You're so vain~
Happiness is:-
Good friends.
Good friends who play and sing.
And get the words to Don't Look Back In Anger wrong.
It is also
- Music that makes you wish you were back in the desert (Flames Go Highter by Eagles of Death Metal), music that makes you wish you were in Tokyo (Just Like Honey by The Jesus and Mary Chain) and music that makes you want to DANCE! (Beat Control by Tilly and The Wall)
- Getting your welcome pack for University and realising with a BANG that you're going to a student again and that it's all so exciting and mind blowing that all you can do for the next hour is jump around screeching in a weird sounding voice and then ringing your friends to screech at them in the same sort of voice. Seriously. Welcome events and enrolments and freshers fairs and student union activities OH MY! And that's all BEFORE I pick up my camera and start my actual course.
I am going to be a POSTGRADUATE student of PHOTOGRAPHY. It's only just starting to sink in. And I have no idea if I'm more excited or more scared. A bit of both probably. From September onwards my life is going to be so busy and also so different. In one way I can't wait to find out what sort of life it's going to be and what sort of person it's going to make me...and where it's going to take me.
And in another way I want to hide under my duvet. It's so terrifying.
Comedian, student of Photography, purveyor of fine curtains (they just got delivered for my room, which is still in the throws of being decorated) and owner of a pink car stereo.
I would never have seen this coming 6 months ago.
Funny old world, no?
In other news:
- Had a gig on Wednesday. It was lovely. I think I was a bit funny too. So thats good. I love getting the chance to be a numpty onstage.
- Saw The Wizard of Oz musical on the South Bank the other day. It was magical. I spent £55 on Wizard of Oz goodies too, including a cuddly Tin Man and a replica of the ticking heart he gets given. YAY! Both of which I want tattooed on me, incidentally.
- Pimms is nice.
'There is nothing stopping you/there is nothing me/so let that beat control your body baby'
Oh PS someone remind me to get my bottom down to the Tate Modern before the end of August for The Urban History of Photography exhibition. Might as well start getting my brain in gear for this course...
PPS ONE WEEK TIL HOLMADAYS!
Ladies. Gentlemen....
...The pimping has begun.
Next: Alloy wheels.
In other news - it is hot. It is sticky. It is unpleasant. It is the kind of hot where you have 45 things to do and you do approximately 3 of them before overheating like an old car engine, collapsing on the sofa and falling asleep for 3 hours, during which time you will thrash around like a mad thing because it is too hot even when asleep, and when you wake up, you find that you are hotter than you were before, the vest top you are wearing in order to try to stay cool is twisted attractively round your head, and you are only wearing one earring, having inadvertently swallowed the other one.
Oh, and it's so hot that you develop an impossibly large pimple in a place that is too small to accomodate said pimple, such as the space where your nostril meets the rest of your face. And the pressure it puts on your entire head is such that all you can think about all day is how you would quite like to burn your face off, using some kind of impressive soldering machine that is used for fusing metals together.
I do not like the heat. It makes me irrational and cranky. It turns me into the sort of person who stomps around in a rage for no reason, demanding that total strangers bring me glasses of juice.
And it is not even sunny! Bah.
Inky is happy though. And well fed.
Not much has been going on that is interesting or that I want to report.
Except to say that the rabbit I accumulated in a bid to help out my brother, who was moving into a pet-free flat, is a bastard. We bought her a really expensive, big run for the garden, so that she can frolick about and suchlike. She has started chewing it up for no reason. Bastard. So today I put in a giant plank of wood so that she could chew that instead.
I just found her, sitting defiantly on the plank of wood, resolutely chewing the side of the run.
I am going to make her into a stew later.
She's quite pretty though.
I was thinking earlier about how I am tall, blonde, 24, female, living in london, cute, etc etc. Maybe scratch the last one. But anyway, surely I should be spending my time in a suitably glamourous fashion, such as in a bar sipping cocktails and wearing pearls. Instead I am standing in my garden, yelling at an animal who does not care about anything I have to say.
But I do have a pink car stereo now. I am fly.
I would like to end today's entry with an inspirational quote by my hero (from today's Guardian Weekend magazine), Dizzee Rascal:
'If you are going to work, you may as well follow your heart, because nothing in life is easy, and if it's going to be hard, it might as well be what you really want.'
I heart him. And his delightful collection of Air Force Ones.
Rawk.
...The pimping has begun.
Next: Alloy wheels.
