It's only been two weeks since starting this 50-hour work week taste of the 'real world' and already I am P-O-O-P-E-D. I really like my jobs, I do-- but still, this working 8 to 11 hours a day is getting to me. Already.
So I work at this really awesome theatre company doing PR stuff and then, seperately, sell jewelery part time. I used to think that I'd be good at multi-tasking, but I have realized I'm plain awful at it. But at least when I do get things done, I usually do a pretty good job. It's just trying to sort out what to do first and what to wait on that throws me off. It's this always having something else to do after you complete one task that kills me. I need some time in between projects to breathe. Even if I have, like, seven projects to do- I need to do them, stop, then move on to the next seven. But this consistency is just hard. I don't know how adults do it. Except, oh, wait, I *am* an adult now. Scary.
When do I get to go back to school for grad study again?
Eh... not for a while. Right now I need to really get my life in check. I keep wavering in and out of my bouts of depression, but for the most part I'm currently just excited about the novelty of this next phase of my life that's still really in it's first days of life. But I don't know how long this 9-6 thing is going to work for me. I've got to do it until July 31, 2006- that's when my next contract ends-- but after that-- then what? I really want to find a job I'll love, not just like. Then I realize how lucky I am for even being able to say that I like my job- with so many other people out there who flat out hate their jobs.
Well, right now, after my 11 hour day, I'm EXHAUSTED. And even though this room is hot, the window airconditioner is slowly but surely working its magic. So I'm... going... to... zzzzzzzz.
So I work at this really awesome theatre company doing PR stuff and then, seperately, sell jewelery part time. I used to think that I'd be good at multi-tasking, but I have realized I'm plain awful at it. But at least when I do get things done, I usually do a pretty good job. It's just trying to sort out what to do first and what to wait on that throws me off. It's this always having something else to do after you complete one task that kills me. I need some time in between projects to breathe. Even if I have, like, seven projects to do- I need to do them, stop, then move on to the next seven. But this consistency is just hard. I don't know how adults do it. Except, oh, wait, I *am* an adult now. Scary.
When do I get to go back to school for grad study again?
Eh... not for a while. Right now I need to really get my life in check. I keep wavering in and out of my bouts of depression, but for the most part I'm currently just excited about the novelty of this next phase of my life that's still really in it's first days of life. But I don't know how long this 9-6 thing is going to work for me. I've got to do it until July 31, 2006- that's when my next contract ends-- but after that-- then what? I really want to find a job I'll love, not just like. Then I realize how lucky I am for even being able to say that I like my job- with so many other people out there who flat out hate their jobs.
Well, right now, after my 11 hour day, I'm EXHAUSTED. And even though this room is hot, the window airconditioner is slowly but surely working its magic. So I'm... going... to... zzzzzzzz.
less than an hour to graduation day. which means if you're reading this, i've probably woken up and am frantically getting ready for graduation or have already graduated. Although I am graduating tomorrow, I still have to:
pack.
pack pack pack.
sell bed!(!)!(!)
write 5 papers.
fix graphic for internship
move move move.
the end.
pack.
pack pack pack.
sell bed!(!)!(!)
write 5 papers.
fix graphic for internship
move move move.
the end.
i need to sell my bed and my dresser by monday or else i'm fucked. no one wants to buy them. i don't even think i'm strong enough to carry that shit out to the trash bin if no one comes to pick it up. my roommate will murder me if I don't get it out, though, because she's staying on to live here and taking over my bedroom. shit.
In one week I'll be a college graduate... but this all feels more surreal than a part of actual existence.
Over the next week I have the "the finals week of hell" which includes a 1,100 article, a 25 page paper that I have yet to start, and four final exams. But once I finish those, I am done, done, done, done, done.
And then it's on to DC (yea, I'm still in Chicago for a little while longer.)
I'm determined to make this summer in DC enjoyable. The SGDC crowd seems to be really nice from what I can tell from the group, and although I haven't had the time to be as active in the SGchicago community as I would have liked to (despite being in charge of the group until I left the site a few months ago), this summer I should have time to develop somewhat of a social life.
With all that said, what I'm even more in disbelief about is my coming move to Berkeley, CA at the end of August. While moving to DC rests well with me because I'm from Jersey and am an east coaster at heart, I've never been so far away from home for-- longer than two months before. Yes, I've been in Chicago for longer than that, but Chicago feels like it's close to New Jersey. California, on the other hand, does not.
I will have my boyfriend out there, and he's just incredible, and as long as we stay together I think I'll be able to survive whatever symptoms of homesickness I develop. Still, even with him (or without him) I'm admittedly scared about this move. I know I'm really moving for this year-long internship (which I'm very excited about), but it also feels like it could be more permenant (um, because I'm probably going to try to make it more perm.) Permenance scares me. I'm the type to move from city to city in order to feel like I'm not reaching the point where I have to "settle down." Being an adult scares the shit out of me.
