Can't belive how miserable I was when I first came here. Needing self hypnosis to feel pain if you burn yourself on the lighter? Check. Sleeping four hours a day two hours at a time while longing for sleep 24/7? Check. Feeling as if someone stabbed you in the stomach when you stone face someone and get a look as vulnerable as you felt in return? Check. Perhaps I really should leave this freezing hell with equally frozen people. I don't know. Not to sound even more clichey but the future will tell.

I guess taking a break from life is better than ending it. Feels like I'm finally starting to come back. Nice.

1000 MTG cards to sort after block, edition, color, type, CMC and name. Asperger mode activated...

So apparently I might be epileptic. Thanks brain, keep malfunctioning. I didn't think it could be that bad seeing starfalls in bookshelves. I just thought I was psychotic.

Feeling better but life is scary. I don't want to doubt myself like this. This sucks.

So I'm feeling better now. Alot better. And I hope my parents will too in a while. Right now I'm drinking and taking benzo though. I couldn't handle the anxiety over the last year. I'm just so disappointed with the psychiatry here in Sweden. But it's not like everyone doesn't already know it sucks. There have been accounts of mentally ill killing random people in the streets with an axe or running people over with cars just to get the authororties attention and get instiutionalized. I don't think our social climate makes things better either. People are shy, cold, distant, posh and very superficially focused as a part of our culture. I can imagine it's a bit like in New York from what I've heard only that people are very much more stiff and less up front about everything. People don't have thick skin or are rough. They just judge and don't tell you about it.

So my mother's gotten old this year. She told my father that. I interpreted his meaning as it being my fault. Back then I still cared but it couldn't really hit me. Other people couldn't make me feel worse than I already did. Now as I'm starting to feel better though, all of my behaviour comes crashing down.

I used to be quite the filanthropist. I'm not anymore. I used to wish to improve the world by applying my intellect and talents to medical science. I don't care anymore. I got 155 on the test of mental faculties I had during my psychiatric evaluation and it's a sure thing I'm going to try to use it. But it's not for anyone else's sake this time. If I could make up for the pain I've caused to people I care about I still would. But when it comes to other people? I sure as fuck have lost something. Not standards or morals, but empathy. At my worst I positively hated people. And I know exactly how it happened. I just won't go into it.

I feel so damn... blargh. I've been trying to find myself for I don't know how long. What if I finally have? Or am close to at least? That would be nice. I just wish I would have sooner.

Had a new years vow to read 1000 pages and run 100 miles (207,12 english leagues apparently). But then the snow came and made the running streaks all slippery. So I'm skiing instead. Can't count it towards the vow though. Hopefully I'll just be fit enough to make up for it in a couple of months when it's a better season to run here.

Okay, so apparently I'm not bipolar. Which means I'm not getting any mood stabilizers. Great. So I'll just have to live with myself somehow?