1. The last time I had sex was on New Years Day. So, I am thinking a lot about it and sometimes considering going to Cass to get some, but then I cant deal with the complications that will kick up...
2. Am completely and utterly frustrated with stripping. It DOES NOT have to be this hard! I am sick of going into work and there hardly being any customers and then the ones that are in, making it like a fucking judges jury or triganomitry exam just to get a fucking hot dance from me! ARGH! GOD! I am not even asking for that much. Is it so much that I can take home £200 a night for 3 nights work so I can apply to become a naturalised british citizen, pay off my debts and go travelling? I mean really. It shouldnt be such fucking hard work! I am SO pissed off! I went home early with nothing tonight. I cannot stand, standing around at work with twice as many girls as customers.
3. I am feeling SO fat right now. 140 pounds and counting. All I want is some money to afford to attend the personal training gym in Ealing so I can get back on the road to fitness and drop 20 pounds. With a hot body Im sure I will have way more confidence at work.
4. I wish I could switch myself off at work and be someone else. Ive tried getting drunk, doing coke and am thinking about taking tranquilisers just to switch my fucking brain off so I can do my fucking job without getting frustrated and wanting to shove my stiletto up everyone's ass.
5. I cant figure out if I am the problem in this. Am I too much of a Type A personality, too much of a perfectionist, think too much, too analytical, too this, too that, too shut the fuck up already!?
6. I am seriously considering working as an outcall dominatrix but im scared to try because everything I have ever tried has turned out crap and im tired of feeling like such a crashing failure. I just want to make as much money as i can in the shortest amount of time so i can get my ass on a plane out of this god forsaked freezing cold miserable waste of a country.
2. Am completely and utterly frustrated with stripping. It DOES NOT have to be this hard! I am sick of going into work and there hardly being any customers and then the ones that are in, making it like a fucking judges jury or triganomitry exam just to get a fucking hot dance from me! ARGH! GOD! I am not even asking for that much. Is it so much that I can take home £200 a night for 3 nights work so I can apply to become a naturalised british citizen, pay off my debts and go travelling? I mean really. It shouldnt be such fucking hard work! I am SO pissed off! I went home early with nothing tonight. I cannot stand, standing around at work with twice as many girls as customers.
3. I am feeling SO fat right now. 140 pounds and counting. All I want is some money to afford to attend the personal training gym in Ealing so I can get back on the road to fitness and drop 20 pounds. With a hot body Im sure I will have way more confidence at work.
4. I wish I could switch myself off at work and be someone else. Ive tried getting drunk, doing coke and am thinking about taking tranquilisers just to switch my fucking brain off so I can do my fucking job without getting frustrated and wanting to shove my stiletto up everyone's ass.
5. I cant figure out if I am the problem in this. Am I too much of a Type A personality, too much of a perfectionist, think too much, too analytical, too this, too that, too shut the fuck up already!?
6. I am seriously considering working as an outcall dominatrix but im scared to try because everything I have ever tried has turned out crap and im tired of feeling like such a crashing failure. I just want to make as much money as i can in the shortest amount of time so i can get my ass on a plane out of this god forsaked freezing cold miserable waste of a country.
hello everyone 
thank you to all those who wished me a happy birthday for monday. i turned 28 canyou believe it!?
I dont even LOOK 28 and certainly dont feel or behave like a close to 30yr old! 
things have been going well in my life. i am dancing my little tooshy off and visualising myself receiving mega bucks cos thoughts are things so whatever i imagine will come true. tonight i didnt do so well but it was a quiet night and not a lot of spenders in but i feel good because i only had one drink and i worked for my money as opposed to letting fear and anxiety set in like on fri.
i really wish i was earning enough to go to this personal training gym up the road. i weigh 140 pounds and would like to lose 20 pounds and tone up and become stronger. some brazillian girls were teaching me pole tricks tonight while the club was empty and i hav no strength for some really basic moves!
anyway, my life is too boring to write about in a blog, so im off to pray for summer
here is a pic of me at work
thank you to all those who wished me a happy birthday for monday. i turned 28 canyou believe it!?