Then again, there is something really alluring about the idea of becoming-- a "grown up"-- whatever that is. Have a 9-6 job(?), an outside social life, a (not long-distance) relationship... eventually have... a family of some sort?-- I can't think so far into the future, I'm only 21 for crust's sakes, but -- when making such huge moves, the future has to play into my decisions. I just want all the answers to fall onto my lap. Maybe they already have. Maybe I'm just being typically stubborn. Who knows.
Over the next week I have the "the finals week of hell" which includes a 1,100 article, a 25 page paper that I have yet to start, and four final exams. But once I finish those, I am done, done, done, done, done.
And then it's on to DC (yea, I'm still in Chicago for a little while longer.)
I'm determined to make this summer in DC enjoyable. The SGDC crowd seems to be really nice from what I can tell from the group, and although I haven't had the time to be as active in the SGchicago community as I would have liked to (despite being in charge of the group until I left the site a few months ago), this summer I should have time to develop somewhat of a social life.
With all that said, what I'm even more in disbelief about is my coming move to Berkeley, CA at the end of August. While moving to DC rests well with me because I'm from Jersey and am an east coaster at heart, I've never been so far away from home for-- longer than two months before. Yes, I've been in Chicago for longer than that, but Chicago feels like it's close to New Jersey. California, on the other hand, does not.
I will have my boyfriend out there, and he's just incredible, and as long as we stay together I think I'll be able to survive whatever symptoms of homesickness I develop. Still, even with him (or without him) I'm admittedly scared about this move. I know I'm really moving for this year-long internship (which I'm very excited about), but it also feels like it could be more permenant (um, because I'm probably going to try to make it more perm.) Permenance scares me. I'm the type to move from city to city in order to feel like I'm not reaching the point where I have to "settle down." Being an adult scares the shit out of me.
Then again, there is something really alluring about the idea of becoming-- a "grown up"-- whatever that is. Have a 9-6 job(?), an outside social life, a (not long-distance) relationship... eventually have... a family of some sort?-- I can't think so far into the future, I'm only 21 for crust's sakes, but -- when making such huge moves, the future has to play into my decisions. I just want all the answers to fall onto my lap. Maybe they already have. Maybe I'm just being typically stubborn. Who knows.
They were playing all this 80's music in the shoe store today, which elivated my current feelings of nostalgia to nearly an unbearable limit. I was convinced that any moment all of the women shopping in the store would burst out into song and I would be confused whether I was in an odd music video or a commercial for mastercard (Prada shoes on sale: $500, really cute purse with sequins that you just have to have but still cannot afford: $100, breaking into song with women of all ages in a discount designer shoe store: priceless.)
I heard humming, but it didn't quite get into a sing-a-long of "video killed the radio star." It was damn close.
In other news, I'm graduating in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! (ah.) wait. (ahhhh.) that's better.
Well, I'm exhausted. I shouldn't sleep now, I should do homework- seeing as I have TONS of it, not to mention all the studying I should be doing for my final exams... but... my bed looks awful cozy.
OH god does it look cozy. nite y'all. zzz.
I heard humming, but it didn't quite get into a sing-a-long of "video killed the radio star." It was damn close.
In other news, I'm graduating in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! (ah.) wait. (ahhhh.) that's better.
Well, I'm exhausted. I shouldn't sleep now, I should do homework- seeing as I have TONS of it, not to mention all the studying I should be doing for my final exams... but... my bed looks awful cozy.
OH god does it look cozy. nite y'all. zzz.
It is that time of my life where the future is, well, somehow blurring into the present. That is, I'm currently approaching a time where I must select an internship for fall of 2005 that will probably, at the very least, provide a strong grounding in a specific area that will lead to a full-time job at another company in the same area.
After a very sucessful interview, I feel like I have a very strong chance of being offered this one internship at an amazing theatre company in their marketing department. I received a phone call yesterday (after all the interviews and reference checking), but I was not home, so I got a message requesting that I call them back. He sounded cheerful enough that I currently am under the impression that I will be offered the position. I'm not an optimist in the least, so usually when I think these things it's for a logical reason.
In any case, I need to call him back today to find out whether or not I'm offered the internship. But- I have an interview tomorrow for an internship at a high-tech PR agency, which is an area I'm very interested in going into. While the theatre internship lasts 10 months (and provides housing), the internship with the PR agency is only 6 months and as far as I know, housing is up to the intern for the finding.
However, both places say that there is possible career growth for interns. The thing is, at the theatre company, which is a relatively small organization, it's basically- if a position happens to be available after you finish you're internship and we like you, we might hire you. Whereas the PR agency described the internship position as a job with the possibility of leading to a full-time position within the agency.
