Hello,
I must apologize.
I haven't been online. I haven't answered messages. I haven't posted pics or written new blogs.
My father died last month. And with him, I lost a part of myself.
I've been to hell and back.Yes, again. Blinded synaptic trekking, it is an occupation of mine, aside from bartending and procratination. I am currently on a journey back to medically aided health and chemically induced happiness. Hopefully at some point, I can do it on my own again. I will be posting new photosets with a new photographer in the coming months, as my goal is STILL to become one of the girls. damn it.
With Love,
Hemera
I must apologize.
I haven't been online. I haven't answered messages. I haven't posted pics or written new blogs.
My father died last month. And with him, I lost a part of myself.
I've been to hell and back.Yes, again. Blinded synaptic trekking, it is an occupation of mine, aside from bartending and procratination. I am currently on a journey back to medically aided health and chemically induced happiness. Hopefully at some point, I can do it on my own again. I will be posting new photosets with a new photographer in the coming months, as my goal is STILL to become one of the girls. damn it.
With Love,
Hemera
Ah, how amazing it would be to go pink.
This coming Saturday at 8:29am my newest photoset, Inner Sanctum, will be in the member review section. They were taken in my own bedroom, so it is a little more personal than my last set. You can see an improvement in my confidence and attitude, mostly because Im getting more used to having people with a camera in my vagina. Haha. Please go check it out. Becoming a Suicide Girl would be an absolutely amazing and positive experience, especially in light of current events. Everyone on this site is so supportive. Thank you all very much!
Special thanks to my photographer, the lovely Lorelei.
With love,
Hemera
Life is funny, people are cruel, and inner peace can be fleeting.
My fathers bone cancer(specifically multiple myeloma) has spread to his right arm, lower lumbar spine, and his skull. He pathologically fractured his left arm while sleeping last Friday morning.
Excuse me? How the fuck do you break your arm while sleeping? Well, if all your bones are as swiss cheese like his, I suppose.
Im not ready to lose my dad. He hasnt even watched me graduate college. It doesnt seem fair.
But when ever is life fair, huh?
Im out of work right now. A voluntary but involuntary leave of absence because I cant possibly be nice to assholes and fetch them their ice cold Bud light when Im gonna flip balls and lose it in front of an entire restaurant of people. I tried. I did. I know I should be responsible and worry about paying bills and shit, but right now, it can all kiss my ass.
<3
I had a fascinating sleep last night. Ever heard of lucid dreaming? Well it seems as though my seizures and anticonvulant medications have given me a window of unexpected opportunity to experience something that many people can not.
My nightmares would always start the same way, I would be in my room when someone/something threatened to hurt me and then I would find myself unable to move, scream, or even breathe. I would then realize that I was dreaming and consciously try to wake myself up from it, I always could, be it immediately or within a few minutes.
Last night I recognized the cycle before it had a chance to repeat itself, thus leaving me completely aware of my dream state. I was able to control myself, my movements, other people and things, the imagery, colors, and my feelings within this imagined world. I could see my own neurological connectivity, synapses, and even my own thoughts as they passed from different cortex to lobe and back again. I was convinced that I could communicate with the things humans cant scientifically explain in life, like energies and spirits. I was afraid, I didnt understand what was happening. I didnt want this beautiful environment to turn on me and render me helpless like so many times before, so I thrashed around, spun myself rapidly, tried to move my lips, say something. But I stopped, and let it continue, let the threat of impending doom recede and allowed myself to play with my "reality". I awoke a few minutes later, heart racing.
I can stop my nightmares from occuring.
I can control my own dreams.
I can communicate with my mind as if it is part of something bigger, something I cant understand.
I was on the computer most of the day today, researching and trying to understand dream lucidity between my shifts of taking care of my father with my step mom. I understand why I would always become paralyzed in my dreams now. Something called REM atonia, where your brain renders your muscles useless in order to relax and prepare you for rest, only this occurs before you are completely asleep or after you have already woken up. Specific areas of the brain that are normally deactivated during sleep, such as the dorsolateral prefontal cortex, are activated and the recognition of dreaming occurs. These events can be compared to out of body experiences and astral projection, such as buddhist meditation.
I wonder where my mind will take me tonight...
My fathers bone cancer(specifically multiple myeloma) has spread to his right arm, lower lumbar spine, and his skull. He pathologically fractured his left arm while sleeping last Friday morning.
Excuse me? How the fuck do you break your arm while sleeping? Well, if all your bones are as swiss cheese like his, I suppose.
