WARNING !! This post is extremely dark and depressive.

I posted this in the Depression Outlet group, but wanted it here also. This is the first time I have put my feelings in writing.

Why is suicide considered a selfish crime? The two words I do not understand in that statement is "selfish" and "crime". I am spent my entire life (40 years) majorly depressed. Just the past couple of years I have spent almost $200,000 in Therapy, Psychiatrist, medicine and Psychiatric Hospitals and that is not counting what insurance has paid. I hate my life and everything about me, so someone PLEASE explain to me why I have to live or I am considered "selfish".

The only reason I don't kill myself anyhow is because of my mom (her only child), my wife (she does not work or have an income) and my three dogs. I do not want to even think what would happen to my dogs if I was not there paying the bills. A few years ago I took out a 1.5 million dollar life insurance against me for my wife and dogs. There is one Major problem, insurance does not pay for suicide deaths. So I am left hoping and praying I will somehow die naturally or by accident. I smoke cigars (tried cigarettes but they taste like Shit), eat horribly unhealthy and drink straight hard liquor like it is water. Yet I am cursed being healthy. Last year there was a chance I had cancer and I was like, Awesome a graceful way out. It was benign, so I spent thousands of dollars and got cut up in surgery for nothing.

What I do not get is every day people are murdered or in horrible accidents or die of incurable diseases, and these people are happy and want to live. I don't and I have to live. I could walk in front of a speeding train right now and I would live. I would be in pain and crippled, but alive.

I have done extensive research on the best was to commit suicide. By far the easiest is to take my Glock .357 SIG and put it in my mouth and blow my Brian Stem to pieces. Suppose to be instantaneous. Two years ago I had to give my gun to my parents. There are numerous recipes on the Internet on how to make cyanide from household chemicals, but if you mess up you will be deathly sick, but alive. Then there is Carbon Monoxide poisoning, but I am never home alone long enough to complete this successfully. The other ideas involve to much pain. In high school I took an entire box of sleeping pills with a case of beer. That would have worked and it came so close, but I was an IDIOT. I took them sitting in front of an ex-girlfriends house. No, nobody will find me there. Dugh, IDIOT. I had my stomach pumped and if you have never had the pleasure of that experience, let me tell you. It hurts like HELL.

So I spend each and every day biding my time and trying to fake enough happiness that I do not hurt the very few people that actually care about me. I can only hope and pray that God will send his Angel of Death to me soon. I am ready to face him face to face.

I am sorry if this is very morbid, but this is the only place I can post the truth with the wrong people seeing it or others judging me. Believe it or not, this is a lot lighter and happier then it started out being.