The only thing is, do I want to leave theatre entirely, or do I want to cling to it doing the only thing I might be offered to do-- ie marketing, pr, etc. If I'm in theatre, honestly, I want to direct. I feel like I'm going to get stuck in this trap of marketing- which is great to learn- but, while I love the idea of theatre as a whole- my passion is making good theatre. Marketing for someone else's idea of good theatre, well, is not exactly my idea of a fullfilling life.
But this IS only one year. And it would be at a really awesome theatre company. AND I might get to meet Tony Kushner. AND-- it can't hurt to understand marketing before moving on to my next position in life.
I partially feel like if I'm lucky enough to be offered both positions (which, according to my current state of self-belief) I think might be possible, the ideal situation would be to do the theatre internship sept-june/july and then move directly into the 6-month pr internship. That will give me a good year and a half to explore both areas and figure out what I want to do- without giving any opportunities up. But...
I don't know. A part of me really wants to work with this PR agency. My socialist side is saying- don't sell out- don't sell out-- but my "I like to have money to make art on the side" side is saying "sell out so you can afford to paint and do what you love. Your job shouldn't have to be your life!" -- And that's the thing. If I was a director in theatre, I wouldn't mind my job being my life. It might pay next to nothing, but that would not be why I would choose that career path. Sure, theatre's need good marketing people (they're damn important) but-- I don't know if that's something I'm really passionate about.
Yesterday I went to this multimedia showcase where I showed my published clips to a variety of people who worked in advertising related fields. They all were impressed with my writing ability as well as my plan (what? I have a plan?) and said that I'm on the right track. It's really nice to hear this when I'm 2 and a half weeks from graduation. Still, it doesn't really tell me what job I should choose for the rest of my life...
But PR just sounds fun, especially the company I'm currently applying to work with (their website, at the very least, makes them sound great!) -- I do have a phone interview with them tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully I'll be able to request a few days to think about the position at the theatre company before letting them know if I'm going to take it.
At least both of these positions are only short stints. If I choose one or the other and end up hating it (which hopefully I won't) it's really not the end of the world. I know that. But still... I want to be happy in the coming year. And I want to feel like I can really be the best I can at the tasks I'm assigned. I know what it's like to feel like I can't offer a lot to a position (ie, my current internship with two journalists, where the only thing I'm good for is designing the website- and even that looks like relative crap). BUT, I know I'm a good thinker & strategic planner- which I'm sure would be a strong skill to have for marketing or PR. I guess the idea of working with a high tech PR agency (whose client list is quite impressive) appeals to me because I love technology and think it's the bees knees of the corporate world. Afterall, for some reason, I feel like it's alright to ethically market technology. Well. I feel better marketing technology than having to try to get press for a bad piece of theatre. And seeing as I'm the toughest critic I know, there will certainly be times when I'll be asked to figure out how to get an audience to come see a show that I personally think is awful. There will also be times when I will be part of a theatre company doing new work that makes me proud to work for that theatre company, that really comments on social issues and is well acted, designed, directed, etc. But at least with technology- well- there won't really be any subjective tie to it. A company will come out with a new product, which I will most likely think is cool, and then after I figure out exactly what it is, I will try to get it press. This will be easy because I'd basically be writing press releases and explaining things that I'm fascinated with. Ie, one client of this pr agency is macromedia. I love all the macromedia products and am always excited when they come out with something new (although I can't afford it myself.) I just think it would be lots of fun to work in the world of high-tech PR, not to mention that the growth potential is there and that I could really, within the next 10 years, find myself in a job that would start putting some money in the bank for savings (that would also include healthcare and other benefits.)
The companies website lists the benefits for their employees (not for their interns, but still)-- and the list is impressive. They have a $500 per year "balance fund" that allows their employees to be reimbursed for anything from french lessons to piano lessons. They also provide gym membership and a ton of other really great incentives to do a good job. Yea, so right now it seems like I'm a lot more excited about the PR agency opportunity than the one at the theatre company. Not to mention that I could definitely end up not being offered any of these positions and having to kick myself for being so confident about this at the moment.
Well, I guess I should go prepare myself for the day. Toodles
After a very sucessful interview, I feel like I have a very strong chance of being offered this one internship at an amazing theatre company in their marketing department. I received a phone call yesterday (after all the interviews and reference checking), but I was not home, so I got a message requesting that I call them back. He sounded cheerful enough that I currently am under the impression that I will be offered the position. I'm not an optimist in the least, so usually when I think these things it's for a logical reason.
In any case, I need to call him back today to find out whether or not I'm offered the internship. But- I have an interview tomorrow for an internship at a high-tech PR agency, which is an area I'm very interested in going into. While the theatre internship lasts 10 months (and provides housing), the internship with the PR agency is only 6 months and as far as I know, housing is up to the intern for the finding.
