gaming system.
faults, flaws, unfortunate fallen flame
forgotten in spite, reminded by lovers fame
in a world where escaping socialization can be
a symphony of silence in perfect harmony
while a kiss on the lips is explosion by force
years later leading up to pain and divorce
so to each her and his own, we run from the pain
in time, our desire for control drives us insane
we all find our own way to hide from it all
turning ourselves into unbreakable dolls
yet we are porcelain by nature, shattered by a blow
our hearts cannot hide forever without needing to glow
eventually time burns out and impatience peruses
humanity seeps in and the ride of a lifetime will ensue
when two lips touch, sometimes a world can change
or at least somewhat be altered or rearranged
and a girl who once refused to love another man
finds herself fallen in spite of her romantic ban
we're both fragile creatures, terribly afraid of a broken heart
yet this time we have not fled from the start
instead the clock is ticking onward in verse
and emotions are twirling with the power of a witches curse
all impossibilities now have their way
allowing my soul to pause it's decay
and onward it goes, this song of giving in
though what you do to me shall remain my internal sin
because this was not supposed to happen,
I was to avoid this game,
not become the cliché oh-so-very lame
and I was to loose, not to win-
Why in heavens name did I let this all begin?
Now lacking the words to describe how I feel
just wrap your arms around me and define my poetics real.
faults, flaws, unfortunate fallen flame
forgotten in spite, reminded by lovers fame
in a world where escaping socialization can be
a symphony of silence in perfect harmony
while a kiss on the lips is explosion by force
years later leading up to pain and divorce
so to each her and his own, we run from the pain
in time, our desire for control drives us insane
we all find our own way to hide from it all
turning ourselves into unbreakable dolls
yet we are porcelain by nature, shattered by a blow
our hearts cannot hide forever without needing to glow
eventually time burns out and impatience peruses
humanity seeps in and the ride of a lifetime will ensue
when two lips touch, sometimes a world can change
or at least somewhat be altered or rearranged
and a girl who once refused to love another man
finds herself fallen in spite of her romantic ban
we're both fragile creatures, terribly afraid of a broken heart
yet this time we have not fled from the start
instead the clock is ticking onward in verse
and emotions are twirling with the power of a witches curse
all impossibilities now have their way
allowing my soul to pause it's decay
and onward it goes, this song of giving in
though what you do to me shall remain my internal sin
because this was not supposed to happen,
I was to avoid this game,
not become the cliché oh-so-very lame
and I was to loose, not to win-
Why in heavens name did I let this all begin?
Now lacking the words to describe how I feel
just wrap your arms around me and define my poetics real.
Withholding my truth from the fine lines of your skin
a wine tasting of a split personality
divided by the exacto knife, simply down the middle
without a drop of blod shed
or a tear fallen to the earth
she waits in two
until life ceases definition.
a wine tasting of a split personality
divided by the exacto knife, simply down the middle
without a drop of blod shed
or a tear fallen to the earth
she waits in two
until life ceases definition.
precursor to a love song
When I said I didnt believe in love
Its because I was afraid
And I promised myself
Id stay far away until I reached my grave
But then I found you in the darkest dream
And all my logics gone to shame
Nothing makes sense anymore
Yet nothing is to blame
And when I look into the distance
I see your face imprinted on the air
Silly, I know, but I cant deny
The ever present feeling there
In my deepest darkest thoughts
I see you sharp and clear
Whispering unspeakable words
Unto my silken flesh, painted in tears.
When I said I didnt believe in love
Its because I was afraid
I wouldnt want to admit to this fear
But I certainly wasnt brave-
Im a slave for pain
An angel of hurt
I long for sorrow
To end up drowning- knee deep in dirt.
So this is the beginning of a story never told
I wonder how long it will take before it gets old
Maybe I am falling, or perhaps its all a joke
I cannot run any longer, my hearts near broke.
