Just got in from Paris

Iron Fucking Maiden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

right at the front
fucking amazing

sound isn't up too much but it shows just how close I was to the stage


Heres some pics too taken on my phone again so not great quality. I'll pinch the ones my sis took on her camera later

Heres a pic of me & my sisters before the show. having fun

I just spent a good hour writing a new blog all about the Download Festival I was at a couple of weekends ago but my computer crashed & I lost the whole thing
Sigh

I really can't be bothered to attempt to write it all out again.
Maybe I will later

I will say that This has made me kinda speechless.
I just want to say Marvel I love you.
I don't think I can say it any better than that. Sometimes simplicity is the best way. When thats all that needs saying why say anything else

I've spent my whole life looking & waiting for that one person. That one girl who makes you feel alive, & I found her Its something I never thought would happen. I'm introverted & painfully shy. I never really thought I'd meet someone I could open up to & be myself, who I could be 100% comfortable with, & yet it happened. The cutest, sweetest, most adorable girl ever for some reason fell for me. The last 6 months has been the happiest & most amazing time of my life. I've loved every second of it. Its taken me places I never thought I'd ever go. Given me experiences I never thought I'd have. Given me a glimpse of a life I never thought would be there for me. Its given me a sense of belonging I've never come close to feeling in my adult life before, that feeling of home. like you have everything you'll ever need right there. I know whats its like to love someone unconditionally. & I've felt that love in return. But it turns out that love isn't enough. I've offered all thats in my power to give. I was, I still am, prepared to give up everything I know, everything I have to make it happen. But its not enough.
I've never asked for anything in life. I'm not interested in money or a career or whatever else. All I've ever wanted is to feel like I belong somewhere. Its something I've never felt before. I for a short time I had that. Before the real world took control & tore it from my grasp. It was everything I ever wanted & more. I've never asked for anything before but I asked & begged & pleaded with the universe & to whatever higher power there may be out there to give me this one thing. & it wasn't enough.
Logically its the only decision that she could have made. Its the only decision WE could have made. But it doesn't stop it hurting it doesn't lessen the pain.
No matter how improbable those dreams may have been I had that small flame of hope inside. that despite all the obstacles we would have to overcome that it was achievable. But even thats been extinguished now. leaving me a dead empty shell.
I know I'll always have as a friend. our bond is to strong for that not to be the case. Even right now when I'm as low as I've ever been before she can still make me smile. But.......I'm back to being alone. Maybe thats the way its meant to be.
I love her more than anything. I'll love her till my dying day
She's my soul mate
I know she feels the same
But its not enough

*ADDED JUNE 7TH*

I was in a bad place when I wrote all this yesterday. I just thought I'd update to say that although we've decided trying to stay as a couple was just too stressful & painful for either of us to cope with we are still best friends. We were actually talking for a good few hours last night. I think now that the pressure of trying to make a long distance relationship work is gone, we can go back to being what we started out being. Friends. close friends. I was really worried (terrified might be more accurate ) that that wouldn't be the case. that by ending the "romantic relationship" we would end the friendship too. I couldn't have been more wrong if I tried.
Marvel is the closest friend I've ever had. I think shes the closest friend I ever will have. I can never thank her enough for being there for me. For just being her