However, both places say that there is possible career growth for interns. The thing is, at the theatre company, which is a relatively small organization, it's basically- if a position happens to be available after you finish you're internship and we like you, we might hire you. Whereas the PR agency described the internship position as a job with the possibility of leading to a full-time position within the agency.
The only thing is, do I want to leave theatre entirely, or do I want to cling to it doing the only thing I might be offered to do-- ie marketing, pr, etc. If I'm in theatre, honestly, I want to direct. I feel like I'm going to get stuck in this trap of marketing- which is great to learn- but, while I love the idea of theatre as a whole- my passion is making good theatre. Marketing for someone else's idea of good theatre, well, is not exactly my idea of a fullfilling life.
But this IS only one year. And it would be at a really awesome theatre company. AND I might get to meet Tony Kushner. AND-- it can't hurt to understand marketing before moving on to my next position in life.
I partially feel like if I'm lucky enough to be offered both positions (which, according to my current state of self-belief) I think might be possible, the ideal situation would be to do the theatre internship sept-june/july and then move directly into the 6-month pr internship. That will give me a good year and a half to explore both areas and figure out what I want to do- without giving any opportunities up. But...
I don't know. A part of me really wants to work with this PR agency. My socialist side is saying- don't sell out- don't sell out-- but my "I like to have money to make art on the side" side is saying "sell out so you can afford to paint and do what you love. Your job shouldn't have to be your life!" -- And that's the thing. If I was a director in theatre, I wouldn't mind my job being my life. It might pay next to nothing, but that would not be why I would choose that career path. Sure, theatre's need good marketing people (they're damn important) but-- I don't know if that's something I'm really passionate about.
Yesterday I went to this multimedia showcase where I showed my published clips to a variety of people who worked in advertising related fields. They all were impressed with my writing ability as well as my plan (what? I have a plan?) and said that I'm on the right track. It's really nice to hear this when I'm 2 and a half weeks from graduation. Still, it doesn't really tell me what job I should choose for the rest of my life...
But PR just sounds fun, especially the company I'm currently applying to work with (their website, at the very least, makes them sound great!) -- I do have a phone interview with them tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully I'll be able to request a few days to think about the position at the theatre company before letting them know if I'm going to take it.
At least both of these positions are only short stints. If I choose one or the other and end up hating it (which hopefully I won't) it's really not the end of the world. I know that. But still... I want to be happy in the coming year. And I want to feel like I can really be the best I can at the tasks I'm assigned. I know what it's like to feel like I can't offer a lot to a position (ie, my current internship with two journalists, where the only thing I'm good for is designing the website- and even that looks like relative crap). BUT, I know I'm a good thinker & strategic planner- which I'm sure would be a strong skill to have for marketing or PR. I guess the idea of working with a high tech PR agency (whose client list is quite impressive) appeals to me because I love technology and think it's the bees knees of the corporate world. Afterall, for some reason, I feel like it's alright to ethically market technology. Well. I feel better marketing technology than having to try to get press for a bad piece of theatre. And seeing as I'm the toughest critic I know, there will certainly be times when I'll be asked to figure out how to get an audience to come see a show that I personally think is awful. There will also be times when I will be part of a theatre company doing new work that makes me proud to work for that theatre company, that really comments on social issues and is well acted, designed, directed, etc. But at least with technology- well- there won't really be any subjective tie to it. A company will come out with a new product, which I will most likely think is cool, and then after I figure out exactly what it is, I will try to get it press. This will be easy because I'd basically be writing press releases and explaining things that I'm fascinated with. Ie, one client of this pr agency is macromedia. I love all the macromedia products and am always excited when they come out with something new (although I can't afford it myself.) I just think it would be lots of fun to work in the world of high-tech PR, not to mention that the growth potential is there and that I could really, within the next 10 years, find myself in a job that would start putting some money in the bank for savings (that would also include healthcare and other benefits.)
The companies website lists the benefits for their employees (not for their interns, but still)-- and the list is impressive. They have a $500 per year "balance fund" that allows their employees to be reimbursed for anything from french lessons to piano lessons. They also provide gym membership and a ton of other really great incentives to do a good job. Yea, so right now it seems like I'm a lot more excited about the PR agency opportunity than the one at the theatre company. Not to mention that I could definitely end up not being offered any of these positions and having to kick myself for being so confident about this at the moment.
Well, I guess I should go prepare myself for the day. Toodles
"If you can't fail, you can't do anything."
Dad drove in to town, picked up my things and left (he forgot to book a hotel room for Sat night and refused to stay at my place although I offered him a bed.)