In other news - it is hot. It is sticky. It is unpleasant. It is the kind of hot where you have 45 things to do and you do approximately 3 of them before overheating like an old car engine, collapsing on the sofa and falling asleep for 3 hours, during which time you will thrash around like a mad thing because it is too hot even when asleep, and when you wake up, you find that you are hotter than you were before, the vest top you are wearing in order to try to stay cool is twisted attractively round your head, and you are only wearing one earring, having inadvertently swallowed the other one.
Oh, and it's so hot that you develop an impossibly large pimple in a place that is too small to accomodate said pimple, such as the space where your nostril meets the rest of your face. And the pressure it puts on your entire head is such that all you can think about all day is how you would quite like to burn your face off, using some kind of impressive soldering machine that is used for fusing metals together.
I do not like the heat. It makes me irrational and cranky. It turns me into the sort of person who stomps around in a rage for no reason, demanding that total strangers bring me glasses of juice.
And it is not even sunny! Bah.
Inky is happy though. And well fed.
Not much has been going on that is interesting or that I want to report.
Except to say that the rabbit I accumulated in a bid to help out my brother, who was moving into a pet-free flat, is a bastard. We bought her a really expensive, big run for the garden, so that she can frolick about and suchlike. She has started chewing it up for no reason. Bastard. So today I put in a giant plank of wood so that she could chew that instead.
I just found her, sitting defiantly on the plank of wood, resolutely chewing the side of the run.
I am going to make her into a stew later.
She's quite pretty though.
I was thinking earlier about how I am tall, blonde, 24, female, living in london, cute, etc etc. Maybe scratch the last one. But anyway, surely I should be spending my time in a suitably glamourous fashion, such as in a bar sipping cocktails and wearing pearls. Instead I am standing in my garden, yelling at an animal who does not care about anything I have to say.
But I do have a pink car stereo now. I am fly.
I would like to end today's entry with an inspirational quote by my hero (from today's Guardian Weekend magazine), Dizzee Rascal:
'If you are going to work, you may as well follow your heart, because nothing in life is easy, and if it's going to be hard, it might as well be what you really want.'
I heart him. And his delightful collection of Air Force Ones.
Rawk.
As you may have noticed, this is a picture of my leg.
It is also a picture of the onset of the lovely big bruise that is developing on my leg. I wish I had taken this photo an hour later, because now it looks even more impressive. In fact, it might be the most impressively purple thing I've ever seen.
So, on to what I wanted to tell you:
GO PAINTBALLING.
If what you most want out of life is
a.) to run through some woods screaming 'yippee kay-yay mother fuckers!' at the top of your voice.
b.) to be shot up like a bitch
c.) to spend the day watching a bunch of the chaviest chavs you have ever met unwittingly demonstrating that they i.) may have big mouths but this doesn't equal a big brain ii.) despite many claims to the contrary, have never had sex. (Myself, Sarah, Terry and Terry's friends just watched them in horror, especially towards the end, when they were intent on getting everyone killed)
SERIOUSLY, it's amazing. And it makes you feel like a MAN. Roawr. Even when you are quite patently not one (the high levels of testosterone flinging themselves about the place today meant that Sarah and I ended up a.) swaggering and b.) casually dropping the word 'knob' into general, everyday conversation more repeatedly and frequently as the day went on - we were the only girls in a group of 42. Oh yes.)
And f**k me, am I good with a gun. I shot someone in the CHEST, and they were behind a tree. I am a genius.
Here is the list of places I got shot:
- the leg. As you can see. Several times, actually.
- the arm
- the shoulder
- the head. Again, several times.
- right bang slap on my pubic bone. Niice.
- the back of the thigh. Oh yes ladies, the BACK of the thigh. And we're talking: any higher and it would have been a forrest gump situation. Whats impressive about this wound is that I got hit from the front. Work that one out.
- Most impressive of all - my chin. Right in the space between the top of my boiler suit (sexxxxy) and the bottom of my mask. That was either the most amazing shot ever or a fluke. I suspect it was the latter.
I did not, repeat, DID NOT, not in the entire 8 hours we were playing, get shot in the chest or back. Meaning: i did not get killed.
Yeah, I was surprised too.
And I really threw myself into it. I didn't think I was going to. I was terrified when we got there at 8am this morning (after Macdonalds, because you gotta). Especially after signing a form stating that if I should be blinded during the course of the day, it wasn't the fault of the paintball company (Duncan! I canne see!).
But it was great. I think I had something to prove, being one of the two only girls, and everything. All day, it was like 'girls, you look clean. Get into the game!' and when it happened for the third time I got so annoyed that I turned round and yelled at the marshall 'scuse me, I got shot in the thigh just now! And by the way, I'm a lot more covered in paint than most of these 40 men here!' And it was true.
