It's 2:16am and I really want someone to be filthy with right now. No one really around, digitally or otherwise.
Lame.
Lame.
Can't really talk about it on Facebook because I'm friends with co-workers and it wouldn't be proper, but:
Just got a 19% raise today. Lead Producer at my studio.
Just got a 19% raise today. Lead Producer at my studio.
One of the things that I really struggle with, being a lead producer, having a lot of responsibility at work, and being boss to people, is keeping respect for those who don't work very hard, or don't work very considerately.
I'm ultimately responsible for the work my employees do. If they don't do it, I'm the one who immediately suffers. I have to explain why it didn't get done. The games are my responsibility, not theirs. Eventually the blame might settle on them, but it has to pass through me first. And very often I will do my best to shield my employees with legitimate (or not so legitimate) reasons as to why their work didn't get done; they've had a rough week, they're burned out, they didn't get the help they needed, etc. I don't want my employees to get the blame if I can avoid it.
But for some of them, there IS no good reason.
I have a roommate who works for a very large and very famous tech company, and very often, she just doesn't get her work done. She misses deadlines, she doesn't work full days, she turns in incomplete projects, etc. I have another roommate who works for MY company, who just... doesn't work that hard.
Once upon a time, when I wasn't responsible for things at my job and I didn't really care, I wouldn't have cared about this at all. But now that I have responsibility, and I see this happening, I just... lose respect for these people.
And once I lose respect for someone, I start liking them less.
I'm ultimately responsible for the work my employees do. If they don't do it, I'm the one who immediately suffers. I have to explain why it didn't get done. The games are my responsibility, not theirs. Eventually the blame might settle on them, but it has to pass through me first. And very often I will do my best to shield my employees with legitimate (or not so legitimate) reasons as to why their work didn't get done; they've had a rough week, they're burned out, they didn't get the help they needed, etc. I don't want my employees to get the blame if I can avoid it.
But for some of them, there IS no good reason.
I have a roommate who works for a very large and very famous tech company, and very often, she just doesn't get her work done. She misses deadlines, she doesn't work full days, she turns in incomplete projects, etc. I have another roommate who works for MY company, who just... doesn't work that hard.
Once upon a time, when I wasn't responsible for things at my job and I didn't really care, I wouldn't have cared about this at all. But now that I have responsibility, and I see this happening, I just... lose respect for these people.
And once I lose respect for someone, I start liking them less.
Been seeing a new girl... and it's been going really well. Last week she came over and we watched a movie and made out for a while. One of the best kissers I've ever had the privilege of kissing. She's aggressive, which is great!
Cut to tonight. She comes over to "watch another movie," and we don't even start it before we're making out. Move to the bed, more making out. I kiss down her neck and onto her chest and quip that her sweater is in my way, and she stops me to talk for a sec. No big deal, it's our first time, I was kind of expecting that.
Then she tells me that she's not very experienced, and this is her first time.
Jace, meet performance issues. Performance issues, meet Jace. You guys are going to be best buddies.
I just couldn't shake it. Even though everything was going GREAT, as soon as the condom went on, it was like... nope. Soft. I'm really into this girl and I think she's gorgeous, but the combination of OUR first time plus it being her first time EVER was just... it fucked with my mojo!
Pretty embarrassing. We finally ended up fucking, but she had to be on top, because it had to be THAT QUICK from her getting me hard with oral. It was like... hard, condom, SIT ON IT. Otherwise I would lose it.
I occasionally have issues with condoms. I haven't used them very much; most of the sex I've had has been in committed relationships, where we didn't use them after a while. The whole intermission to get the condom out, put it on, and then go back to it makes me go soft from time to time. I usually find a way to deal, but tonight was awful. We went through three condoms before we finally ended up fucking, and she got me so close from oral with no in-between that I didn't last but a few minutes inside her.
Bleh. Yay for sex, bleh for... THAT. Whatever THAT was.
I'm pretty sure there will be an encore, so hopefully my headspace will be better for that.
Cut to tonight. She comes over to "watch another movie," and we don't even start it before we're making out. Move to the bed, more making out. I kiss down her neck and onto her chest and quip that her sweater is in my way, and she stops me to talk for a sec. No big deal, it's our first time, I was kind of expecting that.
Then she tells me that she's not very experienced, and this is her first time.
Jace, meet performance issues. Performance issues, meet Jace. You guys are going to be best buddies.
I just couldn't shake it. Even though everything was going GREAT, as soon as the condom went on, it was like... nope. Soft. I'm really into this girl and I think she's gorgeous, but the combination of OUR first time plus it being her first time EVER was just... it fucked with my mojo!
Pretty embarrassing. We finally ended up fucking, but she had to be on top, because it had to be THAT QUICK from her getting me hard with oral. It was like... hard, condom, SIT ON IT. Otherwise I would lose it.
I occasionally have issues with condoms. I haven't used them very much; most of the sex I've had has been in committed relationships, where we didn't use them after a while. The whole intermission to get the condom out, put it on, and then go back to it makes me go soft from time to time. I usually find a way to deal, but tonight was awful. We went through three condoms before we finally ended up fucking, and she got me so close from oral with no in-between that I didn't last but a few minutes inside her.
Bleh. Yay for sex, bleh for... THAT. Whatever THAT was.
I'm pretty sure there will be an encore, so hopefully my headspace will be better for that.
It's really not healthy how lonely I get, or how attached to people I get...
All of a sudden I'm getting a lot of girl attention. Had two friends suddenly show an interest in me, plus the casually dating thing. It's fun and great, but I haven't "gone home" with anyone yet, and I get very lonely at night. Like, almost in tears lonely.