The conversation I had w/ my father was really great. I know I hold his opinions to be the be all end all of life-- just because despite his hot temper, I feel like he is very wise (for the most part.) So I talked to him a bit about my relationship and got some really good advice there. He strongly recommended that in the sit w/ my current bf, we both take some time off to see other people because since we're so inexperienced it's too hard to really appreciate what we have now, even if it is really good-- he said that any relationship strong enough will come back together on its own. He told me that I was probably chasing too much, and that I should let my bf do some chasing for a while, if he wants to, that is. I think that's definitely true. I hate that when it comes down to it I have to play into the idea that I'm the girl, he's the guy, and the guy wants to be the pursuer, the girl the pursued. It seems stupid in this day in age to have to purposely create that scenerio, but I must say, I do believe it works. Eh.
I just wish I had some more confidence, in my looks and intelligence. I really do think that when I get out into the "real world" and have to support myself, confidence will come. Right now I just feel completely out of control of my life. Not having control of anything in my life is hard, because then it makes me want to control- well- people, like, my boyfriend for instance. Not what he does really, but moreso control the fact that he'll be in my life for a while... that he'll want to stay with me. Guess it's kind of like knowing I can pay all the bills on time, get to the gym, do a good job at work and still have time to read on the side. It's feeling like I'm a real adult and not some kid dependent on her parents money and opinions. I hate that feeling. I know I should be appreciative for the great life they gave me, yada yada, and I know that for the most part I am. But I have never had ANY responsibility of my own. Or at lesat it feels like I haven't. And when I have had responsibility for small things, I failed miserably. Not "at work" things, but moreso getting my room clean, taking out the trash bag-- these stupid little bits of what could be considered the particles of autonomous adulthood, and still, thus-far, I've been a failure.
Well, screw that. I'm cleaning my room today. I'm eating some peanut butter for breakfast, hoping this slight sangria hangover goes away, cleaning my room until it's spotless. It's a lot more achievable now that I sent home a lot of the bigger things w/ my dad yesterday. So it's 10:14. I'm going to clean until 11:15. By 12 I need to be up in Lincoln Square so I can get quotes for my feature writing "neighborhood" article. By 3 I want to be home. Doing more homework. But at that time my room will be spotless so I'll be able to focus. It's funny, I bet Mag (my extremely neat roommate) thinks that somehow I function just fine in my mess, while she gets anxious at the site of one thing being out of place. I don't know if this would make any sense to her, but I honestly think I'm like that to, except I've gotten to the point where I've given up. I'm just a perfectionist, I guess, so it's all or nothing with me. Not a quality I'm proud of, and one that I'm certainly working really hard to fix, but something that's-- well-- it's true, despite how hard it is to believe. I LOVE having a clean room. I LOVE feeling in control. Having every last penny in its place. But when there is so much STUFF I don't know how to handle it all. It all piles up and before you know it there's a mess. So I give up. I give up too easily. I don't want to deal with my inability to control my living circumstance, so I do the only thing I know how to do-- ignore it. Stay out of my room, except to sleep. Give up. Meanwhile, here I am attempting to keep my relationship ("clean")/in order. This is terrible to admit, but being in a relationship (not just with my current boyfriend, but with ANYONE) feels like constantly having to clean up a room. Sure, sometimes you hang up some really great picture on a wall and it makes the room look 10 times cooler than it ever did and you think, damn, my room rocks- but most of the time it's having to put away junk that keeps ending up on your floor. So people think I'm crazy for saying that sometimes I do want to be alone forever-- well, I guess this is why. I hate my internal OCD which cases my control-freakishness in relationships, and I don't want to go on believing this metaphor to be true. But I would think it would be somewhat true for everyone... isn't it? I mean, what are relationships, really? We don't get to observe much of them to mimic, except for on TV and in the Movies- which would lead one to have very limited ideas of what problems people in relationships should have. And then everyone keeps the details of their relationships so private that in public it's either- oh, look at that HAPPY couple or-- they really hate each other, they just shouldn't be together. -- it doesn't feel like there is an acceptence in our culture of inconsistancy. We live in a perfectionist culture. America has to be THE BEST (not second best, that's not good enough.) We have to make THE MOST money or live in the NICEST house in the BEST neighborhood. Second best just doesn't cut it. Third best? You might as well not exist...
Of course not everyone can be "THE BEST," but in our country we're taught that everyone should strive for that. Well, I'm striving, but I keep loosing, or so it feels, and I often just want to give up fighting. My dad is such a realist, he knows that I have my idealistic dreams now, but he tells me that I need to just go get a job. Get a job with health insurance. I might want to 'save the world' now, but this will all change once I start making a salary. Will it? I don't know. I'm so confused regarding what I want to do with my life. Although there is the worry that I won't get a job at all, the bigger worry is which I want to really work towards getting. I could go into online journalism, sitting behind a computer all day, updating a site- but that's not going to make me happy. I could become a theatre director, sometimes make great theatre, sometimes make horrible theatre, always try to at worst, make decent theatre. I could become a print journalist, writing about the lives of others, living vicariously through those I write about and never having much of a life of my own. I could go back to school and get a PhD in sociology, spend my life-- probably-- teaching at some community college or third-tier institution to kids who, for the most part, don't care and just want a job. Try to teach them ethics. Hah. It would be great if I COULD do that, but again, I know failure would get to me all too quickly.
