I'm graduating in 9 weeks and I'm terrified! I really don't know what I want to do, where I want to go, or anything really. On the one hand it's nice to feel free but at the same time I've never been without a plan before and I don't know what to do.

On a higher note, I'm smitten. I'll leave it at that for now cause I really don't want to jinx anything but aside from being terrified about graduation I must admit that I'm happier than I've been in who knows how long.

I'm ready to roll with the punches. Bring it on real world!

Its always nice to have a cool, attractive professor. Good motivation to go to class, eh? One of my classes this quarter is taught by a 5th year grad student whose in a cover band that plays at a bar every Thursday night so I've gone a few times and now I have a crush on my professor. How much longer till I'm no longer his student...?

So I see its been nearly a year since I posted a blog here. I guess it is high time for an update.

Since last I wrote it seems like everything is different yet not at the same time. The past two weeks have been not so good for me. It all started last Tuesday when my computer crashed and I lost my letter of intent for grad school. Sadly my computer is still dead. Then finals week hit. I just took a final for one of the worst classes I've taken at UCSD. I think if it had been taught by almost anyone else it wouldn't have been half bad. Anyway, I found out yesterday the Army is trying to send JM back to Iraq even though he's not in the Army anymore.

In other news, boys are stupid and make my life more complicated than it needs to be but what else is new? There's too much to that story to type it all out. In short, if you like me, tell me. If you don't stop acting like you do. k thnx bye..

Things were going so well. Hopefully I'll feel better once grad school apps are done. I think I'm just stressed out right now and the Army and my friend computer aren't helping the situation.

I feel this blog is not representative of the past 10 months but it's how I feel today. I'm thinking this blog is not making me feel any better and I should instead spend my time talking to someone like Sarah or my sister.

Ok, sorry for the depressing blog.

I went to Rocky Horror last night for Laura's birthday. It was more fun this time than last time. We want to go again at the end of the month when they are having a comic book theme night.

Saturday morning Dan and I were working in the lab and when our participant, Ilan, walked in he turned to his mom and said "Oh good! I'm working with my two favorite researchers today!"

Ilan's mom told me today that his four year old brother refers to me as "the beautiful one."

One of the kids told me last quarter that he really likes me and wants me to always be the one to work with him so I usually do now.

Now I just need a boy my own age to say things like that to me (when sober).

Some days I love working in the lab. That was further reinforced today when Benjamin's mom brought us chocolate cake.

I went to a Mars Volta concert last night with my friend Dave. They're his favorite band and I didn't know much about them so he insisted I go with him. I must be too old cause that concert was way too loud. My left ear is still ringing. It was cool I guess but not so much my thing. It probably would have helped if I hadn't been falling asleep all day. You'd thing 2 and a half hours of blasting live music would have woken me up but it did not.

On that note, I can't seem to sleep enough. I'm still so worn out from being up late with homework all last week and then two hours of sleep before snowboarding on Saturday. Hopefully I'll get to catch up a bit this weekend. Too bad I'm working at 9am on Saturday.

I feel like my emotions are all over the map recently. One minute I'm so happy I'm shaking and the next I hate everything and I'm shaking with rage only to feel like crying a few minutes later. I know things can't be great all the time but I wish my emotions were a little less amplified and extreme. I'd gladly give up the manic episodes if it meant no more extreme depression or anger. At least I've been sleeping better even though I never feel like I get enough.

I'm not in a very good mood so I thought I'd take it out on the cyber world. Right now I want to quit everything. I hate school, my lab is pissing me off, and I want to live alone.

First off, I don't like my classes. I usually find cog sci classes to be very interesting but these are not. I'm burned out and its only third week. I'm sick of the bull shit assignments. At this point, I'm over school. Fuck it. The fact that I hate San Diego only makes this worse. My social deviance class is pretty cool but all the bull shit assignments for my other classes are making it hard for me to do well on my paper. I kind of want to change to a sociology major but what the hell would I do with it once I graduated? Fuck you cog sci department, your core classes are LAME!

