I am to the point where I do not know what to do with myself. I enjoy talking, I enjoy conversing, but every time I speak I end up putting my foot in mouth. all my life I have had a hard time with just plain shutting up. It got me in trouble in school ( expelled, in fact) and it got me in trouble in the Army. ( no one likes a Private that speaks his mind). SO...I will post an old note that I wrote from my Facebook
( BobbyWilliams42):
WORDS OF DESTRUCTION ( Apology)
I am sorry. Every time I speak, every time I utter a thought into existence, all is destroyed. I push myself to anger by eliciting response from other people. I expect results from my own ideas. I expect too much from other people.
I will try my hardest not to speak at all, for it is through my speech that I lose everything.
By speaking roughly, sharply, and in aggressive tone, nothing is accomplished or corrected.
By speaking softly, smoothly, and in a calm tone, nothing is heard or heeded.
Every thought manifested becomes the damning evidence of control.
I am not in control. I am not in control of the world around me. I shall adapt or die.
My home and my mind are the only safe place for me to be, so I do not hurt others or myself. When I enter the world of communication, and solicit conversation, I risk the very ground under my feet.
The more I speak the more I destroy. The more I say the more I kill. There is nothing that I can do to escape this except to learn the discipline of Silence.
I am a dog. When I am hungry I must eat or I will kill. When I am thirsty, I must drink or I will hurt things to get to water. When I am exhausted, I must sleep or I will silence everything around me to enter my slumber. Let this sleeping dog lie.
My hands are weapons. They touch, they feel, they hold, they break and destroy. Though, it is the voice that beckons them, which I have provoked. I am at fault for the things my hands abuse.
I am tempted and I create temptation.
I am jealous and I create jealousy.
I am lustful and I create lust.
My ego creates fantasy and justification.
I desire to protect that which I love or hold dear, but I am compromised by anxiety, depression, and fear.
The idea of control, creates a trauma that perpetuates itself.
And love of brother, love of sister, love of the lover, and love of the parent breeds only more love; true love has nothing to do with neither control nor speech.
Intelligence and survival are the natural instincts that supersede love, hence the conflict of civilization and spirituality. Spirituality does not appear as love. Spirituality is intelligence based upon the threat of death. Christ came not to bring peace, but a sword. The double-edged sword that is the tongue. He came to make mothers and fathers our enemies. To make our family, our enemies. And this was all to divide the house that cannot see the difference nor the similarity between intelligence and love.
In all, SILENCE becomes the only means through which one might ever reach peace on this planet. It is the only way to reach an agreement and it starts with a simple act of not acting. Not pessimism, not sloth, but merely self control of the facial muscles, the voice box, and the hands.
Some of us have so much to say that it is not worth saying. Some of us have such powerful words and thoughts, but it cannot be ruled out that another has not said it once before.
We criticize, we ridicule, we mock, we scoff, and we scream. Every syllable influences someone. I am sorry for telling the truth and I do not regret lying.
-Bobby
( BobbyWilliams42):
WORDS OF DESTRUCTION ( Apology)
I am sorry. Every time I speak, every time I utter a thought into existence, all is destroyed. I push myself to anger by eliciting response from other people. I expect results from my own ideas. I expect too much from other people.
I will try my hardest not to speak at all, for it is through my speech that I lose everything.
By speaking roughly, sharply, and in aggressive tone, nothing is accomplished or corrected.
By speaking softly, smoothly, and in a calm tone, nothing is heard or heeded.
Every thought manifested becomes the damning evidence of control.
I am not in control. I am not in control of the world around me. I shall adapt or die.
My home and my mind are the only safe place for me to be, so I do not hurt others or myself. When I enter the world of communication, and solicit conversation, I risk the very ground under my feet.
The more I speak the more I destroy. The more I say the more I kill. There is nothing that I can do to escape this except to learn the discipline of Silence.
I am a dog. When I am hungry I must eat or I will kill. When I am thirsty, I must drink or I will hurt things to get to water. When I am exhausted, I must sleep or I will silence everything around me to enter my slumber. Let this sleeping dog lie.
