I just got back from my second Burner event Firefly in VT. I really feel like I get and belong as a Burner now. The sense of community and artistic drive they share I am so happy to be a part of. I feel my artistic development as a dancer and performer are just comping into their own. I will be at Burning Man this year and I think that I am ready to be transformed by it.

Been a while since my last update:

1) Settled with insurance over the car for 3k. Its less than I would like but enough to put me in a car at least. I think I will be paying a bit of money and upgrading to a 2006 Hyundai Elantra. The car is all black with dark tinted windows. I think I need to become cooler to drive it. Or maybe you become cooler if your car is IDK how these things work I'm genderqueer and never understood masculine things.

2) Job goes well, but my manager put her notice in. I hope I can find someone else who will work with a circus freak and allow me to work with dysfunctional children still.

3) Hooping has not been happening anywhere reasonably enough. I would like to be training 20 hours a week and I think I am at 5. Winter sucks!

4) Most likely moving again 16th time in 11 years. *sigh*

5) Biggest news is that I am plotting a trip around the country in September which primarily is a road trip to Burningman and back but I am going to do a few other things too. 39 days long 21 states 2 countries.

That's a quick wrap-up for now.

Doing so much better. I didnt realize how stressed out I was about the car situation. I got a nice little rental car and it looks like things are looking up. My freedom to just pack up everything in my car in go is such a part of my healthy state of mine and I seem to forgot that part while focusing on not being able to get to work and other more immediate practical concerns about not having a car.

When I was 21 my fiance cheated on me and we broke up, my mother was caught embezzling from the Human Society and arrested and my friends were almost all addicted to drugs and or pregnant and going no where. I saw that my own light was fading when I looked into the mirror. So I made a choice.

I searched inside myself for a dream anything at all and I would pursue it but my light had already dimmed enough not to have dreams anymore. But....I remembered that when I was little everyone used to joke about the fact that I said I would live in Montana one day. They had no idea where I even got that idea. I thought about it and I was always very intuitive when I was young so why not. I packed up my car and moved 5 days later. And that is where my life as I know it now started.

So I think from that day on a car always meant to me freedom. The freedom to just start over if I wanted. The freedom of always a way out as well as a way to whatever I wanted. When my car was totaled in the accident by that driver I lost that and it was that more than anything that caused my tail spinning depression and anxiety over the last two weeks.

Been awhile since my last blog, but that is already because I didn't have much positive things to write about and I hate using this to puke over anyone who reads it. So basically the long and short is that my car broke down then after paying way to much to fix it, I found it was still stalling out and basically they didn't do shit to fix the problem. As i was driving it back and to tell them to fix it and don't are charge me extra for it I stalled out on the side of the road put my blinkers on and was then hit by a SUV. I'm ok, my care isn't. The driver who didn't even have her license on her was luckily covered by insurance but wont make the damn call to tell the people what happened so I am in limbo until she verifies she was in an accident they wont fix my car of pay for a rental. I'm missing work and stressing out and shes not even picking up a phone to call them back So yeah. Will update more when I have good news.

Great week!

This week I reconnected with a lot of friends outside my normal group and I was greatly rewarded for it. I grow more and more in love with the burners and their gatherings. Went to a rave all night into the morning on Fri/Sat and saw so many people/friends new and old who I hope to get to know better. Dancing and seeing someone just be free lets you see something purely true about that person. Seeing among hundreds f people and them in you and sharing in that experience knowing that everyone is letting go and expressing themselves through dance; well that is just amazing! I had such a good week. Finally free of some down feelings I was having regarding my social group and feeling as though there was something wrong with me.

I have always been someone who had dozens of groups I was a part of and somehow I let them all merge into just one group and somehow also lost perspective on who I am as well in the process. Gives me pause for thought that maybe that's why I get consumed and usually eventually loose my way in relationships too. Maybe, since I am an empath, the only way i can be me is to not get lost in only one perspective. I feel so recharged!

Now into the next week. I delve back into the scene a bit and see how I interact with the folk I was not doing so well around before. See how my perspective and person has changed. I will update as it goes on

I am my own worse 'cockblock' and I don't know how to change it. I hang out with circus folk, dancers, burlesque performers, burners, and poly-people so I often find myself in cuddle piles, watching friends walking around naked, and being constantly bombarded with flirtation and sexual tension. I have this strong sense of not wanting to offend and especially not violate the bodies or trust my friends have with me. As a result I have sort of developed a blinder to all the things around me. I don't react to nudity or flirtation because I have no idea what is sincere interest and what is playful. I think the last time I was turned on at one of these many parties was when a friend and I were just talking and realized we liked the same obscure book series. My last girl friend spent weeks trying to get me notice that she was interested: putting her legs up on my dashboard or across my lap to show me her latest tights or cute new underwear. It took her finally biting my ear one time when we hugged goodbye after the club before I even suspected she may be interested. So In a world where I could have an arm across the stomach of a half naked friend while she is flirting with the guy I know shes into or where I could give a few platonic spankings to another friend whose tied up just as a friendly gesture how do you know where the lines are for moving to sexual play or knowing someone else has a sexual interest.

This just repulses me. All three of our last Presidents were admitted drug users and yet there is a decision not only keeping Marijuana a Schedule I narcotic but they deny millions of people the medical befits. I have fucking MS and I know I will need Marijuana eventually to function. I take this very personal. " target="_blank">http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44806723/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/t/calif-pot-dispensaries-told-feds-shut-down/?fb_ref=.To6OstfK-l9.like&fb_source=other_multiline#.To6SIpuIk8m

Profile and everything up and now goodnight SG land.