Saturday night was super super fun. It was the remedy for the dresdenesque remains of my life. After work and an exhaustig wedding shower for my friend Lindsay, I headed over to a random house to film something with people that I thought I already knew, but turns out i didn't. They were already drunk when I got there, and the first room they lead me to is an empty bedroom that looked like a motel. I think there was a gideon in the nightstand.

The first thing I thought was, 'is this a snuff film? well, if it is, fuck it. What a way to go i guess.'

But it wasn't. Well, not completely becuase i'm still alive. And it turned out really greatt and really awesome and i had the best time ever.





So please go vote for it, becuase the top ten get to being in FantasticFest which would be great. The link below is for voting and if you vote I will send you a thank you card. Maybe with a naked picture. Or maybe i will draw a naked picture, like an artist's rendering of my naked body.

As a side note, one of my deepest desires is to have someone ive me a macaronni art picture of my naked body.

road to hell 3



So please go vote! It's awesome.

Disaster. Doom and gloom. I was supposed to get to go to Ohio for the Pinups for Soldiers and then financial disaster struck and I had to stay home and now nobody is speaking to me.

Except,

Sheila There should be a song about her. And not just that song that goes 'oh, oh Sheila' but a song about HER. You know what? Sheila is a song.

Me and that beautiful song of a woman went to Schlitterbahn, the hottest coolest time in Texas for those of you who don't know, and it was pretty amazing. We totally couged out on all the 15 year old lifeguards and got awesome tans, which nobody will ever see because I can't seem to find the time to shoot a set for my country. We really want to do a multoi but can't think of a theme as awesome as it deserves.

I've been so effing depressed lately, I don't stay online for more than a few minutes, I never want to go downtown again and all I do is listen to talk radio. I should be happy, but I'm not. The stripper show I have labored over for more than a year now is in production and I should be proud. School is going well, I made a perfect 100 on my first History exam earlier today. I got a job at the Town Lake Animal Shelter that I absolutely love and is the best job i've ever had, even if it can be depressing.

And I feel like a dumbass for writing a boring account of my life. I hate that. I feel like if I take the time to blog it should be interesting, i read this thing about blogs and about how the internet has made everyone believe that all the boring minutia of their day is fascinating to the rest of the world. But it's not.

So fuck it.

McCain will probably be president, i will always be poor, the ac in my car is broke and it september and still 95 degrees.
My stomach will never be flat, the director will steal all the glory for my show and one day my parents will find me naked on the internet.
All my ex-boyfriends will be famous and successful and last week an iguana carved the word 'KILL' and an arrow pointing to my person on my arm with its back claws. No lie, folks.
A guy that jerked off on me when I was passed out at a party will get me thrown out of a bar when my friends throw cigarette butts at him and Josh Richey, the cutest tattoo artist ever, will come into town and my phone will be broken and my internet down so i won't know about it til he leaves.

I'm not whining, I'm just rolling around in the muck of all this reality.

And I hear you. And it's not that the glass is alf empty. It's that the glass is half empty and the liquid that is inside the glass is cheap vodka, and someone has dropped a fireball in it, resulting in a flaming shitstorm of glass shards falling around me.

totally non sequiterized, here is me with some farrah hair.




and how huge my mouth is.

I didn't sign up for this.

Not one person you see today elected to be born. Not one.

Shalom Alusander is my new favorite author:

'God,' says Joel Osteen, 'wants you to enjoy life to the fullest.'
Has anyone ever punched Joel Osteen in the face? I mean really just hauled off and clocked that fucker right in the face? The teeth look new, so maybe somebody has.
There is a New England based clothing company called Life is Good. They sell t-shirts that say LIFE IS GOOD and hats that say LIFE IS GOOD. They sell backpacks, too. Here's what the backpacks say: LIFE IS GOOD. They are extremely popular. You know why? Because life isn't good. Because $25 is a pretty good deal for a 100-percent cotton bold-faced lie. I'd pay a hundred times that for someone to just tell me the truth. To fess up. For Joel Osteen to stand onstage, look into the camera God wants him to be on, and say 'Fuck it. Fuck it all. Life is a pile of shit but I get my teeth whitened every month, and that's how I get through it. Find your own way, my children. For me, it's BrightSmile.'


