I had this dream a few nights ago that sparked a whole lot of shitty thinking and anxiety. Brittany came back to visit for some reason or another. I was just happy that she was there, the reason why she was there never came up. She jokingly laughed about how she cheated on me while she was living here with me, and before she even finished the sentance, i punched her in the head, and did some ugly wrestling move to her which involved me picking her up over my head somehow and slamming her down on her back. I proceeded to tell her to get the fuck out and that I didn't care where she stayed while she was still here but that I never wanted to see her again. I have a vague recollection of seeing her cry for a split second. I hate seeing people cry, especially her. And I'm all weird about crappy little things I did to my little brother when we were small that made him cry. I don't think I've ever been a good brother. I could've been a better son. Definitly a better friend. And obviously a better boyfriend. Generally just a better person, because basically I'm pretty crap. Back to the part where I beat up a chick though... Ok so that WAS just a dream, but it sparked a little 2 line thing from which I hope to write a song around. It goes:
In my dreams I used to be fucking you
Now in my dreams I'm just fucking you up
I wrote it on a tiny piece of paper I found in my pocket while I was taking a dump at work. And I forgot to do my homework for music school tonight, so I pulled that piece of paper out to write something else down on. I was at the customer service desk and three high school girls came up and asked about stocktake, and my profane note was sitting on the desk in eyeshot of these girls, just waiting for them to be corrupted by it.
Those poor, impressionable.... hot little bitches.
In my dreams I used to be fucking you
Now in my dreams I'm just fucking you up
I wrote it on a tiny piece of paper I found in my pocket while I was taking a dump at work. And I forgot to do my homework for music school tonight, so I pulled that piece of paper out to write something else down on. I was at the customer service desk and three high school girls came up and asked about stocktake, and my profane note was sitting on the desk in eyeshot of these girls, just waiting for them to be corrupted by it.
Those poor, impressionable.... hot little bitches.
Had the second practice of the new band I'm in tonight. Liam called me a few weeks ago from Mackay and told me a guy from this club in town is looking to put on covers bands on Sunday afternoons, and was asking Liam if he was interested. Well Liam lives in Mackay, 4 hours away, and our band is no longer happening. Even though it was the best music ever and the thing I am most proud of. So he calls me, and I sort of have to round up some people to play and learn a shitload of songs in 2 or 3 weeks. After 2 practices we've probably got all of or bits of about 15 songs going. Which is pretty darn good I believe. Todd is playing bass, he used to play guitar in my old band. Which is called Furtle. Best band ever. Anyway. He's only been playing a few weeks, and we've decided to learn hard songs with awesome basslines like songs from the Chilis and from Muse. But the Muse songs sound so good and are so fun to play. We are still kind of lacking a singer. Brett's been having a go at practices, but I would prefer to have someone concentrate solely on singing, rather than playing guitar at the same time. Who knows. We might have to do it that way anyway. I've been singing a little, but I screw up the drumming when I try to sing. I'll set up a mic for me next time though. And learn the full lyrics to sir psycho sexy. And have female club goers wishing I was doing to them what the lyrics entail. Yeah, that's right.
I decided it was time to put down the family problem thing. 2 weekends ago my dad came downstairs afternoon while my mum was over visiting my grandad. He had a heap of papers with him and a worried look on his face. He started off by saying that after we sold our other house we had some money left over which went into a different account. At first I thought that he might have been going to say that I could have the money, because for a while I've been expressing interest in buying an investment property to sort of set myself up for life. Unfortunately for many reasons, it had nothing to do with that. I wasn't getting $20,000.
He went on to tell me that at regular intervals over the past 18 months my mum had been withdrawing large sums of money from their joint account and depositing it into this other account, the one with the left over house money in it. On average it was about $700 at a time, the biggest being over $2000. The band had contacted my dad about it, thinking that somehow these substantial withdrawls were something that they were not aware of, and if they weren't, the bank would be able to do something about it. After talking with the bank dad found out that the money had been going into this account, from my mum.