I got to hide in a fort and lie on the floor in a trench. I sort of want to go to war now, actually.
Although, as Terry pointed out, in the army, you can't just put your hand up and walk off when you get shot.
The only downside was that towards the end of the day, all the stupid chavs we were playing with got more and more aggressive and trigger happy. I may have had a screaming fit in the middle of the forest at a bunch of them for shooting me seventeen times 30 seconds AFTER the final whistle blew. From behind a tree AND as I was walking away with my gun down. Cowards. I yelled at them. Then Terry yelled at them. And then their ultra intelligent respeonse was 'yeah, you want another one?'
I shot that guy in the face.
Obviously he was wearing his mask.
After that, the entire other team had it in for me a bit. And most of our own team were either acting like c**ts or pissed off with the ones acting like c**ts. So, when it came to the final game, where we all stood facing each other in a field and opened fire, most of our team was either 'not playing due to individual differences' (most of my group of friends) or acting like c**nts and hiding behind a.) me or b.) bushes, and the other team, well, all had it in for me.
And this is where I learned that I am officially HARD. Because I a.) did not hide behind a bush and b.) when I got pelted to death, (note: at a range of 10 metres, in open air, standing still, NONE of them managed to hit me in the chest) and by the way, those pellets HURT, I did not flinch.
I'm not proud of much I do in life, but I'm proud of that
Oh also, boys complain so much more than girls. Fact. All day it was 'my leg hurts' and 'uuuhhhhh, my gun's wobbly' or 'uuhhhhhhh, they shot me in the face and it stings'. Sarah and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes a lot.
Oh, also, my hair has orange highlights now.
You can't really see in these photos unfortunately, because my hair is the colour of straw anyway, but here's some post war photos:
Orangey hair, no make up, big dark circles. I would say they are because I was up at 5am, but really they are always there.
I rarely sleep.
Anyway, enough about my day of madness.
Oh except to say that I got offered a gig for tonight in Croydon today, but I was still warring when the message got left on my phone and by the time I called them back (which to be fair was only 15 minutes later) they'd already passed it on. Damn them. I really want more gigs. Like, really, really.
I wrote more jokes. I write a lot. I have a lot of inspiration. I don't know if they are funny but they are better than No Jokes.
They are about Ikea (there's a lot of jokes about Ikea but mine is original, I assure you), people thinking my tattoos aren't real (which contains the best and most disgusting line I've come up with all week) and one I have affectionately titled 'Wearing My Rolex'.
In other news:
- Yesterday I went to East Acton by mistake
- I have booked a tattoo appointment for next month with Valerie Vargus of Frith St Tattoo, I'm very excited, it's going to be quite big. It's also my first cover up, something I vowed I'd never do, but I guess circumstances change.
- I think I might have started to cultivate a wish to BE Dizzee Rascal.
- On Friday my Dad came round, got drunk and then proceeded to play Smarty Pants on my Wii for 3 hours. When he became convinced that the News of the World was the first ever British newspaper, it was time to stop.
- I have a library card now. I am rock and roll.
What have you done this weekend? And was it as painful as what I did?
Apparently all you have to do to get people interested in talking to you at a party is wield a packet of Lucky Strikes and mention you're a female Comedian. People dig that.
They probably wouldn't if they saw me on stage.
Comedy wise, the summer is looking barren as Edinburgh is next month and all the London gigs are either getting cancelled because everyone is in the beer garden, or full of Edinburgh preview shows. Having done 4 gigs, I am not going to Edinburgh. Not this year anyway. When I do, my one-woman show, as decided by me and my friend Kate, is going to simply be called 'Quantas'.
Because, come on, how funny is that word?
Anyway, I have a gig in Kensington on Monday and one in Chatham on Wednesday, and then Taunton the following week, which is ace because it's petrol-expenses paid AND I don't have to drive. Legend. I also got offered one in return for an hour of flyering which I turned down. Don't care how new I am, this girl doesn't do flyering.
Last night, I went to see John Hegley at The Cock Tavern in Kilburn - if you don't know who he is you need to look him up IMMEDIATELY. Very funny man. He read out a poem I wrote and now I can die happy. It didn't win the prize but it blatantly should have, as it got the biggest laugh. It was about my fish, who I killed with washing up liquid. True story. Bizzle.