Listen to me when I tell you that I care
Because I wouldnt lie for anything
And I feel more than Ive ever felt before
I know youre going to hurt me
Im ready for the day
We havent even started
But I know youll go away
In my dreams you sing me to sleep
Softly, now, I pray
Kiss me in this moment
So Ill be quiet and not scare you away-
I dont want you to go away-
When I said I didnt believe in love
Its because I was afraid
And I promised myself
Id stay far away until I reached my grave
But then I found you in the darkest dream
And all my logics gone to shame
Nothing makes sense anymore
Yet nothing is to blame
And when I look into the distance
I see your face imprinted on the air
Silly, I know, but I cant deny
The ever present feeling there
In my deepest darkest thoughts
I see you sharp and clear
Whispering unspeakable words
Unto my silken flesh, painted in tears.
When I said I didnt believe in love
Its because I was afraid
I wouldnt want to admit to this fear
But I certainly wasnt brave-
Im a slave for pain
An angel of hurt
I long for sorrow
To end up drowning- knee deep in dirt.
So this is the beginning of a story never told
I wonder how long it will take before it gets old
Maybe I am falling, or perhaps its all a joke
I cannot run any longer, my hearts near broke.
Listen to me when I tell you that I care
Because I wouldnt lie for anything
And I feel more than Ive ever felt before
I know youre going to hurt me
Im ready for the day
We havent even started
But I know youll go away
In my dreams you sing me to sleep
Softly, now, I pray
Kiss me in this moment
So Ill be quiet and not scare you away-
I dont want you to go away-
I found a guy who I'm incredibly attracted to, who also likes me back. Of the many things I'd be afraid for him to find out "later on" in the relationship, he's already seen or dealt with-- ala- my body hair (the first time he saw me naked I definitely hadn't shaved in a while)-- my stomach (he's seen me naked)-- my bisexuality (well... yea- he knows) - my "dorkiness" (i've been a dork around him from the get-go.)
It's just really hard to take all of these things I'm hearing about him that are so negative and really be a fair judge. I know I like this guy. I don't know if I like him because of some superficial or temporary reason. Yes, he's physically attractive. The guy has an amazing body and a beautiful face. I can look at him for hours and not get bored or annoyed by much (although the nose hair the other day got on my nerves... I think i just need to get used to men being so hairy! And.. ughm... some men will have to get used to ME being so hairy!) --- So Adena, who cares greatly about looks due to the fact that she knows she'll have to kiss the guy she's with, is satisfied greatly.
But then there is the whole personality thing that comes into play. As of so far, Adena has liked what she's seen in him. She likes him as a person, but she's not so sure if she likes him as a person she could date.
She hates the fact that she hears things from all sides... that her roommate happens to have ISSUES with him for OBVIOUS reasons... that she's spoken w/ his ex gf and feels like she's gotten a fair commentary on why he's not good to date-- "he sucks at life. Trust me. He's really wierd... and I can't describe it. Like-- I seriously had to break it off pretty nastily with him, due to the fact that he's A) smothering B) distracting from school C) tries too hard to be sincere, but ends up sounding like a cheezy 80's film D)is bad in bed E)really out there psychologically--- (long story) and E) causes drama in places that dont need to exist. oh and by the way F) pisses me off frequently. But other than that, we're like best friends! heh."
Reading that whole bundle of (most likely) truth, I'm incredibly confused about what to do with the situation. As of now, I know that the other girl who liked him isn't interested in dating him... and I know he knows that. So now it's up to me. I read these things and have to say that some of the things that other people hate might be -- what I want -- or need, even.
Well... lets see... A- he's smothering. I don't want to be smothered, but at the same time, I really feel lonely right now and I wouldn't mind having someone to be really close to. I'm not sure how smothering *is* smothering, but it's not like I have a life much otherwise. I really want a person to go places with... to just have fun with. I'm not like his ex gf who wrote this-- she's really into being social and having friends and going out w/ her friends. When do I go out with my friends???
B- I'm already distracted from school. Maybe I'd be less distracted because I'd actually be happy, and have a reason to want to get my work done early.