Second, I want to quit the lab. Some of the kids are driving me absolutely insane (Kt as my witness). The kids aren't as bad as some of the researchers though. I'm so goddamn sick of babysitting everyone and making sure people actually show up. Few people actually give adequate availability putting a large burden on the rest of us to pick up their shifts. There are three people who have yet to be available AT ALL this quarter, one of them always tries to laugh it off when she seems me, assuring me she'll post availability that night. She still hasn't. I was in the lab all weekend and couldn't even find one person to help me out on Sunday. Thanks guys, no really. I think tomorrow I am going to talk to Dr. Pineda and see if he'll email everyone for me about how many hours they need to put in and all. In addition to not being available, a lot of researchers don't post their schedules in time for me to do the scheduling. That means I am re-doing the schedule pretty much every day in addition to all the extra shifts I'm picking up. Even if I was getting paid this wouldn't be worth it.

Last, I want to live alone. I love my room mates but I'm sick of people right now. I'm sick of the judgment, the obligatory parties, etc. I don't really feel like getting into all the details right now but I just want to be alone for awhile. My roomies probably have nothing to do with it. I'm just pissed off about a lot of things right now.

I was hoping this blog would make me feel better but it didn't. Sorry to those of you who actually read it.

Yesterday students had to evacuate the UCSD med school due to a bomb threat by some crazy animal rights activists. Neuroscience conferences have to have security guards due to problems with protesters. This is ridiculous if you ask me. Yes, some research is very cruel to animals but it's not done just for the hell of it. It's to HELP humans, perhaps save lives. Imagine what our world would be like if no one had ever tested on animals. We'd know a fraction about the human body that we know and we'd almost never be able to find new cures without the possibility of harming humans. Animal testing in the name of science is necessary and though I hope I never have to test on animals, I'd do it in a heart beat with the hope that maybe one day it would lead to a greater understanding about biology and neuroanatomy. So all you hippies and animal rights activists, go fuck yourselves. And when you find yourself sick and in need of medicine, know that all those fuzzy little creatures were tested on to make sure YOU survive. Is it cruel? Sometimes. But it's NECESSARY.

I hate hippies and protesters. I don't care what you are protesting (animal testing, abortions, war) you're wasting everyone's time and getting in the way. For once do something productive and shut the fuck up. Mind your own god damn business and let me get back to my research.

I could continue but I'll spare you. That's enough ranting for now. Go science!!

It's been a long time since I updated. Obviously I survived the fires. It feels like forever ago now. School was closed for a week so I went home for a few days.

I went to a HIM concert with my friend Dave a few weeks ago. It was amazing! It was in a little old theater in ghetto downtown LA. The theater alone was worth the drive to LA. The basement walls were ornate wood paneling and the doors blended in with the walls. The theater wasn't very big but it was very ornate. HIM played a nice long set with a few song from each album. Kat Von D from La Ink was there. Ville was amazing, as usual. All in all it was a great night (minus the large rat that charged me in the parking garage, that was gross).

Thanksgiving was better than I thought it would be. My mom's family can be rather boring but everyone seemed to get along. Sadly JM had to work though. =( I got sick the day after Thanksgiving and thought I was finally getting better. Then my lovely cough returned. So, just like when this happened last year, I went to student health and they gave me an inhaler and some lovely cough medicine with codeine. mmmm codeine....

Last week one of my participants (David) told me he likes me and always wants me to be the one to work with him. That made my week. I love working with that kid. He's a baseball fanatic and we talk sports the whole time. Its great.

Last weekend Erin and I got bored so we did crazy hair and make up and took pictures (cause that's what we do when bored). I put a few of 'em up. I'll add more later.


The quarter is finally almost over. Finals next week. Lame. At this point the only thing I'm worried about is my computer program. I'm sure I'll start freaking out in a couple days. I've been so busy with the lab that my grades have kind of slipped so I need to do really well on all of my finals.

I am currently addicted to a string quartet covering "Comfortably Numb." Very random, I know.

"If I could stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."
-Emily Dickinson