And if I don't hear back from these people right away? My mind starts playing all sorts of tricks on me, wondering if they don't really like me, if they're talking to someone else...
My self-confidence and self-assuredness really took a blow after my last relationship, and I'm having trouble building them back up again. I know it's nonsense and I know the things I'm thinking and feeling aren't real; they don't have substance, they aren't based in reality but rather in my own insecurities; but damnit if they don't make me miserable.
All of a sudden I'm getting a lot of girl attention. Had two friends suddenly show an interest in me, plus the casually dating thing. It's fun and great, but I haven't "gone home" with anyone yet, and I get very lonely at night. Like, almost in tears lonely.
And if I don't hear back from these people right away? My mind starts playing all sorts of tricks on me, wondering if they don't really like me, if they're talking to someone else...
My self-confidence and self-assuredness really took a blow after my last relationship, and I'm having trouble building them back up again. I know it's nonsense and I know the things I'm thinking and feeling aren't real; they don't have substance, they aren't based in reality but rather in my own insecurities; but damnit if they don't make me miserable.
Well, this month has certainly been interesting.
I've severed all ties with my ex. We spent time together at PAX (and hooked up a lot), and it was great, but things just disintegrated so quickly afterwards it was almost funny. Old patterns started emerging even at PAX, and definitely afterwards, and I knew that I needed to distance myself again. Two weeks after PAX she started seeing someone else; someone close to me, who I had specifically asked if she had any interest in, and then (when she said no), asked her not to mess around with because it would be emotionally difficult for me. He's a good friend, we're close, etc. I don't feel like I was wrong in asking that, AND she agreed to it without raising any objections.
And then come to find out, they're "dating."
So yeah. I told her exactly how I felt about that, and her, and our relationship, and then severed all ties. No Facebook, no phone, no Twitter, etc. E-mailed her to get her mom to send me some stuff of mine (dress shoes, sweaters, etc. I left at her house), and that's it. I'm done.
To think: two weeks ago she was throwing out stuff like, "I think we're going to be together forever. I think I'm going to marry you." I guess I should view THAT as a big red flag in and of itself.
Onto happier pastures...
Good first date with someone new yesterday. I had been on Ok Cupid since we "broke up" 2-3 months ago, and this was the first date to come out of that. It was good! She's nerdy, but not my particular flavor of nerdy. We talked Lord of the Rings for a good hour. We live in the same neighborhood so we took the same bus homeward, and she got off first. Before I even got to the next stop I got the, "That was fun; we should do it again" text. Note the semi-colon. I think I like her.
A second date with a different girl on Monday. Looking forward to that. We're meeting at my favorite coffee place.
AND, there's something really exciting happening on the 25th. Kinky stuff, so it's in the spoiler:
I've severed all ties with my ex. We spent time together at PAX (and hooked up a lot), and it was great, but things just disintegrated so quickly afterwards it was almost funny. Old patterns started emerging even at PAX, and definitely afterwards, and I knew that I needed to distance myself again. Two weeks after PAX she started seeing someone else; someone close to me, who I had specifically asked if she had any interest in, and then (when she said no), asked her not to mess around with because it would be emotionally difficult for me. He's a good friend, we're close, etc. I don't feel like I was wrong in asking that, AND she agreed to it without raising any objections.
And then come to find out, they're "dating."
So yeah. I told her exactly how I felt about that, and her, and our relationship, and then severed all ties. No Facebook, no phone, no Twitter, etc. E-mailed her to get her mom to send me some stuff of mine (dress shoes, sweaters, etc. I left at her house), and that's it. I'm done.
To think: two weeks ago she was throwing out stuff like, "I think we're going to be together forever. I think I'm going to marry you." I guess I should view THAT as a big red flag in and of itself.
Onto happier pastures...
Good first date with someone new yesterday. I had been on Ok Cupid since we "broke up" 2-3 months ago, and this was the first date to come out of that. It was good! She's nerdy, but not my particular flavor of nerdy. We talked Lord of the Rings for a good hour. We live in the same neighborhood so we took the same bus homeward, and she got off first. Before I even got to the next stop I got the, "That was fun; we should do it again" text. Note the semi-colon. I think I like her.
A second date with a different girl on Monday. Looking forward to that. We're meeting at my favorite coffee place.
AND, there's something really exciting happening on the 25th. Kinky stuff, so it's in the spoiler:
On top of all that, my best friend is coming to visit on the 20th. We've been friends since high school. He's the person who got me into philosophy, and pinball, and Man or Astro-Man?, and metal, and really quite a bit of what makes me the person I am today. He's one of the best people I've ever met. He's forthright, handsome, hard working, intelligent, and amazing. He's coming to visit, and I couldn't be happier. We're going to go to the SF Museum of Modern Art, get iPhone 5s together, go to a fucking pinball convention (how awesome is that?), and play a lot of Halo. It's going to be bromance to the MAX.
So yeah. September is a mixed month, but definitely a net positive. I'm looking forward to the rest of it, and what comes after.
Nothing like turning a girl down for sex and having her pick your boss as her second choice to make you feel better. Kinda disappointing, though. She had a pierced tongue and dermal anchors and she looked like she'd be a LOT of fun.
And she was Canadian (ahem, khoos).
Maybe next PAX.
Nice that the reason I turned her down was because I was already getting lots of really good sex during PAX. That's always a plus.
Life's looking up.
And she was Canadian (ahem, khoos).
Maybe next PAX.
Nice that the reason I turned her down was because I was already getting lots of really good sex during PAX. That's always a plus.
Life's looking up.