I asked a very good friend of mine to design my tattoo sleeve, as it's about time I got the blanks filled in on my right arm. I'm having a little trouble persuading her as she doesn't think she's arty and also she says my arm looks nice as it is. I tried to explain to her that there's too much skin on show. Also, that tattoos are beautiful. We'll see how it goes. I certainly have no money at the moment so there isn't any rush. But, as I have a swallow, a cat and clovers on that arm already, I think it's going to be natural-themed.
The other arm has Inky the Pacman Ghost and pink stars, so I think that's going to be the technological arm.
Poor Inky is sunburnt at the moment
He looks very upset about it.
In photo news, I may have another two weddings in the pipeline, neither is confirmed yet though. Also, I did a 'skinhead' themed photoshoot with my friend Jo the other day. We caused a bit of a stir in the pub we were doing it in. Mostly positive although there were of course the odd morons who were convinced Jo must be a.) racist and b.) a man. Le sigh. I'm excited about the finished photos, but until my new laptop arrives, they will sadly not see the light of day.
I'm also thinking of holding my first ever Photography exhibition. It's a daunting prospect but I have the resources (hopefully) at my disposal, venue, the means to advertise etc. Printing and framing costs will be high but I could always put them up for sale and try to make a profit. If I do, it'll be either late August or early September, right before my uni course starts.
So, if I do that, you nice London/south east based folk have to come!
Alright, that's it from me. I have to go and work now so I can save up for a PS3, more tattoos, a set of DJ decks, and more frivoulous and typically non-girly things that I can't afford
Leave me nice notes, good people of SG World. Hope you are all well
x
They probably wouldn't if they saw me on stage.
Comedy wise, the summer is looking barren as Edinburgh is next month and all the London gigs are either getting cancelled because everyone is in the beer garden, or full of Edinburgh preview shows. Having done 4 gigs, I am not going to Edinburgh. Not this year anyway. When I do, my one-woman show, as decided by me and my friend Kate, is going to simply be called 'Quantas'.
Because, come on, how funny is that word?
Anyway, I have a gig in Kensington on Monday and one in Chatham on Wednesday, and then Taunton the following week, which is ace because it's petrol-expenses paid AND I don't have to drive. Legend. I also got offered one in return for an hour of flyering which I turned down. Don't care how new I am, this girl doesn't do flyering.
Last night, I went to see John Hegley at The Cock Tavern in Kilburn - if you don't know who he is you need to look him up IMMEDIATELY. Very funny man. He read out a poem I wrote and now I can die happy. It didn't win the prize but it blatantly should have, as it got the biggest laugh. It was about my fish, who I killed with washing up liquid. True story. Bizzle.
I asked a very good friend of mine to design my tattoo sleeve, as it's about time I got the blanks filled in on my right arm. I'm having a little trouble persuading her as she doesn't think she's arty and also she says my arm looks nice as it is. I tried to explain to her that there's too much skin on show. Also, that tattoos are beautiful. We'll see how it goes. I certainly have no money at the moment so there isn't any rush. But, as I have a swallow, a cat and clovers on that arm already, I think it's going to be natural-themed.
The other arm has Inky the Pacman Ghost and pink stars, so I think that's going to be the technological arm.
Poor Inky is sunburnt at the moment
He looks very upset about it. In photo news, I may have another two weddings in the pipeline, neither is confirmed yet though. Also, I did a 'skinhead' themed photoshoot with my friend Jo the other day. We caused a bit of a stir in the pub we were doing it in. Mostly positive although there were of course the odd morons who were convinced Jo must be a.) racist and b.) a man. Le sigh. I'm excited about the finished photos, but until my new laptop arrives, they will sadly not see the light of day.
I'm also thinking of holding my first ever Photography exhibition. It's a daunting prospect but I have the resources (hopefully) at my disposal, venue, the means to advertise etc. Printing and framing costs will be high but I could always put them up for sale and try to make a profit. If I do, it'll be either late August or early September, right before my uni course starts.
So, if I do that, you nice London/south east based folk have to come!
Alright, that's it from me. I have to go and work now so I can save up for a PS3, more tattoos, a set of DJ decks, and more frivoulous and typically non-girly things that I can't afford
Leave me nice notes, good people of SG World. Hope you are all well
x
Thanks to Lock, who has confirmed my status as 'funny looking gal'.
Thanks Alex, love you too
Anyway, hello. Very quick post as I have things to do, which of course means I am not doing them.
After my last post, complaining about having nothing to do, I did in fact go out and spend the whole day doing things I didn't have planned but enjoyed nonetheless. Those are the best types of day. I've been having a lot of those lately.