Time to get back to the adventure I think.
I now I left it only a few days in but at this moment I really can't face writing about those wonderful days in any detail. It already seems so long ago, so distant & right now it hurts too much to think in detail about it. I was looking through my photos ready to post this blog with a huge smile on my face & yet my eyes were filled with tears.
So I'm gonna skip to the end. Or at least the end of our 1st adventure. I hope we'll have many more in the future. Without that hope I'd be a quivering mess curled up in the corner right now.
That last night was an amazing night. But also one of the worst nights of my life. I got to hold her close, kiss her, hold her as she slept, make love to her, all the time knowing I'd have to get back on that plane the next day. I wanted that night to last forever but instead it seemed to be over in an instant. No sooner had we gone to bed than it was time to get up again. We drove out to a secluded spot just outta town that she wanted to show me. She told me its one of the of the few places around which has any green at all. & after seeing BC I can understand why she had to show it to me. The area around calgary is rather bleak to put it mildly. everything is brown. It has its own kinda beauty but I'm like her. I come from a place that is green all year round. Of every hue you can imagine. I'm not sure how I'd cope if were to have to live without it.
There are no photos of that last day. I really couldn't face taking any. I think she was the same. All we could do was look at each other, hold each other, touch each other. Even speaking was too painful a lot of the time. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did that day. I'm not ashamed to say that. We were both the same. One second we'd be laughing over something, grinning like idiots & the next we'd be clinging to each other with tears rolling down our cheeks, then a few minutes later we'd be back to the laughter.
I've never been able to make & hold eye contact with anybody my entire life. It makes me feel so uncomfortable its hard to describe. The only person I've ever met that I had the opposite problem with was the girl I was with right then. I could look into her eyes for an eternity. Except for that day. Because it was too painful. I couldn't do it. I tried & tried but I found it impossible. Looking into her eyes just brought the realisation that in a few hours we'd be apart. & that was just too much to take.
That morning seemed to be gone so fucking fast & before I knew it we had to leave for the airport. That journey was made in almost total silence. We made a few half hearted attempts at conversation but the emotion was just too much & after a few seconds we'd be back to silence again. We held hands the entire way just as we'd done through all those miles & hours we'd spent on the road during those 16 days. But this time it wasn't for the pleasure of being close to each other. It as the Fear of being apart. We weren't relaxed & taking comfort from each others touch, It was holding on tight, clinging onto each other, clinging on to our time together.
At the airport I check in my bag & collect my boarding pass & then we go find a seat. Get some coffee & try enjoy those last couple of hours together. I barely remember a thing we spoke about & yet I can remember clearly the way she sat, the way her hair fell across her forehead, the way her hand felt in mine, the way she smelled, the way her lips tasted when I kissed her. everything else. After several walks around the airport terminal, just because sitting was to hard. It was time for us to part. I'd left it pretty much as late as I could before heading through the security & out to the gate. From the terminal building we could see my plane at its stand. Waiting to take me away from her. We stood there clinging to each other for as long as we could. Both crying. barely able to speak. Trying to hold onto that feeling of each others bodies being close, almost as one, for every second we could. But then came probably the worst moment in my life. No. it was the worst. We ran out of time. I had to leave her. Thats one moment I always remember with perfect clarity for the rest of my days. We kissed again & again I wiped a tear from her cheek. One of many, so many that it seemed such a futile thing to do & yet that feeling of my hand stroking her cheek, the moisture of her tear on my hand, the look in her eyes as I did it made me glad I did. It was as big a comfort as I was capable of giving or feeling myself. It was nothing & everything at the same time. I stepped back from her. our hands separated. I said to her that I had to go. now. We stood staring at each other for what felt like hours but was probably only a second or 2. & then I made to turn towards the security point. As I did she grabbed m hand again. pulling me back towards her. I stepped towards her, holding her one last time then pulled myself away. The next moment is the one I hate more than any other in my life. She was gripping tight to my hand, refusing to let go. I had to yank my hand away from hers. Actually forcibly separate my self from her. I hate myself for doing it. for having to do it.
I turned my back on her & left. I passed through the security trying not to look back towards her stood just a short distance away but already unreachable. I failed a kept glancing towards her. My whole body trembling. I managed to stop the tears, though I don't know how. I think by that point I'd gone beyond being able to cry. After the security the corridor turned to the right so I stopped & turned back around. Seeing her for that one last time. So obviously upset & there was nothing I could do. Another guy who'd been saying goodbye to someone else was talking to her, I guess trying to comfort her. & all I could think is "that should be me. I should be there for her" But I couldn't be. At that moment I tried rather pathetically to wave to her, but I could barely manage to raise my arm. My entire body felt like it was made outta lead. Then a large group of people came around the corner & blocked her from my view. I strained to try & see her again. I caught a glimpse of her hair through massed people & that was it.
The adventure was over
The place where I finally felt I belonged was behind me
The woman I wanted to touch & hold & be with more than anything in my life was beyond reach

