I had a bit of a scare recently involving my health. I’ve been having these really intense headaches which by themselves are bad enough but still not particularly worthy of alarm. It was the bright pulsating patterns that appeared in my vision, nausea, nosebleeds and short term blindness and memory loss that got me a little worried. All these things considered, I was still scared like hell to go to the doctor because of the “worst case scenario” I’d worked up in my mind. I also have a phobia of doctors so I resisted going for a couple of weeks while I went back and forth in my mind over the severity of it all. It was really an hourly battle as I would be optimistic for one moment and then my sense of dread would come creeping up on me the in the next. Needless to say, my mood has been shit of late. It didn’t help matters either that I’ve been fighting this super-flu/cold/hanta virus or whatever the hell it is since the weekend after Thanksgiving.

So the other day I finally broke down and made a doctor’s appointment. What I found out was that I have a not altogether uncommon variety of migraine headache called migraine aura or some such. Most of what he said after that I didn’t catch because of how un-freakin-believably relieved I was, and what little of it I did hear went over my head anyway, but basically I get the migraine and if that weren’t enough a brain full of faulty wiring causes the color patterns. What’s more is that this type of migraine is exacerbated by stress which I’ve had more than my fair share of lately. Even worse than that was the anxiety which this caused fed into the worry I was already experiencing creating a wicked vicious cycle. The nosebleeds as it turns out are a symptom of the sinus infection that I have from the flu. The memory loss, near as I can tell stems from the fact that I never have anything interesting to say and my brain just gets bored and turns off mid-sentence like a DVD player that shuts off when it's been left on pause for too long.

The important part that I was listening for was that it wasn’t brain cancer. The diagnosis I got seemed to pretty much wrap it up, thankfully. I knew that migraines ran in my family, in fact I’d had them before. But never even remotely like this, which was the cause for a great deal of my worry. No, I’m just fortunate enough to be a part of the 4% or whatever of migraine sufferers that have this shit. Just my rotten luck. I've never been so happy to have such shitty luck.

Anyway, during this time I realized that I’ve kind of been relying on and investing entirely too much time in this site, which I guess is pretty symptomatic of any depressed individual. I kind of noticed that my internet persona and my real life one weren't exactly consistent with one another, that only the sense of desperation and assholishness came across. The desperation was entirely new, the asshole part being intrinsic to my nature. So now as I sit back with a clear head and a new perspective, I realize that most of the time I have spent here has been either under the auspices of being a dick or utterly fucking pathetic. Poor timing in joining on, I guess. If I owe anyone an apology on either account (not that anyone I do owe an apology to would actually be reading right now), believe me when I say that you have it. I’m a big proponent of personal responsibility and don’t believe in copping-out no matter what the excuse so you can imagine my embarrassment. The good in this is that at least I know what to put down for my Most Humbling Moment. I think I’m looking at it.

I think I’ve been long-winded for quite long enough, I just had to get it off my shoulders. You’d be amazed at how elated you get when you find out that you don’t have a brain tumor that’s going to rob you of your sight or worse still, KILL you. I’m going to take some time away now to revel in that sensation until things return to normal, because it's become evident to me that up until this point I haven't really done a very good job of enjoying life. I just sort of let it happen to me.

In closing, I hope anyone who's had the patience to read this far has a happy and safe holiday.

As Ever,
R. Valco