I dont even LOOK 28 and certainly dont feel or behave like a close to 30yr old! things have been going well in my life. i am dancing my little tooshy off and visualising myself receiving mega bucks cos thoughts are things so whatever i imagine will come true. tonight i didnt do so well but it was a quiet night and not a lot of spenders in but i feel good because i only had one drink and i worked for my money as opposed to letting fear and anxiety set in like on fri.
i really wish i was earning enough to go to this personal training gym up the road. i weigh 140 pounds and would like to lose 20 pounds and tone up and become stronger. some brazillian girls were teaching me pole tricks tonight while the club was empty and i hav no strength for some really basic moves!
anyway, my life is too boring to write about in a blog, so im off to pray for summer
here is a pic of me at work
hey, i havent posted anything in a while.
i broke up with cass on sunday. spent the next 3 days stressing about wether i made the right decision. he hasnt been in contact and i was kinda hoping he would be. i have days now wen i dont think about him and then days wen i really miss him. i feel sad about all the good times we had that are over. we never really had any bad times. he did nothing wrong. in fact he treated me like his queen, but i guess i was just feeling too smothered. i felt like he expected more than i was willing to give. so im sad in a way, but then i never planned to settle down with him anyway. there are still plenty more men for me to explore!
i have been dancing what feels like nearly every night these past two weeks. trying to make some money and earning half as much as i want to earn. last night i only came home with £104... its like squeezing blood from a stone! i just cant seem to sell VIP's cos they make them so expensive in my club... this week ive made only £300, for 3 nights work. i should have made £1000. so im thinking about trying out a busier club, if there is such a thing...
ive decided to take regular dance classes. i need to lose at least 10-15 pounds. i cant fit into my deisel jeans anymore and its because the only exercise i get is at work giving lap dances and going on stage once or twice a night which isnt much. i want to take some pole dancing lessons also, build up my upper body strength and learn some cool tricks. eventually i want to start choreographing some stage shows. i want to do a dance to eva cassidy's "wade in the water" and to george michael's "father figure".
im feeling positive because i have a goal and thats to get my passport and go travelling, its just earning that money! i need to really get my sales technique down so i can earn better and faster at work. and im also thinking about being an outcall dominatrix and webcam foot fetish mistress lol. i just need to get some money in as fast as possible. i dont want to spend another year in this country.
i have a myspace for my dancing, check it out at London Dancer
i broke up with cass on sunday. spent the next 3 days stressing about wether i made the right decision. he hasnt been in contact and i was kinda hoping he would be. i have days now wen i dont think about him and then days wen i really miss him. i feel sad about all the good times we had that are over. we never really had any bad times. he did nothing wrong. in fact he treated me like his queen, but i guess i was just feeling too smothered. i felt like he expected more than i was willing to give. so im sad in a way, but then i never planned to settle down with him anyway. there are still plenty more men for me to explore!
i have been dancing what feels like nearly every night these past two weeks. trying to make some money and earning half as much as i want to earn. last night i only came home with £104... its like squeezing blood from a stone! i just cant seem to sell VIP's cos they make them so expensive in my club... this week ive made only £300, for 3 nights work. i should have made £1000. so im thinking about trying out a busier club, if there is such a thing...
ive decided to take regular dance classes. i need to lose at least 10-15 pounds. i cant fit into my deisel jeans anymore and its because the only exercise i get is at work giving lap dances and going on stage once or twice a night which isnt much. i want to take some pole dancing lessons also, build up my upper body strength and learn some cool tricks. eventually i want to start choreographing some stage shows. i want to do a dance to eva cassidy's "wade in the water" and to george michael's "father figure".
im feeling positive because i have a goal and thats to get my passport and go travelling, its just earning that money! i need to really get my sales technique down so i can earn better and faster at work. and im also thinking about being an outcall dominatrix and webcam foot fetish mistress lol. i just need to get some money in as fast as possible. i dont want to spend another year in this country.
i have a myspace for my dancing, check it out at London Dancer
so brent is back to being his happy, energetic self. which is fantastic news! i really hope he manages to stick to his new regime long enough to get the benefit out of it and really make a change. its not going to be easy. i cant help being worried about him, but i just have to support him and hope for the best for him.