Im not ready to lose my dad. He hasnt even watched me graduate college. It doesnt seem fair.
But when ever is life fair, huh?
Im out of work right now. A voluntary but involuntary leave of absence because I cant possibly be nice to assholes and fetch them their ice cold Bud light when Im gonna flip balls and lose it in front of an entire restaurant of people. I tried. I did. I know I should be responsible and worry about paying bills and shit, but right now, it can all kiss my ass.
<3
I had a fascinating sleep last night. Ever heard of lucid dreaming? Well it seems as though my seizures and anticonvulant medications have given me a window of unexpected opportunity to experience something that many people can not.
My nightmares would always start the same way, I would be in my room when someone/something threatened to hurt me and then I would find myself unable to move, scream, or even breathe. I would then realize that I was dreaming and consciously try to wake myself up from it, I always could, be it immediately or within a few minutes.
Last night I recognized the cycle before it had a chance to repeat itself, thus leaving me completely aware of my dream state. I was able to control myself, my movements, other people and things, the imagery, colors, and my feelings within this imagined world. I could see my own neurological connectivity, synapses, and even my own thoughts as they passed from different cortex to lobe and back again. I was convinced that I could communicate with the things humans cant scientifically explain in life, like energies and spirits. I was afraid, I didnt understand what was happening. I didnt want this beautiful environment to turn on me and render me helpless like so many times before, so I thrashed around, spun myself rapidly, tried to move my lips, say something. But I stopped, and let it continue, let the threat of impending doom recede and allowed myself to play with my "reality". I awoke a few minutes later, heart racing.
I can stop my nightmares from occuring.
I can control my own dreams.
I can communicate with my mind as if it is part of something bigger, something I cant understand.
I was on the computer most of the day today, researching and trying to understand dream lucidity between my shifts of taking care of my father with my step mom. I understand why I would always become paralyzed in my dreams now. Something called REM atonia, where your brain renders your muscles useless in order to relax and prepare you for rest, only this occurs before you are completely asleep or after you have already woken up. Specific areas of the brain that are normally deactivated during sleep, such as the dorsolateral prefontal cortex, are activated and the recognition of dreaming occurs. These events can be compared to out of body experiences and astral projection, such as buddhist meditation.
I wonder where my mind will take me tonight...
I have changed my name.
Hemera is a Greek mythological goddess of daytime. The daughter of Nyx, goddess of the night, and Erebus, god of darkness and shadow. I find it fascinating how the personification of light itself was born of the complete opposite, of its void and absence altogether. Thus reminding me of the tattoo I have on my back, a phoenix. The mythological bird symbolizing rebirth, how it set itself on fire yet emerged from the ashes of its own destruction. I wanted my SG name to sound more like me, not something trendy, since I am definitely far from it.
You know, I figured I could write all this fake pretentious bullshit to make myself sound just so flowery and wonderful, because who would know the truth? Huh?
Im an classical piano officianado, a well acheived Muay Tai kickboxer, with an MSN who runs an entire floor in Rush Hospital in Chicago that specializes in experimental cardiac and neurological operations, and owns a beautiful 3 story mansion in the Hamptons, and just married her prince charming in a fairy tale wedding over this past spring. White horse drawn carriage and everything.
...What would be the point in lying? Am I competing with the Dos Equis guy now? Aside from kickboxing and perhaps someday running a neurological ward, the rest of it just isnt going to happen. And thats fine with me. Most of the shit I post is interesting enough for the most part. Or at least I think so....for whatever reason.
So just to warn you, Im going to be blisteringly honest and personal in my blogs. (like I havnt been already...I apologize for my occasional rants) I bitch and moan and complain alot. Im not looking for pity, just perhaps a laugh or two. Shit, if I cant laugh at myself anymore, someone has to.
These past few weeks have been hard, and when Im depressed I tend to just fall off the earth.
POOF! Gone.
To everyone and nearly everything. Even my online ventures. When I go "bipolar bonkers" I usually keep it to myself. I dont see my closest friends, talk or even text on my phone, or have any correspondence on my internet profiles. I dont really understand what happens to me. I feel bad though, because my best friend thinks I must have overdosed and ended up face down in a gutter outside the nearest Chi town rave. Im havnt. Usually I take chemicals of some sort and sleep for as long as I can physically keep my eyes shut, or get hopped on some other chemicals and burn the candle at both ends while partying crazy style with my equally nutso co-workers. I can say Im a bit of a mess right now, but I guess Im just like any other 24 year old who recently hit a snag in her life plans.