I've had a nice day today too. Had an interview for Cath Kidston (hooray!) and they'll take me on as casual staff, which is lovely. Couldn't bring myself to ask if we get a discount, it would have looked suspect. I'll wait til my first day (Thursday).
Then I sat at the cafe in the Neals Yard mini mall place in Covent Garden and drank black coffee and ate a cookie and wrote jokes. I was very pleased with them. One of them even includes the word 'cock'. And we know those are just the best types of joke.
Then I bought the Guardian which I love on Saturdays and will have no time to read, no doubt. Then I had some lovely phone conversations, which I just don't do enough of (oh, the age of the Internet) and now I'm lounging about in my fabulous new T-shirt doing rubbish menial tasks before I have to go pick up Dad. I am taking him out tonight for father's day and looking forward to it muchly. I know it sounds harsh but him having cancer really did help our relationship. We actually get on really well now and spending time with him is one of my favourite things to do.
Last night I had another one of those lovely, unplanned nights which was born out of me panicking because my original Friday night plan was something that...well lets just say I wasn't ready for it. So my Wife took me out with our lovely friends Robin and Tom and we drove to Bluewater, where we had Nandos, Krispy Kreme, played in an adventure playground at 11pm and then went to the midnight showing of The Happening, which was scary and interesting. The others thought it was crap but I found the concept really intriguing and I'd say it's worth seeing. Gory in places though. And I want to marry Zooey Dechanel. That was my sole reason for wanting to see it, actually.
Aaah Zooey, how I <3 you.
Got a couple more gigs. For anyone who wants to come see me attempt to be funny, message me and I'll send you gig details. I've got one this Thurs and another one the week after, I forget which day without looking at my diary.
I need to get more!
Right, off I go.
That's the T-shirt I bought today. Hehe.
I'm so 'Penge'. (and a man, apparently.)
xxx
Thanks Alex, love you too
Anyway, hello. Very quick post as I have things to do, which of course means I am not doing them.
After my last post, complaining about having nothing to do, I did in fact go out and spend the whole day doing things I didn't have planned but enjoyed nonetheless. Those are the best types of day. I've been having a lot of those lately.
I've had a nice day today too. Had an interview for Cath Kidston (hooray!) and they'll take me on as casual staff, which is lovely. Couldn't bring myself to ask if we get a discount, it would have looked suspect. I'll wait til my first day (Thursday).
Then I sat at the cafe in the Neals Yard mini mall place in Covent Garden and drank black coffee and ate a cookie and wrote jokes. I was very pleased with them. One of them even includes the word 'cock'. And we know those are just the best types of joke.
Then I bought the Guardian which I love on Saturdays and will have no time to read, no doubt. Then I had some lovely phone conversations, which I just don't do enough of (oh, the age of the Internet) and now I'm lounging about in my fabulous new T-shirt doing rubbish menial tasks before I have to go pick up Dad. I am taking him out tonight for father's day and looking forward to it muchly. I know it sounds harsh but him having cancer really did help our relationship. We actually get on really well now and spending time with him is one of my favourite things to do.
Last night I had another one of those lovely, unplanned nights which was born out of me panicking because my original Friday night plan was something that...well lets just say I wasn't ready for it. So my Wife took me out with our lovely friends Robin and Tom and we drove to Bluewater, where we had Nandos, Krispy Kreme, played in an adventure playground at 11pm and then went to the midnight showing of The Happening, which was scary and interesting. The others thought it was crap but I found the concept really intriguing and I'd say it's worth seeing. Gory in places though. And I want to marry Zooey Dechanel. That was my sole reason for wanting to see it, actually.
Aaah Zooey, how I <3 you.
Got a couple more gigs. For anyone who wants to come see me attempt to be funny, message me and I'll send you gig details. I've got one this Thurs and another one the week after, I forget which day without looking at my diary.
I need to get more!
Right, off I go.
That's the T-shirt I bought today. Hehe.
I'm so 'Penge'. (and a man, apparently.)
xxx
I've got nothing to do today, literally nothing and it's driving me a bit insane. The carpet men are meant to be coming so everything in the house is now in the garden and I can't even play Mario Kart. Sob. So I thought I would go back to the old school and spend 6 hours surfing the web and generally wasting time. It doesn't feel very productive and I get depressed when I'm not doing productive things but I should learn to stop being scared of letting time go by without anything significant happening.
And on the up side, I get to bore you all for a bit.