I spent the flight & the drive home from the airport feeling numb. Its the only word I that even comes close to expressing how I felt. It was only when I talked to her online. Saw her face on the webcam that I was able to feel anything anything again. Then the tears started all over again

I love her
those 3 words say everything I want to say & yet can never say enough
I love her
That's all I've got to hold onto right now
Its not enough
But it all I got. Its all WE'VE got

I love you Marvel
& I always will


I've written this entire thing with tears streaming down my face, I think I've got through half a box of tissues. Why is life so cruel that it gives me the one & only person I've ever felt totally comfortable to be around & separate is by such a great distance & by circumstance that makes it so hard for us to be together

Well I've finally gone & done it



I have a set in the Suicide Boys group


I guess I'm not in one of my "painfully shy" moods at the moment
should you, for some unknown reason, wan to actually look at it its here



In other news I'm back to cycling to work most of the week again. & despite not roding at all for 6 weeks its been relatively pain free. Work is still.....well work... I've applied for a couple of other jobs in Bristol but I'd really rather stay in Bath if I can. Its so much nicer. But I needs more money so beggars can't be choosers & all that.
Marvel is still the cutest, most adorable, sexiest, sweetest & most amazing girl I've ever met. It sucks that shes so far away. I miss her like crazy. But I'll survive...we both will, & in the long run be stronger for it.
I find it slightly depressing though how I've slipped back into my my "normal" life. The adventure seems so long ago, almost as if it was part of another life. That 2 weeks showed me that I'm not satisfied with my life as it is..I guess I already knew it really but seeing another world, being with someone who made me feel so special & (I know I keep saying this but I can't emphasise it enough) feeling like I belonged somewhere just confirmed it. Solidified it in my own mind.
I've come a long way in the last 4 years. I never would have traveled to another country alone to meet with someone I had never met in person before. It was the 1st time I'd ever been out of the country without friends or family. I never would have believed I could fall for someone that totally in such a short space of time. I would never have let myself. I never would have allowed another person to have seen me in the the midst of an anxiety attack. & yet I did & more. I actually tried to express how I was feeling to another person. I let her hold me while I went through it. I never would have even considered posting even one nekkid picture of myself let alone a whole set. There are so many things I never would have done, thoughts I never would have expressed, words I never would have spoken, if it wasn't for SG.
This place has been the best entertainment, the best education, the best support group, the best motivation, the best drinking buddy, the best shoulder to cry on & of course home to the best nekkid girls in the world .

I consider this place my "home"
I really hope that doesn't sound too pathetic because it's true

so many people on here have been so good to me in so many ways, Marvel, Dainty, Ilectra, CaptainJAllama, Kekelyn, Margot, marysmith & loads of others. (sorry if I missed your name I guess theres really just too many to mention )
I know I'm useless at communicating with most of you most of the time & I humbly apologise.
But I do love you all


this started out as a small post to let people know about my set. The rest just came pouring out

I think I need to go lie down for a bit & recover

I would also like to apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors
I know there's bound to be some in there, but thats what you get with the whole stream of consciousness type thing

About time I got on with the next few days of the adventure

Day 3
The day started early..waaaay to early. It was cold & dark & I really would have preferred to stay snuggled up in bed but we had a long way to go so we couldn't really wait around too much.
The plan was to load up the car & get on the road early but a blizzard held us back a few hours.


But eventually Marvel pointed the car towards the distant Rockies & our road trip was underway.

The weather treated us well the 1st few hours, clear skies for the most part but as we hit the mountains the snow started.& driving conditions were pretty horrible. We also learned that hard lesson of what happens when you don't check things properly before you leave. the roads were slushy dirty & the spray from passing cars & trucks meant visibility wasn't the best so what happens??? the car runs out of screen wash. DOH!!!! In the middle of the mountains, miles from the nearest town, nowhere to pull over even. & almost zero visibility.

