Life is good.
I just completed one of the most extensive quarters of my life, and not only did I finish with an A+ in the hardest class of the entire program but I murdered it! Literally killed it...a breathless, blood splattered massacre I tell you.
Pierre, my professor, rewarded me with 133% which in turn was the highest grade ever given to a student since the beginning of the program. During critique he shared my whole photo portfolio with the entire class, additionally making me go last for individual review...I was speechless, he was speechless, and never in my life have I felt such overwhelming happiness. I busted my ass shooting finals, many sleepless nights, countless hours of editing, tons of green tea and coffee and adderall to keep me alive with my head above water. That night I left class and headed straight to the shroom to have a beer, get some pizza and tell my friends and co-workers the good news, and to purely bask in euphoric accomplishment for just one evening. And one evening only. I deserved it.
It was amazing and I could honestly see by the look on people's faces that they were truly proud and happy, and that they believed in me and my work and all that it stood for. I called my Mother at midnight, I figured she'd be sound asleep; 6 am comes awful early when you're teaching science to a bunch of crazed middle schoolers, but at that blissful moment I didn't care. I just had to tell her the good news, I wanted her to know, I wanted to hear her reaction, I wanted her to be proud just as my friends and mellow fam were. I waited patiently as the phone rang...once, twice, three times, straight to the answering machine...
I began to speak slowly in monotone cause I knew it was late, and then all of sudden, she picked up...
My Mother and I have a very unconventional relationship. We love each other endlessly and we're entirely close and utterly honest about most issues, however, we go for weeks at a time without any form of communication. My fault mostly, but it's within definite reasoning. She was raised quite differently than me, and in the greater spectrum of having things in common, not so much. But over the years, she's learned to be more patient and open-minded while I've gained a particular way of how to overcome the fear of failure and disappointment from her opinions. It's a 50/50 blend, salt and pepper if you will. Our contact consists of either entirely traumatic news in the form of negative... such as deaths, panic attacks, downward spirals, and/or financial downfalls, while on the other hand it could lean entirely positive as well. New life additions, regained happiness, conquering problematic speed bumps, and/or success on an individual basis. There's always infinite love and care within, it's just sometimes frustrating cause I feel that I'll never reach her standards, or provide the level of perfection that she expects from me. Regardless, on this particular evening...I did indeed.
I spoke softly as I filled her ears with the great news of achievement I had acquired. And in turn, she was happy, and proud, and all of the above. She squealed on the other end of the phone, as tears of joy ran down her face. Followed by tears of my own.
No more tears of sadness and sorrow, at best tears of joy and everlasting dexterity.
Finally...
I can honestly say that was a timeless milestone in our Mother-Daughter relationship. A step forward, a moment I will always remember until the end of time. I felt as if I truly overcame something of substance. And not just by passing on or getting through just to continue with my head above water, but by breaching over the top, above and beyond, to excel with uttermost excellence within ultimate standards.
And not only did I provide my Mother with feelings of contentment, but for once in my guilt stricken, overcritical life of my own, I was satisfied with myself. It felt good to know that everything I worked so damn hard for was paying off in return. The seclusion, the lack of having a social life, the financial dent, the nocturnal tendency, and the horrid skin breakouts due to stress, dehydration, and malnourishment.
It was all entirely worth every passing moment.
And with that being said, I'm damn proud of myself and finally a dose of confidence has most definitely been implanted. Maybe, just maybe...I do have talent.
End of story.
[
I just completed one of the most extensive quarters of my life, and not only did I finish with an A+ in the hardest class of the entire program but I murdered it! Literally killed it...a breathless, blood splattered massacre I tell you.
Pierre, my professor, rewarded me with 133% which in turn was the highest grade ever given to a student since the beginning of the program. During critique he shared my whole photo portfolio with the entire class, additionally making me go last for individual review...I was speechless, he was speechless, and never in my life have I felt such overwhelming happiness. I busted my ass shooting finals, many sleepless nights, countless hours of editing, tons of green tea and coffee and adderall to keep me alive with my head above water. That night I left class and headed straight to the shroom to have a beer, get some pizza and tell my friends and co-workers the good news, and to purely bask in euphoric accomplishment for just one evening. And one evening only. I deserved it.
It was amazing and I could honestly see by the look on people's faces that they were truly proud and happy, and that they believed in me and my work and all that it stood for. I called my Mother at midnight, I figured she'd be sound asleep; 6 am comes awful early when you're teaching science to a bunch of crazed middle schoolers, but at that blissful moment I didn't care. I just had to tell her the good news, I wanted her to know, I wanted to hear her reaction, I wanted her to be proud just as my friends and mellow fam were. I waited patiently as the phone rang...once, twice, three times, straight to the answering machine...