i am currently having to deal with a needy boyfriend who i think suspects that i am cheating on him and all i did was not arrange to see him this weekend past! he showed up at my door today unanounced which is a clear sign and then while he was hornily groping me i suddenly felt like i really didnt want him to be doing that! and i hav no idea why. actually, maybe i just felt like he didnt deserve it because i am resenting him for distrusting me and not saying anything about it. im pissed off that he isnt being a man about his feelings and coming out with it. i think also, i backed off because he was getting too clingy and now he is sulking. come on, i dont hav space in my life for a baby!
this weekend i DID have a great time with emily and ross and jess at this awesome restaurant called Little Bay which had this crazy opera singer in it who took a shining for me after he lay across our table and serenaded emily. it was so funny and the food and service was fantastic! ended up staying over at theirs doing coke and drinking and trying to teach this random girl to become an empowered woman.
mom has had two setbacks today. she found a place to move to but got told her boss' old secretary wants to come back and she gets on better with his other secretary. and then this new place wanted to charge her a months rent and SIX WEEKS in advance deposit!? it came to like £960 or something. so she couldnt get the place and she was so stoked about it. so i hav to try and keep her head up for her. i wish she was more authoritive. i wish she had self respect and took control of her life more and of me more. i think if she pushed me, i wouldnt be such a lazy slacker. i feel really bad. she is always giving me hand outs because ive been lazy and tried to weazle my way out of hard work.
i want to go and find a regular bar job tomorrow and keep dancing 3 nights a week. and keep applying for a job at a book store. id love to work in a bookstore. our local waterstones isnt looking for staff right now, but im going to at least apply. during the winter, its better to have a day job and then bugger off for the summer.
i dont know if i am attracted to cassiano anymore. his whole sulky baby act has really put me off. and everytime i think about how to fix this issue, i wonder if i really want to. but then i wonder if i will miss having a boyfriend. but really, i just want to start doing something with my life. get fit. take dance classes, pay off my debts. have something to say about myself. i want to stop being so lazy and i would love to try start djing again if i can slowly buy the equipment and live in a place where i could play music.
i have been watching back to back torrented episodes of ugly betty which i think is quite good and i like all the characters especially ice queen's gay assistant and betty's sister's son. i think i need a little gay in my life. yes, definately. such positive, fabulous people. and thats what i am trying to get to - positive and fabulous!
i watched employee of the month yesterday. funny. couldve been better. jessica simpson is really wooden. i am always the one who holds out for those stars everyone kicks down wen they try another career avenue but really, she could definately do better.
i really must make some money so i can get to the gym, go out with mario, move out of this shit hole, get my hair and nails done and pay off my damn debts!
ooh watched the end of so you think you can dance and was shocked that musa was kicked out!? WTF!? he was WAY better than that poncy dimitri guy!!!
do you know what, i want to work for myself, be my own boss and do what i love. i really should start djing and dance classes again...
Right. Priorities:
1. get a day job.
2. move out of this place.
3. get back to the gym.
4. start dance classes.
5. apply for naturalisation.
6. pay off credit card (reinstate weekly payment).
7. pay off overdraft.
8. buy video camera.
9. learn dreamweaver.
10. learn spanish.
11. book trip to costa rica.
i am currently having to deal with a needy boyfriend who i think suspects that i am cheating on him and all i did was not arrange to see him this weekend past! he showed up at my door today unanounced which is a clear sign and then while he was hornily groping me i suddenly felt like i really didnt want him to be doing that! and i hav no idea why. actually, maybe i just felt like he didnt deserve it because i am resenting him for distrusting me and not saying anything about it. im pissed off that he isnt being a man about his feelings and coming out with it. i think also, i backed off because he was getting too clingy and now he is sulking. come on, i dont hav space in my life for a baby!
this weekend i DID have a great time with emily and ross and jess at this awesome restaurant called Little Bay which had this crazy opera singer in it who took a shining for me after he lay across our table and serenaded emily. it was so funny and the food and service was fantastic! ended up staying over at theirs doing coke and drinking and trying to teach this random girl to become an empowered woman.
