I can't quite see or feel what my future may hold. I know this may sound like a normal thought to most, but for me, it reverberates in my head as sound waves in a desolate valley. Or better yet, as the sounds of ocean waves crashing trapped in immortality within a sea shell. It's as though all emotions of every possible future have billowed up into an unnatural cluster of anxiety in my present.

As my drive into knowledge continues, I find myself pulling out and forcing myself into other works, from the insane to the completely useless. I cannot, for the life of me, allow myself to learn to absolution, rather I must always have myself on the fence between knowledge and creativity, as though my imagination is intentionally preventing knowledge from metastasizing. Though I crave to know the effects a shadow universe has on our present one, I refuse to accept anything as truth anymore. There is no truth, no absolution. Existence is existence, without meaning or purpose, that, at least, I have accepted long ago. Yet now, something within me refuses to accept anything else I encounter, as though my life is still the euphoria of a dream. Maybe that's why I don't dream, because I still am.

Perhaps its the presence of a possibly excellent future, one rich with happiness. No, not happiness, content. Content, knowledge, and growth. One full of a constant chase for the enhancement of my own being. With more education, and stable relationship, well as stable as a personality and history of one such as me can achieve. Maybe it is the presence of this near perfection of life, that drives me to reject it. Almost as though I will not ALLOW myself to obtain what I seek. Am I my own saboteur? I can't be, that seems too much, too distant from myself. Beyond even the slightest existence of reason.

Did you know you can remove a turtle's heart from his body and watch it beat for several hours on it's own?

Could it be fear? Am I secretly afraid of success? No, more likely than not, probably afraid of loss, and the more I obtain, the more I can lose. Not have taken from me, I don't really have that fear. I must, then, just be afraid of failing. Afraid of fucking everything up, but less afraid that I will do it and more convinced that I will.

I feel the detachment gaining it's hold over my emotions more and more each day. I can no longer recognize the detachment from the world I have always felt from the detachment from the life I now live. Everyday is becoming a more difficult challenge to interact, to laugh with others. As though my mind finds my body necessary for nothing more than sustenance. Even communication with my beloved family is becoming increasingly forced. I might as well be making appointments to call them on my Where's Waldo calender.

Has anyone ever noticed how disturbed Waldo's world is? Where ever he goes, there is nothing but mass mayhem, a complete lack of stability and an abundance shattered reality. Everybody wants to see where he is, but nobody wants to go there themselves. No wonder he's in a different place each month, he cannot find any location of normalcy. Lost in a sea of distortion. Literally, this month he is in the ocean.

A fruit fly can survive and act almost normal with it's head removed.

You have to find yourself wondering, on occasion, what life would be like in ignorance? When you see certain kinds of people on the streets or in shopping centers, and you can just tell they are the kind of people who don't read into anything. The world is exactly as it appears around them. Nothing more. Life is just life, and it exists just to enjoy, or something along those lines. Do you ever feel, for a moment at least, jealous of them, of their blissful obliviousness? Do you find yourself curious about what their personal life consists of? Are they this way all the time, or do they have a cloak powerful enough to camouflage any trace of doubt or lingering concern? Could I use that cloak on myself?

Yet, still I find myself in Afghanistan, in a place where I feel a sort of connection with people. A strange one though, my best friend is a German soldier, Kris, who has seen his fair share. After him comes the unit I support, the combat soldiers who go on missions on a nearly daily basis. I find myself constantly trying to understand their emotions about everything they are experiencing, desperately searching for links to my own feeling on war, on the chain of command, on home. The guys I work with, I have given up long ago on believing I will ever find a connection with them.

Elroy speaks constantly of Hawaii, of the calm he feels there, the freedom of concern that "main landers" seem to lack. Seems unreal. I must visit this place to confirm it's affects for myself.

For now, it's just me and my camera, doing my best to catch glimpses of what reminds me of what my life once was, when it had a solid purpose, a motivation. No, that's not entirely accurate, the purpose then I still hold now, to keep those near me alive. And destroy any who threaten. I guess when the threat was constant, it was easy to focus on the purpose.


