From an email I wrote to a friend today:

"Today I was walking home from work and all of a sudden I had all of these ideas for paintings. Out of nowhere, all of these odd happenings that I've never once thought about before. Trees growing from girls mouths, pretty little things being suffocated by flowing hair. All of them sweet little fairytales with dark brooding shadows and misfortunes.

And I thought - for the first time in a year, that I should paint.

It was funny because it was like the thought almost never occurred to me before and I forgot what it felt like. Having this thing in you that screams at you until you let it out. That rattles you so that you feel unlike yourself unless you obey it. So I sat there waiting for my train for half an hour and I must have doodled and wrote on 30 pages in my book one idea after another until I had nothing left.

Train, daze, walk - and I found myself contemplating again. That I should have a show. A show that was ALL mine. Because the things that were coming to me were more sophisticated than ever before.

Before, while people could look at my work and appreciate it (for whatever reason they found), these were actual stories, little hauntings. The ideas around them seemed more complete where as before I would just draw a face, draw a body...these felt like they had a beginning a middle and an end to them. Never in my life have I ever had the feeling of "I am going to put on a show". It was always like, oh I'll paint this it will be pretty. It wasn't mature, it wasn't confident - my paintings until now have felt more like what doodles are to illustrators.

And then to see this - and have an open call. Is just.....like the entire thing wrapped in a bow almost. And it's happened at the most perfect time because I have been shooting non stop for the past year. Model after model but no project has actually been my own. I need to get back to drawing, to telling my own story."

PS - I didn't reread this before I sent it to him or before I posted it here, so if it's shit I apologize.

I need a good kick in the ass. I've been "off" lately, I haven't been able to work well, I'm stressed over too many things and I feel like I've been mistreating the people that I do have in my life. It's like one thing just threw me completely off track.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself lately, I'm a complete mess.

I had a good talk with Mo this morning though. I miss her more than anything in the world. We're fucking sappy as shit together and are all about the "I miss you" "I love you" "No one is a better friend" blah blah blah. Honestly though she's the one person in my life that keeps me level headed. I've been so messed up over something since Monday. I didn't even have words to describe how I was feeling. But while talking to her and starting from the beginning they just came and it was good because I just needed to tell someone. I think it's because I know I can be brutally honest with her and she'll never turn her back on me. She's seen me at my best and at my worst and loves me regardless - that's not something you find in too many people. I want her back

I'm beginning to think that this past year has just been fate getting back at me for never really being sick before. She can fuck right the hell off as far as I'm concerned.

And to those who read my last blog, the next day I totally fell and how have a lovely purple bruise taking over the pretty pale skin on my left thigh as well as huge scab on my knee. Drake had this idea of a walker like contraption to help clumsy Canadians like myself battle the ice in the winter. I'm now really considering fashioning one of my own, it's become obvious that I need the extra help.

I have no luck lately.

Here's a picture to help keep your interest.

Today was our first day with ICE in Toronto, I fell twice. I swear to god I'm going to break a hip by the time I'm 30 even with all of my cushioning!

The new James set is gorgeous.

I tried to write something, changed it three times then decided it just wasn't working out. I'm a little asshole lately anyways, tired of people in general. I guess I'm just in a loner phase.

Here look at some tits since I don't have anything else entertaining for you this time around:

I have become a master at wasting time - specifically at my new job.

Only semi my fault I like to think.

They are still training me and at the same time leaving me with HUGE issues to deal with. They are there to answer my questions - however only answer a tiny questions, will let me go back instead of giving me an overview of what it is I'm suppose to be doing so I can handle it all at once.

I hate being bad at my job - whenever I start a new position I don't sleep for the first month because I always fear I'm going to get fired.

Other than that:
- Taking pictures
- Starting a vintage camera collection
- Rekindled love
- Well need sleep
- Staying in
- Opting out of other people's drama and bullshit
- Figured out that I pretty much hate men (minus one)

Side note:

So what are you in love with lately?

PS -

New mini set up
Faye - Sunspots

This past week I feel like I got back on track a little bit.
Things at my new job are going better. I settled down and actually got some work done. This week coming up will be the true test of how successful I may be at this.
I got almost a months work of sets done for my site which was amazing. I was feeling guilty for not giving them anything new for awhile (though I'm so ahead with content it probably didn't matter).
And this weekend has been all about sleep which I needed. Whenever I start a new job I freak out. I like being good at things. I don't like going through the whole uncertainty of not know where to find things or send things or who to ask for help. I find it disheartening. I hadn't slept well in about 2 weeks. Friday I slept for 12 hours after coming home and on Saturday night I ended up in bed around 11pm. Not bad - I desperately wish this was a long weekend though.




What did you last dream about?
What do you do to fill your Sunday?
What means the most to you in life right now?
What do you want to accomplish this week?
Have you ever been in love in the sense that you never wanted anyone else but them?

I had a dream last night that Dallas Green made me a mix tape - and it went on forever with hundreds and hundreds of songs. I loved each one of them. And there were all different types of music. I remember wanting to lay in bed and listen forever.