A letter to myself:

Hello Kam,

Tonight, you got drunk, you went out with your best of friends, and you return home, completely depressed. You don't know why, all that you assume is that for some reason your meds aren't working today. On the way home you want to punch signs, walls, anything to shatter any and every bone in your hand; yet you don't, you don't know why, other than the fact that you somehow practice self restraint. You know there are knives in your room, in your kitchen, and various other places, and you want to cut, yet you know it won't help, not a single bit, not a single moment that goes by will free yourself from feeling like you want to cry about your life, but you can't. Finally, after a walk home you're greeted by your cute, adorable puppy, who should make everything better, he doesn't. On that note however, you know that every time you look at him you smile, he means the world to you, not that everything else means nothing to you, but he's most likely the one thing keeping you alive. You wonder if you deserve a girl, you wonder if you love a girl, you've always been a hopeless romantic and will most likely never outgrow such a feature. It's not necessarily a bad feature, but it certainly causes more pain than it's worth. You feel that meeting her friend tonight was almost a test, you're hypercompentitive, but you bit your tongue because she's that amazing. Even now, drunk off your ass you're correcting spelling and grammar to make sure that it's right.

You haven't felt like this in a long time and you really wanted to remind yourself how it feels to be so extremely low, for what appears to be no apparent reason. At this point you contemplate giving up alcohol, cuddling with your roomate because you know that will make you feel better, or even going to an after party and making a mistake I'm sure you will regret forever. It hurts to think, to love, to laugh, to be sad, it hurts to everything, and really, you have no idea where this comes from. Life is good, you finished your tattoo, but it's impossible to focus on the good things. Because even the good things have a downside. Yes, I found someone I actually like in 5+ years, the problem is you...just it's you. You know what I mean, you know what it feels like. You don't think you deserve them, they are amazing, you are not. She said that tonight was "the first time you've been honest" in awhile. You don't really know what that means. You blame her for not asking the right questions, but maybe it's really you, you who isn't trusting, forcing people to ask questions before they get answers. You don't really know, all you know is at this point, at this point in time you wanted to remind yourself of the pain that you felt tonight, so you posted this, not so that you could feel the pain again, but so that hopefully, just hopefully you could overcome it. Your quote on this website is that "We accept the love we think we deserve." That's certainly true, but what happens if you think you deserve none? What happens when you think that you're honestly so hard to love that you don't think it's worth anyone's trouble? Just what then? I mean, where do you go from there...

Ahhh yes, Valentine's Day. Now, I am not really one of those haters that has always been single on this glorious hallmark holiday; however, since one of ex's enlightened me to the "true" foundation of this holiday it has, and will forever be one of my personal favorites.

The fact is, that like many "Christian" holidays, it was (possibly) adapted from an ancient pagan ritual. This time, it was taken from a festival celebrated by the Romans during their highest point of power in history. During this time (what was Feb 13th-15th) a matchmaking ritual was performed (something along the lines of drawing names out of a hat) and people would be naked for the duration and mate. In addition, women would line up to be beat by men in hopes that it would make them more fertile.

Now, the question is where exactly does the name "Valentine" come from, well that is a mystery solved here too. According to record many saints were sacrificed on this day by the Roman Empire, and at least two of these saints were named "Valentine". The Catholic church adopted this holiday, put clothes back on it and gave recognition to a St. Valentine in hopes of extinguishing the old ways (much like what happened with Christmas). The holiday was unpopular until Shakespeare made it popular in his plays which then came to the New World and is the wonderful holiday that we all know and love today .

It is with this, that I wish everyone on SG a happy Valentine's Day, I hope I could have taught you guys something, as knowledge is always the best gift you can ever get!

Many of us know of the so called "Pandora's Box" from the Greek myths; however, most of us don't realize what the true story was. In the early days a god, Prometheus, gave humans fire and was chained to a mountain to have his liver eaten out on a daily basis, that however, was the god's punishment, Zeus still had to decide how to punish humans, so he gave us women. A horribly misogynistic point of view as written, but that's the way it was told. The first woman was created, given the name Pandora, which if broken down means all given, or all presents, and all the gods were asked to give her something. This beautiful woman was then given to Prometheus's brother and while he was away she opened a box that was said to contain all of the evils in the world (old age, sorrow, misery, hate...etc...). In a panic it is said that she slammed the lid shut, leaving one feeling behind: Hope.

There are a couple of views that can be taken here, as to what exactly that means; however, both of them eventually lead to the human race as being "hopeless".

All of the above is so that I could get to this point. Recently, I have been feeling happy which is highly irregular for me. As such, I haven't truly been happy in several years as depression has gotten the better of my teenage/college years. I attribute this to me finally giving into my horrible opposition to anti-depressants and convincing myself that they might be a good thing. The paradox is this, I am happy, but I am almost miserable because I am happy. I mean, is the human race truly hopeless? Am I, in particular, truly hopeless? It seems, that with my happiness per usual comes misery. I have been so accustomed to being in a depressed state that it got to the point of me thinking that's who I really was and now that I'm not there anymore, I miss it. In addition to missing it, part of me truly believes that I don't deserve happiness, self-sabotage is my hobby, and I'm quite exceptional at it. I'm really not sure at this point if I'm a lost cause, or this is a transition state, what I am sure of is that I feel comfortable stating these things on this site for whatever reason even though I'm new, so...if you're reading this, thank you, I may never know who you are, where you're from, or even if you read it, but thank you none-the-less.

Well it's been about a week since I joined SG. Admittedly, I haven't ever really "blogged" or "journal-ed" before so it's a new experience for me.
I'll start off my first ever with saying that SG is not what I expected at all. I've always enjoyed the beautiful pictures posted by several members, but after getting a membership my eyes were opened to a wonderful community that I never knew existed. I hope to become a regular contributing member to the site and a couple groups. I figured I'd first start off by getting back into the ever so time consuming WoW and possibly join the SG guild, that is if they'll have me . Anyway, best of luck to myself, and I look forward to getting to know everyone here...well...maybe not everyone...that's quite a task, but hopefully a lot of you!