mom has had two setbacks today. she found a place to move to but got told her boss' old secretary wants to come back and she gets on better with his other secretary. and then this new place wanted to charge her a months rent and SIX WEEKS in advance deposit!? it came to like £960 or something. so she couldnt get the place and she was so stoked about it. so i hav to try and keep her head up for her. i wish she was more authoritive. i wish she had self respect and took control of her life more and of me more. i think if she pushed me, i wouldnt be such a lazy slacker. i feel really bad. she is always giving me hand outs because ive been lazy and tried to weazle my way out of hard work.
i want to go and find a regular bar job tomorrow and keep dancing 3 nights a week. and keep applying for a job at a book store. id love to work in a bookstore. our local waterstones isnt looking for staff right now, but im going to at least apply. during the winter, its better to have a day job and then bugger off for the summer.
i dont know if i am attracted to cassiano anymore. his whole sulky baby act has really put me off. and everytime i think about how to fix this issue, i wonder if i really want to. but then i wonder if i will miss having a boyfriend. but really, i just want to start doing something with my life. get fit. take dance classes, pay off my debts. have something to say about myself. i want to stop being so lazy and i would love to try start djing again if i can slowly buy the equipment and live in a place where i could play music.
i have been watching back to back torrented episodes of ugly betty which i think is quite good and i like all the characters especially ice queen's gay assistant and betty's sister's son. i think i need a little gay in my life. yes, definately. such positive, fabulous people. and thats what i am trying to get to - positive and fabulous!
i watched employee of the month yesterday. funny. couldve been better. jessica simpson is really wooden. i am always the one who holds out for those stars everyone kicks down wen they try another career avenue but really, she could definately do better.
i really must make some money so i can get to the gym, go out with mario, move out of this shit hole, get my hair and nails done and pay off my damn debts!
ooh watched the end of so you think you can dance and was shocked that musa was kicked out!? WTF!? he was WAY better than that poncy dimitri guy!!!
do you know what, i want to work for myself, be my own boss and do what i love. i really should start djing and dance classes again...
Right. Priorities:
1. get a day job.
2. move out of this place.
3. get back to the gym.
4. start dance classes.
5. apply for naturalisation.
6. pay off credit card (reinstate weekly payment).
7. pay off overdraft.
8. buy video camera.
9. learn dreamweaver.
10. learn spanish.
11. book trip to costa rica.
God i seriously just want to go travelling ASAP and i have such a long way to go! But it is my intention. Just so many obsitcles. Money, and then getting a British passport and then having enough money to go travelling and then being with my boyfriend. Both of us have contracted Genital Herpes so Im feeling pretty shattered about that. I feel like damaged goods. I have no idea where I got it from and it means I am infected for life! My boyf is super into me and I think he wants us to be together for ever.
Right now, I just want to get to work and pay off the remainder of my debts and apply for my Naturalisation as British citizen and have money to travel when I get approved and get my British passport.
And Im seriously thinking about my future because Im turning 28 in a few weeks and I still dont know what I want to do with myself. Im not so stressed out about that fact, but I do want to do SOMETHING. Im just pulled in so many directions. I often think about being a DJ again, especially since there are so many female DJs now, but then Im also pulled in the dancing direction because I know that is my passion. And then I think, well why dont you do them together - be a dancer and a DJ. Im more than happy to do that.
I know for sure that I want to travel and I want to be my own boss doing something I love...
My boyf is super into me and I think he wants us to be together for ever. Right now, I just want to get to work and pay off the remainder of my debts and apply for my Naturalisation as British citizen and have money to travel when I get approved and get my British passport.
And Im seriously thinking about my future because Im turning 28 in a few weeks and I still dont know what I want to do with myself. Im not so stressed out about that fact, but I do want to do SOMETHING. Im just pulled in so many directions. I often think about being a DJ again, especially since there are so many female DJs now, but then Im also pulled in the dancing direction because I know that is my passion. And then I think, well why dont you do them together - be a dancer and a DJ. Im more than happy to do that.
