One step closer to death

Got plenty to update on but that'll take a while.

Notice:

I just read every journal I posted here. Wow. There were 363 in total. I split it up into two sessions today.

Well that was appropriate to a kind of recap of not just the last year but the last five years basically.
It lets me see things more objectively which is good.
I never actually write personal things directly in detail that often, but I could still remember times from reminders in the entries.
So it's given me a kind of odd and overwhelmed kind of feeling.
I used to be a lot more self aware about rehashing my personal history.

Here are some people I'd like to pour out my 40 for:
CandyCox basil123 Ardnazak Rowan hellSforHeroes BionicfemmeX billyfivecrows zenhell tretiak xip illbillzillbub sugarmamapr farridac illbillzillbub London Bionicfemme BlixaSinister Bijou lilyluv
zotted or anon: Y sqook joyrider Vrulovwrath johncocktoastin tic_tac_toe
Missing in action: Linz sunfeather Adelina Elvgrenink


One thing's for sure for the last 10 years I've been "trying to get my shit together".
Well... I give up! It's never going to happen.... so there.

There was a journal entry in 2003 writing about a "todo" list from 1999, and it's the same kind of thing that even today I'm trying to do!
This is what I've consistently failed to do:
* have a reasonable diet or sleeping pattern
* make my place presentable
Well that's not fair, It's all relative I guess. You get it kind of together, and then it falls apart again, or something else has to get together.

Well anyway,

I've decided I'll be out of here in a month.
My year end subscription already ran out about a week ago, but I extended a month because I realized I had almost 5 years of journal entries I'd like to save!
Dang it's hard to believe it's been that long.

Well anyway I see a few other people bailing out so I'll take that as my final cue too.
I want some changes for the new year, so I'm giving up this up because it's one of my time consuming obsessive pastimes.

That gives me time to properly hand over my two groups too.
Also anyone for anyone interested I'd like to get contact info.

Well it's morning I had another weird dream so I'll try and recount it.
I woke up just after 6am and then went over what it was to try and remember it.
I would have liked to have gone back to sleep but can't.

So one scene was kind of like a mission control room like how they would have in the movie "war games". I was having some kind of conversation that centered around "job security".
That's not entirely too far from reality because at my work there is a NOC (network operations center) that kind of resembles that.

At another point I'm in a bathroom. The location now resembles a school with a field for sports nearby.
So I'm taking a piss and somehow I end up pissing all over these shorts that I was wearing. I take off the shorts and I'm just in my underwear thinking, "Man I sure hope no one comes in right now".
So then of course someone walks in. It's some guy that I used to work with 10 years ago. He says he doesn't work here but don't tell anyone that he just wanted to use the bathroom before playing golf.
Next a woman dressed for tennis opens the door looks at me surprised and then closes the door. I'm still standing around in my underwear wet with piss and holding my shorts in front of me.
The odd thing is that I act nonchalant and casual, it wasn't as anxious as you might imagine a dream like this would be.

Another scene I remember is looking at this house, with a large tree by the side of it on a hill, right next to an apartment complex in an area a couple of miles from where I live. Near this house someone says or is saying. "This part of town gets really hot".
It's weird that I can remember it so well even though nothing interesting happened with it. The image of the house is still pretty clear in my mind. I don't get the significance of that location either.
Part of it might be that my own house has a big tree by it next to a canyon and there is some anxiety about fires here in SD.

The last part I forget what I was doing at that point, but there was a guy walking around in the parking lot acting crazy. He's either naked or at least not wearing a shirt. He's yelling to himself and everyone and slamming down on cars. At another point a group of hoodlums or skinheads start beating the crap out of him.
I decide to get out of there and walk through the parking lot.

This morning was pretty good.
I woke up feeling pretty well rested.
I got to see my chiropractor, which helped me with my neck.
At work I'm finally back what I'd like to be doing, so things are going well on that front.

Tonight I just saw a biography on Bukowski, Born Into This.
I really got into it.
I drank a bottle of wine earlier, but not in a planned way. I just felt like it because it's almost the holidays and I'm feeling pretty confident things will go well tomorrow.

So, I was actually inspired by it.
I'd read snippets of Bukowski here and there, but the actual guy was not quite what I expected.
He was a drunk old bum for the most part, but fierce and articulate regardless.
For me the most inspiring thing for me was that most of his success came at a late age, after many years of dingy living and protracted failures. The guy didn't really even hit his stride until he was in his forties.

Sometimes I feel like I need a role model of some kind, since I'm almost 40 now.
Timothy Leary is kind of the same way. He didn't become well known until the age of forty.
I guess my role models are old, degenerate outsiders now.

Yeah for Timothy Leary it was acid, and booze for Bukowski. For each I think it made them who they were and it ruined them at the same time.

He knew how to speak his mind. In interviews by european press they'd ask him things like, "What is love?" and after a drag on a cigarette or a drink from a beer he'd pause briefly and give a good answer.

So I admire how he was true to himself. I wouldn't want to live such a drunken, filthy life though.

Oh Yes

there are worse things than

being alone

but it often takes decades

to realize this

and most often 

when you do

it's too late

and there's nothing worse

than 

too late.

Wow, I just slept about 13 hours straight.
This was a planned thing. I popped 3 OTC sleep pills last night about 10pm.
They had a much bigger kick than I expected. I think 1/2 or 1 is supposed to be enough.

Well, I figured my body needed it because of my continual lack of sleep the last couple of weeks.
I briefly woke up about 10am, but then figured as long as I still had the urge to sleep I'd stay in bed.

Now there are way too many things to do. Things for work, things to get my house in order for thanksgiving dinner, and things that should be done because it can only be done on a Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~~

Update:
holy fuck, all day Sunday I was dopey and felt like sleeping.
So I went to bed gladly at 10:30pm thinking I could wake up at 6am, fresh and full of energy.
Only thing is I get up at 2:15am ( ). So then I putz around for a few hours until 5am until I feel like going to back to bed finally.
Then I layed in bed not really sleeping off and on more than half an hour at a time.
I was so raw and fried today. My boss comes in and starts stressing out about some crap and it felt kind of dream like and absurd. I felt pretty out there.
Today was weird for other reasons. There were various semi-disasters going on and lots of people were off, so everyone remaining was totally hectic, including myself.
Oh, and since I'm on a real bitch-fest already... my neck hurts! Friggin sleeping 13 hours straight or something made my neck go out.
Luckily I was able to make an appointment with my chiro to take care of it tomorrow.