How long does it take to get over this stuff? I'm sick of feeling that sinking feeling in my gut all the time.
So, after dating a girl with small boobs for 10 months, I've decided my next girl needs to have big boobs. I've had big, I've had small, I've had areas in between, and I like big.
And a nice ass.
And a nice ass.
On top of the whole thing with my girlfriend, or ex girlfriend I suppose, which is still a major source of emotional confusion and turmoil for me, my grandmother died today.
I got to watch them try and revive her with CPR in the ICU of the hospital. I got to watch my mom touch her after she was dead, and cry about not having a mother anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye.
Driving home from spending several hours at the hospital, taking care of my hysterical mother and stoned-out-of-her-mind sister, I didn't stop my car the way I usually do. I've always taken pride in being a smooth, skilled driver. I treat every stoplight like there's someone else in the car, and come to the most gradual, natural, smooth stop I can, even by myself. Driving home, I braked hard at every light. I jerked myself against my seatbelt with every application of the brake pedal. Trying to be gentle seemed ridiculous, and trivial.
I saw billboards on my way home, for everything from jackpots to strippers to milk. None of it seemed to matter.
I hadn't eaten since early this morning, and I was hungry, but I had no desire to eat.
I had brief fantasies about plowing my car into a telephone pole,or driving it off a bridge. I'm not suicidal, or anything, but watching someone die calls into question the validity and merit of staying alive. Camus was right to describe life as "absurd." It feels that way for me, right now. Being alive right now is so thoroughly polarizing.
The one thing I really crave right now, in the emotionally vulnerable state I'm in, is to be held and loved by someone. And the person I want that from the most isn't around to give that to me.
I got to watch them try and revive her with CPR in the ICU of the hospital. I got to watch my mom touch her after she was dead, and cry about not having a mother anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye.
Driving home from spending several hours at the hospital, taking care of my hysterical mother and stoned-out-of-her-mind sister, I didn't stop my car the way I usually do. I've always taken pride in being a smooth, skilled driver. I treat every stoplight like there's someone else in the car, and come to the most gradual, natural, smooth stop I can, even by myself. Driving home, I braked hard at every light. I jerked myself against my seatbelt with every application of the brake pedal. Trying to be gentle seemed ridiculous, and trivial.
I saw billboards on my way home, for everything from jackpots to strippers to milk. None of it seemed to matter.
I hadn't eaten since early this morning, and I was hungry, but I had no desire to eat.
I had brief fantasies about plowing my car into a telephone pole,or driving it off a bridge. I'm not suicidal, or anything, but watching someone die calls into question the validity and merit of staying alive. Camus was right to describe life as "absurd." It feels that way for me, right now. Being alive right now is so thoroughly polarizing.
The one thing I really crave right now, in the emotionally vulnerable state I'm in, is to be held and loved by someone. And the person I want that from the most isn't around to give that to me.
This most recent episode with the girl has really been eye opening for me.
I've had a single serious relationship and a series of not-so-serious ones in my life. The serious one lasted 3.5 years, 2.5 of which we lived together. By the end of it neither one of us was happy with the situation or with the other person, and the decision to end it was completely mutual. The not-so-serious ones were either too brief to really call relationships, or I ended them for some reason.
So, one of the things that this brought to light a few things. One, I've never been dumped. I've either done the dumping or it's been mutual. Two, I've never really "dated" a girl for very long. I tend to fall hard for people, and I either attract people who have the same habits or I inspire those habits in people, because I tend to get myself into relationships quickly. I've never had one of those situations where you're "seeing someone" for an extended period of time, like months. I'm either not interested in the person and I move on, or I'm interested in the person and after a few weeks we're seeing each other every day.
I don't think this is good. My mother has the same problem, and it's affected her life in some pretty major ways. She's uprooted and moved to be with people she's only known for a few months. I'd never be so impulsive or stupid, but I can see myself beginning to mirror that behavior.
So I think my next "thing" with a girl, I'm going to do my very best to keep it casual. I only want to "date" right now. I don't want to see someone seriously, or get into another exclusive relationship, until I've really stepped back and taken a good look at the situation. Falling so quickly into something so serious has some weird side effects. It's hard to judge things when you're head over heels for someone. I think I really need to work on keeping my distance and establishing healthy boundaries, in the interest of learning something about myself and my heart.
In the meantime, though, I sure would like to fuck someone.
I've had a single serious relationship and a series of not-so-serious ones in my life. The serious one lasted 3.5 years, 2.5 of which we lived together. By the end of it neither one of us was happy with the situation or with the other person, and the decision to end it was completely mutual. The not-so-serious ones were either too brief to really call relationships, or I ended them for some reason.
So, one of the things that this brought to light a few things. One, I've never been dumped. I've either done the dumping or it's been mutual. Two, I've never really "dated" a girl for very long. I tend to fall hard for people, and I either attract people who have the same habits or I inspire those habits in people, because I tend to get myself into relationships quickly. I've never had one of those situations where you're "seeing someone" for an extended period of time, like months. I'm either not interested in the person and I move on, or I'm interested in the person and after a few weeks we're seeing each other every day.
I don't think this is good. My mother has the same problem, and it's affected her life in some pretty major ways. She's uprooted and moved to be with people she's only known for a few months. I'd never be so impulsive or stupid, but I can see myself beginning to mirror that behavior.
