX that I would update today and lets face it, it has been a while since my last update.

First the relationship search front:
So yes that girl from the last post. Never called me back, I haven't seen her since. Oh, well...frankly I don't think I even care anymore.

Of course there was a new girl. This one girl at my work who at first I thought was in that I-just-got-out-of-my-parents-house-and-I'm-going-to-go-crazy-and-do-stupid-shit stage, then I talked to her more and found out we have very similar music tastes and so on. I kind of had a crush on her, but wasn't really sure how I felt about asking out someone I work with.

While fighting with this dilemma I get a call one Monday morning from my boss. She tells me that "someone" told her that I had asked this girl out and that she had turned me down. That while there is no rule against co-workers dating she doesn't approve of it. I of course told her the truth that I hadn't asked her out that someone had obviously imagined things, in the nicest way of course. She said something else in that conversation but I will talk about that later in this post.

So after my initial "I'm so screwed and probably fired" freak out and depressed funk (yay for bourbon?) I just accepted that things were probably going to be ok. I also just found out a few days ago that it was the girl I had a crush that imagined me asking her out. Which was probably her remembering me asking if she would like to hangout (with no romantic intentions just as friends since I didn't have a crush on her then) a few weeks before.

The result? I guess I'm back to square one.


On to the depression front:
Things have have continued to degrade for me. My home life is pretty shitty as my parents are divorcing without actually having the guts to actually get divorced. My mother has finally realized that "oh shit I probably should start looking for a job" and my Dad is going further and further in debt having to pay the bills she used to pay.

All of this has translated into causing my Dad, who was once one of the strongest forces helping me fight my depression, to become a negative force causing it to become worse. It's like he has given up and now just blames me for my depression because there has to be someone to blame. I'm tired of being called names like "depressie" and "downer boy". I'm tired of being told "you should just think positively and that will fix your problems" or "you should join a club or something". You mean like oh say a mountain bike club or hey how about a homebrewing club...oh wait I guess those don't count for some reason.

My doctor and I are trying yet another new combination of drugs (wellbutron and lexapro).

As for the other part of that phone call from my boss I mentioned above. My boss also mentioned that someone told her that I "seemed kind of depressed and it made her uncomfortable". Given I was nice about it and apologized but frankly I was kind of pissed. I mean I'm pretty damn upbeat at work since I really do like my job and am very happy there. What was worse that someone's first reaction to seeing someone feeling down is to complain that it makes them uncomfortable. Oh well I guess people are really just turning into scum in this town after all.


On to more positive stuff:
The english rock my world. I have become addicted to english magazines on mountain biking and photography because they are just so much better. They actually write stuff about the subject of the magazine! This amazes me to no end.


On a whole other topic:
I have been fighting with a big dilemma since before Christmas (which was kind of crappy all around). I want to get back into photography. I have a list of the gear I want well researched out and have a somewhat reasonable way to pay for it (keyword is somewhat) but I keep questioning if I should.

I mean it is a big chunk of cash but it has been something I've been meaning to get back into. I guess my fear is that I'm not good enough to be a decent photographer. I think it would be helpful if I had someone with a fair amount of knowledge to help me out as I progressed. Since the last time I took a go at taking photos I thought my Dad, who was really into photograph in his youth, would help me and didn't.

Other then that things have been marching forward. I'm back in school (in one class at least, fucking EMU). I'm not sure how that is going actually, I've gotten bad vibes and good vibes, but I'm trying.

Thanks again to XzombieprincessX for being a sweetie pie and checking in to see if everything was going alright.