Mmmm. That was a wonderful trip down to Seaside.
Over the passed couple weeks the boyfriend and I have been discussing things, feelings, and other things. One of those things is my pain tolerance, how much I like pain, and why.
Things got a little heated before I went down there, I had a momentary lapse on judgement, and ended up carving for the first time in months. He almost asked me not to come down because he was so disappointed, but then we came up with something.
Every time I feel like I need to hurt myself, I call him, we talk, and a tally mark gets added to the list. When I'm down there again we count the tallies, and I get that many hits with the cane. Best idea ever.
When I went down this weekend, after that first caning, I feel cleansed. Almost a new person, it was the closest I've felt to a religious experience, ever, in my life.
Over the passed couple weeks the boyfriend and I have been discussing things, feelings, and other things. One of those things is my pain tolerance, how much I like pain, and why.
Things got a little heated before I went down there, I had a momentary lapse on judgement, and ended up carving for the first time in months. He almost asked me not to come down because he was so disappointed, but then we came up with something.
Every time I feel like I need to hurt myself, I call him, we talk, and a tally mark gets added to the list. When I'm down there again we count the tallies, and I get that many hits with the cane. Best idea ever.
When I went down this weekend, after that first caning, I feel cleansed. Almost a new person, it was the closest I've felt to a religious experience, ever, in my life.
Suffice to say, it's a little uncomfortable to sit now, but it's also an amazing reminder.
Also, he said "I love you" for the first time, and gave me the key to his apartment. I don't know, it was just an amazing and wonderful weekend and I miss him already.
Okay, lets have an update shall we?
In my last blog, I expressed concern that my boyfriend might be going behind my back, lying, and of course: cheating. I asked for advice, and opinions, and I got some. Definitely not what I was hoping for, the general consensus being that he is cheating, or at least hiding something from me. Well, here's what I've come to realize.
I love him.
Cue everyone calling me an idiot, or telling me not to settle. But I'm not.
I believe that if you love someone, if you care about them enough, you can work through almost anything. Relationships are built on more than just sex. They're built on intimacy, on how you feel when that person smiles at you. (Tell me, would you have a spit fight with any old person? Would you let some random bitch you're fucking take a picture of you with your own cum in your eye? Would let that same person take pictures of you doing pretty funny things to your own flaccid cock? No? That's what I thought.)
Plenty of relationships thrive on an intimacy that you cannot get from having sex with someone. There are also plenty of relationships that are not monogamous, one partner will go out and play with any number of other partners, but guess what? They always come back to that person they have intimacy with.
Maybe he is fucking with other people. Maybe I'm not totally okay with it. But the bottom line is, I'm the one he texts every day, the one he calls before he goes to sleep at night. And as long as I continue to stay that person, I think I will survive.
I love him. I cannot let this feeling go just because he might not be able to keep his cock in his pants. I can't risk a life of loneliness because of a couple pieces of circumstantial evidence in a brand new relationship.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm okay now. I'm not totally happy with what may or may not be happening behind my back, but I'm going to have a real discussion with him, and lay some pretty concrete ground rules for whatever is going on.
In my last blog, I expressed concern that my boyfriend might be going behind my back, lying, and of course: cheating. I asked for advice, and opinions, and I got some. Definitely not what I was hoping for, the general consensus being that he is cheating, or at least hiding something from me. Well, here's what I've come to realize.
I love him.
Cue everyone calling me an idiot, or telling me not to settle. But I'm not.
I believe that if you love someone, if you care about them enough, you can work through almost anything. Relationships are built on more than just sex. They're built on intimacy, on how you feel when that person smiles at you. (Tell me, would you have a spit fight with any old person? Would you let some random bitch you're fucking take a picture of you with your own cum in your eye? Would let that same person take pictures of you doing pretty funny things to your own flaccid cock? No? That's what I thought.)
Plenty of relationships thrive on an intimacy that you cannot get from having sex with someone. There are also plenty of relationships that are not monogamous, one partner will go out and play with any number of other partners, but guess what? They always come back to that person they have intimacy with.
Maybe he is fucking with other people. Maybe I'm not totally okay with it. But the bottom line is, I'm the one he texts every day, the one he calls before he goes to sleep at night. And as long as I continue to stay that person, I think I will survive.
I love him. I cannot let this feeling go just because he might not be able to keep his cock in his pants. I can't risk a life of loneliness because of a couple pieces of circumstantial evidence in a brand new relationship.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm okay now. I'm not totally happy with what may or may not be happening behind my back, but I'm going to have a real discussion with him, and lay some pretty concrete ground rules for whatever is going on.
So, um, back on the cheating thing again. I'm having a really hard time.
He and I met on a dating site, and I honestly don't see a problem with that.