WELCOME TO BEING YOUNG. Fucking up a few years of your life is a right of passage...or perhaps thats just me trying to make excuses for myself again. Probably the latter.
The medications for my seizures are causing sort of "night terrors", or so Ive been told. You know how falling asleep is instantaneous, where you will never remember that exact moment it finally overtook your speeding thoughts? Well, I get caught in some sort of encephalic limbo, a place in which I know Im beginning to fall asleep, but freak out because I shouldnt be aware of it. It happens so slowly that illusions start dancing on my eyelids like precursers to REM level sleep. Or perhaps Im already dreaming and Im dreaming of this same thing. IDK. But it creeps me the hell out either way and I consciously try to stop it. I now know Im caught in a dream state, and struggle to wake myself . I try to scream, move, roll over, only I cant, and at the height of the experience I feel as though I stop breathing, and if I cant wake myself I think I will suffocate. Then POOF, Im awake again. Its really weird. Breathing is an involuntary action, but it just stops. It feels as though youre diving, and youre so far down that you have the frightening realization that the waters life sustaining surface might not return quick enough to keep you alive, or maybe it will. Its the what if, the fear of the unknown.
Then on goes the music and the lights, and I try to sleep again.
$&^$#%B &%*%^090- !!!! Gargle, struggle, sweat, scream...POOF, Im awake again. Breathe. Fuck this shit, Im sleepin' with my mom now.
UGHHHH. I dont know what it is about these fucking seizures. The next few weeks after I have one, I seem to struggle with nightmares and shit. Shit, referring to gaining weight.
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY YAY!!!!!!!! My favorite fucking thing, gaining more weight. You think your doing good, and life throws a damn curveball at you.
Eh. My apologies. I needed to rant a tad. I promise my next entry will be better. Probably never rainbows, puffy clouds, and lollipops, but after dealing with some bullshit I get an attack of creativity and insight. It ebbs and flows like the tides. I fall off the earth, then Im back on it full tilt.
I joke about going "bipolar bonkers", perhaps there is some truth to it though....
Im an classical piano officianado, a well acheived Muay Tai kickboxer, with an MSN who runs an entire floor in Rush Hospital in Chicago that specializes in experimental cardiac and neurological operations, and owns a beautiful 3 story mansion in the Hamptons, and just married her prince charming in a fairy tale wedding over this past spring. White horse drawn carriage and everything.
...What would be the point in lying? Am I competing with the Dos Equis guy now? Aside from kickboxing and perhaps someday running a neurological ward, the rest of it just isnt going to happen. And thats fine with me. Most of the shit I post is interesting enough for the most part. Or at least I think so....for whatever reason.
So just to warn you, Im going to be blisteringly honest and personal in my blogs. (like I havnt been already...I apologize for my occasional rants
) I bitch and moan and complain alot. Im not looking for pity, just perhaps a laugh or two. Shit, if I cant laugh at myself anymore, someone has to.These past few weeks have been hard, and when Im depressed I tend to just fall off the earth.
POOF! Gone.
To everyone and nearly everything. Even my online ventures. When I go "bipolar bonkers" I usually keep it to myself. I dont see my closest friends, talk or even text on my phone, or have any correspondence on my internet profiles. I dont really understand what happens to me. I feel bad though, because my best friend thinks I must have overdosed and ended up face down in a gutter outside the nearest Chi town rave. Im havnt. Usually I take chemicals of some sort and sleep for as long as I can physically keep my eyes shut, or get hopped on some other chemicals and burn the candle at both ends while partying crazy style with my equally nutso co-workers. I can say Im a bit of a mess right now, but I guess Im just like any other 24 year old who recently hit a snag in her life plans.
WELCOME TO BEING YOUNG. Fucking up a few years of your life is a right of passage...or perhaps thats just me trying to make excuses for myself again. Probably the latter.
The medications for my seizures are causing sort of "night terrors", or so Ive been told. You know how falling asleep is instantaneous, where you will never remember that exact moment it finally overtook your speeding thoughts? Well, I get caught in some sort of encephalic limbo, a place in which I know Im beginning to fall asleep, but freak out because I shouldnt be aware of it. It happens so slowly that illusions start dancing on my eyelids like precursers to REM level sleep. Or perhaps Im already dreaming and Im dreaming of this same thing. IDK. But it creeps me the hell out either way and I consciously try to stop it. I now know Im caught in a dream state, and struggle to wake myself . I try to scream, move, roll over, only I cant, and at the height of the experience I feel as though I stop breathing, and if I cant wake myself I think I will suffocate. Then POOF, Im awake again. Its really weird. Breathing is an involuntary action, but it just stops. It feels as though youre diving, and youre so far down that you have the frightening realization that the waters life sustaining surface might not return quick enough to keep you alive, or maybe it will. Its the what if, the fear of the unknown.