I posted a link to my Flickr page in my other blog yesterday, asking people to tell me what they thought. I suppose I shouldn't have said that if I didn't want absolute honesty, and also I suppose maybe I'm just used to hearing people say my photos are pretty (is that arrogance, then?) but some random guy I've never spoken to before left me a note saying I was 'trying too hard' and I should learn to take photos just for fun.
S'cuse me, you what? Isn't that what I do ALL the time?
He also said a photo very close to my heart wasn't in context. Fuck. Right. Off. Every photo I take fits into a context that matters to me and that's what I care about. Until someone comes along and pays me moolah to undertake a project that fits to THEIR specification (and sometimes they do) then it's all about what I want, what I see, what I like, what I know. What a bellend, telling me that stuff.
Or maybe he wasn't, and I just can't take criticism.
The other day though, my friend Jo told me I'm 'shit hot' at what I do. So I prefer to listen to that, rather than the nutter who would presumably like to dictate all my future photographs to me exactly as I SHOULD be shooting them.
I went out last night for Mexican food and what can I say, I guess my chicken fajita didn't agree with me. We went across the road to the Slug and Lettuce afterwards and I was just starting to enjoy myself when my stomach started melting and I literally had to FLY home. Well, I got my friend Rob to give me a lift, that might as well be flying - he drives like a maniac.
That paragraph was really boring.
I've got some gigs tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday. I'm not sure how I feel about doing them - I'll see how they go. I don't know if anyone wants to hear about how I think Calvin Harris should be shot or that, as a resident of Penge, my only possible destiny is to marry a crack dealer and push out 15 kids.
I took some photos of myself, to experiment with natural light, using the walls of my room as a backdrop and the self-timer mode on my SLR. Also, to see if I am in any way photogenic.
And on the up side, I get to bore you all for a bit.
I posted a link to my Flickr page in my other blog yesterday, asking people to tell me what they thought. I suppose I shouldn't have said that if I didn't want absolute honesty, and also I suppose maybe I'm just used to hearing people say my photos are pretty (is that arrogance, then?) but some random guy I've never spoken to before left me a note saying I was 'trying too hard' and I should learn to take photos just for fun.
S'cuse me, you what? Isn't that what I do ALL the time?
He also said a photo very close to my heart wasn't in context. Fuck. Right. Off. Every photo I take fits into a context that matters to me and that's what I care about. Until someone comes along and pays me moolah to undertake a project that fits to THEIR specification (and sometimes they do) then it's all about what I want, what I see, what I like, what I know. What a bellend, telling me that stuff.
Or maybe he wasn't, and I just can't take criticism.
The other day though, my friend Jo told me I'm 'shit hot' at what I do. So I prefer to listen to that, rather than the nutter who would presumably like to dictate all my future photographs to me exactly as I SHOULD be shooting them.
I went out last night for Mexican food and what can I say, I guess my chicken fajita didn't agree with me. We went across the road to the Slug and Lettuce afterwards and I was just starting to enjoy myself when my stomach started melting and I literally had to FLY home. Well, I got my friend Rob to give me a lift, that might as well be flying - he drives like a maniac.
That paragraph was really boring.
I've got some gigs tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday. I'm not sure how I feel about doing them - I'll see how they go. I don't know if anyone wants to hear about how I think Calvin Harris should be shot or that, as a resident of Penge, my only possible destiny is to marry a crack dealer and push out 15 kids.
I took some photos of myself, to experiment with natural light, using the walls of my room as a backdrop and the self-timer mode on my SLR. Also, to see if I am in any way photogenic.
I took some photos of my friend's band, Elle S'appelle at the Camden Crawl a couple of months back, as well as the band they supported, One Night Only:
And I took some photos of the South Bank, my favourite part of my home city:
So now you can judge for yourself whether I'm trying too hard. Whatever that means?
So, I'm a Stand Up Comedian now. Who knew, eh?
I'm quite reluctant to say that's what I am because well, first of all, one gig does not a career make (though I have others booked) and second, I don't think Im going to be a very good one...but then I thought, you know what? Many many people are bad at their jobs and they still use a job title. So there it is - I am a Stand Up Comedian now.
I am Iris Macro Vaseline III, Photographer, Comedian, AQA Researcher and all round nice person.
That's not my real name, by the way. In guess you wondered.
Talking of nice person though - I have a cold today and I was standing in the kitchen earlier complaining, and Mum said to me 'do you think there's a chance that this cold is a physical manifestation of all your nastiness, just coming out of you in flem form?'
Lovely.