I began to speak slowly in monotone cause I knew it was late, and then all of sudden, she picked up...
My Mother and I have a very unconventional relationship. We love each other endlessly and we're entirely close and utterly honest about most issues, however, we go for weeks at a time without any form of communication. My fault mostly, but it's within definite reasoning. She was raised quite differently than me, and in the greater spectrum of having things in common, not so much. But over the years, she's learned to be more patient and open-minded while I've gained a particular way of how to overcome the fear of failure and disappointment from her opinions. It's a 50/50 blend, salt and pepper if you will. Our contact consists of either entirely traumatic news in the form of negative... such as deaths, panic attacks, downward spirals, and/or financial downfalls, while on the other hand it could lean entirely positive as well. New life additions, regained happiness, conquering problematic speed bumps, and/or success on an individual basis. There's always infinite love and care within, it's just sometimes frustrating cause I feel that I'll never reach her standards, or provide the level of perfection that she expects from me. Regardless, on this particular evening...I did indeed.
I spoke softly as I filled her ears with the great news of achievement I had acquired. And in turn, she was happy, and proud, and all of the above. She squealed on the other end of the phone, as tears of joy ran down her face. Followed by tears of my own.
No more tears of sadness and sorrow, at best tears of joy and everlasting dexterity.
Finally...
I can honestly say that was a timeless milestone in our Mother-Daughter relationship. A step forward, a moment I will always remember until the end of time. I felt as if I truly overcame something of substance. And not just by passing on or getting through just to continue with my head above water, but by breaching over the top, above and beyond, to excel with uttermost excellence within ultimate standards.
And not only did I provide my Mother with feelings of contentment, but for once in my guilt stricken, overcritical life of my own, I was satisfied with myself. It felt good to know that everything I worked so damn hard for was paying off in return. The seclusion, the lack of having a social life, the financial dent, the nocturnal tendency, and the horrid skin breakouts due to stress, dehydration, and malnourishment.
It was all entirely worth every passing moment.
And with that being said, I'm damn proud of myself and finally a dose of confidence has most definitely been implanted. Maybe, just maybe...I do have talent.
End of story.
[
School is intense.
Solitude is tough.
Work is comfortable.
Grams passed away recently and yet another milestone has entered my life, a new chapter of growth, strength, and peaceful goodbyes are in the making.
She went with no pain, peaceful asleep in her bed...86 years of wonderful.
I said my goodbyes, took pictures, held her hand, and enjoyed her presence once more.
I respect that woman and I'll miss her from the depths of my fragile, broken heart.
In memorial of her, I start an art nouveau influenced rib piece in her honor on Aug 11th=)
And I've tried to stay positive and happy by surrounding myself with happy hoopers.
Tis my second attempt with fire ladies & gents...
Peace, love, and hoops.
-JaJaBinx
Solitude is tough.
Work is comfortable.
Grams passed away recently and yet another milestone has entered my life, a new chapter of growth, strength, and peaceful goodbyes are in the making.
She went with no pain, peaceful asleep in her bed...86 years of wonderful.
I said my goodbyes, took pictures, held her hand, and enjoyed her presence once more.
I respect that woman and I'll miss her from the depths of my fragile, broken heart.
In memorial of her, I start an art nouveau influenced rib piece in her honor on Aug 11th=)
And I've tried to stay positive and happy by surrounding myself with happy hoopers.
Tis my second attempt with fire ladies & gents...
Peace, love, and hoops.
-JaJaBinx
just awoke from a deep, dark, fall...
slapped in the face by truth...
and omission.
i feel like a bird, let out of her cage...
free of all inhabition.
time to fly and migrate north...
as high as the clouds,
and so forth...
slapped in the face by truth...
and omission.
i feel like a bird, let out of her cage...
free of all inhabition.
time to fly and migrate north...
as high as the clouds,
and so forth...
I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship before hurt ever touched our hearts, before doubt ever entered our minds. Because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever hurt you. But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't erase the mistakes. I can't take away the questions you must have or the hurt we both feel. But I can assure you of one thing:
I love you-as I did then and as I always will.
It's time for us to go our seperate ways...to live life...to learn...to grow...to be young...to have fun...
and if it's meant to be, we will in fact meet again someday when the time is right for both of us.
ilu pumpkin.
I love you-as I did then and as I always will.
It's time for us to go our seperate ways...to live life...to learn...to grow...to be young...to have fun...
and if it's meant to be, we will in fact meet again someday when the time is right for both of us.
ilu pumpkin.
