Been playing around with photoshop
I've only just started using it & I'm not the most artistic person in the world but I'm quite happy with the results

Time to dispose of the negativity contained in my last blog

I'm happy again

went to see Heaven & Hell on wednesday. Great gig.
Iced Earth & Lamb of God supported
A proper fucking metal show
none of that whiny emo shit


Winter has finally arrived.
its cold.
very cold

I love it

I may do a vlog next week. depends if I can think of anything to say

I've been thinking recently about getting a tattoo

The 2 main reasons not to are my world renown indecisiveness (by the time I decide what to get I'll be about 80 ) & my (very very mild) psoriasis. That second one is complicated by my suffering from the Koebner effect. Any damage to my skin can result in psoriasis forming. anywhere on my chest area is ruled out straight away.
The one thing I've been considering for years is using a bicycle chainring or sprocket as the base for a design on my calf.

I know I won't get it done though
but there's no harm in thinking about it




I've been useless at commenting on blogs the last few weeks. I have been reading them but I'm in one of my periodic uncommunicative, introverted phases. Actually thats wrong. its the sociable, talkative mood thats abnormal for me

Today was one of those rare days when everything is right with the world.
I felt like anything was possible.
That I could achieve whatever I wanted
That I could take on the world & beat it

So I did nothing of consequence at all.

For the 1st time in weeks I enjoyed cycling to work. It made me feel alive & ready for action.
Work was....work. I survived it with my spirit intact, which makes a nice change
I went for a longer ride on the way home, through the hills & countryside. I impressed myself by riding the entire 2 1/2 hour route without stopping for the 1st time in ages. There's a couple of killer climbs & at least one of them usually gets the better of me. But today despite the lungs burning & legs straining I cleaned it
The only downside was not eating enough beforehand & suffering a collapse in my blood sugar levels on the last climb. The last couple of miles was a bit wobbly from lack of energy but I got there...just.

To get home & find someone was having a bad day just seemed so wrong.
It shouldn't be allowed to happen. not on a day like today.
when things were as close to perfect for me as they've been in months

I hope I can help to bring about a perfect day for whoever needs it.
The same way someone helped with mine.

It was a little thing, but its amazing how big an impact small things can have on your mood & state of mind

for me it was the pictures of Dainty in her bumblebee costume. Every time I think of them I just have to smile & laugh.
They're just sooooooooooo damn cute & adorable

If I can help someone in the same way my day will be complete

I love you all & I'll be wishing everyone has that perfect day soon

I LOVE this

I mean really love it

everyone else should too



Nirvana by Charles Bukowski read by Tom Waits

I just identify with the character so much.
I guess I do find great beauty & magic in places most people don't even pay any attention to.
Its often small things.
The way the sunlight breaks through the clouds.
The sound & feel of the rain
The breaking of waves on the shore during a storm
A stranger smiling at me in the street
like in the poem, being a customer in a cafe of shop & it being obvious the staff are enjoying their work, laughing, smiling.

& every time I wish I had the courage to stay
To forget about all my neurosis & problems.
To make my life there instead
But I never do

maybe thats for the best.
Those moments can never last forever.
The clouds block out the sun again
The rain makes you cold & wet
The storm goes on for too long
In the store someone makes a mistake & an argument ensues. Or the shift goes on too long & the staff get sick of each other & the customers.

Maybe its better to hold onto that beauty for what it is.
Small isolated moments in time

Moments that I will carry with me forever

Moments that make life worth living

I love her


I still desire her so badly even though she's already broken my heart.


I love her


I wish I'd never met her


I could have carried on believing I didn't need anyone, that I was fine on my own, that I was contented with my life, that my future was something I could look forward to
Instead the things that brought me contentment now do so only fleetingly.
I look back & realise just how alone I've been the last few years.
How I've wasted the chances I've had in life.
How I've achieved nothing of any significance.
How, if I carry on the same way, I never will.
How my future looks a depressing, disappointing & lonely place


I love her


I'm so glad I met her


For a short time I was the happiest person in the world.
she made the world & more enjoyable & beautiful place to be
I got to share just a bit of the ecstasy & joy that someone experiences when they are fulfilling a lifelong dream
I realised that I am capable fulfilling my dreams
That I am capable baring my soul to another person
That I don't have to allow my anxieties & fears to control my life
That if I want something badly enough nothing can stop me achieving it


I love her


I should tell her


maybe one day I will


but I doubt it

Not got much to say again so I'll just share the results of a stupid ok cupid test I did earlier (thanks to Stassney for the link

I love it when these things turn out to be hopelessly wrong
unfortunately this one is spot on

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD)
The Boy Next Door

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

I was intending to write a nice long, intelligent, thoughtful, insightful & philosophical blog today. But when I sat down at my keyboard I realised I had nothing to actually say
I guess I'm just in a introverted state of mind at the moment & content to just keep my thoughts & opinions on life to myself.
I get like that quite frequently


I am in a very good mood & hopefully the panic attacks & depression won't be back for a while.

so I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank all you people who I've made friends with on SG for being the most amazingly awesome people in the world


thank you for making me happy again

I love you all





for anyone who may want to chat & stuff away form SG my MSN is
heckler@hotmail.co.uk