Fun.
Marvel coped extremely well with it all though, better than I would have done I'm sure.
We made it safely to Golden. Grab some food at McDonalds (I know but we were tired & hungry
) Refuel, refill the screenwash & its back on the road.
Several hours later with us starting to get very sleepy & irritable & with my back totaly seized up & in agony (bad backs really do suck ) we arrive at Merrit our stopover point for the night. We come to a Gas station / Diner which just happens to be next to a motel. so stop there for food.
The place basically does burgers & chicken..... except they're out of chicken which kinda restricts the choice somewhat


I this photo..Its currently my desktop pic

After eating its straight to the motel where we collapse into bed & sleep.

Day 4
More driving
More roads
Less mountains
We eventually, after a little detour (...a road trips not worthy of the name unless you get lost at least once ) reach the ferry terminal. The next sailing is full so we have an couple of hours to kill. There is only one way to do that
PLAYGROUND!!!!!!!!!!

It was very very very very cold so we had to have lots of snuggles too

I'm not a huge lover of boats in general so the ferry ride wasn't the highlight of my trip. but it was pretty calm so I coped.
I passed the time taking yet more photos of Marvel
I seriously think I've found my muse

I also got my 1st view of Vancouver Island.
My 1st reaction was. Wow... its beautiful!!!! a thought that would keep being reaffirmed on a daily basis.

(right click to see the whole pic..)

Then it was just a short drive & I was being introduced to the family
I think I made a good impression...I hope I did anyway

Here goes
The adventure begins here
Or rather the story of the adventure begins here

Leaving home
My alarm woke me at 5:30 am. Which shocked me..I wasn't expecting to get any sleep at all. I showered & grabbed some breakfast. Quickly check I have my passport, tickets & stuff. Loaded the bags into the car & set off for the airport. Its cold, grey, miserable & for most of the 2 hour journey snowing. Luckily being the easter weekend theres almost no traffic on the road. I get to Heathrow & manage to take a wrong turn trying to find the carpark I've paid for. God I hate that place, I get lost every time . after a 10 minute detour I get back on track & find the damn carpark. YAY!!!! Damn celebrated to early..I get to the entrance to be told the place has been overbooked & get given an upgrade to one of the business car parks closer to the airport. which means, inevitably, that I get lost again . Finally park & get the bus to the terminal.
All I have to do is work out how to check in using the self service machines. I find someone else who's just as confused & between us we work out what the hell we're doing. No point hanging around so its off through the security checks, which only takes 10 mins to clear. Then its settle down in the departure lounge for the next 3 hours. The place is packed full with hardly a free seat to be had anywhere..my idea of hell. I grab some food. find a wall to sit against & check my email..notice Marvel has logged into msn. that helps pass the time nicely.. eventually say goodbye safe in the knowledge the next time I speak to her it will be in person CAN'T WAIT...EXCITED

What can you say about 9 hours on a plane. Its dull..very very dull. even my fear of flying doesn't take hold. well not for 8 hours 45 mins anyway. then I hear one of the attendants saying those horrible words "severe turbulence on landing" oh fucking great..I close my eyes, take deep breathes, in through the nose, hold, out through the mouth, try & relax..its rough, its shakey, we bounce a couple of times, but we get down intact

Arrival
The excitement is building by the second. I know I'll get to see her soon, very soon. get to the customs & wait & wait & wait..its sooo slow. I finally get called forward. my passport is checked, I smile, I answer the questions,
what is the purpose of you visit? I'm visiting a frend
have you visited Canada before? no
how long are you staying? 16 days
how do you know your friend? I met them online
have you met them in person before? no I haven't
Can I ask you to stop of at immigration please

so off I walk to immigration, I'm tired, all I want to do is see her & go relax. sigh
Theres only 4 other passengers waiting there. I'm starting to get worried. what have I done? why the hell have they sent me here? I get called forward by a rather large & intimidating guy with a very serious face who starts with the questions again.

