My birthday is in 4 days and instead of thinking of ways to celebrate or what I would want from family and friends I must deal with heartbreaking news that life has thrown my way. First, my grandmother is being put into a nursing home and has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and end stage kidney disease. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I went to Charleston to see her recently. Since I live two hours away, my parents said I should come say "goodbye." Her memory is slipping. Every five to ten minutes she forgets who she is talking to or what was being said. She speaks frequently of wanting to see her mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and my grandpa, all of which are in heaven. I guess she knows it is getting close to her time to go, but I hate seeing her like this. It breaks my heart. I cry just thinking about it. To make matters worse, the bad news doesn't end there. I found out the day before yesterday that my only living grandfather is dying from cancer. It has spread from his colon to all over his body particular his spine. He is in tremendous pain and is refusing any kind of treatment. He is also experiencing internal bleeding for which he has already received over 7 units of blood in the last two days. I can't take any more. I know people do not live forever, but come on is it necessary for both my grandparents, the only two I have left to be basically dying at the same time?

Things in my life just has went downhill since Summer really. Pezmaster and I began the process of applying for a mortgage to purchase our first home together. Well, to make a long story short, we got to 9 days before closing and they denied the loan. I was heartbroken. We were so close to getting out on our own only to have our dream shattered. So now we must wait until January to try again. Until then we are still stuck living with his parents and siblings. Do not get me wrong, I love his family. However, it isn't ideal here. I have slept on a couch for three years. Pezmaster sleeps curled up in a recliner so that I can be somewhat comfortable on the couch. We have no privacy or alone time unless we spend money to go out of town due to the fact that there is 8 of us living in this small house.

I do not know I did not mean this blog to be so full of complaints. I am just not really happy these days. I need something to cheer me up. I need something to look forward to. I am having trouble concentrating on school. I am just restless....