how did it get to be april? wasn't is just june? wtf?

life has stablized, which is weird. i feel kind of old, despite my talent for irresponsibility. i work 9-6, do theater at night, have a boyfriend i can see myself perhaps spending the rest of my life with, don't bother much with silly crushes anymore, find myself content with keeping things consistent. i've definitely grown up, but i'm also still a kid. i'm only 23. but that's old when there are thousands of 18-year-olds floating around thinking they're adults. they don't know the half of it. i have two bottles of laundry detergent on this random piece of installed furniture in my room. they aren't very attractive. they sit next to two wisdom teeth i had pulled last night. i really want to find a job i love, but i'm wondering if that's possible. i do love video editing. i get to do it a bit at my current job. but not enough. wish i went to school for it. don't have the money or patience to go to school again, although i'm half-way to applying for grad scool every other day. what's a girl like me to do? i'm so fickle. want to do something exciting. eh, sometimes i feel like i'm such a waste. but not always. sometimes i experience progress.

some random thoughts:

directing a show is stressful...

i love the rainbows that appear in the bay area during winter rainstorms...

my boyfriend is absolutely the most wonderful man i've ever met in my life, i'm so lucky...

i need a new profile pic on here...

i need to do laundry.

life is good when its good and bad when its bad. but right now all is on the upswing and i'm enjoying the ride.

I'm hungry.

wow, sg has changed quite a bit, hasn't it. well, i'm sure the site is generally the same... but every times i wander on back to the pages, it looks entirely different. i admit i miss the old look... this one is a big too flashy for my tastes. and i miss the overdose of pink. oh well. things change here faster than i can handle. but i guess that's how it goes.

anyway, for the few of you wondering.. life is pretty good on this end of the netosphere. i finally got myself a full-time job (that I like), an apartment and a boyfriend, plus a stable hobby of performing in community theater that ultimately makes me a happy girl on a consistant basis, sans any sort of mind altering substance, legal or otherwise.

i'm wasting time now, even though i should be sleeping or getting some work done. yes, even at work I have homework. that's what it's like being a salaried employee! but i don't mind, i like the work i have to do for the most part.

but I do want to sleep...

so what else is new over here? hmm. not much, really. I'm still the same ol' insecure, socially-anxious, i've got my crushes verging on obsessions gal that i've always been. i'm just starting to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. and it feels good.

I am such a flirt. It's like my favorite thing in the world is for everyone to want me. I guess that's kind of the point of this site, though, except I should be a model and not a member. But I've also decided it's much more fun to have everyone want me in real life and not in cyberlife. Don't get me wrong, I can censor my image in cyberlife therefore it's easier to constantly present myself in a desireable fashion - however, in real life, I like knowing that people think I'm hot, even on my shitty days. And I love making people laugh. There is nothing more attractive to me than the muffled slight smile of someone who doesn't want to admit they find me funny or attractive. I always see that smile, and it makes me want them, because I know, at least in a small way, they might want me. -- I should just be a stripper or a burlesque queen or something. Honestly, I would love to perform burlesque - I don't have the figure for stripping, but burlesque performers come in all shapes and sizes. I want to be a singing burlesque queen, a pin-up star - who doesn't get completely naked ala SG. No offense to SG models, I think it's great you can be so confident as to strip down to the buff on the net, but for me - I lie myself naked before you with my words, and hope my language will entice --

If you want a hint of that, check out my erotica in the Erotica group on here.

I am THROUGH with online dating (people I've already met do not qualify for this statement)


My dating resume seems to have "met online" in bulletpoints after ever guy or girl I've dated (casually or seriously) in the past two-and-a-half years.

While online dating has it's place in society, specifically - older - society, I've had enough of meeting folks online for the sake of dating.