So I think my next "thing" with a girl, I'm going to do my very best to keep it casual. I only want to "date" right now. I don't want to see someone seriously, or get into another exclusive relationship, until I've really stepped back and taken a good look at the situation. Falling so quickly into something so serious has some weird side effects. It's hard to judge things when you're head over heels for someone. I think I really need to work on keeping my distance and establishing healthy boundaries, in the interest of learning something about myself and my heart.
In the meantime, though, I sure would like to fuck someone.
YAY!
So, in light of what happened recently, I suddenly felt the need to reconnect with a dear friend of mine. We actually met on AOL back when we were both like... 16. But we got really close, as close as you can get that way I guess, and we've actually remained really close. We don't talk often, but when we do, we fall right back into one another. She's a wonderful, charismatic, gorgeous, loveable girl, and I would be so, so sad if I didn't get to talk to her anymore.
She made me feel so much better, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life, in whatever fashion I do.
Yay for friends.
So, in light of what happened recently, I suddenly felt the need to reconnect with a dear friend of mine. We actually met on AOL back when we were both like... 16. But we got really close, as close as you can get that way I guess, and we've actually remained really close. We don't talk often, but when we do, we fall right back into one another. She's a wonderful, charismatic, gorgeous, loveable girl, and I would be so, so sad if I didn't get to talk to her anymore.
She made me feel so much better, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life, in whatever fashion I do.
Yay for friends.
It's really hard when you didn't do anything wrong, but the person you love chooses someone else over you. It's getting easier to deal with as time goes on, but I'm still losing sleep over it.
Bleh.
Bleh.
Ex-girlfriend is now driving to LA with her new guy for the weekend. Did I mention they're co-workers?
Did I also mention that this new guy is her roomate's boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend, I guess)?
Did I also mention that my ex is the one who set them up a few months ago?
Excuse me while I spend the whole weekend drunk.
Did I also mention that this new guy is her roomate's boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend, I guess)?
Did I also mention that my ex is the one who set them up a few months ago?
Excuse me while I spend the whole weekend drunk.
Oh, awesome. I love being cheated on. This just keeps getting better. Thanks for leaving yourself logged into Google Voice so I could accidentally see those text messages where he called you "babe" and you said it would be hard to not see him for two days. I was trying to save on text messaging by setting up the Google Voice app, and instead I got that.
Well, at least now I'm the good person.
Well, at least now I'm the good person.
Beh. My girl situation is starting to wear on me. We agreed that we didn't want to stop seeing each other, but that we'd spend less time together because we were spending too much. And a few times, it worked out great.
But for two straight days now my girl has said that she wanted to see me, and then when we get together, it doesn't go anywhere. Yesterday we went over to a friend's party and she was really excited to see me, all touchy and physical, and then she falls asleep while we play Rock Band and goes home to her house at 11:30.
Today she calls me at like noon and says she wants to see me, then doesn't come over until 8:00, then has to leave at 9:00 to get ready to go out dancing.
I don't think she's doing it intentionally, but... fail. Seriously. So annoyed right now.
But for two straight days now my girl has said that she wanted to see me, and then when we get together, it doesn't go anywhere. Yesterday we went over to a friend's party and she was really excited to see me, all touchy and physical, and then she falls asleep while we play Rock Band and goes home to her house at 11:30.
Today she calls me at like noon and says she wants to see me, then doesn't come over until 8:00, then has to leave at 9:00 to get ready to go out dancing.
I don't think she's doing it intentionally, but... fail. Seriously. So annoyed right now.
Odd or peculiar things that I find incredibly sexy about women:
1) When a girl's breasts are big enough (for her frame) so that her bra strap stays taut and goes from her shoulder to the cup and leaves a little bit of air between it and her chest.
2) The line on the outside of a girl's breast that makes up the border of her armpit, especially when she raises her arms up above her head.
3) The line of a woman's last set of ribs, just above her tummy and abs, especially when she arcs her back.
4) The little mound just above a girl's clit.
5) The area of a girl's neck just behind her earlobe (for kissing).
6) Big, dark eyes looking up or off to the side.
7) When a girl's mouth is partially open and you can just barely see her teeth.
8) Shoulderblades.
9) The part on the back of a girl's neck where her hair just starts to grow, especially if I'm running my fingernails up and into her hair.
10) The back of a girl's thigh, right where it reaches her knee and you can see the muscles and tendons under the skin move when she moves.
1) When a girl's breasts are big enough (for her frame) so that her bra strap stays taut and goes from her shoulder to the cup and leaves a little bit of air between it and her chest.
2) The line on the outside of a girl's breast that makes up the border of her armpit, especially when she raises her arms up above her head.
3) The line of a woman's last set of ribs, just above her tummy and abs, especially when she arcs her back.
4) The little mound just above a girl's clit.
5) The area of a girl's neck just behind her earlobe (for kissing).
6) Big, dark eyes looking up or off to the side.
7) When a girl's mouth is partially open and you can just barely see her teeth.
8) Shoulderblades.
9) The part on the back of a girl's neck where her hair just starts to grow, especially if I'm running my fingernails up and into her hair.
10) The back of a girl's thigh, right where it reaches her knee and you can see the muscles and tendons under the skin move when she moves.