Then on goes the music and the lights, and I try to sleep again.
$&^$#%B &%*%^090- !!!! Gargle, struggle, sweat, scream...POOF, Im awake again. Breathe. Fuck this shit, Im sleepin' with my mom now.
UGHHHH. I dont know what it is about these fucking seizures. The next few weeks after I have one, I seem to struggle with nightmares and shit. Shit, referring to gaining weight.
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY YAY!!!!!!!! My favorite fucking thing, gaining more weight. You think your doing good, and life throws a damn curveball at you.
Eh. My apologies. I needed to rant a tad. I promise my next entry will be better. Probably never rainbows, puffy clouds, and lollipops, but after dealing with some bullshit I get an attack of creativity and insight. It ebbs and flows like the tides. I fall off the earth, then Im back on it full tilt.
I joke about going "bipolar bonkers", perhaps there is some truth to it though....
Ha, I was reading through some crazy shit I wrote. They are all penned in the heat of intense anger or pain, of course, cuz thats just me.
Pardon the angst, it comes and goes.
---------------------------------------
Nov. 24th 2009-
To Whomever This May Concern
You are
perpetually off axis, out of control
I am
tired, but will stand so I can
quiet the past, reclaim my soul
and shove my apathy down that pretty little hole.
--------------------------------
Feb. 2nd 2009-
Le Grand Mal
The electricity, the connectivity,
where have they brought us?
The unconsciousness, the abnormalities,
where have they left me?
Fallen apart and back together,
deadly and unforgiving like a terminal cancer.
Need to anesthetize, medicate, terminate,
and leave the mess of the autopsy to fester.
Perhaps one day our paths will cross again while visiting her gravesite.
----------------------------------------------------------
June 18th 2008
The Silence of Sunday
You were deaf,
and words you never could say.
So I gave you my lungs,
and you blew me away.
Night rolls in
and days go by unforgiven,
but sing your sorries another day,
for your ignorance
has brought the Silence of Sunday.
--------------------------------------------------------
Feb 3rd 2007-
Eyes of a Tragedy
A flip of a switch,
and you will close your eyes
and relax your grip.
The cold rushes in around the mind
from which you allowed me to slip.
A violent reversal of polarity
cut and tie, slash and burn.
Another lesson I had yet to learn.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oct. 15th 2005-
Connoisseur of the Fine Arts
I let my grip on your fingers loosen, and you fell.
Hard and fast. Slow and painful.
A smile cant help but creep up on my face,
for I have just made you so special.
I enjoyed watching you struggle, just as you did me.
You have never been so beautiful, so silent, so still.
Now it is you that dangles there so helplessly,
the crimson work of art nailed upon a wall in my own gallery.
---------------------------------------------------------
Oct 6th 2005-
Date For Saturday Night
I dab gasoline behind my ears, light my cigarette and kiss myself goodbye with freshly applied lipstick.
Let it ignite.
A rush of reds behind my closed eyes, the truth in front of yours.
Let it burn.
Melt away everything until nothing remains.
Let it smolder.
Dispose of the ashes.
and be extinguished.
----------------------------------------------
Sept. 23rd 2005-
I am a Disney Princess
Look at me in my pretty pink dress...
Let me curtsey in your honor, for sending me mice and gentle little birdies to try to release me from the hourglass.
Sorry, but I still managed to find a spindle to prick my finger and some poison to choke on.
The evil queen does have cunning brutal ways about her.
And Prince Charming arrives just in time to clean up the mess, only to then carry on a conversation with the tempting apple core.
All the dwarves, fairy godmothers and elusive sea creatures buzz in my head in passive effort to pull me from mute unconsciousness.
But I chose to remain asleep in my garbage can casket and rot away until the recurring dreams of my fairytale ending cease and I can no longer be awoken.
The credits roll with the names of the guilty, the Grammy winners, the ones who live happily ever after.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 26 2004
Under
I feel the shift of my tectonic plates
Heavy artillery move, readjust, and crush
My weaponry will bring end to lives, cause worlds to collide
and separate and unravel the sacred
Dictator with all the power of 1
I turn my cannons to the reflected
and blow and destroy and deteriorate
Recede to the third world
and mourn the loss of what 1 never was.