Sure, I've met some really great people. I had a temporarily successful two-year-long LTR, thanks to craigslist. But, in the end, I think a lot of why it failed is because we met online. In the back of our minds, we could never forgive ourselves for not being socially inept, and not able to forge such relationships in out of our daily "real" lives. Afterall, neither one of us were reclusive hermits, we just had troubles meeting people for romantic-type relationships. And neither one of us could get over the fact that the internet brought us together. Well, I accepted it, I think he felt that he could certainly pluck from the many other females in this world, in real life, online or elsewhere, and find someone better. Afterall, there are many, many, many fishes in the sea.

But here's the problem with online dating...

My favorite part of a relationship is that key period when two people develop a friendship. It's this phase, long or short, where they laugh and act nice to each other without some underlying objective to get the other person naked. Maybe in the way back of their minds, they each acknowledge they are attracted to this "friend," but it's not a spoken of attraction. It might be communciated through an accidentally long glance across the room at a party, or a shared silence after a joke was made about the two dating ("ha, wouldn't that be funny?") but it's never taken with a serious connotation.

A relationship is something that develops over time. While there isn't one way a relationship should be, I see it as climbing up this long hill that's less steep and more long on the incline, and at first the climbers have to help each other figure out what hiking & climbing gear to buy for the trip.

The ideal relationship is one where both partners keep climbing, although eventually can't take the sexual tension so they rip off their climbing gear, throw each other down in the grass and intimacy ensues. But the intimacy is this natural portion of the climb. And when the two lovebirds reach the top of the mountain, hand in hand, they see another hill off in the distance leading to a higher point and still want to climb. They'll stop for each other on the way if one needs a break, they'll hike at a slow or fast pace, as instincts see fit. But it's about that long climb, together -

It's not - plop them down somewhere in the middle of the mountain with the wrong gear, or no gear, and say - you have about two days/weeks to walk up this mountain, mostly alone, and then you're going to fuck each other.

And then you will tumble back down the mountain and start all over again. Alone.

That's not the way I want to have a relationship. I don't want to be climbing five different mountains at one time. It's exhausting.

This is why I say there are plenty of really wonderful people who are looking online for dates. But it's just no way to begin a relationship. Not when one is 20-something and has so many years to climb up that hill... there is no reason to take a helicopter up for a blind date in the middle of the emotional wildnerness.

---

ps: I am naked somewhere on this site. I won't tell you where. It's a game, go find my titties.

mudderfudder i just slept through the sgsj dinner.

urg.

in other news, in my frustration, i've decided to be productive tonight. i'm writing a novel. yes, a whole one. I will not sleep until it's finished (yea, right.) so far - I've written about three sentences. brilliant.

i've also given up on applying to that rolling stone/mtv thing. i think if i actually compiled the application i'd have a decent shot of getting on the show, but i also realized that my dream career is not writing for Rolling Stone, therefore it's silly to apply to a contest where this is the prize. i wouldn't turn down the job if they offered me it, but pop music is not my scene; pop culture in general is not my scene - i've got my own scene - which apparently involves sleeping through my social life.

Pinch my skin, watch it turn purple, want to think I'm dreaming.

Now obsessed with applying for Rolling Stone/MTV's" "become a journalist" reality tv-show, mostly because I want a full-time job as a writer and I'm so sick of interning.

It would obviously be an awesome gig to be a writer for Rolling Stone. Their application process is tough, 10 pages of questions that require intelligent answers and then a video and photos - and it's due in their hands located in NYC in less than two weeks.

FUCK.

I would just die if I got on the show. I don't know a great deal about pop music, though I do listen to the radio when I drive to work, so I know all of the basic pop stuff. I also don't really care much about celebrities anymore in the sense of being a fan - I think the sociological aspects of celebrity culture are so interesting (I even took a class in college called the sociology of celebrity, whoa) - anyway... fuck me, I want to get on the show, and I want this gig.

I'm glad that I'm becoming a more active member of the SG community our here in SF. There are a lot of really great members on the site, I love how we all admit to being pervs and then how it's just, well, ok.

GNI was a blast, although for most of it I was worried that everyone there hated me. Then I got too drunk to worry about that anymore.

Me drunk = crazy crazy girl.

Whoa.