My hands are weapons. They touch, they feel, they hold, they break and destroy. Though, it is the voice that beckons them, which I have provoked. I am at fault for the things my hands abuse.
I am tempted and I create temptation.
I am jealous and I create jealousy.
I am lustful and I create lust.
My ego creates fantasy and justification.
I desire to protect that which I love or hold dear, but I am compromised by anxiety, depression, and fear.
The idea of control, creates a trauma that perpetuates itself.
And love of brother, love of sister, love of the lover, and love of the parent breeds only more love; true love has nothing to do with neither control nor speech.
Intelligence and survival are the natural instincts that supersede love, hence the conflict of civilization and spirituality. Spirituality does not appear as love. Spirituality is intelligence based upon the threat of death. Christ came not to bring peace, but a sword. The double-edged sword that is the tongue. He came to make mothers and fathers our enemies. To make our family, our enemies. And this was all to divide the house that cannot see the difference nor the similarity between intelligence and love.
In all, SILENCE becomes the only means through which one might ever reach peace on this planet. It is the only way to reach an agreement and it starts with a simple act of not acting. Not pessimism, not sloth, but merely self control of the facial muscles, the voice box, and the hands.
Some of us have so much to say that it is not worth saying. Some of us have such powerful words and thoughts, but it cannot be ruled out that another has not said it once before.
We criticize, we ridicule, we mock, we scoff, and we scream. Every syllable influences someone. I am sorry for telling the truth and I do not regret lying.
-Bobby
I do not understand my own kind.
How is that a man can believe so whole heartedly in a monotheistic God and anthropomorphic Devil, yet not act accordingly?
If God made everything in perfection, why must we fight so hard to deny ourselves of the very feelings our creator endowed us with?
Where did the idea of Holy Matrimony and marriage to create estate and combine wealth originate?
Who designated love as strictly a two-person situation?
These are the kinds of questions that lead humanity to insanity.
We try to find reasoning and rationality in a world of Chaos.
Yet without Chaos, evolution would be stifled and progress would not exist.
And yet still, what is progress contrasted against? Another human beings ideals of perfection? Or a God that men delegate the words of?
We perform experiments upon one another. We use and abuse eachother. We dominate, influence , and manipulate eachother, and we sleep at night hoping and praying Karma and divine justice will deliver punishment to our enemies, or bring wealth and health to our friends.
We are a selfish lot.
Those of humanity that are worthy of praise are those who appreciate the company of others and the quality of material things.
Those of humanity who are worthy of praise, are those who respect another beings right to time alone, away from society.
Those of humanity who are worthy of praise, are those who take on responsibilities, even when they are not their own, for the good of the company they appreciate.
Those of humanity who are worthy of praise, feel guilt and shame for wronging other human beings, or when they have caused suffering to anothers, seek forgiveness.
It is the mouth, the words, the ideas manifested that gravitate bloodshed towards it’s center.
The pointed finger, the clenched fist, the gritting teeth: HELL is a state of mind.
The father and the child. The child desires and longs for the attention and the love of the parent….the parent becomes selfish and cares not about the child’s need: to learn and be loved. As the child progresses, the actions perpetuate.
The learned act as though they understand the truth of the matter, yet monetary wealth is not the answer. Money does not raise the child. A stern hand and a harsh word does not raise the child. There is not one book on the earth with all the answers for raising a child.
And this is the cause of bloodlust. The parent and the child. God and his sons. The very first fathers of men and the fathers of men today.
What is this desire of men to have more than they need, and to keep all that they want?
The desire to take by force what is not theirs and to argue for the sake of domination, where does this come from?
How is that a man can believe so whole heartedly in a monotheistic God and anthropomorphic Devil, yet not act accordingly?
If God made everything in perfection, why must we fight so hard to deny ourselves of the very feelings our creator endowed us with?
Where did the idea of Holy Matrimony and marriage to create estate and combine wealth originate?
Who designated love as strictly a two-person situation?
These are the kinds of questions that lead humanity to insanity.
We try to find reasoning and rationality in a world of Chaos.