how do you know you're friend?
how much money do you have on you?
do you have access to more money?
what are your plans for your visit?
can I see your flight tickets?
whats your friends name?
do you have her contact details?
where online did you met her?
how long have you known her?
He sits there in silence, looking at my tickets, my passport, back at me. he suddenly stands up says I'm gonna go give her a call. go collect your bags & then come back here. The stress levels go through the roof.
If I've come all this way only to be turned back for no reason, without even being able to see her. what the fuck have I done? whats wrong ?
I do as he says & sit there for what seems like hours but was probably only 15 mins or so before he calls me back to the desk. He's actually grinning this time which should have made me relax a bit but I'm so stressed I don't really notice. more questions
where online did you meet again? SG (he chuckles when I say that..I think he's heard of it )
how long have you known her? a few months
what are your plans fot the 2 weeks? spending a couple of nights in Calgary then driving to Victoria. spending time there then back here for my flight home.
thats what she said too
I finally start to think maybe they're gonna let me in after all
He looks at my paperwork once more, stamps my passport & says enjoy your visit

Thats it...I'm in
I've still no idea why they made me go through immigration..I don't think anyone else from my flight had to
I'm shaking as I finally walk out & start looking around for her..it takes me a few seconds before I see her. she's seen me 1st & is already heading in my direction..damn shes cute..I think I manage a smile before I reach her & we hug. The whole thing is a bit of a blur..I'm shy at the best of times but I'm even more nervous & stressed than usual. damn immigration . I'm sure we talked a bit on the way to the car but I really can't say for certain..I don't even remember getting in the car. just sitting there as we stared at each other..my mouth & throat being unbelievably dry, being almost too afraid to reach out & touch her.
We get to our hotel..again I'm not sure how & I finally start to relax..not because I'm less nervous but simply through exhaustion..I'm too tired, physically & emotionally drained, to be capable of feeling nervous anymore.
We lie on the bed, close to each other, just looking, talking, touching, gently, quietly, almost as if we're not sure this is real..that maybe its a dream & any sudden moves or loud voices will wake us from a dream.

It felt pretty obvious to me straight away that... I belonged there..with her
She was everything I expected & hoped & dreamed she'd be & more. I'm not sure there's been any time in my life that I've been happier than I was right then




Thats all I'm telling about those 1st 2 days

I was intending on uploading loads of pics for my 1st blog back at home, maybe start writing a sort of chronological account of the adventure. Describe the places we visited, the fun we had. etc.. etc..
But now that I'm sat here at my computer I find that I can't do it.
Not yet

Never in my adult life have I had any sense of "belonging" in the way I have the last 16 days.
I said before I left that it just felt right & that feeling never changed
It still just feels right.....

I wanted to spend every second of every day with her

The details will have to wait. I really can't face that right now.

Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever done

I miss her too much

I love her too much





We sat like this the entire time on the road.......what I'd give to be able to do it now

Well I'm actually doing it
I going on an adventure
I have a 9 1/2 hour flight ahead of me tomorrow & then 2 weeks of, hopefully, fun
I'm taking my camera & several memory cards so expect loads & loads of pics when I get back
I may not be able to get online while I'm away but if I can I'll update. let everyone know how things are going

This is so out of character for me & yet I'm not nervous at all.....very excited. but no nerves (so far )
It just feels right

well thats it..I need to sleep (like thats gonna happen) I leave for the airport in just over 8 hours.
This will be the 1st time I've flown on my own..I hate flying..but I really can't wait

I'll be back soon
love you all

When I grow up I want to be able to play guitar like Neil Young.
Went to see him last night in London
The guy is a genius & cooler than 99.99999999999% of the population will ever be

The only downside was not getting home till gone 2am & having to be in work at 5am for an 8 hour shift.
My back decided to seize up totally so I was tired & in total agony

but happy

seen an amazing show


& I've fallen for the sweetest girl in the world