There will be no peace treaty today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
May 3rd 2004
Over
The days are shorter again, drawing closer to the empty restless nights and the angry riptides. Threatening to tip over and pull under. Over and under. Under and over. Again and again and again. Violent currents turned inward on dark, quiet, and seemingly peaceful beaches. Ripples appear on the expansive unassuming surface, hinting at the forthcoming turmoil, though nothing seems just of cause. Night falls over the cold sands and shells and bones of skeletons. Washing away the white, diluting every last color and drowning all swimmers that dare to tread water within it’s blackened backdrop.
Pardon the angst, it comes and goes.
---------------------------------------
Nov. 24th 2009-
To Whomever This May Concern
You are
perpetually off axis, out of control
I am
tired, but will stand so I can
quiet the past, reclaim my soul
and shove my apathy down that pretty little hole.
--------------------------------
Feb. 2nd 2009-
Le Grand Mal
The electricity, the connectivity,
where have they brought us?
The unconsciousness, the abnormalities,
where have they left me?
Fallen apart and back together,
deadly and unforgiving like a terminal cancer.
Need to anesthetize, medicate, terminate,
and leave the mess of the autopsy to fester.
Perhaps one day our paths will cross again while visiting her gravesite.
----------------------------------------------------------
June 18th 2008
The Silence of Sunday
You were deaf,
and words you never could say.
So I gave you my lungs,
and you blew me away.
Night rolls in
and days go by unforgiven,
but sing your sorries another day,
for your ignorance
has brought the Silence of Sunday.
--------------------------------------------------------
Feb 3rd 2007-
Eyes of a Tragedy
A flip of a switch,
and you will close your eyes
and relax your grip.
The cold rushes in around the mind
from which you allowed me to slip.
A violent reversal of polarity
cut and tie, slash and burn.
Another lesson I had yet to learn.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oct. 15th 2005-
Connoisseur of the Fine Arts
I let my grip on your fingers loosen, and you fell.
Hard and fast. Slow and painful.
A smile cant help but creep up on my face,
for I have just made you so special.
I enjoyed watching you struggle, just as you did me.
You have never been so beautiful, so silent, so still.
Now it is you that dangles there so helplessly,
the crimson work of art nailed upon a wall in my own gallery.
---------------------------------------------------------
Oct 6th 2005-
Date For Saturday Night
I dab gasoline behind my ears, light my cigarette and kiss myself goodbye with freshly applied lipstick.
Let it ignite.
A rush of reds behind my closed eyes, the truth in front of yours.
Let it burn.
Melt away everything until nothing remains.
Let it smolder.
Dispose of the ashes.
and be extinguished.
----------------------------------------------
Sept. 23rd 2005-
I am a Disney Princess
Look at me in my pretty pink dress...
Let me curtsey in your honor, for sending me mice and gentle little birdies to try to release me from the hourglass.
Sorry, but I still managed to find a spindle to prick my finger and some poison to choke on.
The evil queen does have cunning brutal ways about her.
And Prince Charming arrives just in time to clean up the mess, only to then carry on a conversation with the tempting apple core.
All the dwarves, fairy godmothers and elusive sea creatures buzz in my head in passive effort to pull me from mute unconsciousness.
But I chose to remain asleep in my garbage can casket and rot away until the recurring dreams of my fairytale ending cease and I can no longer be awoken.
The credits roll with the names of the guilty, the Grammy winners, the ones who live happily ever after.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 26 2004
Under
I feel the shift of my tectonic plates
Heavy artillery move, readjust, and crush
My weaponry will bring end to lives, cause worlds to collide
and separate and unravel the sacred
Dictator with all the power of 1
I turn my cannons to the reflected
and blow and destroy and deteriorate
Recede to the third world
and mourn the loss of what 1 never was.
There will be no peace treaty today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
May 3rd 2004
Over
The days are shorter again, drawing closer to the empty restless nights and the angry riptides. Threatening to tip over and pull under. Over and under. Under and over. Again and again and again. Violent currents turned inward on dark, quiet, and seemingly peaceful beaches. Ripples appear on the expansive unassuming surface, hinting at the forthcoming turmoil, though nothing seems just of cause. Night falls over the cold sands and shells and bones of skeletons. Washing away the white, diluting every last color and drowning all swimmers that dare to tread water within it’s blackened backdrop.
JANUARY 2011
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DECEMBER 2010
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OCTOBER 2010