My camera, and this little guy.

No matter where my travels take me, I will always bear witness to a sad truth: inherent in humanity, lies the ability for the ignorance of the few to effortlessly manipulate the minds of the many. It is this ability, and it's constant reinforcement of itself, that will forever continue to propel my lacking faith in humanity as a whole.

As it turns out, maybe just a fluke, but on this base I can actually access my SG, though still, I haven't paid for it for quite some time, and it still baffles me. Not entirely sure how often I'll visit here, our bandwidth is low and usually we have a shit ton of work. But today seems like a fine day for a bit of venting.

Copies of the Quran were found being bunrt today by locals, and a huge protest started. Currently, a few soldiers have died as a result, yet I admire how much of this country is actually acting in a peaceful protest, marching with signs rather than AK-47's. Apparently, some of my coworkers not only feel as though this is just a precursor to what is bound to be a large scale show of force, but they also show the general ignorance that, as I have come to understand, is in part with being just another average, who care's about everything else American.

One man in particular, who's work habits already annoy the fucking shit out of me, will not stop talking about how the protests are all just because we are america, how there were never any protests when the Taliban bombed Mosque's, how there's little stopping the local afghan national army base from attacking us. Where he sees this constant bully awaiting for an excuse to kill at a moments notice, I have been seeing what appears to be the greatest sign of hope for this country.

Today alone, our little combat outpost has doubled guard tower activation, constructed several entrenched fighting positions, and flew in thousands of non lethal rounds. All non military transportation has been halted, meaning no mail or parts that we need. And we were issued a warning to sleep with out bullet proof vests by us at all times, is not on. Well, my vest sits in the same little corner under my bed, because I still believe that no violence will occur. That these people, no matter what the ignorant believe, are a growing kind, and they are moving their culture forward in a way that the past two decades has prevented them from doing. I, finally, have faith in people. Just not my people.

Somewhere, some stupid little fuck head of a fobbit, paper pushing soldier, either got lazy or completely stupid, and allowed these holy books to be sent for burning. Somewhere, this very same soldier better be, although I highly doubt he or she is, sitting in the fetal position in a dark corner, staring at the metaphorical blood that now rests on their hands. Two soldiers are dead in direct retaliation of this incident. Two people will not be going home, two people have not been able to properly say goodbye, and two families will never have a proper reunion again. All because of the laziness. Or worse yet ignorance.

I found a place where the view outside is always stunning. The mountain tops are always brights and seemingly endless. Life is simple, and people only wish to make what is around them better. the people here go through every day with a sense of hope, that this place will be what it can be, and will someday rest in a sense of peace. Only to be shattered by the ignorant of one. Then rocked by an explosion sounding off the end of that peace. Because of the ignorance of a few.

And it starts again. I totally thought I was beyond this, but I'm not. Every time I leave, I find myself just... shutting down. It's like for a few days my heart goes cold and my love ceases to exist. I don't know, I just want to get that off my chest.

I really wish I could figure out how to change this, but for now I just need to live with it. I'll be home sooner than I realize, after all, this is my third trip to the middle east.

Sunday, I leave for processing for the company, then shortly after... Afghanistan.

Love....

Very interesting weekend ahead. Probably filled with pictures. Let's see where life takes me now!

So I figure it's been a long awhile since i had a photo dump here...
It's good to be home!


I wasn't always an ugly baby!


Meanwhile, in Dubai and other countries:

That's me, Ian from Scotland, and Chris from South Africa having a pint at an Irish pub in Dubai...

Baghdad looks a lot better than the first time I saw it.

that is exactly what it looks like. A toilet IN a shower.

When the shop looks like this at the end of the countries occupation, you start getting bored...



That is actually a tool kit... awesome name though!



and other random things here and there...



leave it to walmart


Update on the job thing. I woke up this morning to an offer from another company paying more for the same job with a better vacation package. In other words, an actual vacation mid-tour. Problem is, they want me to leave December 12th, and not only do I not want to leave then due to family and friend plans, but that's not enough time for me to get my medical exams finished. So now I have Mantech trying to match the compensation, and this new company trying to push back my deployment date. Neither of which are calling me right now. Fucking awesome.