And even 2 months ago, I would have burst into tears at a statement like that but life has given me a thicker-than-average skin. So I blinked and replied 'nah, there's not enough flem in the world to represent all the nastiness pent up inside me'.
And she said: 'yeah, probably true'.
Thanks Mum. Thum.
So like, come and see me do a gig in London, if you live in the area. I'm hilarious.
That might not be true.
But you know, it's surprisingly easy to get people to give you a microphone on any given night of the week and let you go nuts.
And I am firmly of the opinion that all Stand Up Comedians do this for one reason and one reason only.
We all have deep-seated personal issues that have messed us up at some point in our lives. Getting hold of a microphone, standing up in a room full of people and telling jokes is our self-important way of solving all our problems.
And if they laugh...well that's one more day we won't go home and put our heads in the oven.
Tis true. Talk to any Stand Up Comedian. Go on. Have a whole conversation with one. They are all incredibly self important and insular.
And that, ladies and gents, is the reason.
But seriously, come see me tell jokes. I'm self important and full of nastiness and that's the genius of it.
Also, I tell chav jokes and speak 'the language of the street' in an incredibly posh voice.
I'm told it's sexy
So how are you?
I'm quite reluctant to say that's what I am because well, first of all, one gig does not a career make (though I have others booked) and second, I don't think Im going to be a very good one...but then I thought, you know what? Many many people are bad at their jobs and they still use a job title. So there it is - I am a Stand Up Comedian now.
I am Iris Macro Vaseline III, Photographer, Comedian, AQA Researcher and all round nice person.
That's not my real name, by the way. In guess you wondered.
Talking of nice person though - I have a cold today and I was standing in the kitchen earlier complaining, and Mum said to me 'do you think there's a chance that this cold is a physical manifestation of all your nastiness, just coming out of you in flem form?'
Lovely.
And even 2 months ago, I would have burst into tears at a statement like that but life has given me a thicker-than-average skin. So I blinked and replied 'nah, there's not enough flem in the world to represent all the nastiness pent up inside me'.
And she said: 'yeah, probably true'.
Thanks Mum. Thum.
So like, come and see me do a gig in London, if you live in the area. I'm hilarious.
That might not be true.
But you know, it's surprisingly easy to get people to give you a microphone on any given night of the week and let you go nuts.
And I am firmly of the opinion that all Stand Up Comedians do this for one reason and one reason only.
We all have deep-seated personal issues that have messed us up at some point in our lives. Getting hold of a microphone, standing up in a room full of people and telling jokes is our self-important way of solving all our problems.
And if they laugh...well that's one more day we won't go home and put our heads in the oven.
Tis true. Talk to any Stand Up Comedian. Go on. Have a whole conversation with one. They are all incredibly self important and insular.
And that, ladies and gents, is the reason.
But seriously, come see me tell jokes. I'm self important and full of nastiness and that's the genius of it.
Also, I tell chav jokes and speak 'the language of the street' in an incredibly posh voice.
I'm told it's sexy
So how are you?
It's been a lovely bank holiday weekend, full of cocktails, barbeques, cinema trips, friends and the obligatory queueing-for-seven-hours-in-Primark that seems to come with the territory of Bank Holiday Monday.
I am all bank-holidayed out but that doesn't stop me wishing every day could be like today. Life would be just lovely if that were the case, I could deal with that.
A few of you have been asking me what I'm up to these days, where I've been, where I am now, what's going on, etc etc. It's probably about time I stopped being cryptic about it all.
So:-
- I'm living in London again now. This is just fine as I'm surrounded by many lovely friends and my gorgeous city.
- I'm still working for AQA and doing my photography on the side. It's still not really paying, which is annoying, but I'm enjoying it so much that it almost doesn't matter.
- I've been accepted onto the MA Photography course at the London Metropolitan University this September. It's a two year part time course and I'm looking forward to getting my teeth stuck into it. I haven't done anything creative yet academic for a long while, not since my undergraduate degree really, so this will be good for me.
- I'm single now and this is, for the moment, a very sad thing and is taking a lot of getting used to. Some of you may remember that I was engaged a while back - well I was, and to an amazing person that I met right here over two years ago now. I also moved to Leicester. Well, the engagement ended in February and I moved back here, and the relationship finally ended last month. Things just didn't work out the way we had hoped - sometimes that just happens. It was still a shock to the system though and I'm still reeling from it, which I hope will stop soon because it's exhausting. I couldn't say what ended things, just that it got so complicated and messy, and much as we adored each other, in the end I just don't think we could deal with one another. We seemed so perfect for one another that it was very difficult to face the fact that it wasn't working out, and for a long time I couldn't. I think I have now though. We aren't speaking at the moment although I still think and speak very highly of him. Apart from the fact that I lost a very very great love in my life, I also lost my best friend and that's been the hardest thing to deal with. I admire couples who break up and manage to stay best friends through everything. I can't do that at the moment and also, sadly it seems that I am not wanted in that capacity any more. Getting over this, and also all this change in my life is easily the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I'm really not myself at the moment, although I hope the day with come when everything is okay.