I know for sure that I want to travel and I want to be my own boss doing something I love...
So today, I finally feel ready to speak to my best friend since he tried to kill himself on Wed last week. I sent him an email and this is what I said:
So youre probably wondering why I havent spoken to you since.
To be honest, I didnt know what to say to you. I guess I needed time to get my head round what happened, figure out how I feel about it and what to do/say in the after math.
My first reaction was of anger. Im pretty mad at you. And then I hate that I dont want to show you that because Im scared it might make you feel worse about yourself but you know what? This isnt just about you Brent. I mean, what the hell were you thinking!? You are a brother, a son and a best friend. Your life is not only about you and how you feel about you, its about all of us who are so closely connected to you. Yeah, ok, maybe Im being selfish in my reaction but I am pretty damn sure I never want to have to go through that again. Especially living so far away. Did it not even occur to you that I cant afford to fly home to attend your funeral? Can you imagine your funeral without me being there!? How could you have a fabulous funeral without me there to say all the wonderful things only I could say? And how could you expect me to be honest about all those wonderful things when you just took your own life?
I know you werent really thinking tho. I hope you realise how fucking lucky you are to still be alive. I saved your fucking life Brent (with help from some friends) but I dont want to have to be in that position ever again. I dont want to have to be so angry at you ever again. You are a part of me, what gives you the right to take that part of me away, without even consulting me first? I mean, who the hell do you think you are!? Yeah, Im fucking angry, so hear me out. And yeah, it fucking scares me to show you how angry I am at you because Im scared it will send you back there - how sick is that?
I guess what Im trying to say is that I love you. Yeah, actually, I really do. And I really care about what happens to you, about your happiness AND your sadness. Brent you and I are connected because we have the kind of bond that the majority of humanity wishes they had with someone else. We may not use it, but its there and that bond means we are there for eachother no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. I would drop everything for you Brent. I love you unconditionaly. No matter where I am in the world, or what responsibilities I have, I would be there for you as much as I could be.
So my point is Brent, your life is not your own. Its not yours for the taking. You come to me first. I dont want you to ever get so far again. And I had no idea. This will not happen again Brent. Im actually hurt that you felt you had no one there for you, no one who truly understood you, or heard you, or believed you were hurting so much. Maybe if youd fucking told me I couldve been more help! So its up to you to let your guard down with me, because otherwise, what is the fucking point of our friendship? I do not consider myself just a best friend. Just a labelled friend but not an actual used friend. I am here to hear you, no matter how fucked up you think you are. Give me some damn credit.
I care so deeply about you Brent but there is only so much I can do if you dont let me in, or use my friendship.
I love you.
Happy New Year!
Well, almost. This year has started with a lot of shit! 1st, Ive got a nasty cold AND gential herpes (oh fun!) which seem to have come out of no-where and are NOT comfortable. And my best friend tried to kill himself a couple night ago. If it wasnt for me calling everyone I know in South Africa and getting his flatmate to him, he probably wouldnt be alive today and I would be a wreck. Oh, and Ive also run out of all that money I made lapdancing and with a cold and fanny spots, I cant go back to work. What fun. I had to tell my poor boyfriend to get himself checked. Neither of us has cheated on eachother so god knows where these have come from!!! I was checked only a few months ago and came up clear for everthing, so I dont know how I got them All I know is I want them, and this cold to fuck off so I can get on with my life. I had big plans for this year.
Boyf has practically proposed to me also. He's started talking about making plans to include me in his future and Im like sitting there thinking, honey, I like you but I want to go see the world and Im certainly not sure if I want to marry you! We've only been dating since the end of October! He keeps trying to say I love you and Im like, "mgfjfnsd" and put the phone down. I dont love him, that takes a long time for me and a pretty amazing person to make me love them fast. He's a good guy. He cooks and cleans and has a big dick and is passionate in bed, thinks im hot and beautiful and wants to take care of me and make me happy so yeah, on paper, he sounds perfect, but im not getting that got to hav him for ever and ever feeling. I just want us to enjoy eachother's company until I go travelling. I never expected "him 4 me 4 eva"...