C- I see this in him completely-- some of his lines are pretty bad. But it's cute all the same-- after a while this might get on my nerves. But, honestly, there are soooooo many things I do that would get on other people's nerves. And I find his lack of seriousness during a lot of conversation makes it easier for me to talk to him. And he can be serious-- I've talked to him in person alone once-- but he WASN'T all 80's movie like the entire time. I'm sure there will be days when I'll look at him and say- stop trying so hard. Just talk to me. But I do believe there is a lot more to him under that-- (maybe there isn't?) -- I want to find out.
D- Well, I have nothing to compare him to, unless you count women- and I don't think that's fair. So his ex *and* my roommate have said that he's bad in bed... What *is* bad in bed, anyway? I know that he's creative-- that's good. He says he likes to be dominant or submissive-- just like me. *tmi coming up, close your eyes if you don't want to know this*-- he blindfolded me the other night-- which really turned me on... Oh- we didn't have sex sex, btw-- I'm going to wait a long while for that. But I did do something to him that was- ahem- new for me. Anyway-- I haven't gotten off w/ him yet, but that's just because i need to relax a lot to be able to and this is all so new, there is no way I'm going to be at the level of ease required for such a thing to happen. So-- I don't know what to make with "d".
E- I don't have the long story. He told me about his "past" when he was a little man-whore, but he's changed since then. I don't want to judge people on their pasts. And fuck- I'm definitely "out there psychologically" as well. Oh-- and did she say 'causes drama in places that need not have it?'-- this seems to be something I do as well. Maybe he's me.
F- Well- he pisses her off ... but he hasn't pissed me off yet. We'll see about this one.
So-- I don't know what to do right now. It really pains me that I can't go to my roommate for advice because she really is the only person i can talk to about these things. In addition, it's the worst feeling in the world to know I'm hurting her- or at least making things weirder than they need to be. I'm seriously tempted to just stop all of this- it's not worth loosing her friendship (if i haven't already.) I don't know-- why is it that when I finally meet a guy I really really like, he has to come with a Jerry Springer episode? Seriously- my life is so f'd up.
It's just really hard to take all of these things I'm hearing about him that are so negative and really be a fair judge. I know I like this guy. I don't know if I like him because of some superficial or temporary reason. Yes, he's physically attractive. The guy has an amazing body and a beautiful face. I can look at him for hours and not get bored or annoyed by much (although the nose hair the other day got on my nerves... I think i just need to get used to men being so hairy! And.. ughm... some men will have to get used to ME being so hairy!) --- So Adena, who cares greatly about looks due to the fact that she knows she'll have to kiss the guy she's with, is satisfied greatly.
But then there is the whole personality thing that comes into play. As of so far, Adena has liked what she's seen in him. She likes him as a person, but she's not so sure if she likes him as a person she could date.
She hates the fact that she hears things from all sides... that her roommate happens to have ISSUES with him for OBVIOUS reasons... that she's spoken w/ his ex gf and feels like she's gotten a fair commentary on why he's not good to date-- "he sucks at life. Trust me. He's really wierd... and I can't describe it. Like-- I seriously had to break it off pretty nastily with him, due to the fact that he's A) smothering B) distracting from school C) tries too hard to be sincere, but ends up sounding like a cheezy 80's film D)is bad in bed E)really out there psychologically--- (long story) and E) causes drama in places that dont need to exist. oh and by the way F) pisses me off frequently. But other than that, we're like best friends! heh."
Reading that whole bundle of (most likely) truth, I'm incredibly confused about what to do with the situation. As of now, I know that the other girl who liked him isn't interested in dating him... and I know he knows that. So now it's up to me. I read these things and have to say that some of the things that other people hate might be -- what I want -- or need, even.
Well... lets see... A- he's smothering. I don't want to be smothered, but at the same time, I really feel lonely right now and I wouldn't mind having someone to be really close to. I'm not sure how smothering *is* smothering, but it's not like I have a life much otherwise. I really want a person to go places with... to just have fun with. I'm not like his ex gf who wrote this-- she's really into being social and having friends and going out w/ her friends. When do I go out with my friends???
B- I'm already distracted from school. Maybe I'd be less distracted because I'd actually be happy, and have a reason to want to get my work done early.