So dad asked her how much money was in the account. She said there was only about $25,000 in there. Dad showed me the bank statements from this account (the joint one) for the past 18 months, and had worked out that there should be over $50,000 in there. That's a fucking shitload of money. My dad works hard out of town so that we can live an above average lifestyle, and yet we're not doing that. We're just normal. And that's not a problem to me. I'm old enough to look after myself if need be. But the fact remains that the money that my dad was working for, money that myself, my brothers, my mum and my dad were all entitiled to share in, was getting distributed into this other account.
When he asked her about the money she went all fucked up on him and screamed and cried about being accused of stealing the money. Even though she fucking IS stealing it. Dad doesn't even care about the money, because until the bank called him, he didn't even know that money was going missing. The fact that mum is denying knowledge of it leads us all to belive that something serious is going on. You can't presume that your own mother is stealing money and doing something with it, because it's obvious she hasn't obtained anything material - we'd notice it around the house. Everyone just wants to help if it's something bad. A theory being thrown up is that her friend Pam, who is actually just the mother of one of my mum's other friends, is a gambler, and possibly has either gotten into a lot of trouble and needs help being bailed out, or, she has gotten my mum into gambling and that's where it's all going. Either way, it's so not cool, and Noone's comfortable having this lady in our house anymore.
Either way, my parents' marriage is over. My dad's really upset and would rather just try and forget about everything and go on as if nothing bad is happening. It's so fucking sad. There was supposed to be an intervention where we all confronted mum about it so she had no choice but to fess up to what the deal is. But my dad couldn't bring himself to be upset again and so now 2 weeks have gone by. He goes back to work again tomorrow and so at least another week will go by without any resolution.
I want to help and get my mum out of whatever mess she is in. But if she's just selfishly fucking about and screwing us all over, then all I want to do is forget this whole deal and leave. My dad needs me though. He confided in ME. He's got noone to go to but me. My other brothers don't get it as much as I do. Michael's 30, and dad told him the short of it the same afternoon I found out, and he's pretty pissed off, but it's sort of been put all on me.
The bank has been advised by the bank to seek legal advice, or close their joint account so that the money can't keep coming out. I want to buy our house and pay it off myself and kick my mother out. She's obviously got money to get herself sorted out with. But then you think.. this is my mother. She has taken care of me and loved me for 21 years. You can't do that. I just don't know what to do with it all. I pretend that nothing is happening, but inside I'm falling apart.
He went on to tell me that at regular intervals over the past 18 months my mum had been withdrawing large sums of money from their joint account and depositing it into this other account, the one with the left over house money in it. On average it was about $700 at a time, the biggest being over $2000. The band had contacted my dad about it, thinking that somehow these substantial withdrawls were something that they were not aware of, and if they weren't, the bank would be able to do something about it. After talking with the bank dad found out that the money had been going into this account, from my mum.
So dad asked her how much money was in the account. She said there was only about $25,000 in there. Dad showed me the bank statements from this account (the joint one) for the past 18 months, and had worked out that there should be over $50,000 in there. That's a fucking shitload of money. My dad works hard out of town so that we can live an above average lifestyle, and yet we're not doing that. We're just normal. And that's not a problem to me. I'm old enough to look after myself if need be. But the fact remains that the money that my dad was working for, money that myself, my brothers, my mum and my dad were all entitiled to share in, was getting distributed into this other account.
When he asked her about the money she went all fucked up on him and screamed and cried about being accused of stealing the money. Even though she fucking IS stealing it. Dad doesn't even care about the money, because until the bank called him, he didn't even know that money was going missing. The fact that mum is denying knowledge of it leads us all to belive that something serious is going on. You can't presume that your own mother is stealing money and doing something with it, because it's obvious she hasn't obtained anything material - we'd notice it around the house. Everyone just wants to help if it's something bad. A theory being thrown up is that her friend Pam, who is actually just the mother of one of my mum's other friends, is a gambler, and possibly has either gotten into a lot of trouble and needs help being bailed out, or, she has gotten my mum into gambling and that's where it's all going. Either way, it's so not cool, and Noone's comfortable having this lady in our house anymore.