Well, almost. This year has started with a lot of shit! 1st, Ive got a nasty cold AND gential herpes (oh fun!) which seem to have come out of no-where and are NOT comfortable. And my best friend tried to kill himself a couple night ago. If it wasnt for me calling everyone I know in South Africa and getting his flatmate to him, he probably wouldnt be alive today and I would be a wreck. Oh, and Ive also run out of all that money I made lapdancing and with a cold and fanny spots, I cant go back to work. What fun. I had to tell my poor boyfriend to get himself checked. Neither of us has cheated on eachother so god knows where these have come from!!! I was checked only a few months ago and came up clear for everthing, so I dont know how I got them
All I know is I want them, and this cold to fuck off so I can get on with my life. I had big plans for this year.Boyf has practically proposed to me also. He's started talking about making plans to include me in his future and Im like sitting there thinking, honey, I like you but I want to go see the world and Im certainly not sure if I want to marry you! We've only been dating since the end of October! He keeps trying to say I love you and Im like, "mgfjfnsd" and put the phone down. I dont love him, that takes a long time for me and a pretty amazing person to make me love them fast. He's a good guy. He cooks and cleans and has a big dick and is passionate in bed, thinks im hot and beautiful and wants to take care of me and make me happy so yeah, on paper, he sounds perfect, but im not getting that got to hav him for ever and ever feeling. I just want us to enjoy eachother's company until I go travelling. I never expected "him 4 me 4 eva"...
Super quick update:
Had someone buy me the Dancerwealth Home Study Course so I can learn sales skills tailored to lapdancing and spent 7hrs listening to it today. I feel more confident now that I know what I need to do and say but will only be back at work on Wednesday night as Ive decided to do the concerts on Tuesday, Fri and Sat (working on the bars) as its money that goes straight into the bank... Maybe I will cancel tomorrow night and go to the club instead since it is the week before Christmas...
Spent the weekend with my man. Had a weird day on Sunday as I woke up feeling really paranoid and doubting him. He seems to be a really good guy but I have serious trust issues with people I want to care about. He wants us to go on a trip to Brazil next year. We will have been together 3 months on the 21st Dec. We managed to have sex standing up in the bath while the shower was running. Im impressed
hehe!
Here is a picture he took of me eatin at my favourite restaurant in Soho, in London. Its a Japanese restaurant called Satsumo's. Afterwards we went to see Eragon but it wasnt such a great movie and the tickets were £11.75 each!?
So anyway, Im bored now, so I'll go
Adios
Had someone buy me the Dancerwealth Home Study Course so I can learn sales skills tailored to lapdancing and spent 7hrs listening to it today. I feel more confident now that I know what I need to do and say but will only be back at work on Wednesday night as Ive decided to do the concerts on Tuesday, Fri and Sat (working on the bars) as its money that goes straight into the bank... Maybe I will cancel tomorrow night and go to the club instead since it is the week before Christmas...
Spent the weekend with my man. Had a weird day on Sunday as I woke up feeling really paranoid and doubting him. He seems to be a really good guy but I have serious trust issues with people I want to care about. He wants us to go on a trip to Brazil next year. We will have been together 3 months on the 21st Dec. We managed to have sex standing up in the bath while the shower was running. Im impressed
hehe!Here is a picture he took of me eatin at my favourite restaurant in Soho, in London. Its a Japanese restaurant called Satsumo's. Afterwards we went to see Eragon but it wasnt such a great movie and the tickets were £11.75 each!?
So anyway, Im bored now, so I'll go
Adios
too fast for love. i like that.
today i told someone ive never met that i love them and realised its because theyre so much like me.
i started stripping again last night. the club im at is tiny and full or skanky girls who dirty dance. i found it really hard and had to have a few drinks to shut my brain up and get on with it. i only came home with £175. i spent like £30 in the club on drinks and tip out so i should have come home with close to £200 insted. not a bad night considering the other girls did better than i did. anyway, back tonight for some more cash. at least i paid some of my phone bill off so i can use my phone again. tomorrow, i will pay the rest off. and then pay my other phone off. and then pay for new contact lenses. and then pay for my dvd subscription. and then go get a massage lol!