Anyway. My tuition payment is due today. I've tried every possible tactic to raise money. Sold my bivouac on craigslist. At the last second the guy decided he would look for one more locally cause he was in Texas City.

I tried selling prints. But as soon as I mention payment possibilities suddenly no one is getting back to me.

Overdrafted my account because, naturally, the automatic payment for my car went through minutes before the direct deposit from my paycheck came through.

I had to get to work at 7 am today to watch the cleaner even though I was up til three last night watching the next door apartments burn down. 28 people lost their homes and I regret that but all I could think of was the fantastic garden they had in the middle and imagining I could hear all the plants screaming like the trees in ferngully.

I no longer have an engagement ring. I don't even know how to tell my mother.

It hurts to breathe or talk because I cracked a rib in a bar fight at beauty bar Sunday night. Alright, it was actually a pillow fight but those bitches were TOUGH. It also didn't help that I had been drinking on the river for six hours and was dehydrated and sunburnt and when it was all said and done I won a hundred dollars, got as far as Red7 and puked EVERYWHERE. I wasn't even drunk anymore but I looked like the drunk asshole girl and the weird thing was it smelled like Dos Equis even though that was like, the on ething I hadn't drank that day.

What the fuck is the world? What is the world that I have to search my car for quarters to pay my late court costs and tuition fees and amazing people like Corey Feldman are molested as a kid but not by Michael Jackson???? WTF???

Whatever. It's not all bad. I start my new job at the Town Lake Animal Shelter on Monday, which is basically my dream pre-graduation job. And the guy that decided not to buy my bivouac was a really nice man.

In case you didn't know, I'm selling prints. Of whatever, really. The originals from the Mugshots set or from Dear John I guess, too. Just let me know. And I'm selling a bivouac.

I fell in love in that bivouac once. Does that mean nothing to you, world????

Let me start off with this, how ridiculous would it be for me to be in aa Will.I.Am. video? For years now my most vivid and lofty dream is to be in a rap video. Why don't rappers want me in there videos? I can booty dance- I can even move one butt cheek at time. I can clap my ass. And I know all the words to Lollipop.

Is it because of my tattoos? I would think that would make me exotic. In every posse there's always the token tattooed girl with the thigh hih sicks, right? I could be that girl.

Is it because i'm white? Because as aforementioend, my dancing skills equal to rival girls 'of ethnicity'. And excluding someone from your music videos based soley on skin color, well that's just racist. Besides, if it's minority you want, I am Jewish. We have been oppressed since the dawn of time. Oppression was INVENTED especially for the Jews. I digress.

Is it because I'm not from the hood? Well, I'm not. But I did live on the east side of 35 for a while. You know, before it became really gentrified and all the artists moved out there and built mcmansions and everyone started calling it the new Williamsburg.


Listen- here's a list of rappers I want to fuck, or be fucked upon in order of sexiest/most appealing.

1) 50 cent. He's cute and he's respectful with his dirty dirty sex. I also have a weird fascination with big teeth.
2) Lil Wayne. I have harbored a crush on him since i was 14 and he raps about eating pussy more than anyone, almost even more than
3) LIl Kim. Seriously. Don't YOU want to fuck Lil Kim? She's not a whore, but she sex a n***** so good, he gotta tell his boyz. Fatality can i gat a 'hell yeah'?
4) Ludacris. I think he'd be fun in the sack. Oh, I would most definitely double bag it but it would robably be owrth it.
5) Hurricane Chris. I don't know why, but I would totally let him do it from behind, spillling champagne down my back as i was bent over some ridiculous variety of Cadillac in his 5 car garage or whatever.
6) Snoop Dogg. He;s always been sexy, and how could you say no after that Sensual Seduction video?

At one point, Kanye West was on this list but he got bumped off because the more i think about it, he'd probably be a douche about it later on.