Yet without Chaos, evolution would be stifled and progress would not exist.
And yet still, what is progress contrasted against? Another human beings ideals of perfection? Or a God that men delegate the words of?
We perform experiments upon one another. We use and abuse eachother. We dominate, influence , and manipulate eachother, and we sleep at night hoping and praying Karma and divine justice will deliver punishment to our enemies, or bring wealth and health to our friends.
We are a selfish lot.
Those of humanity that are worthy of praise are those who appreciate the company of others and the quality of material things.
Those of humanity who are worthy of praise, are those who respect another beings right to time alone, away from society.
Those of humanity who are worthy of praise, are those who take on responsibilities, even when they are not their own, for the good of the company they appreciate.
Those of humanity who are worthy of praise, feel guilt and shame for wronging other human beings, or when they have caused suffering to anothers, seek forgiveness.
It is the mouth, the words, the ideas manifested that gravitate bloodshed towards it’s center.
The pointed finger, the clenched fist, the gritting teeth: HELL is a state of mind.
The father and the child. The child desires and longs for the attention and the love of the parent….the parent becomes selfish and cares not about the child’s need: to learn and be loved. As the child progresses, the actions perpetuate.
The learned act as though they understand the truth of the matter, yet monetary wealth is not the answer. Money does not raise the child. A stern hand and a harsh word does not raise the child. There is not one book on the earth with all the answers for raising a child.
And this is the cause of bloodlust. The parent and the child. God and his sons. The very first fathers of men and the fathers of men today.
What is this desire of men to have more than they need, and to keep all that they want?
The desire to take by force what is not theirs and to argue for the sake of domination, where does this come from?
I despise stereotypical petite -framed women 
They believe they have something for someone. They believe they have something worth giving to a man: skin and bones, weakness, vanity and frail muscles, ferocious attitude and rabid stupidity.( Not all are like this, but many fit the mold)
They show compassion only for those their eyes desire and all else is disgusting, ugly, tasteless, and tacky, all since they say so.
The irony is that these are the women that end up alone. Oh, they have plenty of carbon copy girl-friends with whom they go clubbing on the weekends. Yet still, they desire no children, and desire no real responsibility save for their petty job and single bedroom apartment, lest they by chance share one with their doppelgängers thereby giving them even less responsibility.
For some inane reason the next generation of plastic barbies desire the same lifestyle. Perhaps, by proxy, they were destined to this: to perpetuate the uselessness of being a small-minded taxpayer.
So let them have their fucking low-carb cake and eat it too. Let them have their fat free dairies and diet sodas. But for the love of goodness and the sake of selective breeding, please do not mate with them. Let them die out. Let them fade away for all our sakes. Sure, they don't eat much or take up much air, but they will cost you an arm and a leg in cell-phones, fashion, and cosmetics.
Perhaps I am being judgmental. Perhaps I am stereotyping. But that is what I see everywhere all around me.
They believe they have something for someone. They believe they have something worth giving to a man: skin and bones, weakness, vanity and frail muscles, ferocious attitude and rabid stupidity.( Not all are like this, but many fit the mold) They show compassion only for those their eyes desire and all else is disgusting, ugly, tasteless, and tacky, all since they say so.
The irony is that these are the women that end up alone. Oh, they have plenty of carbon copy girl-friends with whom they go clubbing on the weekends. Yet still, they desire no children, and desire no real responsibility save for their petty job and single bedroom apartment, lest they by chance share one with their doppelgängers thereby giving them even less responsibility.
For some inane reason the next generation of plastic barbies desire the same lifestyle. Perhaps, by proxy, they were destined to this: to perpetuate the uselessness of being a small-minded taxpayer.
So let them have their fucking low-carb cake and eat it too. Let them have their fat free dairies and diet sodas. But for the love of goodness and the sake of selective breeding, please do not mate with them. Let them die out. Let them fade away for all our sakes. Sure, they don't eat much or take up much air, but they will cost you an arm and a leg in cell-phones, fashion, and cosmetics.
Perhaps I am being judgmental. Perhaps I am stereotyping. But that is what I see everywhere all around me.
