I'm going to a show next month in San Francisco. I just don't know which one yet. There's "Mindless Self Indulgence," "KMFDM," and "Placebo." I don't know, but I have to decide by tomarrow to request time off work. I like all of them and they're all different.

Navdeep is going to come down too. We haven't hung out since I left Fremont. My sister might come. I try not to be so protective, but it's difficult not to look out for her after all this time. Kind of my duty, you know? I'm also going to try and get my friend Hiro(Mr. Sparkle) to come. He's never been to an American rock concert.

Anybody in the Bay area going to a show at Slim's? Or been there? Saw some pics of the place and it looks pretty cool. Plus it would be cool to meet one or two people from the site.

Helped my sister buy a pregnancy test today. Or rather: I sat in the car while she ran in to get it. Whe she left for work it said negative, good news. I do this every month or so, she paranoid about getting pregnant, and it used to bother me a bit. But today I realized that if something comes up that she wasn't hoping for she'll need someone there for support.

Gotta go. I'll take all the pictures I can and post them as soon as I can. In the meantime you can be entertained by watching Penguin do the happpy dance.

DANCE PENGUIN DANCE! Muahaha!

First off I'd like to thank those who offered words of encouragment, it helped a lot. They kept me from picking the blade again, I have no idea how long the ones from the other day are going to take to heal.

I figured out what I'm going to dress up as for halloween. I'm throwing together a modern day Mad Hatter. I have everything ordered, now it just has to get here. The first part should be here tomorrow, which is good and bad. I'll be happay to get it but I have to stay up after I get off work so I don't miss the UPS guy. Atleast I get to wear it at work where I normally have to wear a shirt and slacks.

Going to start working on my novel again, or one of them anyway. Part of my problem is that I work on one then get a great idea for another and start working on that; it's a vicious circle. Just the other day I came up with another great idea but It's going to have to wait. I need to rock hard on this one and get something published aside from a few poems.

Got to go. Goodnight all.

There. I used my first smily. I used the monkey because they don't have a penguin. Don't expect it to happen again.

It's strange. I'm about to air something where hundreds can read it, or no one. The funny thing is that I don't care. Since I've none to talk to here, I might as well pretend that these words fall on ears that care. What's sad is that now this sounds like a pitiful cry for help. In actuality I just need to figure out... myself. Here goes

I don't have sex. It's not something I like to talk about, especially to people I don't know, but oh well. I like chocolate. I couldn't tell you why I like chocolate I just do. Why don't I have sex? I never really thought about it until recently and now it plauges me.

I'm not against sex. What I have experienced I like. I've recieved and given oral, god this feels wierd to talk about, I just need to work this out somehow. I don't want pointless sex. Or sex without emotion behind it, atleast for my first time. I want it to mean something.

Most people think I strange or crazy, and maybe they're all right in thinking that. I've turned down sex more times than I can think, even when I really wanted to, I just wouldn't allow myself to do it. Those who call me that do even more so when they find that I've turned down two girls at the same time. I know the aspects and possiblities of it. I know how good it would feel, well, I can guess anyway. I don't exactly know why I did. I like chocolate, I know I'd like sex, so why keep myself from it?

Fear. I fear sex in so many ways. I'm afraid I'll get someone pregnant. If that were to happen I wouldn't be able to let her abort it. Atleast I couldn't agree to it, she could just do it. I'm afraid of that too. I couldn't let it be put up for adoption either, no one else will be my childs daddy. Even If I had to do it myself. That I'm not afraid of, I love children and look forward to it. I just don't want it happening any time soon. There's something I fear more, pregnancy is mainly an excuse, not a reason.

I know what men are like. The stereotypical male. They're all pigs, horrible disgusting creatures that give pigs a bad name. I'm nothing like them and never want to be. I'm me. For one thing I'm far too emotional for my own good, and it costs me, especially when people use me and I know it. I can't let a woman suffer. I will go so far out of my way to prevent it, and they know it. I'm losing track here, not like this isn't going to be too long as it is.

Men do anything they can for sex. Lie to a woman to get her to sleep with him, then leave as if nothinh happened. As if he didn't violate her. Sex is a beautifull thing. Two people becoming one physically and emotionally. And for them to turn it into something so ugly infurriates me. I fear having sex without reason will change me. Every one tells me how great sex is, and how everything will change once I've had it. I don't want to change, I want to be me. I'm nothing like them and never will be. I can't, not ever.

The ability to deny our natural impulses is part of what makes us human. So am I not right in thinking I'm doing the right thing. What is to separate us from animals if all we do is following out insticts. Our instincs tell us to breed, spread and devour. Do animals love one another? When it's time they just do it. Given the chance an animal will attempt to breed. We have a choice, am I wrong to make the choice not to. To fight myself, isn't that part of being what I am. I don't know anymore. I dind't queston it until recently. I think too fucking much.

I can't allow myself to enjot anything. The whole time I think about why I do what I do. When I'm near a woman I can't just be there. I think about why I'm attracted to her, should I make an advancment, does she want me to, is she coming on to me, am I seeing something that's not there, if I do go for her what will happen, what do I say, where do stand, how should I place my hands, should I be subtle or go for it. Even worse is when I think I'm thinking too much and think about that too.