Still jobless. Applied for a few more. Feeling like a total lou. Want to go to L.A. in August but now I want to o to Ohio, too. Supposed to get sleeved by Rick Clark in August if my stimulus check ever comes in, which means i would get to see Josh_richey who is nice and cute. Still want to go to Englnd in the fall and see Moira and the Boosh but I don't know if i will be able to afford it. Shooting for the tv show in August, and I'm super excited. And nervous.

I haven't been out in a while. I'm too broke this week but if you live in Austin send me a message. I want to do something new and different.

I've been out of internet for a while, so it's been just annoying three second snippets of getting to be on SG- which is frustrating because SG is my crack!

The Beauty Bar night was really fun. SOMEONE has a whole lot of really cool pictures that they haven't emailed to me yet so I can't share with you how great it was. But...soooon.

If you haven't seen my submission to the June self-shot contest in member review, please check it out. I shot it in a photobooth at this bar in Austin called Mugshots and it was a lot harder than it looks. If your wondering why there's only 12 pictures, it's because a) it cost money for each polariod and b) it was a lot more nerve-wracking getting naked in a bar with people all around and nothing covering them except a short sheet and my brother's extremely skinny body. So please check it out and make it go live.

In the meantime, I am jobless. It's a long story but it's annoying and not that big of a deal but I just hate workin in a stupid job that i don't feel anything for. All we do all day is talk about idiotic shit and get fat on mall food.


Hope you are all well. More later.

I'm so bored right now.

So very unspeakably bored.

Don't ever work retail. Like, just don't do it. And if you already do, then, I guess run screaming into the night. I want a new job. Does anyone have a nice little tattoo shop that needs a floorgirl? One thing that does help a little is that we are going to start filming the webtv show i wrote. It's going to be very, very funny.

On top of it all, my store is directly next to Sephora, which is unfortunate for my unhealthy makeup buying addiction. All my money goes to there or American Apparel.

So, I shot a set for the June self shot contest in a photobooth, and initially i was really happy with how it turned out, but now that more time has passed i don't feel completely confident about loading it. I mean, it's crappy photobooth quality and even though i know that's the point of self-shot stuff, most of the submissions are still pretty nice looking. I just want to show them to someone and get an opinion, I meant to take them to Ohio but i forgotted.

I am ready to shoot another set, but vermelho is swamped and everyone else is far away. Adalae and I are talking about taking a fun trip...maybe to Cali later this summer! I love her.

Also, in a couple weeks we have this:


Which will be fun! There's gonna be cotton candy and pretty ladies and i think i'm going to buy silly wigs.

So, my ex-husband is getting married on the 20th. Which i don't really care about in the sense that i want him to still love me because that would be gross. We married when i was 18 and he was like thirty. I left a few short months later. A few of my friends are going and me and my buddy Raini wanted to crash it with beer and wifebeaters. I actually was a little offended that i wasn't invited. I guess that would be inappropriate but i can honestly say it wouldn't bother me if he came to my wedding. It would be the same as if some other person i moderately knew showed up.

I had a dream last night he raped me? Weird.

Oi, Boosh lovers listen to this: As a bashfully belated birthday present my friend Lindsay stole a sign for me from 'Old Gregg Lane'. No shit. It exists and it's in Austin and now the sign i sin my freaking living room. What the hell?



I can't decide if i should just go to Paul Mitchell academy for esthetics. Or should i finish college? There's more to this query, but the basic idea is I have a couple years of college left and i really hate it and i lost my financial aid and i could go to Paul Mitchell and be an esthetician and then go back to school and then i wouldn't have to work stupid shitty shoesale retail!

The good news is that the stripper show shoots this summer. It's going to be really fun. The only thing missing now is a few actors and someone to write a website. I have the domain and the server space but I don't know how to do the other stuff.

I miss Navy.

Whoa dang. I'm home. I just served three days at Hell City and it was pretty fantastic. Meeting everyone was pretty fulfilling. All the girls were awesome! The dudes were awesome! The tattoos were awesome!

