I've got a huge abscess... it's in my cheek above a tooth. It's pretty much knocked me flat out.

but I'm not dead yet!

You know what's fun? in the past month 2 of my employees have been arrested. Both because of stupid shit they did at the bar.

I'm building my bar's september to be huge. I can't wait to see what happens.

I'm pretty impressed with myself too... I out-rang (sold more) all the other bartenders in the bar last night. This is great for me because the two downstairs bartenders are awesome guys and both industry leaders in seattle for speed. beating them out on the ring was monumental. In fact, I'm going to get a monument erected to commemorate the occasion.

Well, I'm still alive.

Let's see... my boss is out of town so I'm going to be working my ass off at the bar. In addition, I've moved out of my old place and into a nice apartment, across the street from my bar. This couldn't be better for me. I'm excited about what we are gonna be doing with the place in the fall, and I'm stoked about how well things are going. All in all I'm pretty damn happy!

I am creeped out.

a couple posts back I made mention of a problem with an employee. I don't know what to make of these current turns of events, but It's got me nervous.

Basically, I found out sunday that the employee is quitting and moving to Alaska to hang out with my old manager, the guy I replaced at the bar. His name is Bobby. That's no big deal, and the news left me feeling pretty relaxed; the situation was going to resolve itself.

But tonight I got a phone call from the Bobby. His message to me? "Be careful who you are dealing with". Now I'm wondering what kind of shit is going down... whether I'm gonna get jumped, get my car damaged, or have other people in my life fucked with.

Could be that this is just a method to fuck with me and nothing is going to actually happen. Could be, he's drunk and that explains it. Could be I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me or killed by a former marine who's studied martial arts for the past 7 years.

aside from buying mace or some other personal protection device and parking my car in a different location, I don't really know what else to do. This bullshit has got me scared.

Part of what sucks about the changes I've undergone is that I'm too the point where I think I'm gonna leave some damage in my wake to take the next step in my personal evolution.

I don't like it.

When you're learning something new, mistakes are inevitable. I'm learning flair bartending, for example. I drop bottles all the time. They rarely break, I hardly ever spill when I do drop. Its the process of learning.

But one happens when something you are learning is people oriented?

But I'm selfish. I need this. I can't avoid messing something or someone up sometimes, despite my best efforts to conduct myself with grace and tact.

My belief now is that honesty will be more important for me now than ever, and the only way to hold fast to my integrity is to be upfront with people.

I'm finally moving out of my first seattle apartment. I'm getting a place right behind my bar, which I can't imagine will be anything short of kick-ass. I should be moving in about a week and then the good times will definitely start to roll.

I'm having difficulty with an employee of mine. Technically he's not an employee, he's a "Guest Bartender". Before I got promoted the owner of the bar fired this douche, and then for some reason the guy manipulated his way into getting the guest spot for our big tuesday night. Which is another problem, I have 5 employees that need good shifts and I have three guest bartenders for that night. it's annoying.

Anyways, I think this particular douchebag blames me for his termination. And I think that now he's out to get me. Ever since he was fired/guested, he's been very cold to me... And now I hear he's telling lies about me. I've been extremely gracious, even though it is my goal to have my employees replace these guest bartenders, and even though it's both my owner's and my estimation that he's the worst of the bunch.

So, I'm torn as to what to do. I'm considering just flat out firing him. I think that may be a little hard, but it will work. I can replace my upstairs bartender on the special night with one of my other employees and replace the guy I'm firing with the upstairs guy who's recently proven he can ring big. OR, I can talk this through. I'm a big fan of talking this through. maybe there's a misunderstanding on my part, right?

But I'll probably just fire him.

I've been reading my previous journal posts. I didn't realize how many posts I'd made in 2 years. But this one stuck out, because it's concise and a pretty accurate reflection of my mindset back then (Jan 16 2005). So I'm gonna amend it for how I feel today, a full three and some change years later.

"I wish wasn't so needy."

I'm probably the furthest from needy I've ever been. I am self-fulfilled.

"I wish I wasn't so lonely."

I'm neither lonely or alone. One of my bartenders is sleeping on my couch. she's cute, and if I were needy, I'd be all up ons. But she's a sweet kid, and she's gonna be a good friend. Besides, I already fucked her friend. "Hundreds of people love me in Seattle.

"I wish I wasn't so unhappy."

I still have my ups and downs. That's called LIFE. But I've never been happier, except maybe my first time at Disneyworld with my mom. But honestly, I fucking love my life.

"I wish I wasn't so hideous."

This was a funny progression. It started with me thinking I was truly ugly. Then I decided to believe that I wasn't. Then I decided to believe that by and large, it doesn't matter to girls (which is who I wanted to be attractive for, duh) what I look like. And now, I can genuinely say I'm fucking hot. Especially when I'm doing a flair routine at the bar with my amazing posterior prominently displayed in my sexy jeans.

"I wish I wasn't so self-loathing."

See above. The big change here though was really realizing that I had great self-esteem but horrible self-approval, and accepting myself as I was.

"I wish I wasn't so depressed."

I still get depressed. But I accept it, I don't resist it, and it's funny... I let myself feel it and then it goes away. It's just a state of being.

"I wish I always saw myself for who I really am, not who I think I am or who I think people think I am (negatively)."