- My cat, and favourite person in the entire universe died last month and it was very sad. I have a new cat now and she's taking some getting used to but she's very cute. Her name is Lola, after The Kink's Lola. i don't know if she likes being named after a transvestite but she seems happy enough.
- I am starting a four week long stand up comedy course tomorrow evening and words cannot describe how nervous I am. I decided to do it as I needed something new to throw myself into, I wanted to build up my confidence and also people have told me I'm funny (not true) in the past so we'll see how it goes. If its a disaster then I can just shrug and laugh and say I tried. Anyway, laughter is meant to be the best medicine right? I reckon it heals all wounds.
- I am looking forward to the summer and hoping it brings many fun times, new experiences and happy memories to look back on when this year is over, God knows I need 'em.
I hope you guys are all well. I'm sorry I haven't been around much or commenting on blogs and things. I'm going to try to get better at that.
x
I am all bank-holidayed out but that doesn't stop me wishing every day could be like today. Life would be just lovely if that were the case, I could deal with that.
A few of you have been asking me what I'm up to these days, where I've been, where I am now, what's going on, etc etc. It's probably about time I stopped being cryptic about it all.
So:-
- I'm living in London again now. This is just fine as I'm surrounded by many lovely friends and my gorgeous city.
- I'm still working for AQA and doing my photography on the side. It's still not really paying, which is annoying, but I'm enjoying it so much that it almost doesn't matter.
- I've been accepted onto the MA Photography course at the London Metropolitan University this September. It's a two year part time course and I'm looking forward to getting my teeth stuck into it. I haven't done anything creative yet academic for a long while, not since my undergraduate degree really, so this will be good for me.
- I'm single now and this is, for the moment, a very sad thing and is taking a lot of getting used to. Some of you may remember that I was engaged a while back - well I was, and to an amazing person that I met right here over two years ago now. I also moved to Leicester. Well, the engagement ended in February and I moved back here, and the relationship finally ended last month. Things just didn't work out the way we had hoped - sometimes that just happens. It was still a shock to the system though and I'm still reeling from it, which I hope will stop soon because it's exhausting. I couldn't say what ended things, just that it got so complicated and messy, and much as we adored each other, in the end I just don't think we could deal with one another. We seemed so perfect for one another that it was very difficult to face the fact that it wasn't working out, and for a long time I couldn't. I think I have now though. We aren't speaking at the moment although I still think and speak very highly of him. Apart from the fact that I lost a very very great love in my life, I also lost my best friend and that's been the hardest thing to deal with. I admire couples who break up and manage to stay best friends through everything. I can't do that at the moment and also, sadly it seems that I am not wanted in that capacity any more. Getting over this, and also all this change in my life is easily the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I'm really not myself at the moment, although I hope the day with come when everything is okay.
- My cat, and favourite person in the entire universe died last month and it was very sad. I have a new cat now and she's taking some getting used to but she's very cute. Her name is Lola, after The Kink's Lola. i don't know if she likes being named after a transvestite but she seems happy enough.
- I am starting a four week long stand up comedy course tomorrow evening and words cannot describe how nervous I am. I decided to do it as I needed something new to throw myself into, I wanted to build up my confidence and also people have told me I'm funny (not true) in the past so we'll see how it goes. If its a disaster then I can just shrug and laugh and say I tried. Anyway, laughter is meant to be the best medicine right? I reckon it heals all wounds.
- I am looking forward to the summer and hoping it brings many fun times, new experiences and happy memories to look back on when this year is over, God knows I need 'em.
I hope you guys are all well. I'm sorry I haven't been around much or commenting on blogs and things. I'm going to try to get better at that.
x
Everything stings, from the new cat scratches on my hands to the new updates I can't look away from...like a car crash.
But dance to Britney Spears and everything will be just fine
I shall now become a Russian Immigrant and move to a non-descript American city on the promise of fame and fortune...and then jack some cars.
But dance to Britney Spears and everything will be just fine
I shall now become a Russian Immigrant and move to a non-descript American city on the promise of fame and fortune...and then jack some cars.