Either way, my parents' marriage is over. My dad's really upset and would rather just try and forget about everything and go on as if nothing bad is happening. It's so fucking sad. There was supposed to be an intervention where we all confronted mum about it so she had no choice but to fess up to what the deal is. But my dad couldn't bring himself to be upset again and so now 2 weeks have gone by. He goes back to work again tomorrow and so at least another week will go by without any resolution.
I want to help and get my mum out of whatever mess she is in. But if she's just selfishly fucking about and screwing us all over, then all I want to do is forget this whole deal and leave. My dad needs me though. He confided in ME. He's got noone to go to but me. My other brothers don't get it as much as I do. Michael's 30, and dad told him the short of it the same afternoon I found out, and he's pretty pissed off, but it's sort of been put all on me.
The bank has been advised by the bank to seek legal advice, or close their joint account so that the money can't keep coming out. I want to buy our house and pay it off myself and kick my mother out. She's obviously got money to get herself sorted out with. But then you think.. this is my mother. She has taken care of me and loved me for 21 years. You can't do that. I just don't know what to do with it all. I pretend that nothing is happening, but inside I'm falling apart.
I had a little saddy. I was trying to find a screw that would fix my snare drum stand and I found a note in my tool box left for me by Brittany, for whenever I next used the tools. That's the worst. I didn't want to think about her anymore.
I'd like some clarification on the whole suicide boys issue. OK, so we know I have a hot body, and hell - even I like looking at it. And there are obviously other males with bodies which might be considered attractive. But what do you really want to look at? Is posting a picture of your giant erect cock REALLY visually pleasing? I don't think I need to like boys to know that that's pretty dumb... So, girls, what's the deal?
Maybe I'm a complete asshole for saying and thinking that I don't think i'm really affected by the fact that last night I recieved an sms along the lines of "i love you, thanks for everything, tonight is the night, goodbye". I'm just so drained by it all. I can sms back, and I can call and she wont answer, but what else can I do? I don't know where she lives, so I can't go there and stop her doing what she says she's going to do. I can't call the police and say hey I think someone's in trouble. What are they going to say? Where do I have to go? Gee officer, I don't know. Stop wasting my time kid. I talked to my friend Loren who put me in touch with similar things she had done to herself. The cutting. The attention seeking. She seems to think Leah obviously had something to hide from me that would make me not want her anymore, and that she was enjoying so much what I was giving her. The way I see it is - telling me she was going to do it was either a cry to say "stop me Matt", which I tried to do, and if I'd gotten through I'd have to lie to appease her, and continue to go on with the crap so that she wouldn't do anything. And I guess a life is worth it in the end. You obviously don't want people to die. Or that she hasn't and.. shit I had something prophetic to say and it's gone. Either way I'm done with it.
Ahh there's so much I want to write down, but I fear that if I write it all at once I'll let myself become boring by putting on by with stupid pointless meaningless updates of what I had for lunch that day, and what stupid customer did this, or how much a particular shit hurt my sphincter. That's it for now I guess. Onto a new chapter of my life starting tomorrow.
Ahh there's so much I want to write down, but I fear that if I write it all at once I'll let myself become boring by putting on by with stupid pointless meaningless updates of what I had for lunch that day, and what stupid customer did this, or how much a particular shit hurt my sphincter. That's it for now I guess. Onto a new chapter of my life starting tomorrow.
I had my night of looking at beautiful women interuppted by one Leah Petersen. Who as of now I am washing my hands of. It's too fucking draining. I knew she would be a lot of work. But she's just gone on with this big speil attacking me because I told her what I wanted. And apparently seeing and being with her is so very out of the question. She has absolutely no compassion for anyone but herself. She is of the belief that noone else has tasted sadness or misfortune because they aren't her and they haven't had the things happen to them that she has had happen to her. O-FUCKING-K. It's bad what happened, and I feel sorry for you! I was the one who wanted to help you overcome it! I can tell I would have had to have been such a little bitch in a relationship with her. I could never have had an opinion, and I would constantly have had to tiptoe around every little thing so as to be sure not to offend her. I don't want to be mad at people. I hate being mad. I'm mad at everyone all day at work. At stupid rude asshole customers who mess my shit up and waste my time and stink themselves up with a mixture of coffee/cigerette breathe and maybe a little bit faeces. I never wanted to get mad at Leah because it's always as if you running the risk of her doing something stupid and hurting herself, or worse. I can't put myself through hell for the rest of my life just to apease her. Sure, you don't want people to die or anything. And I'm really weird about people being sad. Like I can't even watch someone lose in sport because I hate to see the dissappointment on people's faces.