We've stated that cheating is ANYTHING done with someone else other than the two of us. No sexting other people, no more dating sites, no flings. None of that.
So, this weekend I ask to borrow his phone, long story, but totally innocent intent, I wasn't snooping or anything, and he unlocks it (this is already strange because there wasnt a lock on it the last time I was down), and hands it to me. Immediately a little notification banner scrolls announcing he has new messages from okcupid. At this point we've been together a month, and talking for nearly two. He's previously stated he's a one woman sort of man and that's all he wants. And I love that, because I'm really not comfortable with it being anyone but us.
Anyway, seeing that banner, and that he stills has okcupid really hurts me, and I try to do what I was doing before but I see another app called LocalSin. At this point I'm just aching so I hand him back the phone, and say "You have new messages from okcupid". You have to realize that at the moment I'm feeling like crap, my lighthearted happy mood has completely disappeared, and when I talk to him I kind of sound empty.
He seems confused and says 'what?', so I repeat what I said, telling him the notification told me so. I didn't go into the app or anything. He puts his phone in his pocket and we pull up to the liquor store. He gets out I say I'm staying in the car (my legs feel weak and my stomach is turning), he asks if I want anything, I say no. The moment he shuts the door I start sobbing. When he gets back, I wipe my face and try to pretend like nothing is wrong, but it's hard. And he notices. I try to brush it off, I don't want to seem crazy or something, but it does worry me. We're long distance, and I don't want to invest myself in someone who's cheating right off the bat.
I don't say any of that, I just tell him it upset me, that it worried me. That I'm sorry. He nods, and tells me "I'm sorry, I must have forgotten to delete it." I accept it, but it still hurts, I still don't know what to do, or think. I just HURT so much. I don't ask him about LocalSin. I don't know how to mention it. But now I think I should have. So I could watch him when he answered me. I don't know. I'm so cautious, so wary. So insecure.
We say goodbye the next morning, and he's so sweet. I tell him I'll be back soon and he says "you better be, you have my shirt... And my heart." That makes me melt, but deep down I'm still wondering. What is LocalSin? He asks me to protect his heart, and I ask him to protect mine. I don't know what else to say. I get on the bus.
I make an account on LocalSin, i need to find out what it was. I find him on there. His picture and everything. A picture he had taken for me... Too much pain, I'm crying for most of the bus ride. Even while we're texting, crying. It HURTS. Why won't it stop hurting. I feel sick, physically sick.
I asked last night. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know. But through text it's so hard to know what's honest. I want to believe him. I really do. I asked him what localsin is, why he had it on his phone. He says he doesn't know, then asks me where on his phone it was. I tell him. He says it isnt there. Isn't there? I don't understand how it isn't there. That's seems weird to me. I ask him if he's honestly never heard of LocalSin, seriously. He says he seriously hasn't. I send him the screenshot of his supposed account with the picture of him. I tell him I don't understand. He says what the fuck? How the fuck?
I don't know.
He asks for the name of the app, if there's a website. He says he'll figure out how this happened. I tell him how hard it is for me. That I'm worried, I ask about the passcode. He tells me it's because his coworker took a picture of his ass and set it as the wallpaper. I say okay. He says that one of his unit-members may have put the app on there during drill.
I want to believe him. I want to. But it hurts and I can't stop shaking. I want to trust him. He wants to help me trust him. We both know we can't have a long distance relationship if there is no trust. What do I do? I care so much about him. I need help. Insight. Something.
He and I met on a dating site, and I honestly don't see a problem with that.
We've stated that cheating is ANYTHING done with someone else other than the two of us. No sexting other people, no more dating sites, no flings. None of that.
So, this weekend I ask to borrow his phone, long story, but totally innocent intent, I wasn't snooping or anything, and he unlocks it (this is already strange because there wasnt a lock on it the last time I was down), and hands it to me. Immediately a little notification banner scrolls announcing he has new messages from okcupid. At this point we've been together a month, and talking for nearly two. He's previously stated he's a one woman sort of man and that's all he wants. And I love that, because I'm really not comfortable with it being anyone but us.
Anyway, seeing that banner, and that he stills has okcupid really hurts me, and I try to do what I was doing before but I see another app called LocalSin. At this point I'm just aching so I hand him back the phone, and say "You have new messages from okcupid". You have to realize that at the moment I'm feeling like crap, my lighthearted happy mood has completely disappeared, and when I talk to him I kind of sound empty.
