Hopefully this is totally private because I have a crush on someone on this site, and I totally don't want her to find out.

WHOA!

Simple ol' Josh was just living his life like normal and a represenative from the City of Las Vegas called him today and offered him a residency with the city.

I'm going to be one of those fancy "Artist in Residence" that you read about on the backs of cereal boxes. Or newspapers, or whatever. The crazy thing is, they are giving me THOUSANDS of dollars. All they want in return is for me to teach 8 one hour workshops. I feel sort of guilty about this, but they're the ones offering and I didn't even ask. I didn't even know they were looking! Who in the world told them about me?!

Anyways, I really am that good at performing. You'll have to see me sometime. Come to Vegas, I'll comp you tickets to my show.

UPDATE: I'm leaving the site. I just spend money on a site I barely use, and I think it would be smarter if I spent my money on other things. To the friends I made on here... I'll miss you. You were really cool. Watch for me on the big screen! I'll be there someday soon!



The people I speak to on a daily basis already know this info., but I wanted to share it with all my other friends that I don't get to see very often.

Have you ever heard of The Amazing Johnathan? He's had his own specials on Comedy Central, performed on Letterman numerous times, and now has his own show in Las Vegas. Go to Amazingj.com. You'll recognize him.

Well, anyways... His act includes an air-head assistant named "Psychic Tonya". His whole act is making fun of traditional magic acts, so she is basically the pretty assistant. Psychic Tonya is played by my friend Penny.

Ok, so here's the deal. When Penny has to go on vacation, they need someone that is funny to work with Johnathan. It's a big spot, because it's only the two of you doing the show. The other night Johnathan asked if I'd like to come up with a character... like a stupid stage hand, or janitor, or something... to do the show with him.

Johnathan has been my friend for over a year now, and I always enjoy his show, so this is such an honor being asked to do this. It turns out I'm going to go into the show March 21st and 22nd. Now, this might seem far away, but in all reality - we don't have much time to rewrite an hour+ show that is normally done with a female. But, I'm looking forward to the challenge and I think it's really cool that Johnathan finds me funny enough to work with.

If the shows go well, which they will, I'll be the permanent understudy for The Psychic Tonya.

Things like this make me feel like I'm in the right business.

Remember when they found E.T. in the ditch and he was all white and crusty? That's the state I'm currently in. Even the red glow has left my tummy. The flowers in the clay pot have all but withered. I expect NASA to be busting through my windows at anytime, so they can start laying out those big hamster habitrails.

As disturbing as the imagery may be, the truth must be known... I was recently found in a ditch still in my ghost costume from halloween. Strewn about me were the makings of what could only be described as a 'space phone'.

For the most part, I think I come off as a very open guy. I'll tell you a secret though... I'm very private. There are things I'll talk about, but I don't share the truth. I think comedy is in my life, because I can hide thing behind it. I've learned to avoid whole subjects, by presenting a wall of stories.

Now, one thing I joke about... sex... is something I'm VERY private about. I joke about this, that, and the other... but in all actuality, I don't share any actual details. To me it's a private subject, and it still blows my mind how frankly some people can approach the issue. How some people can just sit there and rattle off detail after detail of their 'sexcapades' is beyond me. What makes it even odder, is if you knew some of my friends. They are very open about themselves in this regard, but never seem to weasel one bit of truth out of me.

Now that we are through that part though, I want to discuss two things.

First of all, what the hell is everyone's obsession with masturbation?! I've lived alone now for several years. I don't know if this happens to other single people, but everytime I mention I was alone in the house, people assume I had to have been jerking off. What's up with that?!

A friend will ask me, "What did you do last night?" I'll reply, "Well, I didn't want to go out, so I made myself some dinner and then I watched a movie." To which they reply, "Huh .. huh.. Where you jerking off?!" I start to wonder, is something wrong with me? I'm not dying to 'whack-it' everytime I lock the front door. I have a feeling if some of you had your own place, you'd be hopping through the front door with your pants around your ankles, as to not waste a precious moment on lowering them.

"What did you do last night?"

"Nothing. I had a terrible headache. Stayed in."

"Oh. That's too, bad. Was it a migraine?"

"You know? Could be. I never had one before."

"Did you whack-it?"

"Um... pardon me?"

Ok, the second subject is sex. The actual deed. Why do you care if I did, or didn't have sex? I've dated several girls this year. Everytime (I don't care if it was a 2 hour lunch date) I get asked by someone, "Did you fuck her?".

It's so odd. I'm seeing someone now, and that's one of the first things asked of me. And not just by men... by women too. What's it to you? I hate talking about actual details of YOU doing it, why would I want to share stories of me? Why don't you go get a hobby? Might I suggest masturbating? Apparently, there is quite an underground scene going on. You should join it.

So, I don't know. I just had to get this stuff off my chest. I just want to keep certain things in my life private. What's wrong with that?

It's my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a dove that lives at my house. My condo is on the third story and I'm really quiet, so I figure for a dove... it's as good a place as any.

As soon as I moved in he/she was here. There is a fire sprinkler near my front door. That's where the dove perches and sleeps through the night. When I first started coming home, the dove would fly off when I walked up, and waited till I was in for the night to come back. Now, the dove just sits there when I come home.

When the dove is not attending to dove business, it sits across from my balcony, on the roof of the building across the way, and just watches me. I know this, because everytime I look out my sliding window, it turns it's head real quick. It's sorta creepy.

But, none the less, Welcome home you feathered little Prince of Peace!

Don't you think you are home a little too early? It's still very cold.

I got it! I'm going to go buy a bird house and install it on my porch. Who's with me? Want to come?!

I shall find you a palace that is fitting for a feathered little Prince of Peace! In return you will gather spices and nuts from your far away travels and deliver them to my porch... you feathered little Marco Polo of Flight!

It's my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I may have doine something wrong.

There was this girl. She came out of nowhere.

She was always cute, but I never thought anything of it. She had a boyfriend.

I guess they were unhappy. That's what they all said. That's what she said.

Something happened, and it was totally unplanned. I never did anything like that. She said she never did either. I believe her. She has no reason to lie.

She told him.

After five years... it's over for them.

For this, I feel bad.

Now I want her in my life.. but, I have to give her time. So, for a while now, I haven't even called.

I'll leave it to her to call. Until then, I miss her.

There's been quite a few lately. That's very unlike me. But for some reason... this one... I miss her.

My birthday is soon. I want her to be there. Just play it cool... hang in there... don't jump the gun... DON'T call her... give her space.

Right?

Things are good and I'm happy.

She's calling again. Hmm... wonder if I should give her another chance. Then again, I could listen to my friend's advice and just build her up to knock her down. Not really my style though.

Either way, it's good to have all the power.