Maybe it's a good thing. I'll go out this weekend. I'll spend the money I was going to use on the $800 phone bill from talking to Leah and get drunker than I ever have before. I'll see who I wake up next to. Totally out of character for me as I've only ever woken up next to the one girl who I've ever had sex with. But who gives a fuck, eh. Or maybe I'll go hang out at Stockland on Saturday and pick up all the little skanky teenagers who follow me around. Fucking hell. Sometimes - fucking hell.
Maybe it's a good thing. I'll go out this weekend. I'll spend the money I was going to use on the $800 phone bill from talking to Leah and get drunker than I ever have before. I'll see who I wake up next to. Totally out of character for me as I've only ever woken up next to the one girl who I've ever had sex with. But who gives a fuck, eh. Or maybe I'll go hang out at Stockland on Saturday and pick up all the little skanky teenagers who follow me around. Fucking hell. Sometimes - fucking hell.
I'm not expecting anyone to read this, or write to me, I've just decided that I need to start writing some shit down and get it out of my system. It's been a rather crappy 12 months really. It hasn't been 12 yet.. but I'm sure the crapness will continue for a little longer. Who knows, maybe I need to change my attitude about things and actually be positive or something. I don't fuckin know. Being a bitter asshole is pretty easy. And I'm pretty lazy. Maybe I'll just keep doing that. Yep. That's what I'll do.
As for right now.. I don't know how much I should actually write in here. I've given my SG password out to a few hot chick loving girls and one of them's opinion of me may be altered by her potentially reading my journals. Meh. I suppose she needs to know too. Ok. The right now part.
Today has been a worthless day. I stayed up until about 3am wallowing in my own self pity looking at porn and listening to music. When I was with Brittany I sort of neglected music. Before we were together I would listen to music all the time. And every time I was on the computer I'd have music playing, and that would be a big chunk of my time. When I was with her I was more concerned with spending time with her trying to make her happy and being happy just being with her. And when she left I didn't even start listening again. I just laid around and watched TV and wasted the days away because I felt so shit. Then one day I just pumped it up and sung my little broken heart out and started feeling again. I didn't cry when my grandmother died. I didn't cry when she left. I didn't cry when she told me she had a new boyfriend. I'd been bottling everything up for so long because it was easier than hurting. Singing did it to me. Singing made me feel again.
So as a result of being up late I slept late. I was meant to jam with Todd today because we have these gigs coming up. I wont get into that now though. I sent him a text and got nothing back. I told my brother I couldn't jam with him and record his song because I had plans to practice with Todd. And now it's too late to play music extremely loud in suburbia. I caught the end of the Simpsons marathons they have on Fox8 on Saturdays and Sundays and I fell back to sleep all afternoon. What a goddamn waste of day. I thought I was over the wasting days stage. I was sorta out of that for a while when I had the prospect of Leah.
I'm a sucker for punishment. I should've probably just elected for a normal relationship. I've got offers shitting out of my ears these days. But I've never been one for one night stands, and that coupled with the fact that I have feelings for Leah, has made taking these girls up on their offers impossible. What I meant by normal relationship is.. I met Leah on msn not long after Brittany left. And I've never ACTUALLY met the girl. We live in the same city. We've been at the same club at the same time, at the same shopping centre at the same time, and I can't be with her. It's been like 4 or 5 months now. And I can't take it anymore. I can't handle being turned down time and time again. She says I'll never understand her and her reasons for wanting to wait. We both know that once it starts it'll be something that'll go on for ages. But because of what happened to her, something that isn't for me to be airing in public, she's just extremely wary of men.