I came out of the darkness, with a bullet in my hand.



Been a curious few weeks. I feel things I forgot I had surfacing, emotions I had long since figured were just gone. I had a nice two hour drive a week ago to see my sister play the field hockey state championships, and found myself getting choked up and teary eyed when she won. my niece failed her license test and I felt horrible. It's all strange. I have always loved my family, but fuck, I honestly cannot remember the last time I cried out of happiness, or felt bad because somebody else messed up. It's like... empathy. Finally.

I have been bouncing my head off the walls with the occasional boredom. It used to be the anxiety of not knowing whether or not I'd be going to Afghanistan, but since I now know, it's just boredom. January 8th, and I leave for Virginia for processing. Bagram Air Base, here I come. All I need is a physical, and a medical history check, and a vision test, and a hearing exam, and a dental exam, and a chest x-ray. All out of pocket, which is a good chunk of change, seeing as how the health care coverage from my last job that's still in affect sucks in country, but I got it.

All seems to be moving fairly well, and I have been awaiting what I feel is the inevitable fall, that one we all seem to get used to and wind up looking for in the long run. That feeling you get when things seem to be going too well to be right. Aside from the walls of the female I see from time to time. First time I not only noticed a wall, but found a way to peck through it. It was... enlightening. No, uplifting... maybe both. Still have some serious walls to get through if we are to ever become a couple. And 200 miles to contend with. And let's face it, who would voluntarily move to this amish country place?

Oh, I'm going hunting finally, kind of. Not sure if I'm going to try to shoot anything, but I'm going to the cabin in the mountains which lack cell reception and wireless anything. A good escape from the world with family at least. Not sure how it's going to go, I know I'll be cold as all fucking hell, but whatever.

Looking back at the past few years of my life, there's a strange feeling that somewhere along the line, I had left a completely different person behind. Like I was somehow able to unbind myself from them. It has been a rough and bumpy ass fucking ride, one that created my first series of real regrets. I am completely stunned that in the mindset I was in, I was able to make it through school, or life for that matter. I feel more lucky to have literally survived the past few years than to have survived two tours to Iraq. Biggest, and worst difference is, all the danger I faced after Iraq, was all from me being just, stupid.

I've grown. Spiritually, mentally. Wiser, and younger. Rejuvenated in all that matters. And never faltering my progression, always moving closer and closer to what it is I have always wanted. Let's just hope that inevitable fall is just imaginary.

I need something to break this monotony. Badly. I love my family and all, but being around them ALL day is driving me nuts. Plus my lack of confirmation for my new job is stressing me out!

So yup, today's the day. The internet shuts down out here in merely thirty five minutes. After that, I hand in my room key, and head to the flight line where I'll end up waiting probably the whole day in a tent with 59 other people until I take off to head to Dubai. Maybe a few hours there, maybe a day, who knows. What I do know, is the next time anyone will hear from me on here, it will be from the states!!

So in my day of super boredom, I ended up going through and deleted a bunch of people off my facebook list. A good number of people are generally good, and good to me. I have my new friends from the company, and my old friends from the army, and of course my blood family and my bond family. Then a bunch of people that I needed to check up on to see if they served any use whatsoever, or if I even knew them.

A handful of these people are nothing. Rather, the exact same as they were when we were teenagers. I get to thinking to myself, how is it that I was able to stand being stuck in a place without any momentum? Stuck in a place of... not even mediocrity. Here I am, busting my ass to get my business and become something big. Not settled in the same place.

Then a string of fears of failing the shop or missing something important or not getting business hit me. I guess without that fear, I wouldn't pay close attention to the details and really find a way to succeed. Ugh, too much time to think to myself.

So yeah...

Even though I filed my paperwork to head home on the 4th, it seems that the cut back committee felt it necessary to bump my flight up to the 2nd, which is absolutely fine by me. Now I don't have to go to work and still get eight hours of pay, and my flights will be scheduled quicker, getting me home in one day rather than two. Sooooooo...

ILL BE HOME IN 6 DAYS!!!