One night recently a girl and I had been drinnking and I knew she wanted me, any guy could have been there, and I knew I could have slept with her. Whe I say sleep that's exactly what I mean. To hold a woman in my arms, to fell her, see her, smell her, there is nothing greater in all my experience. I some how got to talking about wanting to advance but, blah blaah blaah. She literally screamed that I think too much. That's when all this started in my head, a couple months ago. This is getting way too long but I dpn't care any more.

I've lost many good relationships because I wouldn't have sex. None of them told me that was the reason, but they never went more than a few days before finding out. I could please them well with what I do, but that's not all they wanted. None wanted to be with me if I would.. go all the way. It feels dirty saying it like that. Every time hurt and made me question myself, but every time I thought I was right. Maybe I am, I dont know anymore.

We go to now. Every woman I know likes me. The ones who I can date really like me. Every woman wants a bit of me, I'm seriously not being arrogant, it's just because I'm a nice guy and know how to treat women. They're interested up to the point they find out I don't have sex. You can't imagine the look in a woman's eyes as I talk to her and I know all I have to do is ask and we'll be set for dinner, and when she finds out I don't have sex. Dissapointment fills her eyes and then she's gone. She's still a friend, but I need a companion right now. God I'm sounding pathetic after that one. But if I'm looking in her eyes Not only do I see that dissapoitnment, but pity. I don't need your pity. I don't need any one's pity. So I'm a virgin. It's my choice! I don't need pity over a desicion I made! How dare any of you pity me! Who do you think you are?

The hardest part is knowing that over all these years of making myself into who I thought I should be, after killing who I used to be, after being what women say they want, it's not good enough. No matter how hard I try I can't give a woman what she really wants. I try so hard for nothing. Is that all it really comes down to. It is. I love women. I do anything I can for them. But all I can do isn't enough. They want what I can't give them. And that leaves me here. Last night I took a blade to myself to avoid this conclusion. That everything I belive is wrong. No matter how har I try it won't be enough.

I've come to what I've been seeking. I found my answer. I still can't give an exact answer to why I don't have sex. But I foundmy answer. Why I'm having so much trouble now. If anyone reads this don't worry. I'm not going to hurt myself with anything, I've done that enough allready. I'm mentally exhausted now and need to go to bed for a little.

I don't need or want your pity. Be happy I found my answer. I don't know how long I'll leave this up, even if they let me. But Be happy I found my anwser. goodnight

For All Eternity

I hold up my sword, look into the blade
Then I see my reflection in the light.
Not mine I see, it is hard to explain
Her face I see, but how could that be true?
Her eyes look into mine with that passion.
That is a lie, I am trying to fool myself.
I am here to commit this act regardless.
A horse I hear, it could be my brother.
But he is dead. As is my new found love.
She is not quite dead, but our bond is broken
Now I am alone, with no one left to stop me.
At least no one is here yet; I must hurry.
I hear a knocking on my bedroom door
As I plunge the blade into my heart.
The door swings open, as she stands in the entry
Blood hits the floor as she runs to my side.
Last thing I heard was her pain-filled scream.
As I decended to Hell I saw her
Holding my cold dead body to her breast.
She loved me as much as I still loved her.
Now every day I see my final scene
A thousand times, multiplied by that count.
After each time Satan's laugh fills my head
For eternity I am in his grasp.
For eternity I must feel this pain.
For eternity I will hear her screaming.
For eternity I would rather burn.

Jeremiah Voris

The many sides of me:

Most people have two sides; light and dark. Like a coin they flip between the two depending on how they feel. I'm like a die; a cube unlike any other. Rolling it we find six completely different sides.

1.) The Phoenix - Furocious Fire: Mostly dominant; Fast, determind, focused, serious.
2.) The Angel - Sustaining Air: Rises to assist others; Caring, emotional, there for any in need
3.) The Leviathan - Flowing Water: Last resort; Cold as ice, relentless, ruthless
4.) The Wolf - Supporting Rock: Defender of women and children; Naive, strong, empathetic.
5.) The Mad Hatter - Erratic Lightning: Fairly dominant; unstable, hystarical, eccentric
6.) The Dark Side - The black hole: Once in nine years it's emerged for five seconds leaving a large hole in a cement wall and a baseball bat in my hand.

There's nothing quite like being me.

I need to escape. I want to write and work on my novel but I can't get in the mood. I'm surrounded by things I hate. Everywhere I look there's something that makes me mad.

I need to get a place and surround myself with beautiful things. I have a Black Knight Orchad that died while I was gone, but I still have the bulb. I think my firststep will be to grow that in a pot on my desk.

If I don't write something soon I'm going to burst. It's funny; I was happier when I'd spend all night writing with a flashlight set on the dash of my car and the only place I had to sleep was in the back of that broken down Datsun.

Goodnight all. It's 11PM and I must go to work now.

Ah. To start a new life in a new place. Feels good, in a way. No one looking at mistakes made in the past. Only seeing who you are now after all you've been through. All it took was the destruction of my former self. That is the way of the Phoenix.