I question this, because she has a million guy friends who she can see. And I'm this guy that she says she loves, who cares so much, and is only there to help, and she wont be with me. I just can't feel the way I do and be unable to even see her. She says it's all about me, that it's all about what I want. That I want to see HER. That I'VE got to be with HER. She's forgetting the fact that I've been so incredibly patient, that I call her every day and am so in debt to the phone company because of her (I'm not using the money as a defence, because if I was with her I'd be spoiling her anyway). That I've completely proven what type of person I am to her. But I can't continue to be in pain. I've either got to have it all, or just be friends with her.
So that sorta brings me to now. Where I'm listening to the songs I'm meant to be learning. Where peanut the fat chihuahua is satisfying her foot licking fetish on me. Where I'm wearing a beanie in summer. Where after being on the phone with Leah for 10 minutes and saying probably 10 words I decided it was time to start writing. Because I can't keep burdening certain people with what's going on, and pretending to others that nothing's going on. So that's it for now I guess.
As for right now.. I don't know how much I should actually write in here. I've given my SG password out to a few hot chick loving girls and one of them's opinion of me may be altered by her potentially reading my journals. Meh. I suppose she needs to know too. Ok. The right now part.
Today has been a worthless day. I stayed up until about 3am wallowing in my own self pity looking at porn and listening to music. When I was with Brittany I sort of neglected music. Before we were together I would listen to music all the time. And every time I was on the computer I'd have music playing, and that would be a big chunk of my time. When I was with her I was more concerned with spending time with her trying to make her happy and being happy just being with her. And when she left I didn't even start listening again. I just laid around and watched TV and wasted the days away because I felt so shit. Then one day I just pumped it up and sung my little broken heart out and started feeling again. I didn't cry when my grandmother died. I didn't cry when she left. I didn't cry when she told me she had a new boyfriend. I'd been bottling everything up for so long because it was easier than hurting. Singing did it to me. Singing made me feel again.
So as a result of being up late I slept late. I was meant to jam with Todd today because we have these gigs coming up. I wont get into that now though. I sent him a text and got nothing back. I told my brother I couldn't jam with him and record his song because I had plans to practice with Todd. And now it's too late to play music extremely loud in suburbia. I caught the end of the Simpsons marathons they have on Fox8 on Saturdays and Sundays and I fell back to sleep all afternoon. What a goddamn waste of day. I thought I was over the wasting days stage. I was sorta out of that for a while when I had the prospect of Leah.
I'm a sucker for punishment. I should've probably just elected for a normal relationship. I've got offers shitting out of my ears these days. But I've never been one for one night stands, and that coupled with the fact that I have feelings for Leah, has made taking these girls up on their offers impossible. What I meant by normal relationship is.. I met Leah on msn not long after Brittany left. And I've never ACTUALLY met the girl. We live in the same city. We've been at the same club at the same time, at the same shopping centre at the same time, and I can't be with her. It's been like 4 or 5 months now. And I can't take it anymore. I can't handle being turned down time and time again. She says I'll never understand her and her reasons for wanting to wait. We both know that once it starts it'll be something that'll go on for ages. But because of what happened to her, something that isn't for me to be airing in public, she's just extremely wary of men.
I question this, because she has a million guy friends who she can see. And I'm this guy that she says she loves, who cares so much, and is only there to help, and she wont be with me. I just can't feel the way I do and be unable to even see her. She says it's all about me, that it's all about what I want. That I want to see HER. That I'VE got to be with HER. She's forgetting the fact that I've been so incredibly patient, that I call her every day and am so in debt to the phone company because of her (I'm not using the money as a defence, because if I was with her I'd be spoiling her anyway). That I've completely proven what type of person I am to her. But I can't continue to be in pain. I've either got to have it all, or just be friends with her.
So that sorta brings me to now. Where I'm listening to the songs I'm meant to be learning. Where peanut the fat chihuahua is satisfying her foot licking fetish on me. Where I'm wearing a beanie in summer. Where after being on the phone with Leah for 10 minutes and saying probably 10 words I decided it was time to start writing. Because I can't keep burdening certain people with what's going on, and pretending to others that nothing's going on. So that's it for now I guess.
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