I can't believe it's nearly 10 years since I first signed up for this site!

Thought I'd come back and check it out once again.

Keep eyes off
the small mind manifesto
Letting go
brings so much

Twine wrapped around ankles
scratches
Breaking you down slow
Breathing fast and falling

Empty constructs are denying
Now

Obliterate the reeds
and prison fibers
Penance from hard hanging swampland

Every day is planting seeds
Every moment is floating up
Dropping false objects
through pure light

Faces are showing
connection
Lost deep
in the peace of your expanse

Okay, I just needed to get out more.
I'm still feeling like dogshit most of the time, but the severe heavy grief is gone.

It was timed right to the weather. All of this emotional turmoil right at the time of this cold windy rainy weather.
Now it's bright and clear and warmer.

I had one of the most amazing days of my life Sunday. The spirit was with me.
I dedicated my life to Christ in church. That's not even a joke.
There were so many synchronicity moments leading up to it that it just happened.
I believe in spirit, and many that follow it follow it through Christ.

I met someone that same day like a prayer answered. I don't know how it will work out, but at least I can see there's a life out there for me eventually. When you're in the bottom of dark pit it's hard to imagine that sometimes.

Just knowing that it can happen again, and that I was living a very limited life for many years opened my eyes.
I had gotten into state of mind where all I could think about was the girl I had lost.
I'm a putz actually because I was the one that broke up. I was just too disconnected to realize how it would affect me.

I have to be careful to not get too wrapped up again. The emotional feelings are still sore.
It's a dull empty ache that turns into vague anxiety when it gets dark.

When my dad was in the hospital for lymphoma they gave him something called prednisone.
It would make super emotional. He'd choke up and cry about nearly anything, or bust out cracking up.

I feel like I've been on that the last couple of weeks.
I can't believe how many people I've cried in front of the last week.
Even people at work.

I feel like I'm opening up. I think it's the best way to go to get over something.
Go right to feeling the pain and get it over with.

Ugh...

I'm in an awfully bum-kicked state of mind.

That last post over 3 months ago was the beginning of the end of a relationship I was in for about a year.
It was a real whirlwind. In fact it was just too much too fast.

I'm in a different phase now that time has gone and the initial relief is gone.
It's a cold, lonely place now, and it hurts.
Well, it's all my doing so I can't complain. The same problems I had before it all began are still here staring me in the face even though I try not to look.

I know she spent thanksgiving with a new "friend" and it hit me like a delayed ton of bricks.
Now I keep thinking about all the good times we had.
Everything feels so empty and barren and painful.

It's not exactly regret, it's just a bitter taste knowing that something that's so beautiful was so also so flawed that it couldn't work.
I'm weak right now. I need to rebuild.

A HA

It's been exactly a year.

Wow, a lot of things to try and get out that are in my head.
I didn't plan on this being the 1 year anniversary of my last post.. but it is.
I'm having a cosmic moment.

it involves:

• marijuana


• 2012 and ongoing consciousness shift


• freedom


• disintegration


• The birth, life, ending of a relationship perfectly timed within a year


• synchronistic indicators

One step closer to death

Got plenty to update on but that'll take a while.