C- I see this in him completely-- some of his lines are pretty bad. But it's cute all the same-- after a while this might get on my nerves. But, honestly, there are soooooo many things I do that would get on other people's nerves. And I find his lack of seriousness during a lot of conversation makes it easier for me to talk to him. And he can be serious-- I've talked to him in person alone once-- but he WASN'T all 80's movie like the entire time. I'm sure there will be days when I'll look at him and say- stop trying so hard. Just talk to me. But I do believe there is a lot more to him under that-- (maybe there isn't?) -- I want to find out.
D- Well, I have nothing to compare him to, unless you count women- and I don't think that's fair. So his ex *and* my roommate have said that he's bad in bed... What *is* bad in bed, anyway? I know that he's creative-- that's good. He says he likes to be dominant or submissive-- just like me. *tmi coming up, close your eyes if you don't want to know this*-- he blindfolded me the other night-- which really turned me on... Oh- we didn't have sex sex, btw-- I'm going to wait a long while for that. But I did do something to him that was- ahem- new for me. Anyway-- I haven't gotten off w/ him yet, but that's just because i need to relax a lot to be able to and this is all so new, there is no way I'm going to be at the level of ease required for such a thing to happen. So-- I don't know what to make with "d".
E- I don't have the long story. He told me about his "past" when he was a little man-whore, but he's changed since then. I don't want to judge people on their pasts. And fuck- I'm definitely "out there psychologically" as well. Oh-- and did she say 'causes drama in places that need not have it?'-- this seems to be something I do as well. Maybe he's me.
F- Well- he pisses her off ... but he hasn't pissed me off yet. We'll see about this one.
So-- I don't know what to do right now. It really pains me that I can't go to my roommate for advice because she really is the only person i can talk to about these things. In addition, it's the worst feeling in the world to know I'm hurting her- or at least making things weirder than they need to be. I'm seriously tempted to just stop all of this- it's not worth loosing her friendship (if i haven't already.) I don't know-- why is it that when I finally meet a guy I really really like, he has to come with a Jerry Springer episode? Seriously- my life is so f'd up.
Glancing off into the air
Strands of pink
Bodies of the gods
Stories untold
My lips upon hers
His
Missing nothing
A whirlpool of lust
Lipstick and television glow
Off into the air
Everything to be forgotten
Burnt into my mind
I cant even cry
The pain is too deep
The longing to present
To fully acknowledge
Without exploding into dust
Her-
Him-
Their smiles,
Soft stares
Lost into a numbing tingle
Plaguing my every thought
A heart stirred violent
Upon a lonely shore
Waves do crash time and again
Eyes reveal the treasures buried deep within the sea
Glistening in the pink and flesh
Trapped within the tide,
Far, far away from me.
Strands of pink
Bodies of the gods
Stories untold
My lips upon hers
His
Missing nothing
A whirlpool of lust
Lipstick and television glow
Off into the air
Everything to be forgotten
Burnt into my mind
I cant even cry
The pain is too deep
The longing to present
To fully acknowledge
Without exploding into dust
Her-
Him-
Their smiles,
Soft stares
Lost into a numbing tingle
Plaguing my every thought
A heart stirred violent
Upon a lonely shore
Waves do crash time and again
Eyes reveal the treasures buried deep within the sea
Glistening in the pink and flesh
Trapped within the tide,
Far, far away from me.
So I told him he doesn't know me enough to like me. Here's his response...
well... here is what I know about you... you are smart, talented, you have meny interests... you have a bit of a quirky sense of humor which I relly like... you are generous, sometimes you will touch something and just enjoy the feel of the texture of it...- you have had... well... problems in the past... but... you still keep an eye on reality. you can analyze things a bit too much sometimes... but don't we all. Sometimes, you will lie in bed and almost feel tears coming on when you feel like no-one really understands or cares. You put on a happy face too often and have learned to mimic happiness so well, that sometimes you forget what real happiness is.