Yesterday Mag & I were talking about going into a life in the theatre, and she really believes that you have to be willing to fail in order to succeed. Emma Thompson, at the Gala, said "If you can't fail, you can't do anything." I've heard the concept a million times and I know how true it is. But I'm just terrified of failure. Because if I fail, then there will be my dad saying "I told you so." There you have it-- that's what it really comes down to. If I had parents who, when I failed, would say "That's alright, get back up and try again" then maybe, just maybe I could go after what I really want. But I've been raised to think that once one fails, it should signify it's not what's meant to be. It's not a journey to success. It's either success or you're doing something terribly wrong.
When's my next psych appointment? This shit is deep. Heh.
Dad drove in to town, picked up my things and left (he forgot to book a hotel room for Sat night and refused to stay at my place although I offered him a bed.)
The conversation I had w/ my father was really great. I know I hold his opinions to be the be all end all of life-- just because despite his hot temper, I feel like he is very wise (for the most part.) So I talked to him a bit about my relationship and got some really good advice there. He strongly recommended that in the sit w/ my current bf, we both take some time off to see other people because since we're so inexperienced it's too hard to really appreciate what we have now, even if it is really good-- he said that any relationship strong enough will come back together on its own. He told me that I was probably chasing too much, and that I should let my bf do some chasing for a while, if he wants to, that is. I think that's definitely true. I hate that when it comes down to it I have to play into the idea that I'm the girl, he's the guy, and the guy wants to be the pursuer, the girl the pursued. It seems stupid in this day in age to have to purposely create that scenerio, but I must say, I do believe it works. Eh.
I just wish I had some more confidence, in my looks and intelligence. I really do think that when I get out into the "real world" and have to support myself, confidence will come. Right now I just feel completely out of control of my life. Not having control of anything in my life is hard, because then it makes me want to control- well- people, like, my boyfriend for instance. Not what he does really, but moreso control the fact that he'll be in my life for a while... that he'll want to stay with me. Guess it's kind of like knowing I can pay all the bills on time, get to the gym, do a good job at work and still have time to read on the side. It's feeling like I'm a real adult and not some kid dependent on her parents money and opinions. I hate that feeling. I know I should be appreciative for the great life they gave me, yada yada, and I know that for the most part I am. But I have never had ANY responsibility of my own. Or at lesat it feels like I haven't. And when I have had responsibility for small things, I failed miserably. Not "at work" things, but moreso getting my room clean, taking out the trash bag-- these stupid little bits of what could be considered the particles of autonomous adulthood, and still, thus-far, I've been a failure.
Well, screw that. I'm cleaning my room today. I'm eating some peanut butter for breakfast, hoping this slight sangria hangover goes away, cleaning my room until it's spotless. It's a lot more achievable now that I sent home a lot of the bigger things w/ my dad yesterday. So it's 10:14. I'm going to clean until 11:15. By 12 I need to be up in Lincoln Square so I can get quotes for my feature writing "neighborhood" article. By 3 I want to be home. Doing more homework. But at that time my room will be spotless so I'll be able to focus. It's funny, I bet Mag (my extremely neat roommate) thinks that somehow I function just fine in my mess, while she gets anxious at the site of one thing being out of place. I don't know if this would make any sense to her, but I honestly think I'm like that to, except I've gotten to the point where I've given up. I'm just a perfectionist, I guess, so it's all or nothing with me. Not a quality I'm proud of, and one that I'm certainly working really hard to fix, but something that's-- well-- it's true, despite how hard it is to believe. I LOVE having a clean room. I LOVE feeling in control. Having every last penny in its place. But when there is so much STUFF I don't know how to handle it all. It all piles up and before you know it there's a mess. So I give up. I give up too easily. I don't want to deal with my inability to control my living circumstance, so I do the only thing I know how to do-- ignore it. Stay out of my room, except to sleep. Give up. Meanwhile, here I am attempting to keep my relationship ("clean")/in order. This is terrible to admit, but being in a relationship (not just with my current boyfriend, but with ANYONE) feels like constantly having to clean up a room. Sure, sometimes you hang up some really great picture on a wall and it makes the room look 10 times cooler than it ever did and you think, damn, my room rocks- but most of the time it's having to put away junk that keeps ending up on your floor. So people think I'm crazy for saying that sometimes I do want to be alone forever-- well, I guess this is why. I hate my internal OCD which cases my control-freakishness in relationships, and I don't want to go on believing this metaphor to be true. But I would think it would be somewhat true for everyone... isn't it? I mean, what are relationships, really? We don't get to observe much of them to mimic, except for on TV and in the Movies- which would lead one to have very limited ideas of what problems people in relationships should have. And then everyone keeps the details of their relationships so private that in public it's either- oh, look at that HAPPY couple or-- they really hate each other, they just shouldn't be together. -- it doesn't feel like there is an acceptence in our culture of inconsistancy. We live in a perfectionist culture. America has to be THE BEST (not second best, that's not good enough.) We have to make THE MOST money or live in the NICEST house in the BEST neighborhood. Second best just doesn't cut it. Third best? You might as well not exist...