Back when I wrote this I thought I knew who I was in the same way a person looking at themselves in a funhouse mirror thinks they know who they are. About two years ago, I decided that it didn't matter who I was or who I thought I was, but who I wanted to be. I made active changes to make myself into someone I wanted to be, and I love that person now.

"I wish that I was taller."

I grew a full foot in the past year, go figure. Seriously... none of the girls I've been with have been shorter than me and none of them have cared. when I've got a 6-foot tall girl on my arm and I'm parading her around, I feel like a fucking rockstar renegade pimp more than I ever thought I would. height is so not an issue.

"I wish that I hadn't been abandoned throughout my entire life."

I wasn't. I was a fucking whiny emo bitch though that needed to get the 40 grit out of his vagine though.

"I wish that I could meet people."

I've bartended for two years and met probably 1,000's of people and I have 100's of regulars. I've slept with many women since my first (Thanks SG!) and I gotta say, I'm way more savvy at meeting people than a lot of the pathetic souls I meet while working.

"I wish I could change my life."

Been there done that. Here's a tip, if you wanna change your life, you probably need to start by changing who you are.

"I wish suicide wasn't always on my mind."

Ugh, gag.

"I wish that I could be happy with my smile."

My smile is one of the most endearing parts of me! love it.

"I wish that I could be happy."

Being happy is easy when you realize it really is about BEING, not DOING.

"I wish that I had everything I ever wanted and never had to feel any pain ever again."

Yeah, and I wish I farted rose petals and rode a unicorn across a rainbow highway to work every day. And that I had a lightsaber. Actually, screw the unicorn and rose farts, I just want a god damn lightsaber! Seriously, every sensation I have I accept and feel fully. it's a part of life and I relish it.

"I wish that I was everything I thought I'd be at 23."

I don't even remember what I thought I'd be at 23 when I wrote this malarky. I'm a bar manager at a hopping bar, making really respectable money for getting people drunk and flirting/fucking girls, I have FANS, and I'm pretty damn happy. Fuck measuring my success with any other yardstick than my own personal fulfillment.

"I wish that I could find some girl out there that loved me, and would say so in a clear way."

Haha, girls are fucking chicken. I get ogled every time I work, and I can see that now, but I really have the choice and the power now. And because it's so easy for me now to get that, my standards for what I want in an exclusive, girlfriend type relationship are pretty damn high; I'm so fucking high maintenance it's not even funny.

"I wish that my heart wasn't so cold."

I'm getting tired of this whiny dramatic shit I wrote... I put it in the oven @ 350 for an hour and it came out all nice and toasty. I use my heart now for a pen holder and paperweight.

"I wish that I didn't have the urge to destroy things when I'm in pain."

The best thing about working at a bar is I can go out back and smash bottles against the wall. I feel no guilt for my "negative" emotions. I feel them fully, I get the sensation over and done with, and I'm back to my usual kick-ass self.

"I wish that I'd learn to make myself happy, instead of making things sad for myself."

All I'm gonna say here is that it's all about BEING... not DOING.

"I wish I'd practice what I preach."

One of my core tenets is that I don't accept bad behavior... That goes for/from me as well as for/from you.

"I wish I wasn't so bored, that I wasn't so tired, and I wasn't so annoying."

Rarely bored, pretty often tired, but I don't annoy myself and I'm the only person who's opinion of myself I should really concern myself with, so check, Check, CHECK!

"I wish that my life would have a happy ending instead of the inevitable tragic ending."

OHSHITPEOPLEDIEITSSOSADBAWWWWWWWW. Judging your quality of life by how many people you lose is super stupid.

"I wish I wasn't so negative."

I'm a fucking + sign now.

"I wish I didn't have to feel this constant lingering despair."

I really wish I had some tasty linguine. Also, not despairing.

"I wish I didn't feel at all."

Man a lot changes in a few years. Someone told me once that people over-estimate what they can do in 1 year and under-estimate what they can do in 10 years. I believe it. If you would have told me back when I wrote this little pissy wish-list that I'd be a rockstar bartender making 60g a year, envied by a bunch of guys and lusted after by a ton of girls, I'd have probably.... erm... sulked at you till you gave up on my ass.

But a lot of it was because of people here who encouraged me to make those changes. They know who they are. Thanks guys.

New update is new.

Better update is coming.

I has a flu.

How was your Saturday?

Here's how mine went. I got to work, nothing was done... the bar wasn't set up. Around midnight my boss disappeared to go cry in her office for an hour and a half. During that time a group of russians came in and started causing a ruckus. at closing, we had to cut a bunch of them off, throw them out, and then there was a brawl. my security guards got beat up, mostly because the russians were pussies and would run and then cheap shot the bouncers. one is gonna be in the hospital, and now I've gotta arm myself when I work on saturdays. At least these guys are going to jail, one of them pulled a knife.

So yeah, I'm looking for a new job pronto. It struck me as I drove by my own favorite bar, that the lights were off, everything was clean in there, and I couldn't help but think that I have way too much shit to deal with at the place I work. Least of all the cleanup, but mostly now I don't know if I'm gonna get shot or stabbed or pummelled because some fucking ruskies like to hold a grudge.

Good times. And this is just the tip of the colossal iceberg that is my job.