guys- i'll be moving to deviantnation.com as suicidegirls doesnt seem to be working for me. it'll be a few days before you can find me on there, but i';ll still be graelston.

"the anatomy of melancholy"

i was at derik's memorial yesterday.
i nearly flipped shit on the drive from denver.
my heart was going approximately a jillion miles an hour.
i had to get high, so as to overcome my nausea.
i was so shakey, once i got there, that people kept asking me
if i was freezing.
his brother didnt recognize me- and i dont blame him. last time he saw me, i was no older than 15, decked out in men's bondage pants, men's size XL t-shirts, and the stereotypical "goth tears" painted on my face.
"thank you for coming. and you are...?"
"it's me, nelson. savannah."
"s.. savannah?? oh!"
his dad gave me a hug, and asked me how i was doing, etc.
his mother said hello, and that was it.
i was talking with josh, at one point when i snuck off for a smoke.
told him how i was upset on the ride there.
"really? what kind of feelings? are you okay?"
i assured him that i wasnt, but that i would be okay,
and i asked him how he was doing.
"i try and pretend like im okay when people ask, but im not"
we stood and talked about derik. about our personal relationships with him.
josh told me that derik basically never stopped talking about me.
i told him that i'd always been upset with how i broke up with him, and handled things.
"to derik, the break up was always mutual. you were in school, he was
in trinidad at college."
...while talking, josh told me that about a year and a half ago derik had started telling him that when we were in high school, the members of the football team had raped me. i assured josh this wasnt true [and if it had been, josh would have torn every single one of them apart, barehanded.]

*sigh*
i was hoping that writing this would help me feel better about all this..
it didnt, not really.
fuck.

im really worried i wont be invited to my ex-boyfriend's memorial service.
his parents never liked me to begin with.
now, i have anxiety issues,
i cant look at a gray infinity or a sign
for eldora ski resort
without hyperventilating, and freaking out.
i dont know what to do.

:'(
i took my lip rings out. they werent healing like i'd have liked them too..
so i'm putting my lip into semi-retirement so that my lip can heal.
i cant wait for the day i can redo it!

new apartment move in maddness!
yeah, yeah.. i just moved. right. i know.
well now im moving again!
bitches.
my new studio will be ready for departure
[by which i mean move in]
saturday.
teh 11th.
2 days after i turn 21.
expect moving pictures, and hangovers.

tension migraine...
right at the base of my neck, swooping up the right side of my
head
circling my right eye socket.
srslyplzkillmenao.

i said it before, im going to say it again:
craigslist really IS addicting, and VERY inappropriately so.
i found a new pet rat, and like, 3 new gigs today.
i also spent waaaay too much time looking at apartments and such. my god.

also.. i just wanted to say, anyone who would like to purchase me a scooter,



receives free piercings for life.
and a pony.

actually, just the piercings, but if you want to get me a pony too..

; ]

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
i've decided:
i'd like to be an octopus.
you read me correctly. i'd like to be an octopus.
its really a very simple reason.
-octopi are very intelligent creatures.
-IN FACT, they are probably the most intelligent invertebrates.
-they are known to build "forts" and "traps" in the wild.
-they're known for rearranging tanks and burying other animals alive in domestication. [got you!]
-for defense against predators, they hide, flee quickly, expel ink, or use color-changing camouflage.

however, the biggest reason i'd like to be an octopus is even simpler:
every octopus will always react to every situation exactly the same.
you can take 2 octopuses, in 2 different aquariums, on opposite sides of the world, introduce them to the same scenario, and they will both act the same, without fail.
how nice would it be, say, having to confront a friend, and knowing exactly how they'll react?
just being able to know to some degree [which is to say, know completely] how a situation was going to play out. i know I would definitely feel better about having to talk to my roommate this weekend, if i knew how she was going to react.

*shiver*

bbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
there is NO reason whatsoever for it to have snowed almost a foot and a half yesterday.
this is MARCH.
it is SPRING.
it should be warming UP,
and not snowing so much that even tday,
the day after, i cant get my car out of my driveway.