Of course not everyone can be "THE BEST," but in our country we're taught that everyone should strive for that. Well, I'm striving, but I keep loosing, or so it feels, and I often just want to give up fighting. My dad is such a realist, he knows that I have my idealistic dreams now, but he tells me that I need to just go get a job. Get a job with health insurance. I might want to 'save the world' now, but this will all change once I start making a salary. Will it? I don't know. I'm so confused regarding what I want to do with my life. Although there is the worry that I won't get a job at all, the bigger worry is which I want to really work towards getting. I could go into online journalism, sitting behind a computer all day, updating a site- but that's not going to make me happy. I could become a theatre director, sometimes make great theatre, sometimes make horrible theatre, always try to at worst, make decent theatre. I could become a print journalist, writing about the lives of others, living vicariously through those I write about and never having much of a life of my own. I could go back to school and get a PhD in sociology, spend my life-- probably-- teaching at some community college or third-tier institution to kids who, for the most part, don't care and just want a job. Try to teach them ethics. Hah. It would be great if I COULD do that, but again, I know failure would get to me all too quickly.
Yesterday Mag & I were talking about going into a life in the theatre, and she really believes that you have to be willing to fail in order to succeed. Emma Thompson, at the Gala, said "If you can't fail, you can't do anything." I've heard the concept a million times and I know how true it is. But I'm just terrified of failure. Because if I fail, then there will be my dad saying "I told you so." There you have it-- that's what it really comes down to. If I had parents who, when I failed, would say "That's alright, get back up and try again" then maybe, just maybe I could go after what I really want. But I've been raised to think that once one fails, it should signify it's not what's meant to be. It's not a journey to success. It's either success or you're doing something terribly wrong.
When's my next psych appointment? This shit is deep. Heh.
I am conducting a survey for a sociology paper I am writing and would like to obtain responses from students at a wide variety of schools. If you have a few free minutes, please respond to the survey at the following link. Thanks!
http://www.surveyshare.com/survey/take/?sid=21884
http://www.surveyshare.com/survey/take/?sid=21884
...I've also decided to apply to Americorps-- I think it would be a great way to spend a year and really help a community (then feel good about myself and a little less worthless). The only thing is that as an Americorps member you make $1000 a month for full-time work. Living in the bay area, that doesn't cover much. I've been reading that most Americorps members get food stamps when they serve. I'm not sure if I'd qualify because I have a good amount of money in savings, but I really don't want to spend all my savings trying to survive while working--indirectly--for the government. But at least they provide healthcare, so I guess that's worth something. Still, it kind of freaks me out to think of signing up for foodstamps. And again, I'm not even sure if I'd qualify. I bet I could find housing for $700 in a not-so-nice area of Oakland with five or so roommates, but that still leaves transportation and food. $300 a month would I guess be enough... I just wouldn't have any money to do much else with. Maybe I'd at least loose weight or something. Hmm.
I really don't know what I'm doing next year and I want to know asap. I understand that I'm not going to be making much money, if any, but I would prefer not to loose any as the year progresses. I'd take that BR internship in a heartbeat if I was offered it, but I know the chances of that are slim to none. So... I guess I just have to keep applying for all of these random jobs. Americorps shouldn't be too hard to get into. The program I'm looking at specifically wants people with web design, film editing and graphic design experience... well, I at least know web design and I can fake it when it comes to graphics. I know a bit about film editing too... and can fake that as well. I'd be working in west oakland, not quite sure how I'd get there... or where I'd live. But I imagine I at least have a decent chance of getting a position with them. Again, working for less than minimum wage. Getting food stamps.
*sigh* It's not like I want to make a ridiculous amount of money. I'd probably feel guilty if I did. But I'd like to live in a decent neighborhood in a clean apartment and be able to eat three meals a day. And maybe even go to the movies once in a blue moon.
It is going to be absolutely ridiculous when I move to the bay area-- if i'm still dating you know who-- and he's really making in the mid 100,000's and i'm making 10,000 a year. How can two people with incomes as drastically diffrent as that date? At least if I was working @ the BR I'd have housing and a stipend-- it would still be living on a tight budget, but it would be worth it. The training I would get there, esp in the graphic design department would be worth much more than I'd be getting paid. But doing Americorps-- well it would be really great to do. Not so much in terms of training, but in terms of something I should do. Give to the community. I'm such a spoiled brat, it would be really helpful for shaping myself to dedicate a year to service. But... after that, then what? I'll have depleated my savings... or at least some of it... do I go to grad school just because I have a $4700 education award from Americorps then, or do I move home because I'm poor and am unable to get a job?