i dont know why i find the job hard. is it because i cant be arsed to be fake and sweet to these guys i dont care about? or that i dont know how? it puts me off when i smile and they just look away. i mean come on! im GORGEOUS!
this is a picture i took of me before i went to work last night:
please explain why the guys arent falling over themselves to have me talk to them and dance naked for them? could i be TOO beautiful? like unapproachable or intimidating?
well, tonight i am going to make less of an effort with my appearance, try and look a bit more skank and see if that helps... i think guys get off on dissing me cos they know i wouldnt look at them in a real bar.
i also hate how i cant stop thinking about how im better than this. but i dont have an education outside of high school and i dont know what i want to do. so what the fuck else am i supposed to do? im too bohemian to work a straight job, but im too good for stripping, so what the fuck!?
i wish i had someone to guide me. someone who has their head screwed on and who can help me go forward in my life, positively. someone who knows how to encourage me, someone i can look up to and be inspired by, someone who will kick me up the arse and not let me be lazy because Goddess knows i hav NO self control!
the only time i do something is wen its got so bad that i HAVE to. and it gets that bad cos i dont do anything.
i need to be thrown into the deep end and forced to swim that way. its the only way i perform. want me to make an effort on my own? sorry, i didnt hear you cos i was sleeping...
today i told someone ive never met that i love them and realised its because theyre so much like me.
i started stripping again last night. the club im at is tiny and full or skanky girls who dirty dance. i found it really hard and had to have a few drinks to shut my brain up and get on with it. i only came home with £175. i spent like £30 in the club on drinks and tip out so i should have come home with close to £200 insted. not a bad night considering the other girls did better than i did. anyway, back tonight for some more cash. at least i paid some of my phone bill off so i can use my phone again. tomorrow, i will pay the rest off. and then pay my other phone off. and then pay for new contact lenses. and then pay for my dvd subscription. and then go get a massage lol!
i dont know why i find the job hard. is it because i cant be arsed to be fake and sweet to these guys i dont care about? or that i dont know how? it puts me off when i smile and they just look away. i mean come on! im GORGEOUS!
this is a picture i took of me before i went to work last night:
please explain why the guys arent falling over themselves to have me talk to them and dance naked for them? could i be TOO beautiful? like unapproachable or intimidating?
well, tonight i am going to make less of an effort with my appearance, try and look a bit more skank and see if that helps... i think guys get off on dissing me cos they know i wouldnt look at them in a real bar.
i also hate how i cant stop thinking about how im better than this. but i dont have an education outside of high school and i dont know what i want to do. so what the fuck else am i supposed to do? im too bohemian to work a straight job, but im too good for stripping, so what the fuck!?
i wish i had someone to guide me. someone who has their head screwed on and who can help me go forward in my life, positively. someone who knows how to encourage me, someone i can look up to and be inspired by, someone who will kick me up the arse and not let me be lazy because Goddess knows i hav NO self control!
the only time i do something is wen its got so bad that i HAVE to. and it gets that bad cos i dont do anything.
i need to be thrown into the deep end and forced to swim that way. its the only way i perform. want me to make an effort on my own? sorry, i didnt hear you cos i was sleeping...
Currently loving: 
* my hot Brazillian lover, his toned body, big dick and passion for great sex
* sleeping in every day
* feeling positive
* inventing my future
* creating myself
Currently not liking:
* SG's changes to our profiles
* still not working in a proper job
* not having any money whatsoever
* it being winter
Haha, last night my cat jumped up onto my desk and burnt his fur off on the candle that was on there! poor pussy...
sorry i dont have anything more interesting to say, ive been hibernating due to no job and lack of money...
* my hot Brazillian lover, his toned body, big dick and passion for great sex
* sleeping in every day
* feeling positive
* inventing my future
* creating myself
Currently not liking:
* SG's changes to our profiles
* still not working in a proper job
* not having any money whatsoever
* it being winter
Haha, last night my cat jumped up onto my desk and burnt his fur off on the candle that was on there! poor pussy...
sorry i dont have anything more interesting to say, ive been hibernating due to no job and lack of money...