If Columbus is hell, i guess this was purgatory:



I had layovers yestersday that totaled about six hours. It was ridiculous. I've seen a lot of airport. I've heard a lot of this 'What does your tattoo say?' I will tell you. This once.

It's from Lolita and one leg says

(I talk in a daze
I walk in a mazeI cannot get out,
said the starling)

The other leg says

And I shall be buried
Where the weed decays
And the rest is rust
and stardust

And it was created by the fantastic Rick Clark. He's pretty cool. What's better than getting tattooed by cute boys?

Forgive my shitty cameraphone, i was going to buy a digital for the trip but, well, i didn't.



And speaking of cute boys, it's me and Dana from Portland Maine's PIns and Needles tattoos.



Let the rumours fly.

And here's me and Adalae, who was gracious enough to show me downtown Columbus in all its High Street glory.



And i got to shack up with Smythe , who was the best bedmate ever. Fatality and Ginary are some pretty awesome bitches. Like, stellar awesome bitches.

And i got to see Meow and Pandie and Bully and Radeo (who have a super hot set like right this second) and Gatsby who is even prettier in person than online if you can believe it and Nessa and AlissaBrunelli and Calamity and NicoleLee who is pretty much a total badass and LiiLii who really does look that pretty all the time.

Geez, is that enough? Cuz there's more. I'll go into it later. Iso let me play grabass with her.

Anyway, it was very spectacular.

But now I'm home and the teletubbies are on and I need a shower something fierce.

I shot a new set. It needs to editedededed. It's called Mugshots. It was shot at Mugshots.

Check it. Yes, that is Naboo's face.

I got a new tattoo. You seen the Might Boosh? Well you should.



It's not quite done yet. Next session he's putting 'I'm a cockney bitch' underneath Naboo.

Speaking of all that, they are touring in November and I'm thinking of going. Any English folks down with houseguest in the fall?

I moved Russell in. It;s 5:30 in the morning and i am awake because his dog chased my cats and the noise woke up Avigail and now everyone is in the living room and it's absolutely ridiculous.


This is my can't wait for Hell City face:





It's my birthday next Monday. I will be 22 and not at all introspective. I'm over it.

Things are getting better, i will give you but a small taste of the unbelievable mess the last couple months have been:

Someone has been draining my gas tank and replacing it with water. This has happened twice at my apartment in the middle of the night, the next morning letting my car get as far as South Congress before it starts violently shaking and shuts off- once at a red light where people TOTALLY LOST THEIR MINDS when the light turned green and my car at the front of the line didn't move.

Now, I understand honking the first couple seconds, maybe i was on my phone or simply unobservant and needed to be called back to reality. But after a substantial amount of time has passed and you notice that the person's hazards are on and she's on the phone frantically sobbing, wouldn't you REALIZE that the driver is not voluntarily leaving their car in the middle of the road, so it is completely unnecessary and ineffective to yell 'FUCK you motherFUCKER' at them as you drive by?

Total it cost about 500 dollars to keep repairing, and 60 dollars in stolen gas. And i don;t have a clue who could be doing this. At first i had some theories, but after the second time all i could think of is 'Jeez, nobody i know is this dedicated.'

Like, i have some bitter exes, but they're all way too lazy to go through that trouble. Let alone twice.

Sasha (Russell's insano heroine addict ex) is nuts and would be capable of doing something this crazy, but she wouldn't do it anonymously. If she was to blame we would hear about it at all the bars by now and she's more of a wait-outside-my-apartment-to-throw-acid-on-my-face-and-scream-'Now-he-won't-love-you
-anymore-hahaha' kind of crazy.

Maybe it was Palestinian mobster Sam. But probably not.

Maybe it was random. But probably not. What the hell, right?

Anyway, it's caused all sorts of crazy money snafus. Like for a while there i was just going to drive off a large cliff, but we don't have any really good driving off of cliffs here in Austin but really any steep embankment would do.

I'm tired.

I leave you with these questions:

1) Austin filmmakers looking for a great project? I has one.

2) Any girls interested in doing a multi with me where we just beat the shit out of each other and end in a kiss?

3) Is there something wrong with me?