He seems confused and says 'what?', so I repeat what I said, telling him the notification told me so. I didn't go into the app or anything. He puts his phone in his pocket and we pull up to the liquor store. He gets out I say I'm staying in the car (my legs feel weak and my stomach is turning), he asks if I want anything, I say no. The moment he shuts the door I start sobbing. When he gets back, I wipe my face and try to pretend like nothing is wrong, but it's hard. And he notices. I try to brush it off, I don't want to seem crazy or something, but it does worry me. We're long distance, and I don't want to invest myself in someone who's cheating right off the bat.
I don't say any of that, I just tell him it upset me, that it worried me. That I'm sorry. He nods, and tells me "I'm sorry, I must have forgotten to delete it." I accept it, but it still hurts, I still don't know what to do, or think. I just HURT so much. I don't ask him about LocalSin. I don't know how to mention it. But now I think I should have. So I could watch him when he answered me. I don't know. I'm so cautious, so wary. So insecure.
We say goodbye the next morning, and he's so sweet. I tell him I'll be back soon and he says "you better be, you have my shirt... And my heart." That makes me melt, but deep down I'm still wondering. What is LocalSin? He asks me to protect his heart, and I ask him to protect mine. I don't know what else to say. I get on the bus.
I make an account on LocalSin, i need to find out what it was. I find him on there. His picture and everything. A picture he had taken for me... Too much pain, I'm crying for most of the bus ride. Even while we're texting, crying. It HURTS. Why won't it stop hurting. I feel sick, physically sick.
I asked last night. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know. But through text it's so hard to know what's honest. I want to believe him. I really do. I asked him what localsin is, why he had it on his phone. He says he doesn't know, then asks me where on his phone it was. I tell him. He says it isnt there. Isn't there? I don't understand how it isn't there. That's seems weird to me. I ask him if he's honestly never heard of LocalSin, seriously. He says he seriously hasn't. I send him the screenshot of his supposed account with the picture of him. I tell him I don't understand. He says what the fuck? How the fuck?
I don't know.
He asks for the name of the app, if there's a website. He says he'll figure out how this happened. I tell him how hard it is for me. That I'm worried, I ask about the passcode. He tells me it's because his coworker took a picture of his ass and set it as the wallpaper. I say okay. He says that one of his unit-members may have put the app on there during drill.
I want to believe him. I want to. But it hurts and I can't stop shaking. I want to trust him. He wants to help me trust him. We both know we can't have a long distance relationship if there is no trust. What do I do? I care so much about him. I need help. Insight. Something.
Hmm, where to begin, where to begin.
Down in Seaside for the weekend with my man, so wonderful. Ugh so wonderful. The sex is absolutely phenomenal. Really, it blows my mind, and I have intense and insane orgasm after orgasm. Ugh. Not having it every day kills me.
Anyhow. We started off the weekend going to Frenchy's in Santa Cruz and picking up some plugs to help out, cause, um, Man-Man is too damn big not to need a little bit of help getting in my butt. Hehe. But it was amazing. Wore the small one most of the day, then switched to the medium one for about 4 hours, then some nice foreplay, a little fucking, and then mmmmmm, did he slide that dick home into my ass.
Best fucking anal experience so far.
I do not want to stop having sex with this man ever in my life. I love sex with him. It's wonderful and amazing, and soul-reaching. It makes me feel complete.
Down in Seaside for the weekend with my man, so wonderful. Ugh so wonderful. The sex is absolutely phenomenal. Really, it blows my mind, and I have intense and insane orgasm after orgasm. Ugh. Not having it every day kills me.
Anyhow. We started off the weekend going to Frenchy's in Santa Cruz and picking up some plugs to help out, cause, um, Man-Man is too damn big not to need a little bit of help getting in my butt. Hehe. But it was amazing. Wore the small one most of the day, then switched to the medium one for about 4 hours, then some nice foreplay, a little fucking, and then mmmmmm, did he slide that dick home into my ass.
Best fucking anal experience so far.
I do not want to stop having sex with this man ever in my life. I love sex with him. It's wonderful and amazing, and soul-reaching. It makes me feel complete.
Is it true that if a guy can cheat (e.g. has the opportunity to), he will?
How weird/scary is it to tell someone that you think you might love them? Is there a statute of limitation on this phrase? Is it only acceptable during the first meeting as a joke? Is it just weird if you've been dating for a month? Cause I think I might. I don't know. It feels like. Or something. It feels good. I feel good.
So, my nips are healing relatively well. I mean, it's only been two days, but they haven't bled except for a little bit when I clean them, and that's because I'm messing with the jewelry. Um, what else. They're only hurty if they're touched or brushed up against. Idk. I like them. And I think they are beautiful on my skin.
Edit: I'm trying to upload a vid of the piercing happening but my phone is a bitch. So maybe when I get to my computer I will.
Edit: I'm trying to upload a vid of the piercing happening but my phone is a bitch. So maybe when I get to my computer I will.