I don't think this whole freaking out thing is all too ridiculous. m doesn't get it. He went to Yale and got a job paying in the upper 5 digits right out of college. Then he went to law school and now, well, he's basically getting paid a salary more than I'll make in 10 years. Not that I hold it against him or anything-- he's a smart guy who has worked very hard for a long time, and he's also 5 and a half years older than me now, so of course he's going to be better off financially than I am. But I'm also facing jobs right now, that at most will pay me $15,000 a year- and those are the entry-level reporter jobs in the middle of nowhere, which might be my best bet. Sure I can move to the-middle-of-nowhere in Christian-land and be miserable day after day, but be able to afford a small studio apartment and food and still put some money in savings. But then I know the relationship is over, and besides that I'll also be living somewhere where I know absolutely no body and where I don't really fit into the culture. Is that the smartest thing to do right now? I'm trying to think in terms of long term goals, because although they say that people change careers a few times throughout their lives, I'm not about to live in poverty in order to provide myself with experience that won't eventually lead to a job I actually want. That might not be a terrible thing to do wrong once, but eventually I'm just going to get frustrated with myself and more depressed than I ever thought I could be.
I just want to know I have a job next year. That's all. I want a job and a place to live. I want to get started on my adult life and figure it all out one day at a time.
But I have no control over who will hire me. I might eventually figure out how to do decent at an interview, but still, it's always up to chance.
Man, I wish I was religious. Right now, I could use a little faith in my life.
I really don't know what I'm doing next year and I want to know asap. I understand that I'm not going to be making much money, if any, but I would prefer not to loose any as the year progresses. I'd take that BR internship in a heartbeat if I was offered it, but I know the chances of that are slim to none. So... I guess I just have to keep applying for all of these random jobs. Americorps shouldn't be too hard to get into. The program I'm looking at specifically wants people with web design, film editing and graphic design experience... well, I at least know web design and I can fake it when it comes to graphics. I know a bit about film editing too... and can fake that as well. I'd be working in west oakland, not quite sure how I'd get there... or where I'd live. But I imagine I at least have a decent chance of getting a position with them. Again, working for less than minimum wage. Getting food stamps.
*sigh* It's not like I want to make a ridiculous amount of money. I'd probably feel guilty if I did. But I'd like to live in a decent neighborhood in a clean apartment and be able to eat three meals a day. And maybe even go to the movies once in a blue moon.
It is going to be absolutely ridiculous when I move to the bay area-- if i'm still dating you know who-- and he's really making in the mid 100,000's and i'm making 10,000 a year. How can two people with incomes as drastically diffrent as that date? At least if I was working @ the BR I'd have housing and a stipend-- it would still be living on a tight budget, but it would be worth it. The training I would get there, esp in the graphic design department would be worth much more than I'd be getting paid. But doing Americorps-- well it would be really great to do. Not so much in terms of training, but in terms of something I should do. Give to the community. I'm such a spoiled brat, it would be really helpful for shaping myself to dedicate a year to service. But... after that, then what? I'll have depleated my savings... or at least some of it... do I go to grad school just because I have a $4700 education award from Americorps then, or do I move home because I'm poor and am unable to get a job?
I don't think this whole freaking out thing is all too ridiculous. m doesn't get it. He went to Yale and got a job paying in the upper 5 digits right out of college. Then he went to law school and now, well, he's basically getting paid a salary more than I'll make in 10 years. Not that I hold it against him or anything-- he's a smart guy who has worked very hard for a long time, and he's also 5 and a half years older than me now, so of course he's going to be better off financially than I am. But I'm also facing jobs right now, that at most will pay me $15,000 a year- and those are the entry-level reporter jobs in the middle of nowhere, which might be my best bet. Sure I can move to the-middle-of-nowhere in Christian-land and be miserable day after day, but be able to afford a small studio apartment and food and still put some money in savings. But then I know the relationship is over, and besides that I'll also be living somewhere where I know absolutely no body and where I don't really fit into the culture. Is that the smartest thing to do right now? I'm trying to think in terms of long term goals, because although they say that people change careers a few times throughout their lives, I'm not about to live in poverty in order to provide myself with experience that won't eventually lead to a job I actually want. That might not be a terrible thing to do wrong once, but eventually I'm just going to get frustrated with myself and more depressed than I ever thought I could be.
I just want to know I have a job next year. That's all. I want a job and a place to live. I want to get started on my adult life and figure it all out one day at a time.
But I have no control over who will hire me. I might eventually figure out how to do decent at an interview, but still, it's always up to chance.
Man, I wish I was religious. Right now, I could use a little faith in my life.