Umm.. yea- so he got me to a T (not to mention the rest of the alphabet.) I'm still convinced he's just getting off at his ultimate control over the situation-- not that I completely mind it. I like him way too much for my own good. *sigh* I'm going to take a nap. All this confusion hurts my head.
well... here is what I know about you... you are smart, talented, you have meny interests... you have a bit of a quirky sense of humor which I relly like... you are generous, sometimes you will touch something and just enjoy the feel of the texture of it...- you have had... well... problems in the past... but... you still keep an eye on reality. you can analyze things a bit too much sometimes... but don't we all. Sometimes, you will lie in bed and almost feel tears coming on when you feel like no-one really understands or cares. You put on a happy face too often and have learned to mimic happiness so well, that sometimes you forget what real happiness is.
Umm.. yea- so he got me to a T (not to mention the rest of the alphabet.) I'm still convinced he's just getting off at his ultimate control over the situation-- not that I completely mind it. I like him way too much for my own good. *sigh* I'm going to take a nap. All this confusion hurts my head.
Um... so I had a near threesome last night. Ah, but this fooling around "threesome" is filled with drama--
the guy: my roommates ex "one night stand"
the girl: my roommates current slight crush
(same roommate)
me: what can I say, I'm a tease and I haven't gotten any in a while!
So, basically, last night was the best fuck I never had. There was no intercourse. (I've waited this long to have sex w/ a guy so the first time better be special!) -- but uhmm.. there was a lot of other... fun things.
Did I mention this all happened in the living room of my dorm suite while my other roommates were asleep. It was 3:00 in the morning, but still, anyone could have walked in (or out, as the case may be) on us at any second.
Umm... but it was worth it.
the guy: my roommates ex "one night stand"
the girl: my roommates current slight crush
(same roommate)
me: what can I say, I'm a tease and I haven't gotten any in a while!
So, basically, last night was the best fuck I never had. There was no intercourse. (I've waited this long to have sex w/ a guy so the first time better be special!) -- but uhmm.. there was a lot of other... fun things.
Did I mention this all happened in the living room of my dorm suite while my other roommates were asleep. It was 3:00 in the morning, but still, anyone could have walked in (or out, as the case may be) on us at any second.
Umm... but it was worth it.
This is what happens when I'm procrastinating and wearing a pretty bra...
http://www.geocities.com/cananyonewhistle//sexy.html
http://www.geocities.com/cananyonewhistle//sexy.html
omg, I can't believe I have to leave for work in 30 minutes! I just got home after a night of alcholic influenced good times, in which I happened to end up lying down on a couch with one guy and one girl on top of me. We were all clothed- in fact, no kissing went on- just a lot of heavy petting. Yea- so I found this guy really attractive and due to a combination of exhaustion and chemical contamination I was able to flift and tease him relatively successfully. So what's the bad part? Oh, about an hour after I started groping him, I suddenly realized why his name sounded familiar to me... he was the guy my roommate had slept with second quarter last year. Ah, the drama. Anyway, I've talked to her and she's cool w/ it all (or at least she claims to be.) Ugh- why do people I like always have to be attatched to someone else that makes them ineligable for possible people I could maybe be with in some aspect of human companionship?
Not knowing what to do with one's life is probably the single most frustrating thing a person can face at the age I happen to be right now, and I'm going through just that. So... I'm currently a costume design major, but it seems as If I won't be one for long. Wait- it doesn't even seem like this anymore, I'm pretty much 99.9% sure that I will not be in the costume design department next year. And you know what? I don't care. I'm actually excited that this whole chaos is forcing me into the general theatre studies program. I'll get to take playwrighting, performance and directing(!!!!), plus If I'm lucky I can fudge with the program so I can take scene design I and II, get a minor in art (maybe creative writing as well?) and if I'm realllly lucky, I can squeeze in sound design just for the fun of it. I'm 18 years old and I already feel like I'm in a rut. I think i'll just put out mile radius warning signs when I reach my midlife crisis. It's just not safe near me... falling rocks and animals jumping in the road. Best tow ya away now cuz I'm still not sure if I mind the rocks fallin on my head- they've got to kill me first before I walk away.
